I’m excited to be launching a weekly podcast series!
Janet Lansbury Unruffled will be available on iTunes, Soundcloud, and Stitcher. I hope you’ll tune in and maybe even subscribe (it’s free).
I hadn’t seriously considered doing weekly podcasts before, because I couldn’t wrap my head around adding another commitment to my plate. But recent developments have convinced me to give it a go…
1. It’s become increasingly clear to me that the written word alone is less than ideal for conveying the subtleties and nuances integral to respectful parenting. Many misinterpretations and misconceptions have come to my attention in the almost 6 years I’ve been writing about RIE parenting. These misconceptions will be easy to clarify through my podcasts.
2. Parents in my classes have been expressing to me lately how much they appreciate (and even need) my weekly in-person demonstrations of the tone and feel of respectful limit setting. Engaging with young children with respect is still, unfortunately, countercultural and can feel counterintuitive, so we need all the reminders and modeling we can get.
3. My books No Bad Kids: Toddler Discipline Without Shame and Elevating Child Care: A Guide to Respectful Parenting have been extremely popular on Audible.
4. The response to the few podcasts I’ve shared in my posts has been enthusiastic. Listeners have shared that my audio descriptions and demonstrations are what finally got them over the hump to truly understanding and being able to implement respectful parenting practices.
5. Last, but not least, I realized that I can do these podcasts without prep work (which was the daunting part for me) by simply providing my off- the- cuff responses to the questions readers send me via email, Facebook, etc. So these will be similar to my phone consultations, but without the back-and-forth with the parents. Basically, I’ll be having lively conversations with myself.
In the future, I plan to ask other parenting advisers and early childhood educators, particularly RIE Associate Lisa Sunbury (from regardingbaby.org), to co-host so I have a real live person to discuss issues with, and I’m also hoping to share actual recordings of some of my parent consultations (if I can get volunteers).
But to start out with, it will just be me and written questions like this one that I answer in the premiere episode of Janet Lansbury Unruffled:
Hi! I read your book and love it! I love the communication tips and acknowledgment. It’s along the lines of how we parent our almost 3.5 and almost 5 year old girls. But what drives me insane is the verbal incessant demands / screams. While the girls follow directions and don’t bite, hit or kick they do yell at me a LOT. I try to acknowledge their feelings while holding the boundaries firm and they are strong, insistent little people. They ask for something. I say no. They say, “But I want it.” I explain why the answer is no and offer other options if possible and they just start yelling about how they want it. I acknowledge they’re upset and frustrated. And then the screaming continues. The worst is in the car. I can’t say “I won’t let you yell at me” because I can’t stop them. It makes me want to just cry. While I remain calm, inside I feel trapped and tortured. I don’t want to pull over because I want to get to my destination. I have just been feeling beat up by the yelling and that they won’t stop arguing the boundaries. I feel like I’m doing something wrong because I am feeling annoyed. I don’t know how to fix it. Thanks in advance if you can help!
Here’s my response:
Thanks for listening! If you found this podcast helpful and would like a notification for next week’s episode, please subscribe to Respectful Parenting: Janet Lansbury Unruffled on Soundcloud, iTunes or Stitcher.
Here’s a transcript of this first episode of Unruffled: “Kids Saying No to Boundaries (Screaming).” It is courtesy of Torin Thompson (August 24, 2015)
Hi, this is Janet Lansbury, and in this segment of Janet Lansbury Unruffled, I’m going to answer a question about screaming.
Okay, here’s a question from Teresa from Facebook:
“Hi. I read your book. I love it. I love the communication tips and acknowledgement. It’s along the lines of how we parent our almost 3.5- and almost 5-year-old girls, but what drives me insane is the verbal, incessant demands/screams. While the girls follow directions and don’t bite, hit or kick (well, that’s nice) they do yell at me a LOT – lot in capital letters. I try to acknowledge their feelings while holding the boundaries firm and they are strong, insistent little people. They ask for something. I say no. They say, ‘But I want it!’ I explain why the answer is no and offer other options if possible and they just start yelling about how they want it. I acknowledge they’re upset and frustrated and then the screaming continues.”
Okay, I’m going to stop right here. So, “They ask for something, I say no.” Right, no, this is what we’re doing or this is what we’re not doing. “They say, ‘But I want it.’” Okay. It’s helpful if this doesn’t jar us or grate on us, that we can just accept, “Oh, interesting. Yes. I know. It sounded like you wanted it.” Or something like that, on that level. Very unruffled. Very “you’ve got a right to complain and yell and scream and have your disagreement with my limit.”
This is the most important interaction for us to get comfortable with as parents. We disagree sometimes. You disagree with me. You don’t like what I choose as your wonderful parent that’s always looking out for you and looking out for our relationship and all these important things. A lot of the details of that are things that you, my child, are going to disagree with. That’s called being in a relationship, that’s called very, very healthy. So getting comfortable with this as parents is important, because what it sounds like is Teresa isn’t comfortable.
As soon as they say “But I want it,” now she feels like she’s got to come up with another answer or fix it or, you know, convince them further or do something else to make them not say something like that and definitely not scream, but actually both those things, “But I want it,” you know, whining, asking for it a million times, and screaming, stomping their feet, all of those things (again, it’s great that they don’t bite or hit, that would be something to calmly stop). But all of those reactions are within the realm of disagreement, the way children disagree. They don’t disagree very politely and diplomatically. “Actually, I disagree. I don’t like that choice that you made, Mother.” No, they do it like this.
Through these disagreements, they actually release other emotions, other stresses that they have, so it’s always positive. The bigger the overreaction, the more you can be sure they’re getting out of their system, and that’s a plus, because that means, like all of us, when we clear feelings, we feel better. Now we’re at our best again. Now we’re feeling happy, now we’re feeling comfortable, and if we can clear our feelings as a child, not only clear them, but have them be calmly accepted by our parents, that is one of the biggest gifts we can give children, because what we’re saying to them is, All these sides of you are okay with me. I accept all of you. I’m okay with you disagreeing. I’m okay with this side of you that’s not liking things that I do. It’s magic as parents if we can give that message.
Most of us as children did not get that message, that it was okay to be angry, that it was okay to disagree with our parents and have strong feelings about that. So again, this is gold, this is magic, this is the good stuff. Take advantage of these moments.
So they say, “But I want it,” and you might just look and nod and just nod your head. “Yeah, you want it,” without even saying that, saying that with a nod or a look. Very comfortable, very certain in your decision.
Then you explain, this is what Teresa said, she explains why the answer is no. I wouldn’t do that. Unless you want to give the briefest explanation, which I would probably give the first time when I say no. I would say, “No, that’s not safe,” or, “No, I don’t feel like doing that right now.” So you don’t have to explain further just because they’ve expressed their feeling about it, and the feeling started with, “But I want it.” Don’t get into trying to explain yourself. That’s trying to talk them out of disagreeing.
“…offer other options if possible.” So, no, you’re getting caught up in trying to fix it, trying to take away the disagreement. Well look, you can do this, you can do that, look at all these wonderful things you can do! Don’t be disappointed! Don’t be disagreeing with my decision. See, it works out fine.
Again, all the child feels is that you’re invalidating my right, you’re invalidating me and taking away my right to disagree and sometimes they’re disagreeing, again, because they need to blast you about the stresses they had at school that day or that you were gone at work or a number of other things, that they had trouble with a friend, or with their sibling, or something else. It’s important to trust. There’s always a reason and it’s always positive for them to disagree and have feelings about that.
Then Teresa says she offers other options and they just start yelling about how they want it. Right. Mom, you’re not letting me say no, You’re not letting me disagree. You’re not letting me have my feelings about this. It does tend to amplify the feelings when you’re not listening, you’re not, I’m not being heard here. Just let me be heard.
So roll out the red carpet for the screaming. I know this is counter intuitive, counter cultural, counter everything but it’s very important and the key to having the comfortable relationship with your children that you want, that I know that you want. Roll out the red carpet. Scream to your heart’s content. This is what I’ve decided, I’m a great parent making great decisions. Not that you’re going to say that, but in your mind. I’m working hard to be the best parent for you.
So the screaming continues. Let it go. Let it blow. Let it flow. All of those things. Just let it be and it will stop. Have you seen children do this? I see it all the time with toddlers. They scream so loud, they yell so loud or they cry so hard and in that moment I feel like this is going to be the rest of my life in this situation and look what I’ve done to this child, and I go to all these terrible places. But when I’m brave, when I let my shoulders drop and just relax and let, roll out the red carpet for them to have their feeling or their response, it goes away. It goes away very quickly. It’s magical. So do this. Trust this process. Be this brave hero that says, Tell me, tell me how much you don’t like this, I want to hear, I want to hear the full extent of it. Blast me. I’m strong, I’m your mom, you’re my kids and this is normally and healthy for us to have this exchange. Telling yourself all those kinds of things will help.
Then she goes on to say, “The worst is in the car. I can’t say, ‘I won’t let you yell at me.’” Uh-oh, so she’s been saying, “I won’t let you yell at me.” That’s making this all worse because now, by saying, “I won’t let you yell at me,” you’re giving your child this big ticket to bother you. Here, look, here’s something that I can’t control you doing that really bothers me. I don’t want you to yell at me. So again, I would have the opposite attitude. I would be, Yell at me when you’re mad. You can’t hurt me with a yell.
So she’s set this up, as we commonly do, all of us, she has set up this situation where her children can use this as a power tool to bother her. So at that point it becomes something other than just pure, authentic I need to scream. It can become I need to scream plus I need my mother to figure out why her children can just do something like this so easily that blows her out of the water.
Anyway she says, “The worst is in the car. I can’t say, ‘I won’t let you yell at me,’ because I can’t stop them.”
That’s true. You can’t really ever stop someone yelling at you. You have to know deep in your heart that they will grow out of this, they will be able to self-regulate, they will not always be people yelling and screaming.
Now if we yell and scream, that’s going to be very profound modeling because everything we do is profound modeling, so that can actually create a screamer, but other than that, this will go away if we can respond to it calmly and allow it and accept it and not be fazed by it.
So she says, “While I remain calm, inside I feel trapped and tortured.” I think this is because, most of us, when we feel trapped and tortured by what our child does, it’s not just because the sound is loud, it’s because we feel it getting to us, like they’re being mean or we’re supposed to do something to make it better. Our child is not happy and that means the world is not good at this moment. We go to those kinds of places. So yes, it’s loud, yes, I would just calmly put your hand, your free hand if you have one, on your ear. If it’s terrible and you say, “Please, ok, guys, can you save that for when we get home?” or something.
If it’s really bothering you, then I would maybe pull over. I would really maybe consider if where you’re taking them is a privilege for them. If it is, I would be very honest. “I’m not going to sit in a screaming car while I take you girls shopping so we’re going to turn around.” That is a very honest, logical consequence and the only kind I would ever use because it comes from your heart and your personal boundaries and you not being a doormat. So I would stop it at that point, but there’s really nothing else that you can do that’s effective. And again, I wouldn’t even do that to be effective, I would do it because that’s your real feeling. I can’t stand this and I’m not going to take you somewhere fun if you can’t respect me on this.
Other than that, I would let it go. If you say anything, I would try to very much understate it. “Huh, that’s a bit loud.” “Hmm, that’s a bit strong.” Those kind of responses. Totally sucks the power out of these behaviors that come under the category of We Can’t Control This. Same with words that they use as weapons. Same with, well really almost everything, I would have a calm, This doesn’t bother me, you’re little kids, I’m a grown up attitude.
And that tends to diffuse so much of this and certainly take the testing out of it, making it more authentic. That will help you to know that, once you’ve taken your testing out it, that you’re being the recipient of testing, such an easy recipient of testing by having a reaction. Once you take that out of it, then behavior becomes much more purely authentic. Wow, she felt so upset that she just needed to scream. So our responses add on to these behaviors, putting a little edge on them, because it’s not just about that they need to scream, it’s about that they found this easy way to bother us. And it’s a little bit disconcerting that it can be so easy to bother your mother, who’s an adult, has been on this planet for a long time.
What Teresa says is, “It makes me want to cry.”
I’m sorry about that. Yeah, I think Teresa is going to a place of feeling victimized by this behavior, like her daughters are being bullies and just being so unkind and she’s taking this to a very personal place, which again is common for us to do. It’s not personal. The only thing personal about it is that we’ve had a big response to it, so that means what we do have is the power to totally diffuse this behavior and make it very, very rare by again under-reacting, knowing its healthy, knowing its positive, the more they get out the better, the less primal scream therapy bills you’re gonna have in the future. 🙂 That was one of Magda Gerber’s jokes, my mentor. She used to say sometimes that if a toddler was screaming, having a meltdown in one of her classes, she would say to the mother, “Well, she won’t need to go to primal scream therapy when she’s older.” And I know, that could seem cold, but we all got it. We got that this is healthy for children, young children especially, to do.
And teenagers, by the way, not that much different. They need to scream, they need to slam the door, they need maybe to say, “I hate you.” Those kind of things. So rather than seeing these kinds of behaviors as a fail or feeling like a victim to them, see them as a win. Not that you want your children to be upset, but a win for your relationship because of the way you’re handling it. The messages you’re giving your children are amazing. You’re safe with me. You can show me your dark sides. Your feelings are a safe place to go. I’m Mom who knows what I’m doing. It’s a great opportunity.
Now Teresa says, “I have just been feeling beat up by the yelling and like they won’t stop arguing the boundaries.”
Okay, I didn’t even read that before I said it sounds like she feels bullied by her children. So, don’t be somebody that can be beat up by yelling. You’re bigger than that. You’re stronger than that. Rise above this. You can’t get beat up by yelling. So again, seeing this differently, rolling out the red carpet. Yell, yell louder, go guys, get it out, you really don’t like what I chose, you don’t like this boundary. Tell me. I want to hear it. If you had that attitude, you’d be set.
“But they won’t stop arguing the boundaries.” That’s a really good point. “They won’t stop arguing the boundaries.” No they won’t, but the question here is, why are you arguing the boundaries with them? It takes two to argue. If you’re not arguing back, there’s no one to argue with. So let them complain about the boundaries. Let them say what a terrible boundary that was, fifty thousand times, that they really want to do it and how could you do this and all? Again expressing feelings, positive, good. Rise higher. Rise above it. Imagine yourself this big, powerful person. Because you are in this relationship. And you know what? They need us to be. They need us to be big, powerful people in this relationship, because if not, they can’t be little kids in this relationship. They can’t be the kids unless we’re the big, powerful—comfortably and gently powerful—grownup.
So then Teresa says, “I feel like I’m doing something wrong because I’m feeling annoyed.”
Well, yeah, so what’s wrong is the way that she’s perceiving her children’s behavior and response to her limit. The way she’s perceiving it is what’s wrong. So feeling annoyed, if we’re perceiving this in a healthy way, won’t happen.
“I don’t know how to fix it.” That’s right, none of us know how to fix somebody else’s feelings. Throw your hands up and surrender to that.
“Thanks in advance if you can help.”
You’re very welcome, I really hope this helped. I share more about this in my book No Bad Kids, which is available on audio and Kindle and Nook and iBook and some other places I’m not thinking of right now. This should really help you get the dynamic of our relationship with our children around boundaries and how it feels to have that back and forth where we say, This is something that you really don’t want to hear, but this is how it’s going to be. We stay comfortable, they ask fifty thousand times. We keep nodding our heads, maybe, or we don’t, we keep letting it go.
Every ten times they say it, we say, “Wow, you’re still bothered by that, you’re still thinking about how I said no to that, you’re not liking that.” So it’s clear. It’s maybe a bit scary to go to these places and just let these feelings explode, but there’s a great freedom in it as well, and when you get used to this feeling, these feelings of diving into this, I don’t know, diving out of an airplane, whatever it feels like to just let feelings be, let them come at you and know that it’s not about you, it’s about them, very freeing. You may even get hooked on this. But it’s, as freeing as it is, it’s still going to be a challenge. It’s still a challenge for me with my older children. Every time I do it and, you know, afterwards, I pat myself on the back. You did it. You let them be themselves in this relationship with you. Be their worst selves in this relationship with you.
The amount of love they feel is incredible.
So that’s it for today. Thank you so much and don’t forget, we can do this.
(Photo by the wonderful Sara Prince!)
This is such wonderful news!
Thanks for your encouragement!
love your work! how many podcasts have you aired so far and where can we find them?
Thank you, Keri! The links to my channel on soundcloud, itunes and Sticher are in the beginning of this post (2nd paragraph). I’m adding one each week and currently have 6.
So exciting. Thank you!
:)))
Janet, I am really looking forward to your podcasts. My consult with you last week provided me with so much more clarity. I’m sure your podcasts will be just as helpful. Thank you!!!
That’s great news! Thank you for letting me know!
I look forward to listening to more!!
LOVE the subject of this first podcast and your guidance with it….as this is something I’m struggling with with my 7yr old. Kids are sooo persistent! lol
Thank you for what you do!
You’re so welcome! Yes, they are persitent, particularly if they sense our discomfort disagreeing with them. 😉
So helpful! Thanks, listening makes all the difference… I look forward to more.
Thanks, Jo!
Thank you Janet, I am so so excited about this, for all the reasons you mentioned, and specifically how much easier these ideas will be to share with my husband. He is very receptive to anything I share with him, but doesnt have much time to read. I’d love to give him something to listen to as he commutes rather than me just saying “well Janet says this, Janet says that.”
Thank you, Marie! I hope it works and he doesn’t just think I’m a big nut!
Thank you Janet
You’re welcome!
Very very glad this is going to be a weekly podcast! I have found your others so useful. Very excited to tune in each week. Thanks Janet!!
Cool! Thank you for your kind words of support, Amy!
This is great news! I just listened to this podcast and feel as if I ‘get it’ on a whole new level. You’re right, so much is conveyed through tone. So helpful, Janet, thank you!
Oh, Hooray! You’re so welcome!
Thank you so much for this. You could not have posted this at a better time. I had to use your advice about five minutes after listening to your podcast. It was so helpful to hear your voice and how you say things. So today instead of trying to fix the tantrumi sat and remained calm. He stopped after a while and hugged me. Thank you
Oh, YAY! I love hearing that! Let go and welcome the feelings and you’ll both feel the difference. 🙂
Love it!!! Thanks so much for this!!
My pleasure! It was fun to do!
Janet, I’m sitting in a hotel lobby waiting for a room and going thru emails so I can’t actually listen to this podcast now but wanted to tell you — again — that the last podcast I heard on your site was so amazing and wonderful I sent it to as many parents as I could and kept it for future reference. You’re right – the tone is so important and you really get it across. Can’t wait to hear this and the next ones. The parents of the world just got luckier!
Your encouragement means a lot to me, Ruth! I’m so thrilled that the podcasts are helpful to parents!
Best news I’ve heard all day! I’m an avid listener of podcasts and can’t wait to listen to yours.
If there are other parenting podcasts you or your readers enjoy, perhaps we could share them here? I like The Longest Shortest Time, and Slate’s “Mom and Dad are Fighting”.
Thanks, Camille! Yes, I would love to hear everyone’s podcast recommendations.
Coming back to say you have a beautiful voice, and are a pleasure to listen to!
Hah! I’m reminded of a recent experience putting my 5yo niece to bed. We were on vacation, sleeping in close quarters: the children were on small beds, and my sister (their mom) and I were sharing the full-sized bed.
My niece wanted to sleep in the full-sized bed so that a grownup could snuggle with her ALL NIGHT, NOT JUST FOR A LITTLE WHILE, as she explained (shouted) at me in an exasperated tone. (I did not laugh, but I admit I was tickled by how much anger went into this conversation about snuggling.)
I told her that this wasn’t an option that I was willing to offer her, but that I’d be happy to snuggle her in her bed until she fell asleep.
For a good 30 minutes, she fought and argued and insisted that she would REFUSE to sleep unless I acquiesced, until finally she looked me in the eye and shouted intensely, “OKAY. I would like you to snuggle me in my bed until I fall asleep. But that is NOT my FIRST CHOICE!”
Then she laid down, pulled my arm around her, and fell asleep.
In the end, seems like it was more important to her that I understood what she wanted and how heartily she disagreed than it was to actually get what she wanted.
YES! And was no doubt a bit stressed and tired because of the traveling. She needed to share that, too! Thank you for sharing such a vivid description!
Thank you for offering this! I enjoyed the first two and look forward to more!
My pleasure! I’m enjoying them
Thank you so much for taking the time to do this! I have always thought if only I could hear how limit setting sounds like as I just felt like I wasn’t saying it quite right. I try so hard to be respectful but never felt sure of myself. I also have no access to RIE classes where I live so very very grateful for this and the podcasts to come. Thank you you’ve been my saviour with my kids!
I’m so glad to hear that, Zareen! Thank you!
You mentioned that a parent yelling can become modeling for a child. Can you speak/write more about the cycle of yelling that sometimes goes on in families? I often yell when I’m angry, although I do try my very best not to yell. I’ve been practicing patience and mindfulness of my anger for a long time, and I’ve made so much progress (but I still lose it sometimes!) There are many times I don’t get ruffled and I don’t yell (both with my child and with others), but I still do. I already know to set boundaries early, before becoming annoyed, and I’ve gotten pretty good about that, but sometimes it’s just all too much, it’s overwhelming, and I find myself yelling at my daughter (age 22 months) and my husband, too. My mother yelled, her mother yelled, and so on. Even today, I have a tendency to yell at my mother more than anyone else in the whole world. I feel as though this is some kind of cycle that I’m trying very hard to break, and any insight would be appreciated.
Christin – this isn’t complicated. Our modeling as a profound effect on our children. If we model a lack of self-regulation (yelling), our children will tend to emulate that. The best thing we can do if we do yell is apologize and repair this situation with our children, i.e., “I’m sorry I lost my temper. That wasn’t okay.”
I think it’s wonderful that you’ve made the first step to making changes… recognition.
Thank you so much for the podcasts. They are awesome. So clear and no room for misinterpretation.
Thank you, Kate! I so appreciate your encouragement
Hi Janet,
Thanks so much for all you do to spread Magda’s ideas about parenting and child development. I think this conversational podcast is just what parent’s want.
Toddler screaming is a concern of parents in my older baby and toddler classes. In class we don’t have as much time to go into detail and of course the toddler/babies are listening in. As you say, the upset is not about you, the adult, it’s about the child. The outcome is definitely about the adult’s attitude: willingness to acknowledge the child’s point of view and allow intense feelings to be released, waiting, just like with younger babies, and staying certain about the limits we set. I especially love Veronica’s story. I got the feeling from the initial question that the 2 daughters may be teaming up on mom in the car. How would you suggest handling that situation?
Hi Janet,
Thanks so much for the podcast on screaming/yelling. I feel like I need your words and examples to be played over in my mind to give me the strength to remain unruffled during my sons next screaming fit (they’re frequent).
Do you have any additional suggestions on what to do once the child has become a habitual ‘screamer’? My 2yo son has daily, ferocious screaming fits when I approach him about getting dressed (but he is ok once we get started so I don’t think it is s sensory thing). It’s been happening for well over 12 months and I have lost my cool about it many times, it’s really engrained now and he would be very aware that it is a point of anxiety for me.
Thanks again
Right, so it will take a bit of time for you to “prove” to your son that you are his capable leader, not jarred by his healthy resistance. Keep perceiving his “sharing” as positive and stay calm and this behavior will be much less frequent. Hang in there!
Thanks so much for the reply it is so helpful.
BTW as mentioned above by others, the podcast is so handy because I can hear the tone that you say you suggested responses (e.g. the tone is more lighthearted then I have used) which I can try to use as inspiration in my attempts to kickstart a more positive response to that ‘sharing’
Sounds good!
Love your podcast!
I love your podcast so far. I have some older children (8 and 6) as well as my young one. Will you be doing episodes about positive parenting techniques for older children or do you have recommendations for some I could listen to?
Hi, ive been listening on soundcloud so there is no review option (or i am not technical enough to find it) but these podcasts are amazing. They help to understand tone in a way it is difficult to grasp from the written word.
And are perfect to listen to on a difficult day to stay calm and unruffled.
That’s helpful feedback, Jess! Thank you so much
Hi Janet,
Please keep the podcasts weekly if you can! I love listening to them and look forward to the new one each week 🙂
Thanks
Janelle
Thank you for your encouragement, Janelle!
Hi Janet
I’ve only discovered rie parenting a few months ago and it’s completely changed the way I think about parenting. I feel so much more relaxed about things and really feel the pressure is off. I was stuck in a bit of a “spend lots of quality time” loop, which is just exhausting. So thank you!
I love your podcasts and the fact that they’re weekly. If you could keep them weekly I’d love it!
Cheers, Zoe
I just listened to your most recent pod cast, coping with possessiveness, and I heard you needed some feedback. I wasn’t sure where to put it, so I figured here was best. I love your pod casts and I check every week for a new topic. I am a TSS by day (I help kiddos and their caregivers, mainly on the spectrum, deal with challenging behaviors in the home) and I clean for my dad’s business at night (the perfect time to listen to your pod casts lol). I am also the mother of an intelligent, independent-thinking, budding 14 month old daughter. The hardest part of my job is teaching parents to do LESS, to react LESS, and to not take things personally. I’ve recommended your channel to several other parents and I’ve had feedback that often sounds like, “Thank you for showing me this. I really needed to hear that.” So many parents struggle with finding the time to just sit and read a book or blog, pod casts open a whole new availability for busy parents (like myself). Plus, hearing your thoughts and voice tone in reaction to real life situations is extremely helpful. I myself would love to hear more about tantrums. The kiddos I work with have some pretty serious tantrums and they can’t be difficult to simply validate and direct to a safe place. thank you for all that you do! You have taught me so much!
Hi Janet!
I just discovered the podcast and LOVE it. I find it harder to learn from reading a book/website and don’t seem to find the time. I love listening to the podcast while I’m at work and I hope you keep them going!
I wanted to leave a review on the podcast but couldn’t find how to do it, so thought I’d leave a reply here. Janet the podcasts are great. I really look forward to them and find them a great resource for when I’m cooking or cleaning and can listen but can’t read! I would love even more of your articles available by podcast if you wanted to do more. Please don’t stop doing them! Hope you get this feedback even if it’s not quite in the right place. If I can figure out how to feedback via iTunes I will!
It’s been a week since I discovered you via my husband. Thank you for your podcasts and book. I’ve shared you with my mom group and you ARE A GAME/LIFE Changer!!! thank you so much!!!!!
Wow, that’s so great to hear, Cheryll! And I really needed the boost today, so thank you thank you
really love the podcasts! i wish there were so many more! i’ve listened to them all already! really hope you keep it up. this is the *only* podcast about this style of parenting (and i don’t just mean RIE, but all the gentle respectful nonviolent parenting ideas out there, from alfie kohn to naomi aldort to lawrence cohen to adele faber)… there just aren’t any other podcasts about parenting even remotely in the same vein! so, thank you for filling the void! 🙂
Hi Janet,
I just wanted to let you know how much I’m enjoying your weekly podcasts. I often read (and re-read) your blog posts to keep me on track with your approach (and to find relevant information on whatever the new challenge of the week is!), but having a weekly audio reference is so helpful. I don’t necessarily find that the RIE approach comes naturally to me, but the more I practice it and remind myself that I don’t need to fight or resist my sons feelings (and boy does he have STRONG and FREQUENT feelings!!) the easier my journey as a mother has become. Your podcast helps to remind me to keep calm and just be present with my son rather than allow my emotional reactions to influence my response to behaviour that I find difficult. Anyway, the point of my message is to let you know that I would love if your podcasts continued weekly! Oh, and thank you!!
In your last podcast you asked for feedback and I wasn’t sure where to give it to you. I appreciate your podcast because it helps me hear what to say and how to say it. I have 4 kids under 4 including 3 year old twins. It’s always crazy but I’m so grateful for you and the resources I’ve found because of you that help me to acknowledge feelings, mine and my kids’. My biggest challenge now is when one particular twin wants something like more milk that I won’t give him (because he just plays with it), and he just tantrums. The podcast is also useful to me because I can study while I clean and cook!
Hi Janet,
I just wanted to take a minute and tell you how much your podcast has rocked my parenting foundation. I only found you in the last 6 months, thanks to a friend who shared your post on Facebook, and I’ve been devouring each podcast. I have your books cued up to listen to but I just wanted to say how much I love the PODCAST itself. In my quest for parenting guidance, what I have longed for is the play by play example, complete with script and possible scenarios. Not just “do this” and why to do it (which is important) except it leaves you helpless when things don’t go the way you thought they would. I just really have appreciated hearing you tone and dialogue with the hypothetical child and situation. It’s been so valuable so please keep it up. I eagerly await each post! Thanks, Amy
Hi Amy! That is so very encouraging! Thank you, thank you, thank you
Thank you so much for your work and for the podcasts (specifically – I never have time to read with my 1.5 year old, so podcasts are great!)
I am learning so much and always looking forward to new ones coming out!
Thank-you so much for creating these podcasts. I found these randomly after seeing your name mentioned in a natural parenting group. The two that I have listened to are very helpful and encouraging for me.
I am so glad to hear that, Mandi!
Dear Janet
I bought both books and keep them on my nightable besides my bed to read and reread.
With your permission I translate it for the parents in the chidcare centers that I counsel and the parents don’t stop thanking me for this “new language” that they are learning.
I especially enjoy listening to your voice on the podcast to hear how the message sounds. I tell the parents that toddlers listen to our voice, the look in our eyes and our body language and not so much to the actual words we use.
Thank you so much for the great mission you have undertaken.
Much health and happiness to you
miriam Blau
Israel
I just want to thank you for all the amazing content you provide. I’ve never been able to find a parenting style that fit me and my 22 month old son’s needs until I started to learn about RIE parenting. I outright disagree with the attachment parenting philosophy, and then there are the folks screaming “Put that child down or you’ll spoil him!” And that felt too aloof.
I love the concept of providing confident leadership and boundaries without using shame to discipline. After implementing some of the techniques I’ve learned, I have already seen a positive change in some of my son’s undesirable behaviors. So thank you again, from a very appreciative parent.
Hurray! Thank you so much, Amanda! I’m thrilled for you and, to be honest, really needed that boost today. 🙂 Thank you again.
I have listened to your Unruffled podcast for a while, but I’ve been working backwards! I loved it until today. Your “self directed learners outside of school” really seemed to villify public school teachers. I’m a mom who does as much gentle, respectful, whole brain parenting as possible, but I am also a first grade teacher. I strive to provide as much structure as they need to keep the peace and have a safe place to learn and grow. I felt like this episode was biased, horrible, and written from a place of being uneducated in the things that sometimes bind public school teachers to what they “have to” do. I will no longer be listening to your podcast. This has broken my heart today to know that only “private school” educators are valued in your eyes.
Hi Katie – I am so sorry you got that impression and I’m curious to know where you are seeing Laura or I vilifying public school teachers. Nothing could be further from how I feel. Also wondering if you are misunderstanding this podcast as a written piece. I have included a transcript for readers’ convenience, but these podcasts are intended to be listened to, not read. Again, very sorry to have offended you!
Hello Janet,
I listen to your podcasts on Spotify on my half an hour to work and half an hour back and I want to express my gratitude, your voice resounds on the back of my head when interacting with my little baby at home as well as when interacting at the school where I work in a kindergarten class. I try to put in practice as best as I can all the RIE approaches I’ve learned.
Thank you so much!
Hi Natalie! I’m so touched you shared that with me. Thank you!
xo Janet
Hi Janet. I have two daughters (an almost 4 year old and a 10 mo old). My 4 year old has been responding to boundary setting with avoidant behavior. For example, she will say ‘I don’t want anyone to see me’ when she is expected to do an age appropriate task that she doesn’t want to comply with at the time. I can’t think of any other scenarios in this moment but it happens quite often. Do you have any episodes that cover this? I’d love to hear your perspective and ways to help us work through this behavior.
Do you do “unruffled” spouses? I need it.
Gratitude Overflowing!
Listening to Janet Lansbury’s Unruffled has been an absolute game-changer for me as a parent. Her insights on respectful parenting have not only transformed the way I approach challenges with my little ones but have also deepened the connection we share.
Janet’s wisdom resonates like a comforting hug, reminding us that parenting is a journey, not a destination. Her thoughtful perspectives and gentle guidance inspire me to embrace the art of respectful communication and understand my child’s perspective better.
Thank you, Janet, for creating a space where we can learn, grow, and navigate the beautiful chaos of parenthood together. Your Unruffled podcast is a beacon of light in the parenting world, and I’m endlessly grateful for the positive impact it has had on my family. ✨