Hi. This is Janet Lansbury, welcome to Unruffled. Today, I’m going to be talking about potty learning and I want to preface the perspective I share as… a perspective. Obviously not the only way, or maybe even for some people the best way, to go about helping our children learn to use the potty. There are a lot of different methods parents choose and they all seem to result, eventually at least, in people who are toilet trained, because adults that we know are mostly toilet trained. Please know, this is just a singular perspective that I know for sure works and I want to share all about it today.

As you may have gathered from the title of this episode, the approach I believe in is to allow our children to lead, direct and navigate this process with our support. First I want to explain why I believe this is the best way…

Because they can. Children are able to do this. They can own this accomplishment. And that may seem like an unimportant aspect to some people. But with the approach that I teach, with Magda Gerber‘s approach, we value tremendously the self-motivation and the inner directedness of our children from birth. And that means, as much as possible, we want to nurture that. We want to allow them to do the things that they’re able to do right from the beginning. We want to try to hold space for that, encourage that so children can continue to believe in themselves and know that they are capable, that they can accomplish. Not just the things that we want them to but the things that they innately want to do. Learning to go on the potty is one of them. Because they know that other people do this and they see that we do this, their parents and adult caregivers. They will naturally want to achieve this on their own.

Accomplishments build on themselves. When we allow our baby to be the one to decide to reach for and eventually grasp a toy rather than putting it into their hands one day, maybe they don’t do it in the manner that we would wish or maybe they don’t pick up the toy that we think they should pick up, they pick up another one, but eventually, they do this. And every one of those experiences builds self-confidence, encourages them to trust their innate competence. And encourages us to as well because we see that our children can do things, because we’ve held space for that and not done everything for them ourselves. We will see again and again: oh wow, my child can do that too.

Another reason I believe in child-led is that it helps us to avoid a complication that often happens. Well, I hear about it a lot because the parents reaching out to me, a lot of them have experienced this issue where they try to help their child make potty training happen and their child resisted. Sometimes parents don’t even realize that their agenda is being felt by their child. Maybe they aren’t talking about it a lot but the child is sensing that they want them to potty train. Or sometimes they’ve overtly tried to make potty training happen and the child resists. And I know this because parents will say to me sometimes, “Well, I did let my child lead mostly but they refuse to even go on the potty.” When somebody uses the word “refuse,” it connotes that a child has been asked to do something or feels the parent wants them to do something, otherwise they couldn’t refuse.

What happens is that children, as they’re becoming toddlers, and some get this even earlier in the infant months, they’re beginning to individuate as separate people from us. That is part of their healthy development as people: to want to be more independent, want to do it themselves, want to see where their power is. And so when we’re trying to help a child potty train in those toddler years, which is when it’s commonly done, then our child has this natural urge to resist us. That’s why toddlers are famous for saying, “No,” acting in ways that we don’t want them to, not doing what we ask them to do, not quote, “listening,” making their own decisions about whatever the rules are if they’re going to follow them or not. It’s healthy for them to be that way.

And when we’re trying to potty train, we’re playing right into that without meaning to, that need for a child to resist. Now they’re resisting us not because they don’t actually want to potty learn but for the sake of resisting us.

As a toddler, I want to be my own person. If you tell me or I sense you want me to do something, I want to do the opposite. It’s the healthy developmental impulse in me. Toilet training can bring that on in a way that frustrates us as parents. But if we allow a child to completely own and lead this process, then they’re not going to resist us there. They’re going to resist us in other ways but not in this one. That won’t get in the way. There won’t be emotional power struggle issues that impede the process.

The third reason why I believe in child-led potty learning is that in my experience, it’s much easier, and I’m all for easy. I’m all for effortless. We have too many things to do as parents as it is. The toddler years are exhausting, emotionally exhausting, physically exhausting for us. It’s all happening. There’s a lot going on. And as I said to a parent I was consulting with, if we can “take the poop off of our plate,” that’s one less thing that we have to deal with, how our child is potty learning.

But what it does require of us is a different kind of challenge. We’re not challenged to try to figure out how to get our child to do this and get our child to do that and how to make it happen but we’re challenged in an emotional way to let go and trust.

I talk about this a lot on a lot of different topics around children because it’s not easy. I talk about it a lot because it’s difficult. I know it’s difficult. It feels like we’re letting go. How can we really trust this person to do something when they’re that little? And what if they don’t? And it’s challenging. But that is the challenge that I recommend around toilet learning, to not just say to ourselves that we’re not going to push it but to really believe in our child. They will do it, just the way they grasp that toy that they chose to grasp when they were ready to, just as they walked, just as they started talking, they can do this.

Those are the three reasons: 1) because they can and it’s so healthy for them to achieve autonomously. Two, 2) because we don’t want to lay into toddler resistance if we can help it. And three, 3) because it’s less work for us, less confusing for us to try to figure it out.

Now I want to move on to how. How do we do this? Because trusting our children and them being able to accomplish something does not happen in a vacuum. And that is very true with toilet learning.

What our job is, is to nurture the environment that encourages children to not only achieve for themselves but to feel comfortable about their bodily functions and understand them. The best most organic way to do that is the way that we diaper change with a baby. Do we slow down instead of distracting them? Do we invite them to pay attention to what’s happening with their body parts, using the real names for body parts, being careful not to teach children that there’s something gross or awful or smelly or disgusting about their bodily functions? Even if we think that’s true, imagine how that feels to a child when now they’re expected to go in the potty. They can have shame around their feces and their urine. They can feel fear around letting this go, letting this out because people have reacted to it in a way that was negative.

I would take care in the words that you choose in your attitude. In a way, we have to be kind of professional about this aspect of caring for a child, the way a nurse caring for a very elderly incontinent adult would treat that. They wouldn’t say, “Oh, this is so gross and smelly.” It’s really important with children if we want them to have a healthy relationship with their body and their bodily functions. We don’t want shame and fear to get in the way. Normalizing. And that’s something that we cultivate beginning with our newborn. We narrate the diaper change so that our child knows what’s happening, understands the self-care aspects, doesn’t feel self-conscious or shame or fear.

And then communication is a big part of this process all the way through. Again, starting with your baby and then also noticing signs of readiness, which doesn’t mean that we jump on it and say, “Okay, now I’m going to train you. You’re ready.” (It doesn’t mean that with this perspective, anyway. It’s for our own information.)

Magda Gerber used to say, “There are three ways that children need to be ready:” 1) physically. They need to be able to hold in their bodily functions until they can get to a potty. That has to happen. Then, 2) cognitively. They understand what the potty is and what to do. And then, 3) emotionally. And that’s the one, again, where it can backfire with parents if the child is emotionally in that period of resistance and the parent is nudging or pushing them in a direction.

Also emotionally, it can be tougher if there have been emotions created around these experiences of diaper changes and things like that. That one gets in the way most often.

But just understanding that those all have to be in place and that we can’t rush developments and that this, like many developments, is not a linear process. For many children, there will be times they want to go in the potty and then maybe there are stressors or challenges in their life, feelings that they hold back again and they need to be in diapers again for a while — they’ve moved houses or there’s a new baby or something. It’s common for children to have this not be a direct linear process. If we can understand that as parents then we’ll worry less and our expectations will be in line with what’s actually going on.

I would at some point with your child, when they’re probably around one and a half or at least on their feet walking, I would get a small potty and have it in your bathroom. I wouldn’t have it out in the playroom and have it be a toy that children do whatever they want with like the other toys that we in their play area. It has a specific purpose. It’s in the bathroom. It’s just there. We don’t bring focus to it. We don’t put pressure around it, that here’s this thing and “now we want you to do this.” We don’t have an agenda. It’s just there so that when our child wants to experiment, they can.

And then I would say to my child at some point, especially if they’re starting to show signs that they’re telling me ahead of time that they are moving their bowels or have to urinate, then I would say, “It looks like you’re telling me you have to pee,” or, “It looks like you have to pee, the potty’s there. If you ever want to try, I’ll take you there.” Or we might even say, “Do you want to try the potty?” But this has to be the most open-ended, I totally trust you and I really don’t care, subtext. Because again, there are children that are very, very sensitive to our tone, our agendas and we don’t want that to get in the way. But I would make it clear at some point that you’re available to help anytime your child wants to try. And I would do that probably even before two years old, as soon as I got the potty, maybe I would say, “If you ever want to use the potty and you want help, let me know.” And then I would drop it, not just with my child but with myself.

And what will happen is our child will want to try it one time, and maybe run off on their own and do it or we’re there, but there’ll be a time that they do it, that they pee in the potty. I know some advisors recommend doing a big hoopla around that and a big celebration. I wouldn’t. Because again, that can read to a child, I’m so happy. This is about me. I’m relieved, I’m excited!  And it can be distracting for a child. It can take them into resistance mode, maybe, and also it kind of takes ownership of the experience from them and becomes more about us and how excited we are. We can be excited, but I wouldn’t have a big to-do. I would say something more like, “Wow, you went on the potty this time. How did that feel?” Or, “That’s pretty cool.” Whatever words you would use but just a mellow, authentic, connected response. More interested in what our child’s thinking than how excited we are.

Then I wouldn’t, again, see that this is now done and my child’s going to do this every time. I would know that might just be an anomaly for now and we’ll see. Keep letting it go. Not bringing it up every day, not bringing it up even every week. At the most offering it when your child seems to be needing to go. Then you could say, “Oh, do you want to go in the potty?” Or, “If you ever want me to help you with your diaper,” or if your child is in Pull-Up at this point maybe, “Let me know and I will give you a hand.” But I would use that very sparingly.

Then there’s a point when your child is doing this regularly. That’s the point where I would say, “It seems like you’re going on the potty now. Do you want to wear underwear instead of diapers?” And they would probably say yes to that.

What can happen sometimes with the parents that I hear from is that they bring up the idea of underwear, and then our child senses our excitement about that so they want to wear the underwear, but they’re actually not ready to wear the underwear. And the parent feels understandably like: oh gosh, I don’t want to discourage this underwear thing. But at the same time, they’re having accidents all over the house. But I don’t want to say no to underwear if my child’s asking for it.

That right there is where a boundary needs to be, in my opinion. Where we say, not because it’s a punishment and you’ve stepped back and now you have to go back into diapers, but “it’s my job as your parent to help you stay comfortable, so we’re going to keep the diapers on you so you don’t have to worry. I don’t want you to have to worry about going on the potty. When you’re ready, I know you’ll do it. I believe in you.” A very honest caring boundary.

And again, if we stay in letting go mode, then we won’t find ourselves in these little traps where now we’re excited. It can also happen that our child says, “I want to sit on the potty.” And we say, “Okay.” And now they’re sitting there and sitting there and sitting there and want us to read them books or do all these things. And we’re feeling like: oh my gosh, I don’t want to discourage this so I’ve got to do this. I’ve got to hang out with my child for half an hour in the bathroom when they want me to or before bed or whatever it is.

The reason we get stuck there is that we’re so afraid that this is a delicate process, which it really isn’t. It’s only delicate in the emotional areas. But when our child wants to do this, they’ll do it. No reasonable boundary that we have will get in the way of the process.

So we don’t have to worry that if I do something reasonable, like say, “Okay, let’s go to the potty for a few minutes and let’s see.” And then we say, “You know what? I think you can try again another time, just let me know.”

No pressure, but being reasonable, not feeling hamstrung that we’ve got to make this happen our child’s way however they want it to. That’s where the boundaries have to come in. Because if we look at why we’re getting stuck there, it’s because we’re afraid, or that we really want this to happen so badly that we’re willing to do anything. And our child will feel those exact things coming from us and it won’t be helpful.

Another thing that can get in the way sometimes is if we generally struggle with boundaries. I definitely did in the beginning with my daughter but some people kind of set me straight early on, so I was getting it. And one of those people was Magda. So I can understand how it happens, especially with the approach I teach that is “follow the child, let the child lead.”

And the parent lets the child lead everything and doesn’t understand that the child leading is in a context of boundaries, predictable, solid boundaries that the parent has. If those boundaries aren’t in place, that actually holds them back in developments like potty training. It’s harder if they feel like they don’t have that security of those rules and boundaries around them. Sometimes that’s why delays are caused.

Other times I would check out physical reasons. Dr. Steven Hodges was on my podcast and he talks all about some surprising physical things that can be going on with a child who’s very delayed toilet learning or having accidents. I would check that out (HERE).

Let’s cover some of the other issues that come up…  School, I want my child to go to this preschool and they have to be potty trained. What do I do? I’ve got to make it happen.

Well, early childhood educators who understand child development, which they all should, know that there isn’t a hard line between children who can and can’t go on the potty. It’s a process. Again, not a linear process either. I have found that most schools are a little more open than they may present themselves to be. But if this school or care situation absolutely isn’t and you really need your child to go there, I would consider a couple of things.

One, I would consider if you could do fewer hours. Because oftentimes even a child’s who is potty trained will hold. Especially if they didn’t come to potty training of their own volition completely, they will hold while they’re at school. While that may be okay for a few hours, we don’t want that to be for the full day ideally.

If you’re really concerned and you need to make a deadline in terms of your child being potty trained, I would still, instead of trying to make it happen or coax it to happen or use rewards and bribes and all of that stuff, pitting yourself against your child —  we accidentally do that when we use those kind of tactics. It’s a kind way of doing it but we’re still saying: Okay, I want you to do something for me so I’m going to do something for you. And it becomes about us. But what we can do is still work with our child on the situation by being very honest and open. And then we still have to let go and trust.

I’ve seen this happen with so many families who were, first of all, projecting six months ahead and that interfered with them being able to trust. And then because of that, they got in the way of something that probably could have happened with trust: their child doing this of their own volition. I would partner with my child on this and say:

“There’s this playschool that we want you to go to.” And maybe our child gets to go see it. “We think you’d have so much fun, that you’d really love it. The only thing about it is the children there, they go on the potty. So we would love to try to help you go on the potty so that you can go there. Please let us know if there’s anything we can do that would help make it easier for you.”

At that point, I would still let go. I know it’s going to be very, very scary to let go but that’s the best chance that we have, I believe, of getting what we want and still allowing our child to reap the benefits.

Now let’s say that we have been leading toilet training… I hear from a lot of parents who are having difficulties and it’s not working and their child seems to be resisting. What can they do to turn this around? And really it’s simple. Let go, trust your child, let them know honestly that you realize that you’ve been trying to get them going with potty training but you realize that they are totally capable of doing this. You know they will when they’re ready. “Just please let me know if there’s anything I can do to help.” And that’s it. But really letting go, not just saying the words, really trusting.

I think I could do a whole series on this topic because there’s a lot to say but I’ll just leave it there for today. Again, this isn’t the only way. It’s the way that I believe in 100%. Thank you so much for listening.

For more, please check out the posts and all the podcasts on my website. They’re all categorized by topic and you should be able to find whatever you’re looking for. There are many of them there.

I have a piece called Three Reasons Kids Don’t Need Potty Training, and that will fill in some things that I talked about today.

Also, if you’re not aware of my books, please check them out. They’re bestsellers on Amazon: No Bad Kids, Toddler Discipline Without Shame and Elevating Child Care, A Guide To Respectful Parenting.  They’re available on audio at audible.com and you can get one for free by using a link in the liner notes of this podcast. You can also get them in paperback at Amazon and in ebook at Amazon, Google Play, Barnes and Noble, and apple.com. And if you find this podcast helpful, you can help it to continue by giving it a positive review on iTunes and by supporting my sponsors.

Thank you again. We can do this.

The post Potty Learning – How and Why to Let Children Lead the Way appeared first on Janet Lansbury.

The post Problems with Potty Training, Constipation, Bedwetting, and Preschool Policies (with Dr. Steven Hodges) appeared first on Janet Lansbury.

Transcript of “It’s Not Regression”

Hi, this is Janet Lansbury, welcome to Unruffled. Today I’m going to be addressing an email I received from a parent whose major concern is that her son, who’s four-and-a-half years old, seems to be showing what she describes as a huge regression. There are a lot of upsetting elements in this family’s life, and she notices that her son is being disrespectful of her body and seems to be regressing in other areas as well, and she’s resorted to hitting him, which she feels terrible about. So I hope to offer this family some perspective and help.

Here’s the email I received. It’s kind of long, so please bear with me, because I think all of these details are important:

Hi, Janet. I’m grateful for all your podcasts and support. I hope I am becoming a better parent as a result, but today I am certainly questioning that. It has definitely been a stressful time for parents everywhere. Our family lives half a block from the Minneapolis riots, and we’ve been navigating a lot from the pandemic, including working from home with pre-school closed, and now having tough social justice conversations. On top of it all is the trauma of recent events, feeling unsafe at home for nearly a week, and our city having so much grief and recovery ahead.

My son is four-and-a-half years old and before the pandemic hit he was in Montessori and becoming very independent. Little by little, we’ve seen a huge regression in his behavior. Little things that he’d left behind, such as hitting, kicking, throwing, or destroying things when he’s mad, are now daily occurrences. He consistently is disrespectful of my body and daily I have to tell him multiple times that he’s not allowed to touch my breasts, but he persists with that behavior.

He will no longer wipe his own butt after using the toilet. This particular issue created a straw that broke the camel’s back this morning. For 30 minutes, I coached him with encouragement that he could do it himself, and if he needed help, I was right here and after he had a turn, I’d take a turn. He’s extremely persistent and resistant. None of that positive coaching seemed to work on him.

Finally, after a major emotional escalation for both of us, me feeling like I’m getting nowhere and needing to get back to work, I said, “You have two options: you can wipe your own butt, or I’ll do it, but then you’re going to get a smack and it’s going to hurt and you aren’t going to like it.”

What I did next is horrific. He didn’t choose to wipe his own butt, so I did it, and I slapped him too hard. I’ve never hit or spanked him before, and I don’t know why I resorted to this tactic, except that I can’t remember ever feeling so stressed in general.

My son and I are both in therapy to try to manage this time, and have been since the pandemic hit. I’m engaged in daily stress reduction activities, so I show up more resourced, but it’s apparently not enough. I don’t want it to get to this point ever again, where I feel my only option is to use physical force. I feel horrible, and I know this is incredibly damaging psychologically. I’ve apologized, but that also doesn’t feel like enough. How do I help get through this stressful time without giving him a pass on learning to be independent in the ways he’s able to be, and without resorting to negative and hurtful parenting tactics? Thank you for your help.

So I feel like she gets to the crux of the issue at the end here, where she says, “How do I help him get through this stressful time without giving him a pass on learning to be independent in the ways he’s able to be and without resorting to negative and hurtful parenting tactics?” And then in the beginning of the note, she talks about regression. I want to get to that first. I actually looked up the dictionary definition just to confirm my thoughts around this. And the first definition I saw is: “a return to a former less developed state.” And I want to assure this parent, or anyone else that has noticed that their child seems to be regressing, this is not regression.

Returning to a former, less developed state is impossible for a neurotypical young child, in that, they literally can’t go backwards and erase development. They can’t unlearn what they have learned.

Children are developing emotionally at the same time that they’re developing skills. But what happens is that children become easily overwhelmed with stress and emotion that makes it impossible for them to do things. And this is a temporary issue. It is not falling backwards. It’s more like a pause, where they need our help or they need to do it differently.

So let’s take the example of an infant learning to walk. Let’s say this infant who’s been crawling on their knees (or some people call that creeping), has taken some steps and we were excited. And they were excited that they were able to do that. But now the next day, or several days later, we see our child is on their knees again, moving around that way, crawling.

There are a number of reasons that our child is doing that, one might be that they really want to get to that toy over there or that object or that person and they get there more quickly on their hands and knees. So that’s the way they go. It’s easier for them to crawl there.

Another reason could be that our child is working on something else that day, and they’re not thinking about wanting to work on that skill. They’re working on, maybe, fine motor skills or understanding the relationship between objects. They’re working on language. They’re just not working on walking that day.

Another reason, that is more in line with what’s going on with this parent and child, is they are maybe exhausted and maybe they sense that their parent is overwhelmed and uncomfortable, unsettled. So now, as this child, I want to stay close to that parent and I don’t have the energy or motivation to be practicing skills. And I’m rattled, too, because my parent that I look to to set the tone for whether I’m safe, whether everything’s okay, is clearly not okay. I’m reading that. So now as this infant, I’m going to want to be right next to my parent, on his or her lap. I don’t want to get up and go walk, even if my parent is trying to coax me to do it. I’m just not feeling it. I’m not able to in that moment.

So this parent is describing some very upsetting, stressful situations that she’s dealing with. And even if her son didn’t have his own reactions to all the disruption of his life with the pandemic, disruption in his routines, even if he didn’t have any stress of his own around these situations, he’s totally feeling his mother’s, and he’s feeling it in every cell in his body, the way children feel their feelings. The feelings take over them. They haven’t developed that ability to easily self-regulate.

This parent makes a couple of interesting statements around this. She says her child is extremely persistent and resistant, and then later that, “He didn’t choose to wipe his own butt, so I did it and I slapped him too hard.” And she doesn’t know why she resorted to this, what she calls a tactic.

What I would like to point out to this parent is that she wasn’t making a conscious choice when she hit. This wasn’t a tactic that she sat with and reasonably decided was going to be helpful in this situation. It was an impulse that came out of her own, very understandable, frustration and overwhelm.

And just as that was not a choice, her son’s behavior that he’s showing right now, believe it or not, is not a choice. Just as this mother wouldn’t choose to do something that she feels terrible about, he is not choosing to be getting his mother so angry with him, frustrating her, being incapable. It’s not a choice.

So what I think I can help this parent with, or any other parent going through anything like this, is her perception. Because it’s her own perception of this situation that is making her so upset.

What she said about being frustrated, that it’s understandable. It is understandable because of the way that she’s perceiving her son and her role with him in these situations. She feels like she’s giving him a pass on learning to be independent if he doesn’t do these skills that she knows he can do at other times.

So she’s taken on this job that… I don’t know if she’s misunderstanding the Montessori school’s advice or if the school might be misunderstanding Maria Montessori’s teachings, which were not just about achieving skills, but also understanding the emotional state of children. Yes, they are amazingly capable. They can achieve all these surprising things when they’re feeling up to it, when they feel safe and calm enough in their home. But when they can’t, they can’t, and it’s not a failure on their part.

So I would encourage this parent to see that there’s nothing wrong going on here with her child behaving in these ways. She hasn’t failed in helping him to be independent and capable. Take that pressure off of yourself. This is a time to get through, when there’s stress. This is a time to just help him when he can’t do these things and not waste your precious energy trying to coax him and coach him and, “Come on, you can do this. You can do this.”

Because what happens there is she gets more frustrated and he gets more frustrated because he doesn’t feel understood, he doesn’t feel seen, he feels he’s doing something wrong, disappointing his mother. And all those feelings in him make it even less possible for him to wipe himself. He’s too stuck.

I would give herself a pass from being the teacher and coach that needs to get him doing things. And I would give him a pass on what he’s able to do right now.

Independence and skill building are a choice that a child makes. Our job is to hold space for it, but not try to push it and make it happen. Holding space for it means we’re going to give a moment. We’re going to see. If my child want to do this, we’re going to offer a chance, “Do you want to do this yourself? Or do you need my help?”

But when we see that they can’t, even though they’ve been doing it for months, when we see that they can’t, that they pause, then we say, “Okay, you know what? I’m going to do this.”

And then I would be ready to do it again the next time, because my child is showing me that this is an area where they’re getting stuck. They’re not regressing, they’re pausing.

So let’s talk about practical advice here for how to handle what’s going on. Meditating on a clear vision of our child and what’s happening right now is the key and the basis for everything that we do. And it does change everything, because it changes the way we feel about things. We’re not going to get as frustrated when we realize: I’m dealing with a basket case right now. I’m feeling it and he’s feeling it. And whatever I’m feeling, he’s going to be reflecting in some way. But I, as the adult, can understand this and he can’t, so this part’s up to me.

And the part that I haven’t brought up yet is where she says that he’s hitting, kicking, throwing and destroying things when he’s mad and that he’s disrespectful of her body. Daily, she has to tell him multiple times that he’s not allowed to touch her breasts.

So again, if we see this as: My child is just very impulsive right now, he’s really having a hard time containing himself and controlling himself. Even if he looks very together and conscious, he is dysregulated.  Just like this mother might’ve looked conscious when she slapped him, but it wasn’t a choice.

When we see it that way, we’re going to help him by not putting him in situations where he can easily throw and destroy things. And when we see something starting, we’re going to have a safe response. We’re going to be the safe person instead of getting mad at him for making this choice, because we realize it’s not a choice. We’re going to say, “Oh, oh. Whoa, whoa. Yeah, buddy, I can’t let you do that. You seem so frustrated, but I’ve got to stop you.” And you’re going to stop his hand right away.

So when you’re saying these things, it’s while you are physically stopping him. Ideally you’re emitting safety and calm, so you’re not adding to his overwhelm with your own feelings. And the only way to do that is for you to perceive that you’ve got a dysregulated child on your hands. And there’s a reason, there’s always a reason, and one of the main reasons is that we’re feeling upset ourselves, or we’re very stressed.

So if he’s trying to hit me, I’m going to be holding his wrist, I’m going to be stopping his hands, “Whoa, whoa, whoa. Yeah, I can’t let you do that.”

And in my mind, I’m seeing: Whoa, this guy is really feeling overwhelmed. Something big going on with him right now. I’m not seeing this as, that I’ve failed or that this is my problem, I’m interested in how I can help.

And if he’s disrespectful of my body… Again, I’m not going to waste my energy telling him multiple times not to do something as if he is making a reasonable choice in his head and thinks: Oh, my mother likes this when I grab at her or touch her. He knows very well that she doesn’t, but he’s doing it anyway. He can’t stop himself.

So, just stop him. Don’t worry that he’s regressed or doesn’t understand that it’s not okay. He does. He’s showing you that he needs help. He needs safety. And I would have my hand there right away, being safe, making as little a deal out of it as I can like, “Nope, that’s not okay, got to stop you.”

I have a period at the end of my sentence. I’m not asking him, “Can you stop? Stop! What are you doing?”

I’m confident, but I’m not emotionally charged, because that’s only going to create more problems for me the rest of the day. So don’t let his hand get anywhere near you, especially if you see him in that grabby state. You can see.

I think I bring this up a lot, but it’s important to tune into your child. Usually we can see when they’re in a state where all bets are off and they’re not going to be able to contain themselves. We can often see that. Sometimes we can’t. Sometimes they look very conscious and they’re smiling and they look very together when they’re doing these defiant-seeming things, but often we can see that their frequency is — that it’s a rocky frequency.

So I’m going to be ready. Yup, he’s going to grab at me. He’s going to do all the things that I’ve gotten angry about in the past. Because he’s in an impulsive state. So I’m ready. Bring it on. “Uh-uh buddy. Nope.” There goes the hand. “Oh, very funny. No, we’re not doing that. Nope. I’m not going to let you do that.”

Much less talk about it. In fact, very little talk about it and just more safe, protective action, but not protective as a victim: “Please stop. Don’t do this to me.” Really feeling your power here because we have a lot of power. And when we have power, we don’t have to push it. We can be on top of things.

Yeah, sometimes it’s going to get away from us and we’re not going to see it coming. And there it goes, and he grabbed me. “Wise guy. No. Uh-uh.” Comfortable. I’m comfortable because I see where this guy is. He’s not threatening to me. I’m not worried that he’s losing something and I’m losing something and I’m failing something. It’s just this temporary thing that’s going on.

And the more you can respond in the ways that I’m suggesting, the sooner it’s going to go away. Because a big part of it is that I’m reacting to it. And every time I react to it, it creates more discomfort in my child, and there’s less chance that he’s going to be able to exert some self control.

So this isn’t blaming anybody. It’s just understanding the power dynamic and how aware our children are of us, how affected they are by us.

And it’s interesting… children often, I’m going to say, seem to regress in these ways that are about caregiving. I have a lot of parents that ask about their child dressing themselves. Their child knows how to dress themselves, but there’s a new baby in the house or a toddler that’s becoming more of a person and a rival for that older child. “And suddenly my older child can’t get dressed in the morning. And I’m telling them to, and I’m asking them to, I’m talking to them about it and they still can’t do it. And I don’t want to give them a helping hand because then I’m worried that means that they’ve lost their skill.”

They haven’t lost their skill.

Just give them a helping hand, especially with caregiving. If, right away, this parent was ready with the wipe and, “Okay, let’s wipe your butt now,” her son will very soon want to do this himself. Because he’ll have gotten what he needs, which is my mom sees me, she accepts me, where I am right now, there’s nothing to be afraid of, I’m just a little overwhelmed. And sometimes I need my parent to carry me through.

And then this parent won’t be getting herself frustrated trying to get him to do something. That’s making it so much harder for both of them. The amount of energy it takes to wipe him is so much less than the coaxing and the pushing and the threatening, and then doing something that she regrets that only makes her feel worse and makes it harder for her to proceed with confidence in herself as a parent.

She can totally do this.

It’s good that she’s in therapy, but it makes sense that the stress reduction activities aren’t completely helping because she’s taking on so much here that isn’t her job: to get him to achieve skills, to get him to be back where he was before he was stressed out. If she can release that, she’s going to have a lot less stress herself.

And when she sees her child reacting to her stress this way, she can remind herself: Oh yeah, of course he’s doing this, because of how I’ve been feeling. And that doesn’t make me a bad mom or that I’m doing something wrong. It’s just important to know so that we can see clearly.

I really hope some of that helps.

And by the way, if my podcasts are helpful to you, you can help the podcast continue by giving it a positive review on iTunes. So grateful to all of you for listening! And please check out some of the other podcasts on my website, JanetLansbury.com. They’re all indexed by subject and category, so you should be able to find whatever topic you might be interested in.

And both of my books are available on audio, please check them out. Elevating Child Care, A Guide To Respectful Parenting and No Bad Kids, Toddler Discipline Without Shame. You can even get them for free from Audible by following the link in the liner notes of this podcast, or you can go to the books section of my website and find them there. You can also get them in paperback at Amazon, and in ebook at Amazon, Barnes And Noble, and apple.com.

Thanks again for listening. We can do this.

The post It’s Not Regression appeared first on Janet Lansbury.

Transcript of “Potty Struggles with a 4-Year-Old”

Hi, this is Janet Lansbury. Welcome to Unruffled. Today I’m answering an email from a parent who says that her son decided it was time to sit on the potty when he was three years old, but now a year later he’s still not able to have a bowel movement on the potty. So she’s wondering how to respectfully help him along.

Here’s the question I received:

“Hi Janet, first off thank you for your positive and encouraging parenting advice. Your books and podcasts are truly amazing. (You’re very welcome.)

My question concerns my four-year-old son. He’s very particular and very routine. He likes things to be orderly and neat but is still a fun rambunctious little guy. Potty training was particularly difficult due to his strong preference for a reliable routine. I can’t say I blame him. Change is hard. We did not rush potty training and just kept encouraging him. At three years old he decided he was ready. He’s done a great job and conquered the potty part of potty training. Here comes the issue.

A year later he still won’t poop on the potty. He has done it maybe three times total and it was awesome. We cheered and he seemed proud but now he refuses and gets so upset at the thought of pooping on the toilet. He demands a diaper. I’ve had people say just wait him out but I can’t stand the thought of him being miserable and pooping his own pants. That feels cruel to me. He’s now four and slowly edging toward boyhood. I feel bathroom topics are sensitive and I want to respectfully help him conquer his dislike of the toilet without adding to the issue. Any advice?”

Okay, so this is an interesting question that I receive some version of a lot and it reflects the importance of emotional readiness for toilet learning and how this can really be a sensitive aspect for some children. It’s so sensitive that if children feel some kind of urging from their parents or any kind of pressure around this, their bodies actually almost won’t let them release on the toilet. It affects them physically, but when they’re offered a diaper they are able to.

I realize there is a lot of advice around toilet training out there, books and experts who will tell you that you can do this in three days, that it’s up to parents to make this happen, that children need to be coerced with awards like stickers and treats and big applause when children get this right. I don’t believe in that. What those things do is affect the intrinsic desire that children have to achieve, and learning how to use the toilet is one of the biggest early achievements that children can have. It gives them great confidence in themselves, but if they feel like they’re doing it for other reasons, for parents, to please them or to get a reward, it devalues the accomplishment.

Many children see right through those things. They feel coerced. They don’t like it. It feels like pressure. Also it often doesn’t work with children who are especially sensitive and tuned in, so that’s why I recommend what it sounds like this parent is doing, which is really trusting your child’s readiness and allowing them to own this. I’ve written about this in a few articles mainly in “3 Reasons Kids Don’t Need Potty Training” which is on my website janetlansbury.com.

In this case it sounds like, according to this description the mother shared, that her son is the type that would be sensitive around this because he likes things to be orderly and neat, and that indicates that he likes to feel a sense of control. What comes out of our bodies really needs to be in our control, so it’s wonderful that this family didn’t push him at all. They allowed him to decide when he was ready.

He needed it to be like that as so many children do. But the problem started when they were so excited that he did poop on the potty. She says it was awesome and we cheered and he seemed proud. So they were excited. They cheered. They showed him their excitement and that can be enough to make this much, much harder for him. That can feel like pressure to a child like this. Obviously that was very well intentioned and the parents were caught up in their own enthusiasm and how wonderful it was, and I’m sure they didn’t realize that their child might react that way.

This reminds me of a time that my oldest daughter, who is sensitive and intense, she was at least when she was little, we went miniature golfing together. When she had younger siblings I used to have this afternoon once a week that she and I would get to go do something after school. It could be really simple like going to the park or something more extravagant like going to a miniature golf course.

So there we were, we started playing and she was doing brilliantly. She had these amazing shots and I was excited and I said, “Wow! You must be so proud that you’re doing so well.” Well then after that she wasn’t able to keep that up and she didn’t do as well. She got very down about it, and she was about six years old, so she was able to share with me that it didn’t feel good that I told her she was doing so well because that made her feel nervous about keeping that up.

So I think that’s what’s happened to this little boy. He’s sensitive to pressure and he wanted to be able to be the hero that everyone applauded for, and that made it really hard for him to do it. It went all the way to the physical level where in his body he couldn’t do it. Emotions are very powerful for all of us but especially for young children.

So what I would do about this is, first of all, I would dial back the emotional involvement that the parents have in this. I would really trust him. I would let go of this completely. You know, if they have excitement they want to share, share it with each other as parents but not with him. If he does make a positive step forward and he is able to poop on the potty again, I would just say something like, “Wow, you felt like pooping on the potty today,” not making a big to-do about it, allowing it again to be inner directed, allowing it to be his intrinsic desire, and for him to be completely own what he is doing.

I realize that’s hard, and this is true for a lot of other areas with children as well. When they’re doing any kind of skill, it’s so hard to temper our enthusiasm because we love them and we’re excited for them. This is a good example of how important it is to be a little careful about that.

So when she says now he refuses, I wouldn’t put him in the position of even refusing. I wouldn’t even ask him or suggest that he does it. I would let him know that diapers are ready whenever he needs them and you’re totally down for giving those to him if you want him to be comfortable.

And regarding where you all stand in this process, I would say something to him like, “I know we’ve been talking to you about going on the potty and pooping on the potty. We’ve been encouraging you. You know what we realized? We trust you to do this when you’re ready. We know you’re going to do it when that time comes and you’ll let us know when you want to do it, so we’re going to stop bugging you about it completely.” And then I would really and truly let it go so that he feels the emotional space to take this big step.

This mother says she’s worried about him being miserable. That’s one of those things that we really can’t control. We can’t control his own feelings about his process if he is miserable, or maybe he’s a little miserable because he feels like he’s letting the parents down. Taking that out of the equation is so important. But also allowing him to feel the struggle in this journey, allowing that to be his to experience it and not worrying about that, that it’s something we have to fix. What we have control over is not adding to it with our own agenda and our own excitement and concern and worry. We have to get off the rollercoaster ourselves.

And so it makes sense that she feels bathroom topics are sensitive. Yes, I feel this is sensitive for him because it feels like a big failure. It feels like he really let people down and disappointed his parents. She says, “I want to respectfully help him conquer his dislike of the toilet.” So that is not something that these parents have the power to do. In fact, their involvement I believe will make it harder for him, so letting go of that, really trusting him. He’s going to conquer it, but he’s going to do it himself without his parents pressuring him around it in any way, even in the most positive way.

Parenting is a sequence of letting go, letting go and trusting, letting go and trusting that he can do this. So she says without adding to the issue she wants to help him conquer his dislike and, yes, if she gets involved in helping him in any way or even trying to encourage him, that could add to the issue so that’s what I would be very careful of.

And as I said before, this is a common issue and it can continue. I know families where it’s continued and continued into age six even. So we don’t want that for him if possible. I understand the challenge, believe me, of letting go but we have to let go for him to be able to physically and literally let go. It’s that simple. I hope that makes sense and I hope that helps.

Please checkout some of my other podcasts at janetlansbury.com. website. They’re all indexed by subject and category so you should be able to find whatever topic you’re interested in. And remember I have books on audio at Audible.com, No Bad Kids, Toddler Discipline Without Shame and Elevating Child Care, A Guide To Respectful Parenting. You can also get them in paperback at Amazon and an ebook at Amazon, Barnes and Noble, and Apple.com.

Also I have an exclusive audio series, Sessions. There are five individual recordings of consultations I’ve had with parents where they agree to be recorded and we discuss all their parenting issues. We have a back and forth that for me is very helpful in exploring their topics and finding solutions. These are available by going to sessionsaudio.com and you can read a description of each episode and order them individually or get them all about three hours of audio for just under $20.

Thanks for listening. We can do this.

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Transcript of “Intense Difficulties with a Child’s Defiance and Resistance”

Hi, this is Janet Lansbury and welcome to Unruffled. In this episode I’m going to be responding to a letter from a mother. She’s a single mother, and she describes her relationship with her nearly four-year-old as close and respectful, yet she and her daughter seem to be in conflict much of the time and her daughter is saying “no” to everything.

Before I begin, I want to remind everybody that both of my books are available, No Bad Kids, Toddler Discipline Without Shame, and Elevating Child Care, A Guide to Respectful Parenting. They’re both in audio and Audible.com and in paperback at Amazon and in e-book at Amazon, Barnes and Noble, and Apple.com.

Dear Janet,

I read your blog and your posts and each time I read them, they make perfect sense and I say yes, I will do that. I can be a better mom, more patient, more available, more tolerant, but the truth is I find myself in conflict with my daughter and it now feels as if it is on a daily basis. My daughter is strong-willed and currently says no to everything I request. She starts school in September. I feel our relationship which is very close is deteriorating. She won’t go to the toilet, will pee in her pants instead. She won’t hold my hand across the road. She won’t sit at the dinner table, she will crawl underneath it. She won’t walk with me, she will run off. When on holiday, she did this over and over. She won’t go to bed. She won’t dress or undress herself. She won’t go to the toilet without me.

The above are just a fraction of the won’ts and no’s and they are expressed vehemently and often with much screaming, crying, shouting, rolling on the ground, hitting, spitting, kicking, and biting. I was hit in the face five times at a fair on Saturday because I said, “Look, there’s your friend Amore,” and when she couldn’t see her, I pointed again. She turned around and repeatedly hit me in the face. My response was to hold her hand and say, “I can’t let you hit me.” Then asked her why she had hit me. She told me it was because she wanted to have a book.

These random unconnected reasons are always offered up. The bouncy castle incident consisted of me being asked to remove my daughter from the castle. I repeatedly asked her to come off but was unable to carry her due to back problems. She ignored me and ran off until eventually she lay face down on the bouncy castle and spat on it. I managed to pull her towards me and hold her on my lap while she writhed and screamed and spat. She then refused to come home with me. She screamed on the bus journey home and I eventually put her to bed at 5:00 PM as it was me who could no longer cope with the massive emotions, tantrums, and defiance.

I am a single mum. I work hard and I have no family or support network around me. How do I cope with these outbursts and the defiance in situations that could essentially be dangerous? How do I keep her safe? How do I get to work on time when she refuses to dress herself and refuses to have me dress her? How do I get her to eat at the table? How do I get her in the bath in the evening without the situation degenerating into a screaming, crying, spitting half-naked child writhing around the bathroom floor? What are the tactics for moving these situations in the correct direction when a child is defiant of everything? Yes, I am aware that by correct, I mean suitable to my timeline and responsibilities.

Staying unruffled doesn’t change things. Getting annoyed doesn’t change things. What will change this? How do I proceed and keep our trust and bond and keep respect in the relationship, and keep my sanity? Any advice is welcome. Many thanks in advance.

Okay, now at a first glance, this looked like too much for a podcast, but then I realized that the issues this mother is having actually all come under one heading. There’s a big theme going on here and that is that her daughter is screaming out for more leadership from her mother. She’s not getting the sense of her mother’s being in control of these situations that she needs to feel secure. I think the point that is made about her going to school in September, that may be why these behaviors have sort of escalated recently.

I think this probably indicates that there’s been a chronic sort of misunderstanding by this mother about where she’s and how she’s supposed to be the leader for her daughter. I think that the anticipation around going to school, that’s a common one that gets children anxious, a little stressed. Even if they’re excited about something and not at all afraid about it, that anticipation is very uncomfortable for children and it will show up in their behavior.

She needs to be able to writhe around on the floor, screaming and crying, and spitting, I would not let that be at you but if she wants to spit somewhere safe, that’s fine too. She needs to know that you have a handle on your job, which is again to be her leader. Now let’s talk about the specifics, and how that’s going to look.

“She won’t go to the toilet, will pee in her pants instead.” Okay, we do not control children being able to go on the toilet. That is our child’s responsibility. What we do control, what we need to control is their readiness for being out of diapers, and she’s showing you that for whatever reason right now she can’t handle this responsibility. She’s using this, possibly, as a testing ground and it’s not working, so I would very kindly and very comfortably let her know that you’ve noticed that she’s having a hard time using the potty these days and so you’re going to help her by having her wear pull- ups or diapers.

And calmly insisting on that, not asking her is it okay or worrying that somehow you’re going to interfere with her ability to go on the toilet. That’s simply not true. You’re allowing this to be some kind of power struggle that’s somehow on you to make sure she goes to the bathroom, and that isn’t on you, that’s on her. Later you say she won’t go to the toilet without you. She’s letting you know, she needs more help right now and help is keeping her secure in diapers and taking this off your plate as a responsibility.

“She won’t hold my hand across the road.” This is our job to hold her hand. It doesn’t matter if she doesn’t want to hold your hand, you have to be the one to firmly hold her hand. Do that right away when you’re walking out the door, when you’re in any situation that she might generally want to test or you’re trying to get her to leave a situation, immediately take her hand. Don’t wait for her to want to hold hands, she needs you to be in charge of this. As most children do. They will go through some phase where they really need us to be the ones to decide that.

If she wants to scream at you for holding her hand, if she wants to try to flop down, just stay calm, hold her hand, feel good about being her leader there. Feel comfortable with her showing you her struggle in that situation because, again, those are the feelings that she needs to share with you in a safe way. Safe way, meaning I’m not overwhelmed by these, I’m really okay with you going to these places.

This may be her fear around starting something new in the fall, it may be her just feelings of “help, please show me that I … It’s been so scary not to have a leader here and to feel like I have so much power and so much control over everything.” Those kinds of feelings will be released, or it might be “you were at work all day and whoever I was with,” you don’t say who she’s with when you’re at work, but “whoever I was with, ahh, I needed you and so I’m going to show you this side of me, this painful side of me.” It’s all positive.

“She won’t sit at the dinner table.” Well, this is sort of similar to going on the toilet in that it’s not up to us to get our children to eat and sit and eat dinner. What is our responsibility is to make sure that we are clear about our expectations. “It’s going to be dinnertime in a few minutes and this is what I’m making and I’ll be offering it and if you want to come sit down, you can have dinner. We’re not going to be having food later after that, but whatever you decide is up to you. I’ll be sitting there.”

If she decides not to come, she wants to go under the table, let her go under the table. That’s not going to hurt anything. I mean, I wouldn’t let her pull on your legs and all that, I would calmly like take her hand off your leg and make sure she doesn’t do that, but let her miss her dinner. I think this is another area that has become a power struggle and it’s not a healthy place for that to happen.

I mean, all of these power struggles she needs you to override, and one way to override this is … The best way is to really … It’s her responsibility if she wants to eat, your responsibility is that you’re offering food for a certain little window of time and you’re going to stick with that, but if she doesn’t come, you give her a few minutes, if she doesn’t come, then you put it away.

If you feel like she’s desperately hungry at the end of the day, I would be the one to offer her a snack rather than having her ask for it. I think it’d be better if you feel like you really needed to do that that you were the one to say, “Oh, by the way, I’m going to offer you a little snack before bedtime if you’d like to come to sit down and have it.”

Very comfortable, not worried that she’s not going to eat enough and that somehow you’ve taken this on as your responsibility. You’re not unusual, this is very common that we feel like we’ve got to get our child to eat and it’s impossible because with a strong-willed toddler like her, she is going to use that as a testing ground because she really needs you to be comfortable in your role.

“She won’t go to bed.” Well, I thought it was interesting because in your story later you say that you had her go to bed at 5:00 PM. I think that day it sounded like she was really tired and probably overtired and couldn’t handle that stimulation of that fair or whatever it was, and that was probably a good idea, but I wonder how you did it there. There must have been something very final in your approach, helping her to bed at 5:00 PM and that’s what helping a child go to bed requires. It requires us to feel really sure of ourselves, really confident that our job is done with that child, it’s now rest time.

Communicating that through our body language, through our tone, through our comfort with them, saying, “No, no, no, I don’t want to go to bed now.”

“You don’t want to go to bed now, but it’s actually time and I’m done. Goodnight. I adore you. I’ll see you in the morning.”

So, however you got her to bed at 5:00 PM, whatever was going through you. I know you were angry then and frustrated probably, that doesn’t help, but that finality of, “I’m done,” so if you could get to that place without being at the end of your rope, that would be very helpful.

“She won’t dress or undress herself.” This is where confident momentum really helps, which is different from rushing. It doesn’t mean we rush, it just means you’re going to expect that in transitions … I mean, first of all, children in these early years are in this giant overall transition of growth. It’s rapid, rapid development. You know, they grow more, develop more in the first three years than in the whole rest of their lives put together.

They’re in a giant transition, she’s in this other transition where she knows she’s going to have this big change in the fall, there may be other things going on as well, so that is going to show up, but difficult behavior is going to show up in all these other smaller transitions during the day. Those become even harder when children are dealing with these larger transitions, so be ready for that. That’s normal for a child to say, “I don’t want to get dressed. I don’t want to leave the park. I don’t want to do all these things.”

Be ready for her to resist, come into the situation ready to be calmly physical with her, gently, calmly, upbeat. Don’t wait for this big gap of struggle to grow by saying, “Can you get dressed now? Oh, you’re not getting dressed.”

I would say very calmly, “Alright, here’s your clothes. You know what you want to wear today? Do you want to wear this or this?” Or however you do that part and then, “Okay, can you do it yourself or do you want my help?”

She does neither. She says nothing. Then you say, “Okay, I think that’s showing me you want my help so I’m going to help you.”

This parent expressed later that she has physical issues that make it hard for her to lift her child and that’s when confident momentum is even more important because if you come in early with confidence knowing that this is normal stuff, that it’s okay, you’re not doing anything wrong by having a resistant child, it’s really par for the course. You’ll be able to do less physically because you’re coming in with confidence, which is what she wants.

She just wants … “Mom, I need you to help me. I’m stuck and I need you to show me. I need you to demonstrate that you are my confident leader so I don’t have to keep going further and further in my behavior to get your attention, get your leadership, and then get you to the point where you’re upset.”

None of that will help, so being ready right away, as you’re talking to her, as you’re explaining or asking her to do something, you’re already in there ready to physically move her or help her. “Let’s put this shoe on first, I’m going to help you put this over your head, here we go.”

She might need a little helping hand with dressing right now because she’s having a hard time for whatever reason.

Then this mother says she was hit in the face five times at a fair on Saturday. Ideally, that would only happen once. That child would lash out and then we’d be ready to stop it. Yes, she doesn’t have a good reason for things because she really doesn’t know why she’s acting this way and that again, as I think I’ve said a number of times in these podcasts is that’s the definition of impulsive behavior for children. It’s not ‘I thought it was okay to hit you in the face’, it’s not coming from that, it’s coming from ‘I know I’m doing something crazy here, I don’t know what’s making me do this’.

Again, the reasons are ‘just please show me you’re a leader. I’m feeling uncomfortable about this big transition that’s going to happen.’ The impulse is larger than the child and it’s like it’s not reasonable, so no, she doesn’t know why…  and, “Wanted to have a book?” I don’t know. Yeah, that’s as good as answer as any for her.

Don’t wait for her to stop and say, “Please stop hitting me,” or anything like that. Really have your hand up there, your elbow up there, your arm up there, grabbing her wrist if you need to, but just like whoa, whoa, that made you feel like hitting. Later you might figure out … You might remember or you might understand what was going on there. Maybe she was overstimulated and overtired, but in the moment trust that there’s a reason and stop her. It’s okay that she wants to hit, you’re not going to let her hit.

Then the bouncy castle incident, if this is after she hit you in the face, I’d be seriously questioning whether she could handle being there, if this was even a good idea to stay there, but as soon as you see any kind of funny stuff going on with her in that bouncy castle, you go in immediately and say, “I want you to come out now. It looks like you can’t handle being in there.” Then do the least thing you can do to get her out. You don’t have to pick her all the way up, you can hold onto her arms on the side and her shoulders, and just usher her out.

There’s usually less that we can do physically but we have to have that confident momentum. Then when she managed to pull her towards her, she writhed and screamed and spat, so yes, there’s the I’m falling apart, please help me, child there. I know, it’s really hard not to take this stuff personally and wonder like how our child turned into a beast and things like that but again, there’s always a reason and children are easily, easily overwhelmed.

Four-year-olds just as much as two-year-olds. This is a tough age for … It’s a lot of growth going on and more reaching towards independence and a lot of push/pull. She then refused to come home. She screamed on the bus journey. That’s unfortunate because there’s not a lot you can do about that, but again, I think I would try to see this coming. When she starts hitting you, I would take that as a sign. Hm, you know, she’s not in a good place for this right now. She’s not going to be able to handle this.

The way to cope with all of this, it’s sort of like we have this nest that we give children and if they feel like there’s big holes here and there, then they need to keep reaching for those holes, showing us that we’re not giving them our leadership in those places. And all of these things work together, that once we do, we’ll kind of get that hole organized like the way you’re handling meal time, and then she’ll say, “Okay, what about this hole and what about that. Are you still going to have these when you’re tired and you just came home from work? Are you going to be able to do this?”

It’s got to be overall so that she can feel, ” Ah, I have a safe nest and I can be a basket case in this safe nest when I need to.”

You can do this. Hopefully, it’s all going to be in your perspective, just looking at this differently, looking at your role differently, knowing that coming in with confident momentum is extremely important to all these situations. Coming in early to stop her. Don’t expect that you’re going to be able to ask her to do something and she’s going to do it. She’s showing you right now that she’s not, so believe that and be ready for her not to do it and that you’re going to usher her along and help her.

It’s a very tough situation being a single mom and working and not having the support. One thing that I think will help you is to understand that the time that you have with her, like with all of us, we share our worst with the people that are closest to us, we need to feel safe to share our worst with them, be at our worst, and that is a very, very loving way to be with her at this point in her life, when she’s showing you she needs it.

So, when you come home from work and you want everything to be nice and fun and sweet connecting time together, remind yourself that she’s going to show you what she needs. It’s a different kind of love, but you can definitely do this. It’s in you, it’s in all of us, and you will see how loving this is when you stop taking it personally, when you stop worrying that you’ve got a mess on your hands. You’ve got a normal strong-willed girl on your hands and there are many blessings in this as you know.

So, don’t be afraid of her feelings. They’re really healthy for her to share. I’ve written a lot about these kinds of dynamics in my articles, on JanetLansbury.com, and in my book, No Bad Kids, Toddler Discipline Without Shame, and of course, my other podcasts.

Thank you so much for listening. We can do this.

The post Intense Difficulties with a Child’s Defiance and Resistance appeared first on Janet Lansbury.

The post Toilet Training Isn’t Working appeared first on Janet Lansbury.

Children don’t need adults to train them to use the toilet. They do need attuned, communicative parents and caregivers to support and facilitate the toilet learning process, a process that is individual to each child.

These are the 3 main reasons I don’t recommend adult-led toilet training:

It’s unnecessary
I have no recollection of my younger two children learning to use the toilet. I vaguely remember the beginning of this process with my first child, but only because I was flabbergasted when she initiated an interest at 18 months and had completed the process by two years old.

My experiences illustrate the normal, natural, ho-hum process that successful toilet learning can be when parents don’t invest in it. Hundreds of parents I’ve worked with over the years have reported similar experiences.

This begs the question: why would we add toilet training to our already overloaded job description when doing less works just as well, if not better? Why risk the headaches, power struggles and resistance, frustrations and failures? Why be a taskmaster when we can relax, enjoy, and take pride in supporting our child’s self-directed achievement?

It’s risky
Toddlers have a developmentally appropriate need to resist parents, and if parents have an agenda around toilet training, healthy toddlers are inclined to push back, even if they might have been otherwise ready to begin using the toilet.

Child specialist Magda Gerber noted three types of readiness children need for toilet learning:

1. Physical:  there is bladder and bowel capacity and muscle control.

2. Cognitive: children know when they need to eliminate urine and feces and are fully aware of what they are supposed to do.

3. Emotional:  children are ready to let go of a situation they are used to and comfortable with (urinating and releasing feces into a diaper whenever they feel like it), and also let go, literally, of these waste products, which they perceive as belonging to them.

The emotional readiness factor usually comes last, is the most fragile, and also the most powerful. Bright, sensitive, aware toddlers can readily perceive a parent’s agenda. For some, the subtlest nudge toward the potty or being diaper-free can cause holding of urine or feces, delay toilet learning for months or even years, make toddlers feel ashamed, lead to severe constipation.

In this video, mother of twins Suzanne Schlosberg shares her cautionary tale about adult-led toilet training:

In It’s No Accident, the book Schlosberg coauthored with pediatric urologist Steve Hodges, parents are urged to slow down toilet training and informed that constipation — caused mostly by early/rushed potty training and poor diet -– is the root cause of virtually all bedwetting, toileting accidents, and recurrent UTIs. Schlosberg and Hodges also created this infographic (available as a free download) to increase awareness about constipation:

According to Schlosberg, “Most parents don’t know the signs of constipation (assuming it means “infrequent pooping”), it goes unrecognized, and kids suffer.”

I’ve learned over the years working with parents that toilet learning is nothing to mess with. I even cringe when parents tell me they’re “working on it,” because I’ve seen this attitude lead to problems all too often.

Granted, I hear mostly from the parents who are struggling and anxious. There must be many for whom toilet training techniques work. Why else would there be such a proliferation of toilet training books and products? Hmmm… marketers wouldn’t try to convince consumers they need something they really don’t, would they?

Kids deserve to own this accomplishment
There isn’t a long list of accomplishments toddlers can achieve. But they can do this, so I see no reason not to let them master this skill. There is no more powerful, confidence-building affirmation for toddlers than “I can do it myself.”

Toilet learning happens naturally and easily when we:

Invite children to actively participate in bathing, diaper changes, and other self-care routines from the time they are born. We invite active participation by communicating each detail respectfully: “I’m going to lift your bottom now so that I can wipe you. Can you help me lift?” Be careful not to transmit negative messages about body parts or feces and urine (“stinky, dirty”, etc.).

Model toilet use. Children naturally wish to do what parents and older siblings do.

Never force or even coax children to use the potty, but give clear  behavior boundaries in general so that children aren’t tempted to use toilet learning as a testing ground. This sensitive and complex area of development needs to remain free and clear of power struggles.

Make a potty available. Some children like a small potty that allows their feet to reach the floor, while others prefer a seat that fits into the regular toilet.

Observe. Become a practiced observer. When children seem to be signaling an urge to eliminate (by touching their diapers, pressing their thighs togethers, etc.), ask matter-of-factly if they would like to use the potty. Calmly accept no for an answer.

Offer the choice of diapers or underwear when you sense children might be ready for toilet learning, always fully accepting their choice to stay in diapers.

Trust, trust, trust. As Magda Gerber advises in Your Self-Confident Baby, “Learning to use the toilet is a process that takes time. Rather than push or manipulate your child by giving him treats such as candy or a special reward for something that he will learn on his own, trust that he will learn it when he is ready. Respect is based on trust.”

For more support, here’s a podcast I recorded in response to a parent struggling with toilet training:

 ***
I share more about this respectful approach in

Elevating Child Care: A Guide to Respectful Parenting

 Recommended reading:

Toilet Learning Made Easy by Lisa Sunbury, Regarding Baby

A Doctor Responds: Don’t Potty Train Your Baby by Steve J.  Hodges, M.D.

It’s No Accident: Breakthrough Solutions to Your Child’s Wetting, Constipation, Utis, And Other Potty Problems by Steve Hodges, M.D. and Suzanne Schlosberg

In the Toilet and Toilet Troubles (on this blog)

(Photo by Russ on Flickr)

The post 3 Reasons Kids Don’t Need Toilet Training (And What To Do Instead) appeared first on Janet Lansbury.

Like most parents, I’ve had my worries. For instance, despite my commitment to natural motor development, I worried that my first baby would never learn to walk. Both she and her younger sister were perfectly satisfied exploring on their hands and knees into their 16th month.

When my children were toddlers, it was sometimes hard to believe they would naturally develop the ability to greet people politely or say “thank you” without my nudging. I wondered if my mentor, infant specialist Magda Gerber, could really be right when she assured us that modeling good manners and values would be enough.

I’ve also worried about my kids’ food choices, like my highly active son’s passion for sweets, and the periods he didn’t seem to eat much of anything other than fruit. I was dismayed when my oldest, who was always an ardent bread-eater, decided to go vegetarian as a teen, since in her mind vegetarian meant cheese pizza, pasta, even more bread and nary a vegetable in sight. Would she ever crave vitamin-rich foods?

Yet my training with Magda had taught me that if there was one reliable catch-all, go-to word to get me through the worried speculation and second guessing of parenthood: trust.

Trust, whenever and wherever it’s possible, reasonable and age-appropriate, is one of the most profound gifts we can give our children. Through trust we offer children opportunities to fully own their achievements and internalize the validating message: “I did it!” This, as opposed to the far less self-affirming one: “Finally, I did what my parents have been wanting me to do!” Believe me, children know the difference.

Trust is also a gift for parents, because it means we don’t waste our energy trying to urge development forward or “fix” issues that are usually best resolved by providing children with a nurturing environment and leaving the rest up to them. Attempting to force development before a child is ready sets us both up for unnecessary frustration and failure. We all know the expression, “you can lead a horse to water, but…”

Here are a few of my positive experiences with trust and some of the elements I believe need to be in place to ensure optimum child-initiated development:

Motor skill development

This is one of the more obvious developmental areas we can trust our children to self-initiate from day one, and I’ve written extensively about it. We can trust typical children to develop motor skills naturally if we provide:

1. A safe space for free play
2. Freedom of movement
3. Uninterrupted floor time
4. Responsiveness, but not interference. “Spotting” for safety when needed.

Toilet Learning

I have three children, one boy and two girls, and their personalities could not be more different. None was “toilet trained”. Toilet learning was a natural process that they self-directed with our support and without tension or struggle (or tricks, treats, cheering and parades) involved. I know my three kids aren’t enough for a scientific sampling, but it’s my belief that toilet learning can be an almost effortless process provided we:

1. Pay full attention to children during diaper changes and invite them to actively participate in all self-care activities.
2. Communicate to them respectfully about their bodies and bodily functions
3. Make a child-sized potty available for experimentation, while letting go of any agendas surrounding its use (very important!).
4. Familiarize children with the process by modeling toilet use and/or reading books about going potty. Here’s a funny one we enjoyed (that is unfortunately out of print!): Stop and Go Potty
5. Give children the behavior boundaries they need, which definitely doesn’t mean ever insisting they use the potty. If possible, always allow children the choice of a diaper. Children most commonly react to our pressure by subtly (or not so subtly) firmly putting the brakes on this process.

• Do kindly insist that children wear diapers when they’ve demonstrated that they aren’t ready for potty learning. You might say something like, “I want to help you stay comfortable and not worry, and I can’t let you keep peeing on the floor.”
• Do make sure children have clear, consistent boundaries generally, or they will be inclined to turn toilet learning into a testing ground.

6. Understand that this process can be different for every child. It might take a year or more for a child to complete. It might happen in fits and starts (so keep diapers around long after you think you’ll need them). Children need the freedom to develop this lifelong skill on their schedule, and they gain confidence from fully owning this accomplishment.

Manners

As Magda Gerber said (or perhaps warned), “What we teach is ourselves.” The lessons children learn through our behavior trump all else we aim to teach. Children need us to prevent them from hurting themselves, their peers and us, but otherwise they learn the manners we expect by observing and listening.

As I mentioned previously, I was a bit concerned about my kids remembering to say “thank you” when others expected it, and I would occasionally quietly remind them, perhaps more often than I needed to. I’ve been pleasantly surprised by their graciousness. I’ll never forget my oldest daughter’s sincere and unexpected “thank you” to her friends and their parents after each gift she unwrapped on her 3^rd birthday.

Another concern I’d had was that even in their early teens, both my daughters were uncomfortable engaging with adults they didn’t know well. But by the time each was 15, this discomfort magically lifted and was replaced with genuine enjoyment.

1. Model, model, model
2. Forcing children to greet or hug people or say “thank you” or “I’m sorry”, shaming them for being “shy” or “rude” will only make children less confident in these social situations.
3. Trust, trust, trust

Getting beyond one-note food choices

My white-bread teenage daughter? She’s now red meat, dairy and gluten-free, loves quinoa and squash, and never meets a green vegetable she doesn’t like. She’ll try anything new and eats things she wouldn’t go anywhere near as a teen, and I’m hoping my 17 year old middle daughter will soon begin to broaden her tastes as well (she’s been narrowing them since adolescence like her sister did).

My sweet-toothed son? Still has an insane amount of focused positive energy and excels in school and athletics. Maybe when he hits puberty he’ll start eating more. I believe we can trust children to eat what they need, provided we:

1. Offer a selection of healthy options and then let go of our expectations and agendas

2. Keep mealtimes peaceful, never tense, emotional, or a battleground

3. Keep our sense of humor about one-note choices. They pass. (Russell Hoban wrote one of my favorite children’s books about that: Bread and Jam for Frances)

Emotional regulation

I know that emotional regulation is a topic that worries parents, because whenever I post articles about accepting our children’s negative feelings (and I actually don’t believe there are “negative” feelings), I get feedback like this: “Shouldn’t we be teaching children to control their emotions, so they don’t grow up thinking they can have a tantrum when they don’t get what they want?” I wholeheartedly agree with clinical psychologist Kenneth Barish’s perspective, because this has been my experience, too:

… Children most effectively learn to regulate their emotions when they are confident that their feelings will be heard. When a child expects that her feelings and concerns will be appreciated and understood, her emotions become less urgent. Because each disappointment and frustration now feels less painful, less “catastrophic,” she will be less insistent in her demands and more open and flexible in seeking solutions to problems. She will less often get stuck in attitudes of blaming, argument and denial. She will be more able to feel empathy and concern for others, and to take responsibility for her actions.

We therefore need to set aside time, every day, to listen to a child’s concerns. Of course, we cannot listen patiently — or listen well — when we are tired or hurried; when we are burdened or preoccupied; or when, at that moment, we are just too angry. Over time, in healthy development, children come to understand this.

In these conversations, children begin to learn that their bad feelings, although painful, will not last forever — that through their own efforts or with the help of supportive adults, they can make things better. This may be the most important lesson we can teach, the lesson that is most essential to our children’s present and future emotional health.

1. Listen
2. Understand
3. Trust

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There’s much more about the power of TRUST — and how to balance that trust with our respectful boundaries — in my brand new No Bad Kids Master Course. I created this course to give you all the tools and perspective you need to not only understand  and respond effectively to your children’s behavior but also build positive, respectful, relationships with them for life! Check out all the details at nobadkidscourse.com.

(Photo by Alfredo Mendez on Flickr)

The post They’ll Grow Into It – Trusting Children to Develop Manners, Toilet Skills, Emotional Regulation and More appeared first on Janet Lansbury.

It looks like I may have prematurely introduced my 2 1/2 year old to toilet training. I made a little potty available (and started reading him the book “A Potty for Me!” by Karen Katz) at about 18 months. He showed interest and went before bath time every night for about a month and then lost interest, so I let it go.

Now he recently showed signs of noticing when he peed in his diaper, so I said we would go to the store and buy some “big boy” underwear and start using the toilet. This is where I seem to have made it my agenda instead of waiting for him to ask. I guess my biggest fear was that — since he’s still pretty non-verbal — he wouldn’t tell me without me asking.

His body seems ready as he’ll go on cue when I tell him it’s time and ask him which toilet he would like to use (no BM in the toilet yet though), and he loves wearing his underwear, but he’s definitely not asking to go on his own.

Now, in the last day or two, he has started resisting using the toilet. I also make it a requirement to wash hands after using the toilet (which he can do on his own), and he has recently been refusing that as well, so I wonder if that has been playing into the situation at all. It’s like using the toilet is fine or washing his hands is fine, but having to do both is just too much work, and he’d rather have his diaper changed…

So is the gist at this point to stop asking him if he wants to wear a diaper or underwear and put him in diapers until he asks for underwear or the potty? He does ask for the underwear (“I want raaaaar!”, as they are pirate underwear), but he doesn’t want to do the process of using the toilet in order to use the underwear…after reading all of these posts I am still needing some clarity from your perspective if you wouldn’t mind…

All my best,
Amanda

Hi Amanda,

Yes, you are absolutely right about your boy resisting your agenda, which is a very healthy thing to do when you are two and a half — and this is why toilet learning can be such a delicate process. It sounds like he’s ready in every area except emotionally, the area we influence most.

When we have an agenda, especially when it’s about something our toddler controls (like his bodily functions), he can’t help but want to push back. So, our best solution is to let go of our plan whenever possible and, instead, patiently follow our child’s lead (while also giving the comfort of boundaries, like not allowing our child to urinate all over the house).

What happens when he needs a BM and isn’t wearing diapers? This can be problematic, because some children will “hold” and begin a vicious cycle of constipation. The constipation creates painful BMs, which then leads to more holding and more serious constipation.

I would keep your boy in diapers for now, but definitely make it clear that it is not for punitive reasons. The diapers are to help him feel secure while he is in this transition, and that’s what I would tell him.

“I hear you wanting to wear the underwear. I think you might be ready soon. When you are ready to wear the underwear, use the potty and wash hands, please tell me and we’ll make the switch together. In the meantime, I want you to be as comfortable as possible, so we’re going to use the diapers.” Then drop it completely.

You might also consider finding an easier way to wash his hands…a wet wash cloth, something that you could do to assist him. Better yet, give him a choice: “Do you want to wash your hands under the water or with the wash cloth? Would you like my help?” These choices give him more autonomy and also allow him to choose a little bit of the nurturing he receives during diaper changes.

The problem with “big boys” is that they don’t get as much hands-on care as “little boys” or “babies” do. Being a big boy or big girl — growing up — isn’t all it’s cracked up to be (which I can certainly attest to after just celebrating a “very big girl” birthday). There are gains, but also losses. Not living up to being a “big boy” can be cause for shame, though I know you don’t mean it to be. I would avoid those terms altogether.

Since you are so aware and insightful, I’m sure this situation will resolve itself soon. Please give me an update…

Warmly,
Janet

I share more on toilet learning in 3 Reasons Kids Don’t Need Toilet Training (And What To Do Instead) and also recommend Toilet Learning Made Easy by Lisa Sunbury, Regarding Baby

(Photo by emerille on Flickr)

The post Toilet Troubles appeared first on Janet Lansbury.