Transcript of “Praise That Encourages Intrinsic Motivation”

Hi, this is Janet Lansbury. Welcome to Unruffled.

Today I’m going to be talking about praise. It’s an interesting topic. It can be confusing because there’s a lot of different advice out there. A lot of it is these really strict do’s and don’ts: don’t say these certain words, don’t do it this certain way. And a lot of those don’ts are actually against our instincts, so that makes it doubly hard to navigate. One thing my mentor Magda Gerber always said is, children don’t need big hooplas. And she recommended that we acknowledge, rather than praise. One thing I loved about Magda was she was all about clarity and simplicity, she didn’t use complicated terms. But she was very exacting in the words she used to communicate; maybe that’s because her original degree was in linguistics.

If we think about it, acknowledge, that’s something that we do that’s really about noticing what our child is doing, noticing what they’re accomplishing. So they have ownership, and we’re just the ones noticing. With praise, we’re more subjective. It’s more about us imbuing what we see—our child’s accomplishment, their activity—with certain qualities. We are giving it a certain value. So it’s more about us than just acknowledging is. Which isn’t to say that we should only ever acknowledge and never, ever praise. Children need a little of both, I think. They want to know what we think sometimes. And one way to be able to discern that for ourselves is to wait for them to ask us what we think, look up at us for that acknowledgement.

But I can understand why Magda emphasized acknowledging over praising. Because she put such a high value—and so do I, I’ve learned the value of it and that it’s really possible for us to nurture it—on intrinsic motivation. And it’s kind of a delicate thing, intrinsic motivation. We can, without meaning to, sort of take that away from our child and make it more about them pleasing others, like us. So we just want to be a little more careful with praise, that’s all. That we’re encouraging our child to still have ownership and not subtly taking that away from them.

Hari Grebler, my friend and associate and my first RIE teacher, she was a recent guest on this podcast in an episode called Every Child, Even a Tiny Baby, Needs Time On Their Own. She has an Instagram page that I love, Hari’s RIE Studio. And she did a post recently, it was just a little video clip, and this was the message on it: It’s okay to be quiet while children are creating. Wow, that’s something kind of surprising to a lot of us. That frees us, right? We don’t have to say something to encourage them. We can just be quiet and honor what they’re doing.

And then she said: When they show you one of their creations, you could ask how they thought to do that. So when they’re asking for feedback, when they’re showing something to us and sharing it with us, then we’re interested in where that came from in them. What made you want to make that? We’re still encouraging the intrinsic desire to make that, instead of labeling it with some kind of praise or qualification of our own. And what that also does is encourages our child to stay in touch with that creative part of them. We’re showing that we value that by asking about it, we’re interested.

Hari also notes: They can get hooked on our oohs and ahs. And why do we ooh and ah sometimes? Because we feel like we’re supposed to, we’re supposed to say something! They’re going to feel discouraged if we don’t talk about what they’re doing, right? That’s a fear that a lot of us have, but it’s not the truth.

The next thing she says: Don’t interrupt them. When children are creating something, just the way that we create or focus on an activity, focus on a skill, we’re in it. And we want to encourage children to be in that flow of what they’re doing. So when we go, Ooh, ah, we’re interrupting that, which makes it a little harder for them to have that longer attention span. They can become accustomed to being interrupted. One of my most popular early posts I wrote is called Baby, Interrupted, and it’s all about that.

Then she says: Never (and I don’t hear a lot of “nevers” coming from her!) never ask them what it is. So, why wouldn’t we want to ask a child what it is? We do want to ask them what it is sometimes, right? Because we’re seeing from this product mentality that we tend to have as adults: You must have been trying to make a thing here. But children, they’re in the process and they’re interested in what it feels like to be painting on this piece of paper, what the brush is doing, what the colors are doing, or whatever they’re working on. They’re interested in what’s going on moment to moment and—especially very young children—they’re not trying to make a finished product. They’re not trying to make something, they’re just making. And they’re into the making of it, openly exploring. All qualities that we want to encourage, right? So it can be counterintuitive for us, but it’s so much more encouraging to not try to get them to zero in on, You have to make a thing here. You have to make something that looks like something, that you can call something, that represents something. You can’t just explore what’s inside you. Big difference, right?

Of course, this is specifically about creative projects, but it really holds true with all kinds of skill development that our children are doing. They’re figuring out a process, and they’re learning. As Magda Gerber said, they’re learning how to learn every time they get the opportunity to do this.

And then Hari says: You could ask them to tell you about their drawing, but that’s even over the top sometimes. Because that’s putting pressure on them. Maybe they don’t have words to describe their drawing, right? Adults that create things can’t always talk about what they’re doing, or they don’t want to.

Finally she says: When I did art with kids at preschool, I would just play with color, abstract, so as not to distract them from their own work. Mostly, let kids work. No need to put up all their work, wait until they think of it. Some children don’t care at all about the piece itself after they’re done. It’s truly the process for them. Hari shares all kinds of jewels like this on her Instagram page.

Most of us have heard that it’s not a great thing to say “good job” or to use terms that represent fixed traits, like, “You’re so smart,” “You’re so pretty,” or “You’re so great at this!” Carol Dweck did the famous study on this where children who were told that they were smart, they would perform far worse on the test afterwards than those who were praised for their effort, who were told, “You’re working so hard to get this.” But being told that they’re smart, it imposes pressure. It’s almost like, I can only go down from here. And they would fall apart and not be able to do their best. Fascinating study.

But before we start doubting ourselves too much, I recommend considering what really matters. And, as with everything to do with our relationships with children, what matters is authenticity between us. When we’re talking about what they’re doing, it’s coming from us truly paying attention, noticing and appreciating what our child does. In other words, it’s all about our intention. Because we could say the perfect words or the words that aren’t recommended. We could say, “Wow, you’re a stupendous artist!” or, “Look at all the colors you’re using!” And either way, if we’re doing this purely to try to encourage our kids, because we feel we need to say something, not because we really mean it, children will sense the difference. And this is how they can get hooked into needing that kind of empty validation. It’s empty because we’re doing it because we’re just trying to come up with something to say that’s going to make them feel good. 

That doesn’t work with other people, right? When we’re just trying to say something to make them feel good rather than really meaning it. When the people that are always authentic with us, when they acknowledge something, that feels amazing, right? Because we know that they really mean it. We want to be that person for our children if possible, and try to prevent them from falling into that trap of people-pleasing and being outer-directed.

Here’s some guidelines that I put together that have helped me in terms of praise:

First, don’t praise to deliberately encourage, acknowledge what you genuinely think, like I was just saying. And, as Hari Grebler said, it’s okay to be silent. Children can feel when we’re genuinely interested and attentive, they have a sixth sense for this. Try to trust your child.

Next, be careful about overdoing it. Big hooplas, as Magda called them, tend to make it more about us than about our child. Big hooplas for going on the potty or for eating that certain food. Those will reveal our agendas to our kids and very possibly get in the way of our child going on the potty and eating that certain food. Because now, instead of doing this for themselves because they wanted to and it felt good to make that autonomous choice, they now realize they’re doing it for us. And young children don’t like being told what to do, neither do teenagers, neither do most children. Yes, if this is truly something rare and extraordinary that you’ve seen them struggle with, they’ve worked so hard on it, you both know that—yes, make a big hoopla then, if that’s how you really feel. But save those for those momentous occasions.

Finally, don’t use praise with the intention of gaining cooperation. I see it as misusing praise. So instead of saying, “Oh, good job, good job, good job,” I would say, “Thank you.” “Thank you for helping me do that, that really helps.” Or, “You’re able to do that now with me, and that’s much more fun for me to do it with you. Thanks for your help.”

But even with good job, there are ways we can say that authentically. It’s when we’re looking into our child’s eyes with that twinkle, we’re sharing something we’re both excited about, and we’re saying, I see you and you did it. Good job. When it really means something. That feels so much better than this sort of automatic stamp of approval that “good job” can often be. Good job, good job, I want you to keep going, keep doing this for me. Children don’t need that, and it can get in the way and have the opposite result from what we’re hoping for.

And then getting back into that intention part of this again. This can be our north star: intention. It just sort of clears everything away. What is my intention and how can I achieve it? I think in most of these examples, it seems like mostly our intention is to encourage. We don’t have bad intentions here, it’s very positive. We want to encourage our kids, we want them to feel good about themselves, to have self-confidence, to know they can do things. That’s what we want, right? So here are some ways that are quite related to what I’ve been talking about, about praise, but these are surprising ways to encourage our kids.

First, don’t try; instead, trust. Encouraging kids is not this active process, as I once thought it was. It’s about facilitating rather than doing. Since, as I was saying before, children feel our presence and they sense our emotions and our intentions, trusting in them as capable, unique, evolving individuals is the most valuable support we can give them. And, as Hari Grebler said, it can be silent.

Second, don’t cheerlead. You can do it! Good job, good job, good girl, good boy! Or coax. Come on, just give it a try! Give it a try. Instead, calm yourself and reflect what you see. There’s that acknowledging. “You’re working hard on that. It’s really difficult. Ah, it’s frustrating at times, right? To try to figure that out.” Or, “You did it.” And now I just have to say, my impulse when I first became a parent was to cheerlead, for sure. It’s what I grew up with. The way my family did things is to go over the top, and I still kind of love that in a way. But I see how it interferes and how with me, it interfered with me being outer-directed, looking outside of myself for validation, not feeling self-confident. I don’t think that was the only reason, but that was part of it.

Kids don’t need as much reassurance as we think, especially if they’re not asking for it. I try not to assume that my kids need to be reassured and reassured that I’m in their corner, that I’m rooting them on. They feel if we are or we aren’t, because they’re so magnificently aware. So they feel more genuinely supported when we’re not trying to push it or sell it on them. I mean, then they can feel like they’re letting us down too, right? When they don’t achieve whatever it is.

I’ve also realized that my impulse to actively demonstrate support for my kids mostly stems from my own discomfort with the possibility that they might become frustrated or fail. In other words, it’s not my child needing this feedback as much as it’s my need to want to give it to her. And so that was a big aha! for me. Calming myself is the best way for me to keep the air clear of the pressure and the urgency that can make it seem way more important than it is to my child. And that’s going to create pressure.

Point three, don’t direct or fix. Instead, be patient, fully attentive (if we’re available to be), providing the most minimal direction needed for children to be able to accomplish self-chosen tasks themselves.

Four, don’t over-sympathize or attempt to actively comfort frustration. Instead, allow it, accept it, empathize, acknowledge feelings. Doing all those things normalizes the experience of frustration. Because it is a life experience, and if we can feel it, allow it to be, it passes, we get through it, and we become used to those walls that go up. It doesn’t feel good, but we know it’s going to pass. Or maybe we need to take a break and come back, or maybe we need to give up on it altogether that time and come to it another day or later when we’re more ready. If we offer too much sympathy and comfort, we can teach our children, without meaning to, that this is a really negative situation, a problematic situation that you need my help with, that you can’t handle, that I need you to feel better.

Five, don’t project your own agenda or your urge to get it done and done “right.” Instead, let go and enjoy the journey. Enjoy the surprises. If it doesn’t work, the child learns from that too. If we can be okay with it, they can be okay with it.

Just to continue on this idea that it’s really not about the words, it’s about our intention, and that that can be our north star in helping us to give children praise or acknowledgements in ways that are genuinely connected. I received a note. It’s not the first one I’ve received with this issue, so I thought it would be interesting to respond to regarding this topic of praise.

Hi, Janet-

I can’t thank you enough for your work. It’s been life-changing to our family, and I wish we would’ve found it sooner. We have two daughters, a four-year-old and a one-year-old. We regrettably didn’t start following your methods until our oldest was about three, but she has a great attention span and plays well by herself.

Lately, however, she’s been a constant look at me, look what I’m doing, watch this, Mom, you’re not looking!, Mom, say good job! (Which we haven’t said to her in years and do not say to her sister.) I know this has everything to do with her younger sister, who is now able to do so many things. But I find myself getting exhausted and not wanting to watch every little thing she does. I also don’t want her to feel ignored. I tell her “not right now,” but that doesn’t seem to stop the constant requests. I’ve tried, “Ah, I hear you want me to watch you, but I’m a bit busy,” but the constantly responding to her requests is just exhausting. I find myself more and more withdrawn and lost in my own mind and needing space the more she requests my attention. Other people in her life say things like, “Good job!” or, “Wow, look at you!” And I just don’t feel like it’s authentic. I cannot control how other people speak to her, but she seems more and more bothered that I don’t speak to her that way.

Any encouragement or recommendations would be so greatly appreciated.

This parent gets that certain kinds of common ways we praise children aren’t authentic. The thing is, though, they are still going to get that input. Either from us, before we started considering the way we use those words, or from someone else—relatives, teachers. And what children do when they hear or observe or otherwise experience things, the healthy thing they do is that they process these experiences out. And often they do that with us, their trusted leaders. They’re exploring it. Wow, people are getting all excited with this praise thing. They’re not articulating it this way in their mind, but, Whoa, there’s this energy around this and I’m going to explore that. What does my mother think about it?

Then, if children come up against some resistance with us around something that they’re processing, we’re either shocked or we’re angry or, in this case, we’re just kind of annoyed because we don’t want her to be hooked into that stuff. And then also, Ugh, she wants me to give her this validation that doesn’t seem authentic. And I don’t want to do it and I don’t have time. But it could have just been that very first time we could have just been like, Oh, uh-oh, she wants me to say good job. Or, She’s all into needing validation. What have I done wrong? Or, This isn’t a good sign. So there’s that little bit of hesitation on our part, that little bit of maybe disappointment or worry. They feel that resistance from us. They’re coming up against some resistance, and that can be curious. So they want to explore it further. What if I ask this every second? Why is she getting more and more annoyed? And that can become a stuck place for them.

I believe that could be what’s happening here. She’s getting this subtle pushback when she requests this kind of empty praise, so she’s getting stuck. That means she’s struggling to get that need to just process this out filled. So what I would do in this case, especially because she’s asking for it, I would give her what she’s asking for without hesitation or reservation. Which we can still do authentically, I’m going to try to demonstrate. And I’m also sure that this parent is spot on in that her child is craving that extra attention and validation because of the rivalry with her sibling. So she’s a little more vulnerable, and then now she’s getting this feeling from her mother that what she’s asking for is this kind of annoying big deal. So then she’s getting stuck there doing it again and again and again, not wanting to be this more annoying child, but that’s where it’s going.

I want to try to assure this parent that she can give that validation while still holding onto her personal boundaries. And the way to do that is we’re giving it with an attitude that’s open, welcoming, encouraging. Generous, if you will, instead of stingy. Like, Sigh, alright, I’ll say good job. “You want a good job? Sure! That’s a great job! You’re doing a great job, I’m sure of it! I didn’t see what that was, but great job!”

So just to go over this, the parent says, “Lately, however, she’s been a constant look at me, look what I’m doing, watch this.” “Look at you? You know what? I want to look at you! I have to do this for now, but I can’t wait to come look at what you’re doing. Can you hold onto that? Just let me do this first.” I didn’t stop everything I was doing to go look at her, but I had an open, welcoming attitude about it, while still having my boundary. Which helps free her from that stuck place. I’m not annoyed, I just can’t do it right now, but I’m excited to do it when I can. She says, “Watch this!” “I wish I could! I can’t wait to see you do it after I do this thing.” “Mom, you’re not looking!” “Oh, I know, I know, but I will be!”

And then, you know what? We don’t have to keep talking every time she talks. We can let it go too, but just not with that tension that I’m guessing this parent is feeling. I mean, I understand why she’s feeling that because what her child is asking for is a bothersome thing, and then she won’t let up. But she will let up, I believe, as soon as this parent lets down her guard about it and lets it be. And when she says, “Mom, say good job!” And the mom says, “Which we haven’t said to her in years and do not say to her sister.” “You want me to say good job? Good job! I’m sure you’re doing a great job.” Or if we do see it, let’s say: “Good job, that is a good job actually!” We’re still not using it the way that we don’t want to use it. We’re using it in response to her wanting us to say it. And there’s no harm in that for her.

This parent says, “I tell her, ‘not right now.’ Or I’ve tried, ‘Ah, I hear you want me to watch you, but I’m a bit busy.'” Even saying those things could be fine, but the way she’s saying them, if she’s saying them with, Oh, not right now, but I will! Can’t wait to! Or, You want me to watch you and I wish I could, and I’m sure you’re doing something amazing. I’m a bit busy now, but I’ll be with you. It’s just a different attitude. It’s an unruffled attitude, it’s a there’s nothing to fear here attitude. Me saying those words to her is not going to harm her. It’s only going to help her move through this and see that there’s no pushback coming her way, there’s no odd resistance here. Nothing is a big deal. And it’s that daily diet of the way that we respond that matters. It’s not the once-in-a-while and the aunts and uncles doing it or whoever else is doing it.

I wanted to share this because I feel like it’s a good example of us getting tripped up in words, with all our wonderful intentions, to say the right words. There’s so much focus on words in our environment around parenting. But we’ll find much more clarity and freedom when we let go of those words, so we’re able to see beyond them to what really matters. And I would love to encourage this parent and every parent listening to believe in themselves and know that, in this case, this parent, she could free herself to do both. She can respond lovingly and exuberantly and affectionately with that empty validation her daughter wants right now, while still holding her boundaries and believing in what she believes in: being authentic. I mean, that’s a great value right there, in my opinion. I’m all about authentic. That’s one of the most important things to me, and I feel like it’s underrated these days, but that’s another story.

Let’s not get ourselves hamstrung worrying about words. We can trust ourselves more if we can also trust our child. Trust their intrinsic motivation, that they don’t need us to babble on about what they’re doing. It’s not up to us to mold certain outcomes for them. We provide the environment and the relationship of authenticity and trust, and these qualities we want to mold for our child will bloom on their own. That’s what I’ve seen with my children, the families I’ve worked with. I believe in that 100%: that trying to mold the outcome will only get in our way. It’s not our role at all. Instead, when it comes to our child’s abilities, be an interested spectator. The most interested spectator. Not judgmental, just interested.

Overall, we can stay on track as parents by considering: What do we want? Not just for now, but for the years to come. What do we want? Most of us want honest, authentically and mutually appreciative relationships with our kids. And we hope that they’ll know from the inside out that they are capable, that they are valuable, that they are worthy. Not because we say so, but because we both know so.

I know that we can do this.

The post Praise That Encourages Intrinsic Motivation appeared first on Janet Lansbury.

Transcript of “3 Steps To Help Children Dress Independently”

Hi. This is Janet Lansbury. Welcome to Unruffled. Today I’m going to be responding to a note I received from a parent who’s concerned because she wants to help her son to dress himself more independently. She feels they’ve been helping him a little too much and she’s not sure about some of the steps in the process.

Here’s the note I received:

“I’ve been reading as much of your information as quickly as I can because I see my children responding so well to your advice. My current issue has to do with my three-year-old. As a matter of convenience, his dad and I have helped him get dressed every day by literally dressing him. It didn’t occur to us that he should have been doing more a long time ago. We just did it out of habit. I know he’s capable of most of the tasks of getting dressed. For instance, he can put his pants on, but still struggles greatly with the buttons.

So I’ve taken a huge step back and now make sure to allow ample time for him to do what he can independently. I’m always there for empathy and support, but I want him working through the frustrating parts of what he can do. I’ve tried finding an answer in the things you’ve written but I’m stuck at that point where he gives up very quickly and demands help. The result is always him doing it himself, but yesterday he took and hour to put his pants and underwear back on after using the bathroom. He prefers them off rather than around his ankles. I’m trying to determine if I’m doing things right and just need to stick with it or if I’m missing something really obvious that would help him.

I’m determined to figure this out because obviously I can’t go to school with him in a couple of years to put his pants back on after he uses the bathroom each day. I’ve joked that I’m yearning for the day that I’m complaining that he won’t let me help because he insists on doing everything himself.”

Okay. Well, this mother is trying to determine “if I’m doing things right,” she says and I would say she mostly is. She’s giving him the space to try things himself. And one thing that’s really important that she’s doing is that she has empathy and support for him in his struggles.

But let’s talk about some more details she can add to this to help him make progress in achieving these skills and performing these activities. I’m going to go over some steps that work at any stage of the game with a child, whether we are just starting out in inviting them to participate in practicing these skills, or if we’re trying to make a change later, like this family’s doing.

The first step in trying to encourage a child to be able to be more independent in these care-giving tasks is to (1) be fully connected during these activities. Meaning, this is a time that we put the phone aside. We don’t look at those text messages or answer or phone. We are there for our child. Because caregiving times like dressing, bathing, brushing hair, bedtime rituals, putting band-aids on or with a younger child, changing diapers, these are times that are built for intimacy and children learn our relationship when we’re engaging in these tasks. They learn how to participate and they feel our support.

These are times of bonding. We’re touching our child. We’re helping them with their self-care and we’re teaching in this very organic manner. So taking full advantage of these times is important.

It sounds like this family has been doing that. But what they have fallen into is kind of doing it for him rather than inviting him to participate. And that’s the second step, to (2) invite participation.

It’s important to understand that we can’t force independence. We can’t even coax independence. It has to be chosen by our child. But we can encourage it. And with Magda Gerber’s approach we recommend doing this from birth by perceiving our baby or our toddler as a whole person who we want to invite to participate in every aspect of their lives to the best of their ability.

So that means, yes, giving a little bit of time for a child to be able to participate in the way they can. For example, changing the infant’s diaper. “I need to lift up your bottom a little bit while I slide this diaper under” or “while I take this one off. Can you help me? Can you lift up a little bit?” And we start to see by communicating that our child does begin to participate. Even a very young child, just a month old will begin to join us in these tasks if we open up that invitation for them to participate by communicating. It’s not so much that we’re waiting and expecting our child to do things. We’re just allowing for that back and forth. We’re still moving our child along but doing it in a manner that keeps inviting our child to join.

So inviting our child to participate means communicating what we’re doing. And when we invite, even when we are the ones doing the activity, we’re (3) explaining our process as we go.

What sometimes happens and may be happening with this family, is that she went from doing it completely for him out of habit to now I’m going to take a step back and let him do it. But there’s an in between place that’s actually going to be the most productive. We’re not completely doing it for him and we’re not completely backing off and just waiting for him either.

We’re seeing this as a time of togetherness, encouraging him to take part in it but not forcing him to.

And she mentions that buttons are a struggle. Yes. Buttons are a struggle. They’re very hard to do. Some of these dressing details are quite challenging for children and, if you think about it, it’s pretty complicated to put a button through a button-hole. So the way this might start is the parents, first of all, continuing as they were doing to set time aside to do this task with their child, not expecting, now he’s going to do it and we are not going to participate.

So, “Okay, now it’s time to get dressed. Oh, which shirt do you want to wear? You picked this one” or, “You picked this one last night. Okay. Let’s put this on.”

And then we’re pausing at each step to let him initiate something. But we’re going to pick up the slack and not wait too long, especially if we see that he’s not really working at it, he’s just kind of stalling or waiting, maybe even feeling in a little bit of a power struggle with us because he feels us having an agenda that he’s going to do it. I wouldn’t allow those long pauses where you’re waiting for him. I would keep moving it forward, just giving short pauses for him to join and keep offering the opportunities.

“So, can you put your arm through here? Okay. Cool. We’re going to put this up on your shoulder,” (talking about a sleeve here). “And now, let’s get this other arm on this side. Oh yeah. You’re going to reach that arm over a little bit.” (I’m doing a button-up shirt.) And, “Yeah, okay, we’ll get that through there. Can you push your arm through that sleeve? Great. And now here are these buttons we’ve got to do. Do you want to try this?”

And then he doesn’t seem to be showing that he’s trying or wants to try it. “Okay. Let me see. How about… I’m going to hold this buttonhole open. Can you put the button in there? Do you want to do that part?”

Let’s say he’s still not doing it then I would say, “Okay. I’m going to get this … it has to fit right through there. I’m going to put it around.”

So I’m explaining my process.

Now let’s say he does want to do it but he’s struggling. “Now you’re trying to get that through. That’s so hard.” And then you could help with your finger the tiniest bit so that he can still be the one to do it, but you’re making it a little easier for him.

So that’s what I mean by inviting participation but not just leaving him to do it himself. Because even if children can dress themselves, they often can’t do it at that moment, because transitions (as I’ve talked about before) are very hard for toddlers. Any time they’re transitioning from point A to point B and all the steps involved in that, they tend to get stuck there.

Also, this mother mentions that she has other children. I’m wondering if there’s a younger child or maybe an infant, because if that’s the case, then an older child, even if he was older than three, he could be five or six even, might be longing to have some of that physical care that he sees the baby getting. And therefore, he really needs that connection time, that one-on-one few moments of us helping him get dressed. So I would understand that and see the value in these moments of connection before, maybe he’s going off to school and we’re going to be separating. Or I’m going off to work. Or just, we’re starting our day and I’m going to be taking care of his sibling or his siblings.

This is prime time. This can set the tone for a whole day that we get to join in this moment.

So with the pants, I would do the same. “Can you get your foot in here? Oh, okay. It looks like you want to do that part yourself. You’re pulling it up, all the way up. Now here’s that button again. This is the hard part.”

Or the snap. Those snaps can be really hard for children too. With that, you might hold one side of it so that you’re giving it traction so that he can push the other side to make it snap. And if he has a zipper on his pants you can hold his pants together tautly so that he’s able to get that zipper up.

Be in this with him. We’re not overriding his abilities in that moment (again, it’s always about in that moment) but we’re not expecting them either and leaving him to do it unless he chooses to.

When he chooses to struggle then, yes, you can give him as much time as you have. But when this mother says he took and hour to put his pants and underwear back on after using the bathroom, that sounds like he was stuck and he really needed some help and some nurturing, some closeness. And, “Yes. I’d love to help you put these pants on. I’m going to help you.” And then again, empathy for any feelings he has is wonderful, staying in this with him but also not feeling like we have to drag it out and wait for him when he’s clearly disinterested or stalling or stuck.

So she says, “I’ve tried finding an answer in the things you’ve written but I’m stuck at the point where he gives up very quickly and demands help.”

When children demand help, I would always say, “Yes. Yes. I’d love to help.” But “help” doesn’t mean that we have to just start doing it for him. Help that’s empowering for children is helping with our emotional support. “Yes. I’m here. What do you need help with? Oh, these pants, they’re hard. You need some help.”

And then continuing to communicate and do the minimal. Let him do the maximum that he’s willing to do, but not trying to force him to do more. “You need help with these pants. Yeah. This is a tough part.” Or maybe you just feel like having my help this morning. That’s okay. I love to help you. I love to dress you.

“Do you want to be the one to put the button through?” “Do you want to be the one to do the zip?”

“That’s frustrating! I can hold this, make it a little easier for you.”

And now we see that he really does want to keep doing it so then we might wait and let him be frustrated. “That’s so frustrating when you’re trying to get zippers going and they seem to get stuck sometimes. I hate when that happens. Ah, there you got it a little bit. Okay. Cool. Up, up. Yeah, did it! You did it.”

That’s all we have to do. Just be there for our children. We want to (1) connect. We want to (2) invite participation and (3) communicate our process, leaving space for him to do as much as he can and what he’s willing to do.

And then this parent says, “I’m determined to figure this out because obviously I can’t go to school with him in a couple of years to put his pants back on.”

And that absolutely won’t be happening. I think sometimes as parents we can let ourselves go into that future fear place, that anticipation that if your child’s not doing it now, then they’re never going to be able to do it or they’re not going to be able to do it in a few years. It’s interesting because I think a lot of us have the tendency to do that, but it actually transmits something to our children that makes it harder for them, in a way, because it brings our own tension into the situation. We can’t help but feel tense if we’re concerned that our child has an issue. I don’t know if this parent really does or if she’s just saying that. But it will help to, as much as possible, trust our child. They’re very capable. And there are a lot of things again, that they can actually do but they just can’t do in that moment, in that transition, in this time of life. When the baby’s over there and that baby’s getting held and hugged all day and touched, so meeting our child where he is or she is.

This mother joked that she’s yearning for the day that’s she’s complaining “he won’t let me help because he insists on doing everything himself.” That day is coming very soon. I can assure her of that. Especially if she doesn’t try to urge it or make it happen. Children have a natural drive to be gradually more and more independent and when they’re not feeling able, there’s always a reason. And it’s better to help them through and give them what they need.

I hope some of this helps.

Also, please check out some of the other podcasts on my website, janetlansbury.com. They’re all indexed by subject and category so you should be able to find whatever topic you might be interested in.

Both of my books are available on audio, No Bad Kids, Toddler Discipline Without Shame and Elevating Child Care, A Guide To Respectful Parenting. You can get them for free from Audible by following the link in the liner notes of this podcast. Or you can go to the books section of my website. Or you can go to the books section of my website. can also get them in paperback at Amazon, and in E-book at Amazon, Barnes & Noble and apple.com. You can also get them in paperback at Amazon and in eBook at Amazon, Barnes and Noble and apple.com.

Thank you for listening. We can do this.

The post 3 Steps To Help Children Dress Independently appeared first on Janet Lansbury.

Transcript of “Supporting A Child Who Has Differences”

Hi, this is Janet Lansbury. Welcome to Unruffled.

Today, I’m responding to an email I received from a mom who has a three-year-old with a developmental coordination disorder. She says that as he matures, he’s becoming aware of his condition and, because this will be a long term issue for him, this mom wants to give her son the social tools and the emotional support that he’ll need now and in the future.

Before I begin, I don’t have a sponsor for this particular podcast. The sponsor is me. And I want to take this opportunity to say thank you to all of you for tuning in, for making this a top parenting podcast, and for your reviews, even the critical ones. I always learn something from them if they’re constructive criticism, and it helps me to adapt what I’m doing, because this is to help. That’s the only reason I’m doing this. And thank you to all of you who have left encouraging comments and reviews for me that tell me that I am helping you. That makes me want to carry on. That’s all I want to say. I appreciate and am touched by your support, so thank you very much.

Here’s the email I received:

“Hi Janet. We really like your podcast. I’m struggling with something I’d love your input on. My son is three and has been diagnosed with developmental coordination disorder. Without going into the details of this disorder, the thrust of it is that, among other issues, he is very clumsy and often stumbles, trips, and falls. These are usually benign. My question is: I want to try to frame this issue for him in an age appropriate way, and give him a supportive self mantra around this, because it is going to be a long term issue.

I have realized recently how many times these stumbles lead well intentioned onlookers to gasp, exclaim, ask if he’s okay, etc. This happens I think out of surprise more than the trip being anything significantly upsetting, but they don’t realize it’s not the only time he’s having this happen. It happens pretty regularly. He’s already becoming more aware that he has some deficits compared to his peers, even if he doesn’t have the language skills to articulate this all the time. I don’t want these reactions to make him feel overly scrutinized, anxious, or insecure.

I dread the day I’m going to get the questions, ‘Why am I so different, why am I so clumsy,’ and so forth. For my part, I try not to make those things a big deal, and just nonchalantly help him up, and sometimes ask if he’s okay. We say a lot of things like, ‘Just try again,’ or, ‘No worries,’ and, ‘Not a big deal.’ I really want to help his inner voice be kind. I realize I can’t control the reactions of others, and it would do no good to explain continually to well-meaning strangers about invisible disabilities, so what I can control is our reaction and what we do to support my son so he has tools to handle this. Do you have suggestions? Thank you so much.”

First of all, I want to say that this parent has a brilliant attitude. I love the way she’s thinking about this. It’s so helpful. And you can feel her care for her son in everything she says here.

I thought this would be a great one to respond to, because my advice for this mom to just help her fine tune her approach to getting what she wants actually covers a whole assortment of differences that children have. There are all kinds of things that we have as people that other people might notice and comment on or react to.

The interesting and inspiring thing about children is that, more often than not, they do have a lot of self acceptance around these differences, and they will naturally actually accept them in others as well if we can approach them honestly, if we can work on calming our own fears and anxieties about our child, if we can really trust that our child will be okay. Our acceptance is a big key to this.

How do we demonstrate our acceptance? First of all, we have to feel accepting. We have to trust and breathe and know that our child is on a journey, and he or she deserves our honesty about what’s going on, and that they are different in this way and that that’s okay. Just as we trust our child to face all age appropriate challenges, to have those experiences being rejected by people, let’s say, or struggling to engage with friends, or struggling with tasks that they want to master, it’s okay for our child to be in all those uncomfortable in-between places, experiencing life.

I’m going to talk about now a couple things that stood out for me here that I would like to help this parent shift their view on a little bit. One is “a supportive self mantra” around this. That makes a lot of sense. But the idea that our child needs a self mantra is already a little bit veering into that they’re not going to be okay with this about themselves, and that they need to try to talk themselves into being okay, to talk themselves down from what they’re feeling.  I think, already, that that view of this is not quite the healthiest one.

She said, “Because it’s going to be a long term issue.” Right, so acceptance is the key. Children surprise us with their ability to accept. It’s often, if not always, easier for them than it is for us. I don’t think this child or any child in this situation needs a self mantra. Again, what they need is honesty and acceptance. In this case, acceptance of all their feelings around this issue that they have.

Another thing that sticks out for me is that she says, “He’s already becoming more aware that he has some deficits compared to his peers, even if he doesn’t have the language skills to articulate this all the time.” I can understand this parent perceiving this as a deficit, but to a child, they don’t have to be deficits. Sometimes it might feel like that, if this little boy, let’s say, is trying to race his friends and it’s harder for him, but it’s actually more of a difference. We all have differences. We have differences that put us ahead of other people in some ways (not that this is a race). We have differences that stand out as very positive, and we have differences that tend to hold us back a little. It’s all going to be okay.

She says, “I don’t want these reactions that other people have to make him feel overly scrutinized, anxious, or insecure.” That’s an area that really we have no control over as parents and, really, we shouldn’t try to, because trying to fix that in any way is going to give our child a less accepting message and lessen their self acceptance. We are so powerful with our children — what we think, how we perceive things, everything we worry about. All of that, for better and worse, is felt by our children. That’s why I wouldn’t see this as a deficit so much as a difference.

I would let go of what he feels about this. That’s his journey and, ideally, it will all be welcomed by us, all the things he feels about it. That’s what self acceptance is. It’s not just feeling okay about things because other people want us to, or that we’re not supposed to feel anything else. It’s: Okay, I don’t like this, but this is who I am, this is me, and I’m perfect as is. That’s what we want to get across, and that’s the way children will naturally feel.

This parent says she dreads the day she’s going to get the questions, “Why am I so different? Why am I so clumsy?” Those are all actually healthy, positive questions — wanting to understand himself. I understand how scary that can feel for a parent, to feel like your child is uncomfortable and not liking certain things about himself. That’s what we have to work on ourselves, trusting it’s okay to like things and dislike things about ourselves, self acceptance, and it begins with our acceptance.

Then she says, “For my part, I try not to make those things a big deal, and just nonchalantly help him up, and sometimes ask if he’s okay.” Asking if he’s okay, wonderful. Helping him up if he needs help, great. He may be able to get up himself. And we’re there noticing, “Oh wow, you fell.”

I wouldn’t be nonchalant as to discount it. What I believe we all have to do as parents with any struggle that they’re having or any challenge that they’re facing is to be right beside them in this journey, or even a step behind them, not ahead, not deciding, Oh, they might feel this way and I don’t want them to feel that way, so I’m going to try to get on top of this. We don’t mean to, but it’s kind of like, Push it down, push it away. I don’t want him to go there, so I’m not going to let him go there.

That’s stepping ahead. That’s actually not accepting. We want to stay beside. So wherever he is, whatever he feels about that fall, that’s what we want to encourage. We check it out, “Oh wow, yeah. You went down.” We don’t make a bigger deal out of it, but we don’t lessen it for him. How does he feel? What support does he need right now? We’re not trying to rush him to get up.

With the RIE approach, we do this with infants, toddlers, or any child. When they fall, we don’t want to pick them up too quickly, because we want them to notice that they fell and what happened there and what they tripped on. We don’t want to just magically make it disappear. I mean, we do  but we try to counter that impulse to swoop them up and, “Oh, you’re fine,” or … I don’t know that this parent is doing that at all, but to really let him have the time to get up.

But we’re there. We’re not leaving him to do this and not helping him. We’re helping him in a more sensitive, attuned way, noticing where he’s at and observing and allowing him to let us know when he needs help.

She says, “We say a lot of things like, ‘Try again,’ or, ‘No worries,’ and, ‘Not a big deal.’ I really want to help his inner voice be kind.” That kind inner voice comes from self acceptance. Self acceptance means we’re okay with ourselves. We’re not feeling judged. We’re not feeling other agendas around us. We trust ourselves, and that makes us kind to others. These are the kindest people out there, the ones that have self acceptance and are comfortable in their skin.

So he will have a kind inner voice, but I wouldn’t say, “Just try again,” “No worries,” and, “Not a big deal.” I know this parent doesn’t mean it that way, but that is discounting. It’s invalidating anything that he might feel. Just fix it and cover it up and make it okay. “Oh, just try again, that was nothing. Not a big deal, no worries.” It’s similar to saying, “You’re okay,” to a child who doesn’t feel okay. “You’re okay, you’re okay,” and the child feels like they’re not okay. Maybe they’re disappointed that they fell. Maybe it was a big deal to him in that moment, because now all these people are coming over and checking on him. We don’t want to decide that for our children. I understand the impulse so well. I have it every single time still, but it’s not helpful.

Asking if he’s okay, that’s great. “Oh wow, are you okay? I saw you fell.” But then he gets to feel however he feels, and having that accepted is what makes our inner voice kind. When we feel people trying to rush us to feel better or that our real feelings aren’t okay, we don’t have that same sense of security and comfort in our skin that I know this mother and all of us want for our children.

She says, “I realize I can’t control the reactions of others, and it would do no good to explain continually to well-meaning strangers about invisible disabilities, so what I can control is our reaction …”

Yes, exactly. And that’s what I just hope to fine tune a little bit.

“… and what we do to support my son so he has the tools to handle this.”

Right, the good news here, the great news is he does have the tools to handle this. He really does, if we can believe in him.

When he asks those questions, “Why am I different, why am I clumsy?” or when you notice him seeming uncomfortable by the people’s reactions to him, that’s when I would start, again, standing next to your child figuratively or just a step behind. That’s the responsiveness that’ll help. Responding to what you see in him, responding to his look of puzzlement maybe when people come over. If you notice something like that, maybe you already are noticing this, say something, not in that moment but afterwards. In the moment, I would just acknowledge those people, “Yeah, he fell. Yeah … I don’t know, are you okay?” to him. “Yeah, he seems okay, but thank you for your concern.”

And then after they’re gone, “Yeah, those people were worried that you fell. They seemed to care that you fell, and they wanted to make sure that you weren’t hurt.” Just something in that moment, and then when he seems to notice that this is happening more to him than it is to his friends, let’s say, or to other people, or when he opens that door to want to know more about it, that’s when it’s the most important to quell our own fears, to trust him, to believe in this guy. Children are so capable, so much more capable than we give them credit for.

When he asks why: “You have something different about you. You were born with this,” or with some children, it will be, “This happened to you, and so it gives you a tendency to do this, or it makes you look this way to other people, and other people notice that because it’s different.”

That’s all you have to say. Just the simple truth, not trying to fix it for him, not trying to give him some tool from outside himself. He’s got the goods and, believing in that, his parents believing in that is the only tool that he needs. And instead of dreading the day she gets those questions, I would see that as a gift, a time when you will get (or times because it may come up a lot of times), to acknowledge whatever he feels, not decide what he feels, but really notice what he does feel, and acknowledge that, validate it.

“Yeah, it must feel hard when this is happening to you and you’re trying to keep up with your friends. Yeah, that is hard.” Just letting that be, braving the silence after we acknowledge those feelings, avoiding trying to tie a bow around it with: “But you’re fine, and it’s going to be okay, and you can do other things really well.” Trying not to jump there. Just letting those feelings have a life, letting him know that he’s safe feeling that.

Those are my little tweak thoughts for this parent, and for any parent dealing with this issue in any form. I really hope that’s helpful, and again, thank you all for listening. We can do this.

The post Supporting A Child Who Has Differences appeared first on Janet Lansbury.

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Concerned Parent’s question reflects one of the more confusing elements of respectful parenting: recognizing the difference between being helpful and nurturing to our children versus being too controlling and cramping their style.

Here are some of the distinguishing factors I’ve gathered in my work with parents and children over the years that have helped me to navigate the often fuzzy line between helping and hovering:

Hovering

Stems from our own impatience, discomfort, or concerns that our children will become frustrated or discouraged (or otherwise upset) and might not feel loved or supported by us unless we relieve these feelings by making the situation better.

Perceives children as not very capable, particularly when it comes to handling frustration and other uncomfortable feelings.

Projects tension and sometimes panic or a sense of danger into the situation (when we come to the rescue), which unsettles our children, stifling the time and space they need to be able to persevere with challenges and solve problems.

Can create dependencies, neediness, whining, anxiety, emotional fragility, a sense of helplessness.

Isn’t helpful to parents either. We’re more likely to become discouraged, frustrated, worn out, and resentful by trying to prevent or extinguish every fire and, therefore, we’ll be more reactive and short tempered. It can get to the point where we feel vaguely captive to our child’s demands and emotions, because we’ve neglected the vital task of carving out our own space in our parent-child relationship.

Is less about helping our children because we genuinely want to and more about assisting them because we feel we should or must.

Helping

Comes from a place of basic trust in our children as capable beings. We perceive ourselves as facilitators of their development rather than engineers, directors, or managers.

Requires us to be observers: patient, attuned, and open minded. We value our child’s process rather than focusing on whether or not she achieves results. We comfortably remain one step behind our children and take care not to project our own agenda or worry about theirs. And they generally don’t have one, unless we’ve taught them they should. Unlike us, they tend to fully inhabit the now.

Is wholehearted, never begrudging.  It’s more about being an supportive presence than actually doing anything.

Means intervening only when children are truly stuck, and then in the most minor way possible. For example, rather than taking a struggling child down from a climbing structure she’s ascended, we provide emotional support by spotting and acknowledging, “I see you’re uncertain about getting down from there. I’ll keep you safe while you try.” If she continues to struggle, we might offer, “Here, maybe try placing your foot on this next bar below.” Doing less as adults allows our children to do and learn more.

Nurtures self-confidence, resilience and our parent-child bond, while encouraging specific traits like tenacity, persistence, autonomy, problem solving, creativity, ingenuity, flexibility, resourcefulness, focus and a long attention span.

For specific examples of the difference between helping and hovering and how they look in practice, here’s my stab at a brief(ish) response to Concerned Parent’s request for advice.

Dear CP:

We hover when we assist too much with play… Children are born capable of inventing their own play, and it’s extremely healthy for them to do so. We can avoid creating dependencies by taking a more passive, supportive, responsive role in our child’s activities. Children don’t tend to ask for help with their play projects unless we’ve given it to them in the past.

When your child tries to draw you into being more active and entertaining, say no very confidently and comfortably. “You want me to ___, but I’m going to stay right here for now.” Then stay just as present and engaged with her while in observational mode, so she doesn’t get the message that she loses your attention when you aren’t playing with her. Then, whenever you can’t play with her, separate and take your space with confidence, while comfortably acknowledging her feelings.

Maybe consider what it is that you are trying to control. Your daughter’s emotions? If so, I would work at perceiving all her feelings positively, letting go of and accepting them. Children need to be able to express them fully. In my experience, this is the greatest challenge of all for us as parents, and it is a lifelong struggle.

We nurture when we assist with caregiving…  Dressing is what child specialist Magda Gerber referred to as a “caregiving” activity. Caregiving activities like dressing, diapering, bathing, mealtimes and bedtime, combing your child’s hair and making pony tails (as my husband was fond of doing for our girls) are opportunities to nurture children with our undivided attention. We invite our children to participate in these tasks to the extent of their abilities and interests, allowing them the space and time to do it themselves if they wish to, but we never force this.

Caregiving activities deepen our parent-child connection, and this is true whether children are capable of doing these tasks independently or not. As our children mature, they obviously request our help with caregiving tasks less and less, but whenever there’s an opening, I’d perceive it as a precious opportunity and seize it. If I wasn’t available, I’d still be perfectly fine with my child requesting this type of nurturing. So, I’d either reply with a confident, “I’m sorry, I can’t. I have to get myself ready right now. I’ll check in with you as soon as I’m done,” or a resounding, “Yes, I’d love to help you put that sock on. Here, I’ll place it over your toes. Would you like to be the one to pull it up the rest of the way? No? Okay, I’ll be happy to… here it goes over that heel!”

The key to all of this is getting comfortable with establishing personal boundaries so that we don’t use up precious caregiving energy constantly assisting our child when our help isn’t actually helpful, critical or productive.

Then, if you’re like me, you’ll continue to follow Magda Gerber’s brilliant advice by seizing opportunities to connect with your children with caregiving, even when they are 23, 19, and 14. You’ll jump to make them that cup of coffee whenever they’re home, offer them your undivided attention at meals whenever possible, and make it a point to steal goodnight kisses. One morning, you might even make a bold offer. After trying several times to rouse your sleepy 14-year-old son for school, you ask if he’d like you to dress him. Fully expecting your offer to be rejected, you may be stunned when, after a very long pause, he surprises you by weakly uttering, “Yeah.” You take your moment, and it completely makes your day.

For more on this topic, please check out these posts:

When Children “Can’t Do It” 

Don’t Waste an Opportunity to Connect With Your Kids

Growing, Changing, and Loss

5 Best Ways to Raise Problem Solvers

The Powerful Gift of “I Did It!”

Surprising Things Babies Might Do (If Given the Chance)

And these books:

Your Self–Confident Baby by Magda Gerber and Allison Johnson

Dear Parent: Caring for Infants With Respect by Magda Gerber

Elevating Child Care: A Guide to Respectful Parenting and No Bad Kids: Toddler Discipline Without Shame 

1, 2, 3… The Toddler Years: A Practical Guide for Parents and Caregivers

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My intention here is not to rejoin the argument. Parents can read the article (and others), solicit professional and anecdotal advice, and decide for themselves. For me, a child-directed approach always resonates, so I believe in offering babies the opportunity to roll to their tummies (from the back position) in their own perfect time.

While on their backs, babies can stretch, twist, move their heads and limbs easily, see their entire surroundings, and strengthen the muscles necessary for making eventual tummy time more comfortable. Child-initiated tummy time has cognitive and psychological benefits as well as physical ones, because it encourages mastery and a sense of agency.

It’s been exciting for me to witness a new wave of parents discovering the joys of unassisted motor development.

One common question I receive is about the transitional period after babies first learn to roll onto their tummies. They can usually only remain in this new position comfortably for a limited amount of time, but they haven’t quite figured out how to roll onto their backs again. I thought I’d address that situation here through a note I received from Rajvee:

Hi Janet,

I need a suggestion for my 4-month-old. She is a very happy and playful child. Lately, she rolls to her tummy instantly, enjoys being there for a while, and once she gets tired, she wants to roll back on her back (which she is not able to do yet). In this process she gets very frustrated and tired and yells loudly. I give her assurance, talk to her and try to give her emotional support while she is trying to turn back, but all in vain. I want to practice non-interference with her motor skills and let her discover a complete roll on her own. My question is at what point do I walk up to her and physically turn her over, basically end her struggle and help her?

Rajvee

Hi Rajvee,

What you’re experiencing is normal and to be expected — a very common transitional stage for babies developing motor skills naturally. She’s figured out how to roll to her tummy, but can’t yet get back into a supine position. On her tummy she is still developing muscle strength in her neck, and she will eventually learn to lift her upper body up, arching her back and supporting herself on her hands with her arms extended.

In the meantime, this new position is very tiring! It makes perfect sense that she complains after a few minutes.

I wouldn’t encourage her to roll back. She will work on that of her volition and achieve it when she’s ready (as she has “tummy time”).  She’s telling you something else now, so I would simply acknowledge, “I hear you. Sounds like you might be getting tired. Do you want me to pick you up?” Extend your arms to her as you ask this question. Then wait a moment or two for her response. She might make eye contact with you… or perhaps grunt or cry out. She might do something physically like move her head or “kick” with her legs. She might also not do any of those things or seem to indicate any response.

That’s okay. I would still give her that moment, because it lets her know you want to communicate with her – you want to know what she really wants in this moment. Then I would say, “I am going to pick you up.” And then do so. Give her a break in your arms and, then, if she seems ready, let her know again, “Now, I will place you down on the floor” (on her back). But if you believe she may need milk or a nap, then you would obviously take care of those needs.

For more about tummy time and child-led motor development:

Tummy Time Baby’s Way and NO Tummy Time Necessary by Lisa Sunbury, Regarding Baby

Plagiocephaly?!? (or Why “tummy time” is not the answer) by Sarita Galvez, moverse en libertad

“Tummy Time” May Not Be Needed by Nicholas Bakalar, New York Times

The Case Against Tummy Time by Irene Lyon and my post Baby Led Tummy Time – Rolling in the New Year on this website

(Thank you so much to Rajvee for allowing me to share your question and beautiful photo!)

The post When Babies Get Tired of Tummy Time appeared first on Janet Lansbury.

Hi, this is Janet Lansbury and in this episode of Unruffled, I’m going to be talking about something completely different. Most of my podcasts, really all of my podcasts so far, have been about behavior issues. This one is going to be in response to a parent asking about propping her child up to sit. So I’ll be talking a little about natural motor development and how to switch gears if one wants to start doing it more that way and they haven’t been.

Here’s the message I received from Mel:

“Hi Janet, I’m so thankful to have found you and Magda Gerber through you. I have kind of a pressing question for you concerning my almost six-month-old. Unfortunately, we’ve been propping him up to sit since, well, a long time. Now when I leave him on his back, it doesn’t take long before he’s screaming, usually already rolled over on his belly. By that point, I can’t help but pick him up. How do I reteach him to learn on his own? Did I miss the crucial time for learning to take place? I would so appreciate your thoughts on this. Thank you.”

Well, I first want to answer right away, “Did I miss a crucial time?” No, definitely not. Natural motor development is an aspect of respectful parenting or, actually, specifically the RIE approach developed by Magda Gerber, also through the work of her mentor Dr. Emmi Pikler, and this is definitely an aspect I recommend, but it’s not make or break in terms of being a respectful parent. A lot of children are raised without this and they’re fine. This is a detail that I really appreciate and have appreciated in my children for a number of reasons, and it is something to consider, but again, not make or break.

I often get questions about this. “How do I change tracks? I’ve been propping my baby up, or I’ve been pulling my baby up to stand, or walking my baby around holding their hands. Oh, and my baby likes this now, really likes this, wants this and if I don’t do it, my baby gets upset. So what do I do? I’ve got to keep doing it, right? Or maybe it’s too late?

The really good news here is: definitely not because babies, as we’ve all heard, young children are very adaptable and they’re always ready to make changes. They’re not ready to make them seamlessly. They’re not ready to make them without expressing their opinion about them, or their feelings around that change. So as long as we know that, all we need is confidence in our decision, conviction that we are doing the best thing for our child at this moment.

And this attitude holds true with a lot of things: boundaries that aren’t easy for us, changing sleep habits, perhaps, because we realize that our child’s not getting a good night’s sleep, we’re not getting a good night’s sleep, and this is going to be better for our family and better for our child, but maybe not what our child wants in the moment.

So it’s really important to approach these transitions that we’re trying to make with a lot of confidence, knowing that this is the great parenting stuff, this is the hard stuff.

It’s much easier to just keep our child happy and avoid them feeling unhappy about anything, or complaining about anything. That’s much, much easier than doing these harder things because we love our child so much that we want to be the best possible parent for them, even if it’s harder for us and a little harder for them in the moment. We’re seeing the big picture. That’s our job as parents, always. Babies and toddlers and young children, they can’t really do that. They don’t have that frame of reference. They don’t have that understanding. We do and that’s why God invented parents, I think.

Okay, so in this case, they’ve been propping him up to sit and, yes, children tend to like this, because everybody’s smiling at them and they’re seeing the world from this different position or maybe they’ve been used to that because they’ve been carried in an upright position and so this is already what they’re used to and, yeah, they want to do what they’re used to.

But if you really look at these babies, if you really observe them, you can see that they’re pretty much frozen from the waste down. They are not free to move. If they do move, try to move out of that position, they topple over a lot of the time and they’re stuck. They’re not able to army crawl or work on crawling on their knees and getting to the object that they want to get to.

This also effects play. If we want to foster independent playtime for our children, which I highly recommend, because it’s the gift that keeps on giving for all of us. It’s the wonderful way that babies learn and show us what they’re interested in, rather than the other way around and it’s how they deepen their knowledge about all kinds of things. It’s how they develop a long attention span, because they’re falling their own interests. It’s how they learn to love learning. Learning is fun, learning is exploring, experimenting. It’s a joy. It’s a natural instinct.

So when a child is dependent on us to place them in a position, they are essentially starting off play dependently without the freedom to make choices. So again, this is a very positive change to make if one’s willing to make it, or wants to make it. And the way to do it is, as with all other changes, to be honest, be respectful, cop to the fact that you were doing it differently and you’ve realized that that’s not as positive as allowing your child to obtain those positions independently and choose them.

So here’s how this looks moment to moment… We place our child down, always doing this slowly and letting our baby know what’s going on, not just plopping our child down and expecting that that’s going to make them feel comfortable and not dumped. So doing this slowly, gradually, even talking about it a step before. “Oh, after we finish changing your diaper, it’s going to be time for you to have some playtime. So I’ll be lying you down in your play area, or in your crib,” or in your playpen, or wherever it is, or outside on the grass, on a blanket, and then you slowly do that and you sit down right next to your baby.

Actually it’s even better if you go into the play area sitting down with your baby in your arms, maybe in a more horizontal position. If they’re absolutely not used to that then they probably won’t let you do that. But if possible, holding them in a more horizontal position and then giving it a moment for them to look around, be just sitting with you, relaxed, and then ask. “Are you ready for me to place you down? Are you ready for playtime?”

And then slowly, gradually, gently placing our child down. Being careful to not just let the head drop down onto the floor. That’s something that I was doing at first when I first went to a RIE class. I was kind of letting my baby lie down and then that head was going down, clunk, at the end and I learned to let my hands glide through so that the head is gently going down. It makes a big difference, you know, children like any of us, we don’t want to get plopped down. We want it to be gentle and smooth.

So then you’re there, you’re present, you’re paying attention, you’re not trying to multi task and do other things and your baby makes a sound. I would respond immediately. “Huh, I hear you saying something. What are you saying?” Not assuming the baby’s saying, “I want to sit up,” because that’s our fear taking us there. So not assuming that, but just really seeing and being open and curious.

And then let’s say that the crying escalates. “Wow, you don’t sound comfortable here. You don’t sound too happy right now.” Whatever it is, your words don’t really matter. It’s just the fact hat you are engaging in a conversation with your baby from a calm perspective, trying not to come into this with all this trepidation. Oh, this isn’t gonna work. I’m putting her down. Oh, no, she’s gonna go crazy. Trying to put all those worries aside and just being there at the slow pace that our babies live in. They do not live in this quick world that we’re all used to.

So then let’s say the baby keeps crying, or maybe cries harder, or makes a loud noise. At that point, I would still try to do less than scooping her up, but again, very present, very responsive. Sometimes this approach is misinterpreted as you must wait for a certain amount of time and you let your baby cry and then you help them. No, we’re there right away, responding, looking at them. We’re giving them our full attention.

And then maybe touch your baby. Gently caress your babies arm or something, “Oh, wow, I hear you. I hear that.”

Next thing, I would lie down right next to the baby and let her know that she still has my attention, she still has the closeness in this position.

Then if that continues, she’s still not happy, then I would say, “Hmm.. it seems like you’re really uncomfortable like this right now, so I’m going to pick you up. Gonna give you a little break.” Or maybe asking first, even better, “Would you like me to pick you up?” Putting your hands out as you’re asking and then waiting to see. Some babies kick their feet. They kick their legs when they want to say, yes, yes, yes! But giving your baby the time for that communication, which lets your baby know that you really do see a person there, and you want to communicate, you want to hear, you want to know what’s going on. You want to be precise in your responses and not just make assumptions. You want a two way conversation.

So then, you pick your baby up. At that point, unless it suddenly occurs to you that, wow she’s actually tired, or hungry, or something else, I would just stay sitting and hold her in your lap, having a little break together.

Now if you see something that obviously indicates to you that your child wants to sit up… Sometimes what happens if babies are pulled up to sit by holding their arms and pulling them up is that they actually will kind of start to look like they’re doing a little crunch. Now, that is not the way that babies actually sit up independently. When they sit up on the floor on their own, they do from the side. So that’s not actually a way that your baby will probably ever sit up, or for a long time, definitely not in natural motor development. But if a baby does that and you feel very certain that they’re saying, Hey, I want to sit up. What’s going on with this? Usually I’m up. That’s when I would say, “Looks like you’re wanting to sit up. Yes, we had you in that position. We used to do that, and we’ve decided this way is better now but, yeah, you want to sit up. It looks like you really, really want to sit up right now.”

So, no need to shy away from that. This is how you’re going to connect with your child and let them know that I want to hear. I want to hear what you think about things. And this is a wonderful beginning for your relationship, because all the way through you’re going to hope that your child continues to tell you what they think about things, even if it’s what they know you don’t want to hear. This is when it starts. So embrace this, instead of being afraid of it. I know, most of us get afraid of these things. Try to embrace it instead. As a wonderful moment, a wonderful time for you to give your child a message that I want to hear when you don’t like things. I want to hear when you’re mad at me. I want to hear everything that’s going on. I’m not afraid. I just want to know you. I want to hear it all, and I’m still gonna make these right decisions for you, ’cause that’s my job.

So, similarly if the baby is wanting to stand up. I would do the same thing. I would say a similar thing. “Wow, it looks, wow, you really want me to pull you up like we used to. Yeah, we always did that didn’t we? That’s really hard. You really want to do that and we’re saying that we’ve decided this isn’t the right thing and that’s really tough.”

If you have this kind of conviction, such conviction that you can be relaxed about it, that’s real conviction. Conviction isn’t this tense thing that we’re holding it all together and being all serious about it. Conviction is, “Yeah, it’s tough to make these changes. We’ve asked you to do a lot here.” You know, again, the words don’t matter. Let them be your own. Let them be you communicating with your child;. Having this wonderful person to person relationship.

So if you do this consistently and stop doing the propping or the pulling up, this will be a very short-lived transition. It might take an hour. It might take one day. Again, children adapt readily, but not if we’re uncomfortable, then it’s impossible for them, because what they’re feeling is the gods are not certain about this. Wow, this is really uncomfortable. They’re not comfortable. I can’t be comfortable with this. There’s something wrong going on here. My parents are not sure of themselves. They’re looking worried.

Children are that aware, they really are. So we’ve got to be on our game in this, and I think it helps to ponder and visualize and sort of practice in our minds being in that situation before we engage in it, to kind of do a rehearsal or two in our minds. Maybe with each other if both parents are on board, and then you’ll see, you’ll get to enjoy the wonders of your child’s way of figuring out how to sit, your child’s unique process, all these wonderful in between positions and postures that disappear. I always tell parents, “Take a picture! You’re probably not going to see this position,” especially the one that I call the male centerfold position where the baby’s lying on his or her side and in that in between before sitting, actually, it’s usually right before baby sit.

And then one day you’ll get to see that moment where she sits. And it’s not some huge surprise, but there is a little look of, well, here I am! These are moments to enjoy, and these are accomplishments that build confidence in your baby, both from your end and from their end. They build confidence when they are trusted to develop this way. So there are a lot of benefits, and, yeah, it’s just a little tricky in the transition, but certainly, certainly, certainly, certainty, doable.

If you’re not aware of my website, I have an article, Sitting Babies Up – The Downside, that explains more of this in detail. I recommend that. I have a lot of other gross motor development articles on my website and again, Elevating Child Care: A Guide to Respectful Parenting, will give you a sort of introduction to this whole approach, based on trusting our children. And trust is relief. Trust means we don’t have to worry about a lot of the things we thought we had to work about as parents. We can really, really, give those to our baby. Whew, takes a lot of pressure off.

I hope this is encouraging. I hope this is helpful. Thank you so much for listening. We can do this.

The post How To Stop Sitting Your Baby Up (It’s Not Too Late) appeared first on Janet Lansbury.

This observation is made by infant specialist Magda Gerber in her video “Seeing Infants With New Eyes.” Noting the absurdity of raising children for a future that none of us can predict, Magda asks, “And then the question is, if we accept the absurdity, are there certain qualities — human qualities — that will be good for this great unknown future?”

One might not agree with Magda’s view that authenticity, inner-directedness, and what she referred to as a “realistic trust in the world” will always be useful to our children as they navigate the future. But there is one asset we can surely all agree on: problem solving. For as long as the human race exists, we can count on there being new challenges to face and dilemmas to solve. Problem solving abilities will ensure our children survive and thrive, both personally and as part of a community.

The good news: problem solving is yet another competency that our children seem to be born with, so we don’t need to teach this so much as protect and nurture it. Spend enough time observing babies and you’ll notice that they don’t expect life to be a cakewalk. They face physical, cognitive, creative, and social struggles readily when they are trusted to choose challenges for themselves. Practice breeds confidence, and here are the best ways to help children do that.

Be open to the possibilities and provide opportunities from day one

This does not mean expecting an infant to, for instance, self-soothe and then “leaving her to work it out” (a common misinterpretation of Magda Gerber’s approach). Being open to our babies means being attuned and mindfully present — really seeing them as competent individuals. It is noticing when they are working on grasping a toy or finding their thumb and then refraining from following our impulse to “help” when our intervention would defeat their process.  The key to gaining a high level of attunement is to practice sensitive observation (explained HERE). We observe and then, when in doubt, follow the magic word “wait.” We give our baby that extra moment he might need to figure out how to move his hand through the armhole of his onesie. When we wait, more is revealed.

We provide the opportunities needed for problem solving practice by slowing down to engage our babies’ participation in daily caregiving tasks and also by offering plenty of unstructured, child-directed play time. Mostly it’s about believing in each child’s unique problem solving interests and abilities, and the earlier we can do that, the better for our child.

As psychologist and author Madeline Levine explains in her New York Times essay “Raising Successful Children,” “The small challenges that start in infancy present the opportunity for “successful failures,” that is, failures your child can live with and grow from. To rush in too quickly, to shield them, to deprive them of those challenges is to deprive them of the tools they will need to handle the inevitable, difficult, challenging and sometimes devastating demands of life.”

Trust children, rather than imposing our own agendas

Allow children to address the problems that interest them rather than pushing, coaxing, testing, or creating artificial challenges. Here’s an illustration: in my set-up for one of my toddler groups years ago, I had placed some wooden puzzle pieces (the kind with the little knobs) in a bowl on a table next to the puzzle frames to which they belonged. But rather than putting the puzzle back together “correctly,” a two-year-old used the pieces in a manner I’d never have imagined possible. She carefully stacked them, balancing them on their knobs, one on top of the other, until she’d made a fragile tower of four. No more than the four would have held up, and in her experiment she seemed to recognize that. This toddler’s inventiveness and skill building could have been extinguished by an adult directing her to complete the puzzle the “right” way.

Social situations present a plethora of some of the thorniest problems to solve (many of which some of us still wrestle with as adults). Some kids are more interested in socializing then others. It’s an individual process. Siblings provide kids the benefit of a 24-hour learning lab. To help them gain confidence socially, children need our patience, trust, and consistent modeling of positive social behavior. And as with other types of problem solving, social problem solving is hindered by our adult agendas and projections (more on that HERE). When we stay of their way, our children’s solutions will often surprise us. Rachel shared her experience:

“Little win here.

My 4 year old autistic son had been carefully building an elaborate bridge with duplo.

His nearly 2 year old little brother has been feeling a bit out of sorts this morning. He charged in, and when my older son moved away from his creation, the little one stepped in and smashed it.

Don’t invest in outcomes

It’s common for children to begin working on a task or issue and then drop it or shift gears, leaving it “unfinished.” As adults we tend to be more focused on getting to the goal, whereas our children have a process that is far more open and fluid. So a supportive parent can easily find him or herself more invested than the child is in resolving an issue. This occasionally happens with parents in my classes. They remain engaged after their children have moved on and might try to gently steer them back to finishing dressing the doll or opening the jar or giving the toy to the toddler that had politely asked for it a few times (but then also moved on!). I’ve never seen this work, but it does tend to leave parents a little dissatisfied with their kids. And what I’ve learned about kids is that they know it, and that doesn’t breed confidence.

It is challenging but rewarding to release our adult agendas and simply observe as our children practice problem solving. Lisa, shared her experience:

“I watched my 14 month old daughter “put on” one sandal for 35 minutes. She tried it mostly upside down, backwards and always on the wrong foot. She was enjoying trying to put it on – she wasn’t frustrated – and didn’t need me to fix anything. After a while, she looked up at me, put the sandal in her pocket and cracked up laughing. It was so simple and beautiful.”

Intervene as minimally as possible

Magda Gerber recommended beginning with the most minimal intervention and then gradually doing more as needed. Using the example of a child stuck as she’s climbing, here are some step by step guidelines:

1. Remain calm and spot sensitively but as nonchalantly as possible so as not to invite our child to jump to us, etc.

2. Acknowledge our child’s effort and feelings, perhaps with the reminder: “I’m here to keep you safe.”

3. Give verbal direction. “Can you bend this knee (gently touching knee) and reach your other foot down a bit?” Wait to see if she can do this. If not, proceed to #4.

4. “You are having difficulty with this… I’m going to help you bend this knee and reach your leg down to this bar below.” Always be ready to let go and let the child take it from there.

5. Let’s say our child freezes or panics, still upset, which usually means she’s tired or that someone has been taking her down too soon. “This is too difficult for you right now. I hear that. I’m going to pick you up.”

Be brave

“While doing things for your child unnecessarily or prematurely can reduce motivation and increase dependency, it is the inability to maintain parental boundaries that most damages child development. When we do things for our children out of our own needs rather than theirs, it forces them to circumvent the most critical task of childhood: to develop a robust sense of self.”    – Madeline Levine, “Raising Successful Children”

Here are some inspiring videos:

First, here’s a toddler struggling to use scissors. His mom Karen shows admirable restraint!

Karen also shared a video of her daughter problem solving:

Karen explains, “At first I didn’t know what she was doing, so I just waited and watched. Then I really wasn’t sure she could get out by herself. Have you ever been in one of those foam pits? They really are hard to get out of. But I tried to not intervene and give her a chance and I was surprised how well she did. That’s my girl!”

RIE educator and child development specialist Lisa Sunbury demonstrates minimal intervention in this video from “Trusting Baby to be a Problem Solver“. She notes, “There’s no mistaking the look of pleasure and pride R. experiences when she figures out what she needs to do, and does it, all on her own, with just a little support from me.”

“Self confidence, problem solving, competence, body and spatial awareness, resilience, trust, and language development. All of these grow and are strengthened through everyday interactions like this one.”  – Lisa Sunbury

Thank you to Lisa, Rachel, Amy Jane, Karen, and Lisa Sunbury for sharing your stories and videos!

For more, please check out Magda Gerber’s books, Your Self-Confident Baby and Dear Parent: Caring for Infants With Respect

And my book, Elevating Child Care: A Guide to Respectful Parenting

(Photo by Jude Keith Rose)

The post 5 Best Ways to Raise Problem Solvers appeared first on Janet Lansbury.