Transcript of “It Had to Be You – The Struggles and Joys of Raising a Child with Disabilities (with Loryn Brantz)”

Hi, this is Janet Lansbury, welcome to Unruffled. Today I have a very special guest joining me, her name is Loryn Brantz. She’s a bestselling board book author and illustrator for children, including her latest which is It Had to Be You. She writes for a popular online website and she creates comics. She also shares uniquely uplifting posts on social media about her journey as a mom of a daughter with disabilities. I’m so touched by the beautiful faith that she has in her daughter. She embodies everything that I admire and aspire to as a parent and a person, and I know you’ll be inspired by her too.

Hi Loryn, thank you so much for being here.

Loryn Brantz:  Thanks for having me.

Janet Lansbury:  Well, as you know, I discovered you through the interview that you did with Humans of New York, which was so inspiring, and it felt like something that every parent should read and be aware of because of the attitude that you’ve developed about being a parent, and your child, and your relationship with her. So I was hoping that maybe you could start with sharing some of your story, and whatever feels important to share with another parent that might be experiencing something similar.

Loryn Brantz:  Yeah. I like to preface anything I say with, I think a lot of parents with children with disabilities will relate to this, the way I feel all the time, my life is so chaotic, you know when you wake up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom and you’re just a little like you could fall over at any moment, I feel like that all the time, so please excuse anything I say that’s a little off because I’m just almost in survival mode.

Janet Lansbury:  Well, that’s hard in itself.

Loryn Brantz:  It is, it’s a lot, but it has its benefits too. So a little bit about Dalia and how she came to be, I think I said in the interview with Humans of New York that I knew something wasn’t right, right away. I looked down and I was like, “I think my daughter has some kind of syndrome.” And everyone thought I was crazy, they were just like, “Oh, she was born a little early, so that’s what preemies look like,” and yada yada, and the pediatricians said, “She looks fine to us.”

But at the hospital, she couldn’t latch on, and I had so many ideas about what parenthood would be like and what kind of parent I would be. I was hellbent on breastfeeding, I was going to breastfeed, my baby’s going to have breast milk, that’s the plan.

And even at the hospital, there’s a point where they said, “Oh, you’re not making that much yet, we usually give the baby a little formula,” and I said, “Oh, okay, I guess that’s okay.” And then fast forward a few months later, she wouldn’t drink anything, and I was trying to, I put maple syrup in formula, because I was like, I will do anything for you to get some sort of nutrition in your body. It’s amazing the stories we tell ourselves of how things are going to be, and then how things can actually be when you experience them.

Janet Lansbury:  Yeah, and I mean, there is grief in all of those things. Even if we don’t have the kind of birth we want to have, there’s a sense of loss in those experiences.

Loryn Brantz:  Yeah, there’s an expectation, and then there’s a reality. So we got home, and a couple of days later, she was having trouble feeding and I thought, oh, I’m going to feed her in the middle of the night by myself. My husband had been helping, I had been pumping, and she choked on the milk and turned blue, actually choked on it. And then I felt like I knew something was really wrong.

But we were also in that newborn phase, and I had never had a child before so I was like, I know it’s supposed to be hard, maybe it’s just really hard. And so we started asking the pediatrician, then having breastfeeding consultants come over, and the whole thing, and as time progressed, noticing that she wasn’t really holding her head up, or this or that.

And a lot of this… I didn’t know exactly what to expect. I hadn’t even really held a baby until I had my daughter. I thought she felt floppy, but I brought her to a pediatrician and I said, “I think she feels floppy, but I haven’t really held many babies,” and he was like, “Oh, she’s just premature.” So a lot of it was chalked up to her being premature at first.

Eventually, our newborn phase was so difficult because she really couldn’t drink, and I was buying every bottle and thing on the market to try to get her to have anything, and eventually, I figured out I could get her to eat a little bit if she was half asleep in my arms. So I was rocking her 24/7, drip-feeding one ounce an hour, and there wasn’t a lot of time in between to figure out what was actually going on.

My husband was really on the hunt for what was happening, and we were hiring women to help at night because we were so tired and delirious, and this night nurse said, “This isn’t parenthood, this is torture.” And I was like, “Excuse me?” And it broke my heart into a million pieces, I really started to realize something was definitely wrong.

There was another night nurse that was so nice and she said, “You need to take your daughter to the hospital right now, just tell them she’s having seizures, and then they’ll take you in.” Because otherwise if you go in, “We think something’s wrong, but I don’t know,” you always end up with no answers. So she was like, “Just tell them she had a seizure so that they actually look at her,” and I said, “Oh, okay, I guess we really need to do this.”

So we did go to a specialist’s and they ended up sending us around town to different doctors, and we ended up at a geneticist. Stop me at any time, I feel like I’m just talking on and on, it’s a really long story.

Janet Lansbury:  No, no, no, not at all, please, just let go of that thought, this is absolutely important and helpful for parents to hear.

Loryn Brantz:  Yeah, so I think she was three and a half months when we went to the geneticist, and before this even happened we already had started early intervention because the feeding and everything was so hard, and the specialist came and was like, “Oh yeah, there’s definitely something very wrong,” and we were like, “Okay, thanks, what do we do?”

So the geneticist very quickly discovered she has trisomy 14 mosaicism, and this is something that there are only 50 cases of in the world. There aren’t really any answers.

I’ll never forget my husband, he left work early and he was crying, he said, “I have to talk to you, we just found out Dalia has trisomy 14 mosaicism,” and I was like, “Oh my gosh, is it fatal? You’re crying.” And he said, “Not that I know of.” And I was like, “Is she in immediate danger?” And he said, “No.”

And I said, “Okay, we’ll figure it out. Everything’s okay, she just has this diagnosis and we have to look into it.”

And it’s kind of mysterious. The thing about when your child is diagnosed is something that no one’s ever really seen much of before, there’s really no roadmap for it. So we went on these deep dives, my husband especially went crazy finding every person ever diagnosed on the planet, and he actually even, he got a friend’s doctor credentials to get into medical journals so he could read real medical journals about it, and everything, so he got really deep in all of that.

Meanwhile, I was just trying to keep our head above water, keep Dalia alive, do all her therapies with her. And I do attribute a lot of my blase reaction to everything… my dad has Tourette syndrome and he’s a surgeon, he’s a doctor, he’s one of only two surgeons ever to have Tourette syndrome. So in my house, big diagnoses and syndromes and stuff were never really… it’s like, oh yeah, he has Tourette’s syndrome, but I never really thought of it as a bad thing, and I figured, well, a diagnosis is a diagnosis, you just have to see how the kid actually is, and I was just eternally optimistic.

We were very lucky in that Dalia was an early smiler, so even though she didn’t crawl or lift her head or clap or talk, or this or that, she was smiling. And I just felt like, I don’t really care if she meets these milestones as long as she’s happy, and she seems happy to me.

Eventually, she started eating. I think a lot of parents with kids with disabilities would also understand that she took so long to do anything at all, like be able to lift her arms, so that when she was able to it’s so exciting, it just makes all those moments so much more thrilling. She picks up a fork and I start to cry because she’s had to work so hard to do all these things — because of the hypotonia and the muscle weakness. It’s just a really amazing thing to watch.

So anyway, she’s almost a year old and suddenly she starts growing really fast, off the charts, and something about trisomy 14 is that you’re generally small, the people that have had it are very, very small. So we’re like, what is happening? Are we missing something?

And we actually pushed the geneticist to do further testing because we felt like there was more to it, and we were right. She had Soto syndrome, and again we almost went through the whole process of discovering it and acceptance again. I was actually kind of relieved because I felt like there’s so many more people with Sotos, even though it is very rare. I immediately joined this Facebook group for Soto syndrome, and all these kids kind of look like Dalia, and it was just so nice to have a community and see the potential of how she could be and just know more about it. There’s a very wide spectrum of outcomes, you can be anywhere from just really tall and kind of odd and not great at coordination and this or that, to not able to feed or anything. So I’m just so grateful every day to have her be able to do anything.

We have a toy set where she plays with groceries and I’m like, she can bag groceries right now and she’s only two and a half! So I feel good about her future. I’ve never been the kind of person to measure success in life by the typical: money, power, whatever, so I’m happy if she’s happy and is able to enjoy life. And she seems happy and can enjoy life, so we’re just doing our thing.

Janet Lansbury:  You’ve got something that is what my mentor Magda Gerber used to recommend to every parent, which is to enjoy what your child is doing, enjoy what they’re doing right now, instead of focusing on trying to get them to do more or different. Embrace the child you have, because the messages that you give your child by doing that, and it sounds like you do it naturally, are just so healing and empowering and confidence building. It actually helps for them to do more because they don’t feel that stress coming from you around it. They don’t feel that pressure coming from us as parents.

Loryn Brantz:  That’s definitely how I was raised. I come from a family of people with delays. I walked late, I talked late, and my parents just weren’t worried, they were like, “Oh, she’s observing.” And I walk now, and I came around, so I had high hopes to not be really fixated on those sort of things when my daughter was born. Of course, after we joined early intervention I have three specialists to date coming in every day to tell me what she should be doing at any given moment, so the pressure is always on, but I try to take it in stride because I know that people can be capable of so many things, even if they get a slow start or have crazy diagnoses or syndromes.

Janet Lansbury:  Yeah, it sounds like you’re compartmentalizing that they’re just doing their job, which is to say “this is what we want to happen,” but that doesn’t mean that you have to embrace that attitude.

Loryn Brantz:  Yeah, we try to do everything we possibly can to help her reach her potential, so therapy is all day every day, I do them with her almost always, I’ve been really lucky my employer is flexible with my time, and just going with her and celebrating the little milestones that she makes.

Janet Lansbury:  Well, what you’re sharing in every way is so amazing. I told you also that I love your Instagram series on children bonding with different objects, holding onto certain random objects, and some of them are so fun, and you got submissions from all these people, right?

Loryn Brantz:  Yeah, people have just been responding with their own stories, and they’re all so cute and funny. I’m just saving them all up and going to keep sharing them. Dalia, if you give her a new object, like I remember the first time she got a kiwi, she had this huge smile on her face. She was so excited and carried it around for a day. Kids are funny.

Janet Lansbury:  Yeah, I mean, they see the beauty in things. They see the specialness in things that we just don’t. And the way that you were able to find humor and help people find humor in a way that’s so delighting in children, the fondness for them that comes through that.  Instead of that really common way to laugh about children that’s not respectful, that’s laughing at them for having strong feelings about things that we wouldn’t have strong feelings about and being upset, or laughing because we’re doing silly things to them to get a reaction. People that know me know I’m very against that stuff and I’m told I have no sense of humor when I say that that’s not okay. But what you’re doing is, to me, the opposite, it’s delighting in children. It’s seeing ourselves in them. And I think anything that helps us to relate and see the humor and that adoring laughter around them is-

Loryn Brantz:  Yeah, it’s so important to laugh with your child and not at them. I have a really clear memory from when I was a little kid. We were at the nursery at the hospital, because my dad was working there, and one of the nurses was showing me the baby, and I thought she was offering me the baby to hold, so I put my arms out, and she laughed so hard and I was so embarrassed. I remember feeling humiliated. And in retrospect, she probably just thought it was really cute and was laughing, but I think about that and I try to make sure that when I laugh at what Dalia’s doing it’s more with her and appreciating her. And I tell her that. So I’m not making fun of her, because they really, they get it, they’ll understand if you tell them.

Janet Lansbury:  They feel what you’re seeing in them. It sounds like all along you have seen her as a capable person with these disabilities. Everything I’ve seen you post shows that you see her that way. So that’s what she feels, that’s what she feels about herself, that she is a person who’s capable and can do things, and she’s just going to keep trying, and not that you’re pitying her or feeling like she can’t do it anything and you’ve got to do it all for her. That outlook is just invaluable.

Loryn Brantz:  Totally, I’ve always felt like she’s a little person and I respect her, and I talk to her the way I would talk to a friend that I respect. It’s so important to treat her kids with respect, and then they become little respectable humans.

Janet Lansbury:  Yeah, and you always hold the space for her to show you that, that she can do things, and that she’s… I don’t know, it’s hard for me to explain in words what comes across from you in the way that you see her and your relationship with her, but that’s really what I was so struck with that made me want to have you here to share with us, or just for me to spend time with you, to be honest.

Loryn Brantz:  Thank you. When I talked to Humans of New York I did not expect the huge reaction that it got at all, I was just telling our story, and I was so happy to share it. So many parents with kids with disabilities reached out to me to say it’s hard for them to put into words why people shouldn’t feel sorry for them, or this or that, and they felt like I expressed it, and it’s something they can point to. It was just so meaningful. I didn’t realize that it would be so helpful, so I’m really glad. I’m just really glad it all worked out like that.

Janet Lansbury:  Yeah, it absolutely is helpful. And this part where you said, “Everything in my life just makes it seem like I meant for this child,” that acceptance that you have of her, that’s where everything stems from for a child, that we want the child we have, we accept the child we have, and it’s not easy for most of us. Maybe it’s easier for you, but parents struggle with that. No matter what the issues are with their child. They could be a very typically developing child that just has personality issues that the parent is not happy with, maybe because it’s showing them something about themselves.

Loryn Brantz:  True, yeah. I think people have a natural level of optimism and acceptance, and I’ve been lucky to be that way. At my wedding my dad was talking about how I could take care of a pet rock. I love people and things, and I knew I would love whatever my child is like, but then meeting her in person really drove it home how everything… it just makes sense.

Janet Lansbury:  And that is the formula for happiness as a parent, that you accept and actually genuinely enjoy your child for who they are. And that we feel that way about ourselves too, which maybe has to come first, I don’t know. Or maybe it can go the other way, that our child inspires us to accept ourselves more.

Loryn Brantz:  Yeah. We’ve just been talking on my Instagram page about body positivity and how we show that to our kids, and then they can take it in to themselves. I know a lot of moms have been commenting that they accepted themselves more after having a child because you see yourself through their eyes, and my daughter doesn’t think that my pants are making me look bad, or this or that, she just wants to hug me, and I’m her squishy, warm mom. All the body stuff can get very minimized in the process of becoming a mom.

Janet Lansbury:  Yeah, I think you’re talking about what children teach us: that things that we thought maybe mattered don’t matter at all.

And then you’ve got this book! You had another book before this newest one?

Loryn Brantz:  Yes, I have a couple of baby books. Feminist Baby, my first baby board book, it’s about a feminist baby.

Janet Lansbury:  Was that before you became a mom?

Loryn Brantz:  It is, and I can tell you how I thought of it because it was a very specific moment in time also. I was looking for a baby shower present for my friend, and I went to Barnes & Noble and I asked, “Oh where’s the feminism for baby section?” And they were like, “That’s not a thing,” and I was like, oh my God. So I literally ran home and drew it and wrote it within a few hours, I was so excited.

Janet Lansbury:  Oh cool, I want to see that.

Loryn Brantz:  Yeah, and other than A is for Activist (which is an amazing book), it’s the first feminist-focused baby book ever, which I’m really proud of. And a lot of other people were looking for that, because it did pretty well.

Janet Lansbury:  And then you’ve got this book called It Had to Be You, and it’s about your experience with your daughter, right?

Loryn Brantz:  Yeah, it’s so many things, not just the journey of meeting her and how unique she is and how it felt like it had to be her, but even the process to getting pregnant. We had infertility issues. I had a miscarriage. And it’s just such a long journey to parenthood sometimes, and the way you meet your child, getting to know them, and realizing that it’s so meant to be, is what inspired it. I actually wrote it shortly after she started taking a few steps, and I was just feeling really inspired and amazed. We worked so hard to get her to be able to do that.

Janet Lansbury:  Because you were told she might not, right?

Loryn Brantz:  Oh yeah. I love her therapists. I genuinely think of them as angels sent to earth to help her, they’ve just been helping us all through the way.  But when she was really little and we were trying to get her to crawl, we were very worried parents, we’d ask, “Do you think she’ll walk?” They’d be like, “Well, I’ve seen miracles happen, so it’s possible.” That is not what I wanted to hear, but I guess it’s better than having too high expectations. But yeah, we didn’t know.

Janet Lansbury:  So then you were surprised when she actually did it on her own?

Loryn Brantz:  Yeah, the process to getting her to crawl was excruciating in a lot of ways. Therapy, it’s really hard work for the babies, and she’d be crying, and we’re really just holding her in positions, they’re not painful positions, it’s just a position she doesn’t want to be in, her arms don’t really go that direction, but just holding her arm gently in a position where she’d be screaming, and we kept having to do it until it got more comfortable.

Janet Lansbury:  So just in small doses.

Loryn Brantz:  Yeah, small doses every day. Of course, once she’s able to start doing things she’s so much happier, but the process is so exhausting. I didn’t know if she was going to crawl, it was really hard to get her even into that doggy position, but little by little. I see my friends, they post on Instagram, “Woke up and my kids crawling today,” or, “Looked over and my kids standing up,” and I’m like, wow, what does that feel like? A lot of the getting Dalia to crawl and walk was with snacks. I’d have a fanny pack with Cheerios in it and I’d be like, “If you can get to me, here’s a Cheerio,” which is not something I ever wanted to do as a parent, and it to me seemed like maybe some food issues would come up, but it was the best thing to get her moving. And she doesn’t seem to have food issues now, but she was really little, a lot littler when this happened.

Janet Lansbury:  Yeah, I think if you’re just using it for that kind of thing, you’re not bribing her to be nice to you, or anything.

Loryn Brantz:  Yeah, no, it was a very different experience.

Janet Lansbury:  Very different. But yeah, we also see our children struggling to gain those motor skills, but it’s like nothing compared to the struggle that Dalia’s had to endure. Children, it’s not that they want to be uncomfortable, but they want to push through, and sometimes there is struggle involved, but also they don’t expect life to be easy. They come in expecting whatever happens, and then that teaches them what to expect, and they can really inspire us that way, that they keep going and keep trying.

Loryn Brantz:  And her therapists were so helpful with that, we were so lucky. Her physical therapist is a very strong person. It was really hard for me as a mom to see her struggle, hear her crying, and she would just be like, “This is good for her, I promise, this is normal, this is what happens when we do physical therapy,” and a lot of times I would just hide during the sessions because I just couldn’t handle seeing her struggle.

Janet Lansbury:  Yeah, you adore her, it’s clear, you’re totally smitten with her.

Loryn Brantz:  And it’s funny, she’s done so much physical therapy and all this stuff growing up that she loves working out now, and anytime she sees anyone working out anywhere she goes over and tries to mimic what they’re doing. She loves little classes and exercises. It’s just a part of her nature because she’s so used to having to work out a bunch of times a day.

Janet Lansbury:  What’s most challenging right now?

Loryn Brantz:  Most challenging…  we just got through a bunch of health scares that were different than what we were used to, which is more neurological, motor skills, and this sort of stuff. She had TEC, which is she wasn’t making hemoglobin on her own. I did find those health scares and struggles a lot more difficult to deal with than what we’ve dealt with before. We’re always worried something’s going to come up because she has such unusual genetic makeup, and we don’t really know what to expect.

But other than that she’s doing great, she’s making oxygen again herself, so we’re really happy, and I think the health stuff is so much scarier. Even if she wasn’t able to walk, as long as it seems like she’s feeling good, that would be fine, but health danger is really scary.

Janet Lansbury:  Of course, yeah.

Loryn Brantz:  You know, this good with this bad… I think a good microcosm I could relate it to (I was just thinking about this), is like when you get a cold. I always forget what a cold feels like until I have one and then I feel like: oh my gosh, this is the worst, I should really appreciate it more when I’m feeling healthy. Parenting a child with disabilities or health problems, it’s like that. When she’s feeling good, those days are so much more meaningful and happy and exciting. I’m just over the moon just to walk with her, smiling, it just amplifies everything.

Janet Lansbury:  The gratitude.

Loryn Brantz:  Yeah, the gratitude is huge.

Janet Lansbury:  Well, I’ll be thinking good thoughts for you, and I hope we do keep in touch. I’m reminded of… I think my favorite part of your book…  you say at the end, “For every one of our wishes, for every bump along the way, now that you’re here, we’ve known all along, it had to be you.” I love that you acknowledge that it’s not easy, and there are bumps, and it’s not just all this perfect, magical-

Loryn Brantz:  Yeah. It had to be this, whatever this is, it had to be this, had to be you.

Janet Lansbury:  Yeah, and it had to be the bumps, those were part of it, not something to forget or put away or see as something we should feel bad about, you know?

Loryn Brantz:  Exactly. You know, my dad is one of my heroes, and I always thought of his Tourette’s as almost a good thing, I just think it’s amazing, I know it’s really hard on him in a lot of ways, and it’s hard in society, like people give him looks and stuff when we’re walking, but just everything he’s overcome, and the way he is, it’s kind of how I see Dalia. I see her disabilities and her uniqueness as part of what makes her so amazing and special, and anything she does is going to be even more amazing because of everything she’s had to go through to get there.

Janet Lansbury:  Wow. All right, you’re going to leave me in tears of gratitude for you, and yeah, just the beauty of you. So you take care of your beautiful family, I know you will, and it sounds like you’re all really blessed to have each other. Thank you so much for being here to talk to me today.

Loryn Brantz:  Thank you so much for having me.

Loryn’s wonderful new children’s book, It Had to Be You is available HERE. You can learn more about her at her website lorynbrantz.com. I also recommend following Loryn on Instagram and Facebook!

And please check out some of the other podcasts on my website, janetlansbury.com. There are many of them, and they’re all indexed by subject and category so you should be able to find whatever topic you might be interested in. Both of my books are available in paperback at Amazon: No Bad Kids, Toddler Discipline Without Shame and Elevating Child Care, A Guide To Respectful Parenting.  You can get them in eBook at Amazon, Apple, Google Play or barnesandnoble.com, and in audio at Audible.com. Actually, you can get a free audio copy of either book at Audible by following the link in the liner notes of this podcast.

Thank you so much for listening and all your kind support. We can do this.

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This might happen at just a few weeks old when in response to, “I’m going to pick you up,” our infant locks eyes with us and we see her ever so subtly tense her body in preparation to be lifted. In that moment, what might previously have felt like a one-way dialogue (and perhaps a bit silly) proves to be actual person-to-person communication. She’s been listening all along.

All she needed was to be spoken to directly and respectfully.

Or it might happen on the changing table when we offer (as we regularly do), “Would you like to put your hand through this hole in this sleeve?” and our 4 month old attempts and achieves this for the very first time.

All she needed was to be invited to participate.

We might be encouraged the first time our 6-month-old relaxes contentedly in our arms after a long cry. We calmed ourselves enough to be able to receive it and just listen, while intermittently acknowledging, “I hear you… Yes, that’s so hard… There was so much commotion in our house today… That must be exhausting for you.”

All she needed was to know it was okay to share and vent.

We might be inspired and bit shocked when our 12-month-old demonstrates that she completely comprehends and can even follow our directions. (As a self-respecting toddler, she might not always choose to follow them, but that’s another post.)

All she needed was for us to speak to her honestly, clearly, as we would with any other intelligent person (albeit a bit more slowly), and believe in her as capable.

And sometimes encouragement appears through far more dramatic or urgent situations, like the one Allison faced with her toddler:

Good morning Janet,

I just wanted to quickly drop you an email to say thank you for providing all the resources, inspiration, and practical advice on respectful parenting.  I have found time and time again that if I “listen to my inner Janet” life is a lot smoother with my 2.5 year old daughter and 6 month old son.  One piece of respectful parenting that has always rung true to me is the idea that kids (and adults) want to know what is going to happen to them, and as such, we always try to tell our 2 year old daughter “the plan.” Be it for the day (if someone is going to come over) or how to prepare her for something she hasn’t done before (like going on an airplane), we always talk through the plan and the details of what is going to come. Anyway, I share this because of an incident that happened earlier on this week:

My daughter was swinging in the backyard, and the swing broke and she fell and hit her head on the concrete. Scary stuff. We ended up in the ER where they recommended a CT scan.  It was a bit of a chaotic evening, and when she started throwing up because of the concussion, they tried to give her Zofran for the nausea (which was a little white pill that dissolves on the tongue).  Well, my daughter was just upset and disoriented enough that she absolutely refused to take the pill, and (I am ashamed to admit) momentarily,  we tried to hold her and poke it into the side of her mouth (which she promptly either spit out or put on the end of her tongue and stuck out her mouth).  She would not take that pill. When you are in a hospital situation where things are happening quickly and you feel out of control, it can be too easy to get sucked into a “panic mentality” and revert to trying to get a result rather than trusting that your child is a full participant in the situation. I think that mentality just made the situation worse.  After trying to force her to take the pill, I had to stop for a moment, take a deep breath, and remember that she responds so well when I respect her and trust her rather than try to force her to comply.  I stopped, looked her in the eye, and explained the little white pill would make her stomach feel better, and I needed her to take it so that she would stop throwing up and then we could give her some water (which she had been crying for).  She looked at me for a second, and then opened her mouth and we popped the pill in.

About that time, the nurse started prepping me that my daughter would need a CT scan. She warned me that most kids get freaked out about the machine and can’t hold still, so it was probable that we would need to medicate her to get the scan done.  Emboldened by the pill incident, I started immediately to tell my daughter “the plan”: That the doctors needed to take pictures of her brain, and she would need to hold still for them to get a good picture.  We talked through the table she had to lie on and the large donut shaped tube that the bed would move in and out of.  Telling her what to expect and then trusting her to understand how important it was to hold still was truly the key.

We were able to do the CT scan shortly afterwards, and she was able to hold perfectly still for the 2 minutes it took to take the scan, and both the nurse as well as the techs mentioned that she was one of the best 2-year-olds they had ever taken pictures of.

I guess I relay the story to say thank you for continuing to give me confidence to trust that my 2-year-old can do/comprehend/participate at a higher level than sometimes I give her credit for.  By trusting her to be able to participate fully and treating her with the respect that comes from that trust, she ended up having a more peaceful hospital experience (if that is possible) and hopefully she won’t be scared of the hospital if she ever needs to go back.

Thank you!
Allison

All she needed was direct, honest communication, rather than distractions, coaxing, or trickery.

All she needed was to be allowed to actively participate, rather than having procedures done to her.

All she needed were parents who believed in her, nurtured her with respect, and empowered her with the truth.

Thank you, Allison, for allowing me to share your story!

At last! I’ve created the No Bad Kids Master Course to give you all the tools and perspective you need to not only understand  and respond effectively to your children’s behavior but also build positive, respectful, relationships with them for life! Check out all the details at nobadkidscourse.com.

There’s also more on this topic in my books:

No Bad Kids: Toddler Discipline Without Shame and Elevating Child Care: A Guide to Respectful Parenting 

AND I recommend The Secret To Turning A Toddler’s “No!” Into A “Yes!” and What To Say Instead Of “NO!” – Six Ways To Gain Your Child’s Co-operation by Lisa Sunbury, Regarding Baby

Your Self–Confident Baby by Magda Gerber and Allison Johnson

Dear Parent: Caring for Infants With Respect by Magda Gerber

Pikler Bulletin #14 by Dr. Emmi Pikler

The post When We Need Our Child to Cooperate appeared first on Janet Lansbury.

“One day my older daughter, Mayo, then six, was sick with a sore throat. Our regular pediatrician was ill so Mayo suggested I call a schoolmate’s mother who was a doctor. In those days physicians made house calls, so Dr. Pikler came to our home to examine Mayo. When I opened my mouth to speak, Dr. Pikler waved her hand indicating for me to be silent. Then she asked my little girl when her throat started feeling sore and how she felt now. My child answered so intelligently, so politely that I was surprised. The doctor then asked Mayo if she wanted to “look in her (the doctor’s) throat,” and afterward she asked permission to look in Mayo’s throat. “Open your mouth wide,” she told my daughter, “and I won’t have to use the tongue depressor.” She then told Mayo to go to her room so she could talk alone with me.

The cooperation Dr. Pikler elicited was so striking that I decided to ask her to become our pediatrician. What struck a deeper chord was the realization that she related to children in a more honest, respectful manner than I’d ever seen. After meeting Dr. Pikler, I raised my third child, a son, from birth following her ideas.

This encounter was the beginning of a long, fruitful collaboration between Dr. Pikler and me.”

As Magda discovered though Dr. Pikler (who became her mentor), the secret to eliciting our children’s cooperation is to respectfully include them in the activity. Through the years that she studied and worked with Dr. Pikler, Magda observed that this “secret” applies to infants, newborns, and even preemies, because the tiniest infant is already an aware human being. She recognized that from birth children are ready to be invited to participate actively in life and in a person-to-person relationship with us. However, this cannot happen unless we first take the leap of believing in them and beginning a partnership of trust.

We nurture our bond of trust by communicating with our babies throughout every activity that directly affects them: each diaper change, feeding, and bath; down to the details, like, “I am going to pick you up now… are you ready?”  We invite active participation by asking, “Can you please lift your bottom so that I can move this diaper under it?” And then waiting a few moments for a response. If our child doesn’t seem able yet, we might say, “Okay, I will gently lift you…” Children feel the respectful intention in our offer. We are opening the door.

Like all of us, our children are far less inclined to cooperate graciously when things are being done to them rather than in partnership with them. Invitations to participate actively in an experience to the extent of their abilities are profoundly empowering, particularly at this early time of life when a child’s power in the world is severely limited.

There is no time more crucial for gaining cooperation than when our children’s health depends on it, and it is in these situations that offering respect and autonomy can go a very long way.  Here are four stories that illustrate the power of respect and inclusion:

An end to WrestleMania (Sheny’s story):

I wanted to share a success story… So my son had an ear infection which required some oral antibiotics. In the past, that would mean me tackling him and putting him in a headlock, which would leave him upset. Eventually he figured out how to spit the medicine out. After reading your book, I decided to try a little more respectful approach. I announced to him that it was time for medicine — would he prefer to take it now or later? He just said “No.” So I said, “Okay, we can wait 5 minutes, but we have to take it then.” 5 minutes later I still had to tackle him, but the next day I repeated, “You have to take your medicine. Would you like to take it now or later?” Again, he said, “No.” So I said, “Okay, I’ll just put it here and you can take it when you want.” To my surprise, he took the medicine on his own! Now if I ever need to give him anything like that I just ask him if he would like to do it himself, and he always does. Sometimes I have to wait a bit before asking again, but no more WrestleMania episodes. Thank you so much!

A sense of control helps save face (Bethany’s story):

I just found your FB page a few weeks ago, but I wanted to share a mini success. My son, who turned 3 today, has pink eye, so we have to give him an eye drop on each eye three times per day. He hates them, and our “brute force” method, which we have used for a previous round of pink eye, left us all traumatized. Tonight, I laid him down and told him I wouldn’t do the drops until he was ready. He could cover his eyes as long as he wanted, and when he was ready, he could count “1, 2, 3,” and then I would do one eye. He didn’t trust me at first, but after about a minute, he moved his hands and then started the count. After he survived the first eye with no crying, he had trust and confidence to do the second. Giving him some control changed everything. I have only read a few weeks’ worth of posts, but I can already see this changing some of our most challenging moments. Thank you!

Maybe NoseFrida doesn’t suck after all (Stephanie’s story):

So excited this morning! My 15 month old daughter and I have been struggling with 2 things: diaper changes, and the snot sucker (NoseFrida) that is required with this nasty cold she has. Both activities usually involve a lot of screaming, tears, and attempts to flee, leaving both of us very frustrated. Well, I’ve really been working on preparing her before one of these events need to occur and offering her choices: “Who should I use the nose sucker on first? Raccoon (her favorite stuffed animal) or you?” She always tosses her raccoon at me and watches closely as I use the NoseFrida on him. Then the most amazing thing happened… She stood still, let me use it on her and actually SMILED afterwards!!!! No fleeing or tears. This has happened twice this morning. I’m so relieved that we are both feeling more confident and secure with each other. Diaper changes are looking similar, and I am excited to tackle new challenges as they occur. THANK YOU!

Why didn’t you just say that the first time?!? (Tova’s story):

We had a success story tonight that I’d like to share: my son decided he didn’t want any medicine, and last night in desperation we tried to squirt it into his cheek. He spit it everywhere, and it was just horrible.

Today we talked about the medicine and how it makes us feel better, and we talked about how everyone takes medicine when they are sick. Amazingly, he willingly took it and smiled. It’s so easy when it’s late and you feel pressured to forget that those few moments it takes to be calm and discuss things with your child make such a huge difference.

Later, when I asked Tova if I could share her story, she replied: “Absolutely! It worked so well that he asked for medicine even after he got better!”

To learn more about this respectful approach, check out these resources:

Your Self–Confident Baby by Magda Gerber and Allison Johnson

Dear Parent: Caring for Infants With Respect by Magda Gerber

The RIE Manual

Pikler Bulletin #14 by Dr. Emmi Pikler

My books: Elevating Child Care: A Guide to Respectful Parenting and No Bad Kids: Toddler Discipline Without Shame (both available on Audio)

http://regardingbaby.org

http://magdagerber.org

The post The Secret to Helping Kids Take Medicine (Without a Spoonful of Sugar) appeared first on Janet Lansbury.

In previous posts, I have shared the powerful benefits of Magda Gerber’s magic word wait. Another of Magda’s core recommendations that I’ve found to be magically effective is prepare.

We might experience the power of prepare by informing our two- week- old infant that we will pick her up, pausing for the moment she needs to take this in, then noticing her stiffening her body, readying herself to be lifted.

We might realize that our baby is more welcoming of grandpa’s firm hugs and grandma’s robust laughter when we’ve prepared her with these details before their visit. Or perhaps we discover that our toddler son willingly leaves the park, or actually enjoys going to the doctor or dentist when he knows the drill (painful pun not intended).

We might wonder if we’re being pranked when, for the first time ever, our toddler bounds into bed and drifts happily off to sleep, because tonight we tried talking him through his nighttime routine step by step in advance: When you are finished with your dinner, you’ll have some time to play. Then we’ll have bath time and then PJs. I’ll get the leg holes ready and you can jump into them! We’ll brush teeth together. Then you’ll choose two books for us to read. We’ll sing a song, say prayers, and then I’ll pick you up so you can turn off the light. Then I’ll give you the softest kiss and hug and we’ll say goodnight. You’ll have a lovely rest and I’ll look forward to seeing you in the morning.

When we take the time to prepare our child, we’re likely to note joyful recognition in her expression when her predictions about even the most mundane (to us) events come true. “I knew this would happen!”

Preparing our children…

Encourages them to actively participate in life and their relationship with us, feel included

Empowers, builds confidence and a sense of security, eases fear

Helps them accept and even look forward to new, challenging, uncomfortable or seemingly unpleasant situations and transitions

Teaches language organically and respectfully, because we’re using words that are authentic, pertinent, and meaningful to our babies

Enriches experiences, heightens learning

Builds connection, trust, the sense that we’re in this together 

Paves the way for cooperation and success

Gina shared a story that illustrates…

Hi Janet,

Thank you so much for everything you have taught me about parenting my child in a respectful manner. I have a question that might have a simple answer: Is it good to prepare a toddler with expectations?

I have a 13-month-old girl who is quite inquisitive, which I’m thrilled about. She, of course, wants to touch everything when we go out. Today we were at a coffee shop which was selling mugs and other breakable things. As we walked in, I got down on her level and said, “There are many things in here that could break if you touch them. You can look at everything, but I will not let you touch them. If you touch things, I will stop you from doing so.” And with that, she went off to walk around as she pleased, touching only two or three things in the 90 minutes we were there. And she did not get upset when I physically stopped her from touching them. I wonder, though — am I disciplining her on the front end and stifling her curiosity, or am I setting expectations in a situation that might set her up for failure?

Again, thank you so much for showing me a different way to parent!

Best,

Gina

Hi Gina,

Not only is this good, it’s GREAT! And highly recommended. You are definitely not stifling your daughter’s curiosity (as you might be if you were directing or limiting her play). You are helping her to succeed in these situations, which is what both of you want her to do. Well done!

Warmly,

Janet

***

I share more magical parenting tools in my books:

 Elevating Child Care: A Guide to Respectful Parenting and

No Bad Kids: Toddler Discipline Without Shame

(Photo by Esparta Palma on Flickr)

The post Another Parenting Magic Word (And 7 Ways It Works) appeared first on Janet Lansbury.

The first time I witnessed someone talking to a baby respectfully – just like any other ‘real’ person — I thought it truly bizarre. I got used to it, though, and now I hope someday it will seem illogical to everyone not to treat babies this way.

The note below greatly encouraged me. It’s from a nurse working in Neonatal Intensive Care who has begun implementing Magda Gerber’s RIE philosophy in the nursery and is already marveling at the results of her efforts to:

1. Communicate with babies, especially to prepare them for the things that will happen to them.

2. Give babies undivided attention during caregiving activities (feedings, diapering, etc.)

3. Be a play “follower”, allowing babies to initiate activities and interactions.

Hi Janet,

I found your site several months ago.  While I’m not yet a parent, my spouse and I have been trying for a little one for over a year. What Magda Gerber said (and what you re-iterate and illustrate through real life examples) resonates with me deeply, and we have applied RIE principles already towards each other — to practice, and because I have an incredibly difficult time expressing myself.

I am also an NICU nurse at the highest level nursery in the province I live in. We take the smallest and sickest babies from all over the province.  My job is incredibly rewarding, sad, challenging and often full of joy (and tears, frustration, etc).  I started ruminating on how to apply RIE to my job, and if it would even be successful, considering the incredible turn-over rate we have between nurses caring for each baby.

Turns out, it actually works pretty well! Your recent posts about how to communicate with a child who ABSOLUTELY DOES NOT WANT SOMETHING were incredibly helpful, considering we poke and prod and cause a lot of pain in the tiny patients.

There are some principles of RIE which I have modified to fit with our NICU requirements.  For example, babies in NICU have little to say (or are unable) to express their needs for food. They are given a regulated amount of nutrition to satisfy caloric requirements so they can grow, heal and go home.  We feed babies on a routine schedule (either every 2 or every 3 hours), usually via a small tube that is placed in their nose and feeds into their tummies (since at 1200g, most babies lack the energy to take enough calories by oral feeding, and they are usually on some kind of breathing support which does not allow oral feeding for safety/logistical reasons).  Diapers, temperatures and assessments are done around these feeding schedules, which often interrupt a baby’s sleep schedule.  This is a hard part, because the tiny ones do not wake in response to hunger anyways!

There has also been repeated research to show that talking to premies activates the part of their brain that processes sound and develops language at the right rate, and that delayed language acquisition in this population is a bigger problem than initially thought.  By using RIE, I am talking to babies, talking them through procedures, diapers, temperatures, turns, weights, moving, EVERYTHING.  I’m nattering at the impossibly tiny babies all day long (because I have more than 1 at a time).  It’s exhausting, but even since starting I have noticed a small difference!

The biggest change I have noticed is that I am calmer, especially when confronted with a screaming and inconsolable baby at 3 am, who has done nothing but fuss all day long and is clearly exhausted and uncomfortable.  While it’s not perfect and I have my moments of wanting to pull my hair out, it’s a good change (and walking away from some of these babies is impossible, as is letting them cry, as their lungs are too damaged to tolerate crying).

I am more present while bottle feeding babies, and encourage the parents I work with to BE PRESENT when feeding/changing.  It’s hard not to have your heart melt with the little one you’ve watched grow from 600g into a 4kg hunk of baby look up at you with shining eyes as he swiftly and calmly learns to breastfeed and bottle-feed.

In the diaper changes with the babies, the most marked changes I see are with the baby I deal with every single shift, my “primary”.  He is the first one I’ve applied RIE to, so he’s sort of my guinea pig!  He’s much, much, much calmer during temperatures (which all babies hate with a passion and scream about).

His attention span is pretty fantastic for the most part, although now that he’s big enough to pick up, his parents rarely put him down, which I totally understand, since they only got to hold him for an hour a day for the first 10 weeks of his life.  Most of our babies have great attention spans, since they are left to their own devices and really only attended to if they need something.

This was fully demonstrated to me when I went to visit another former primary who was in NICU for 4 months and very nearly died at birth.  She’s got some chronic issues from her condition, and I went upstairs to the pediatric ward to visit her when she was last in the hospital. Now at 18 months, she’s a vivacious, amazing toddler with some serious attitude.

I was horrified to discover that peds staff (nurses, doctors, etc) don’t actually talk TO the baby, just to the parents, and then wonder why the toddler screams bloody murder during assessments!!!  Yeesh!  I chatted WITH the baby, told her I was just there to see her, followed her game of playing with cups, and she let me into her personal bubble and even snuggled up to me for a quick hug (her choice, and her mother’s jaw was on the floor, since she’s really not a snuggly kid — she’s far too interested in being independent than cuddling).  That incident cemented RIE as the way to go in my professional practice.

So, thanks for putting everything out there.  I really appreciate it, especially getting to apply Magda’s principles to an environment where babies lack control over absolutely everything in their lives.  While they may not get a choice about their feeding schedules, where they are, the noise they are exposed to, who looks after them, etc, I do what I can to make small changes!

Sincerely,

Elizabeth, BSN, RN

Nurse Elizabeth, thank you so much for all you do!

Learn more about the power of respectful care in my book, Elevating Child Care: A Guide to Respectful Parenting

(Photo by didbygraham on Flickr)

The post Healing Babies With Respect – 3 Small Changes That Foster Confidence And Trust appeared first on Janet Lansbury.

After Mama S. shared this wonderful account of her 14 month old son’s progress playing independently, I was taken aback when she added that her capable baby explorer is “almost blind” and will be having surgery soon. She then asked:

“Do you have any tips on how to talk a child through surgery? I am nervous. I bought a picture book (Curious George Goes to the Hospital) and I tell a story about using the pictures, but altered for his age and condition. We talk about how his eyes are and how they will feel better after his surgery and that he will be able to see much, much better. But I don’t know what else to do. I know that they will have to do things to him and he will fight them tooth and nail because, of course, he is so used to his bodily autonomy being respected and he is so fiercely autonomous. I do not want the surgery and recovery to traumatize him. Can you help me, especially with the language I can use in the hospital when they have to do necessarily difficult things to him?”

I could think of no one better to advise Mama S. than blogger Nadine Hilmar. Not only is Nadine deeply committed to respectful care for babies, she’s been there… Her son had heart surgery when he was only 6 months old.

Thank you, Nadine, for your graceful, thoughtful and tender response…

Dear Mama S,

First of all, I’d like to tell you how wonderful I think it is that you are approaching the surgery with so much care and love. I won’t lie to you – it will be a hard time – but if your son knows that you are there with him – it will be ok.

How do I know? My son (who is now 2) was born with a heart defect and needed open-heart surgery at the age of 6 months. It is fair to say that these were the hardest moments I have been through in my life. But when I look back I am also feeling some warm relief. It had to be done. It saved his life. It glued us together as a family.

Now I don’t know how old your son is, but one thing applies for all ages – be honest. Tell him everything you know. Ask the doctors what exactly they will be doing, how he will get his anesthetics and what will happen afterwards. Talk him through it as much as you can. This will not just help him – it’ll help you as well. Because it will make you find words for the worst that is on your mind. And that’s healing.

If he is old enough to talk and mention his fears – let him talk. We are often scared that we create nightmares in our children’s minds by talking about those things too long in advance. The truth is that it gives them (and us) time to deal with those scary emotions. Acknowledge his fears and respond honestly. Don’t try and shrink them by scaling them down. It’ll come back to you afterwards, because it will be painful to some extent. And you know that now.

Once you are in hospital – be only with him. Make sure you are not alone. Have someone to do the administrative stuff for you. Stay with your son and focus on him. Whatever they are doing to your boy, just focus on him. As much as you can, try to shut the people around out.

They might ask you to hold him and fix his arms or legs when they need to take blood or set the intravenous injection. He will not like that. Neither will you, but it has to be done and here is what you can say to him: “Now this will hurt. But it is important so the doctors can examine your blood (or send you off to sleep so you won’t feel anything during the surgery). You can scream as loud as you want. That’s ok. I’m with you.” If he screams and fights – repeat “You are scared. You can scream. That’s ok. I’m here.”

It might be difficult at first, especially if you have doctors around that aren’t that sensitive or patient. But you will get used to it and this honesty and acknowledgment will have a calming effect on you too.

Don’t look at your son as this poor little person that needs help. Try to look at him as someone who is scared as much as you are and you both have to go through this together.

Whatever they do to him – tell him, before, all the way through, and after. It is all you can do. He needs to know what is going to happen. Then during the examinations you can say “Now this is what I talked to you about earlier…” And afterwards you can tell him “This was really hard for you. You got really angry (scared) and you were right about it.”

There is no magic line that will make him cooperate silently. He just needs to know that his fears and pain are seen, accepted and not denied.

The recovery depends on how intense the surgery is I guess. Our son got some really strong sedatives when they transferred him to ICU and then soon they had to slowly withdraw him from them like a drug addict. This had really nasty side effects such as being very nervous and restless which resulted in sleepless days and nights. He wasn’t allowed much food either, so on top of that he was very hungry. It was quite hard for all of us (especially with impatient nurses around) and here he needed lots of love and care. All I could do was just stroke him and talk to him. I couldn’t even hold him because he was hooked onto monitors, drains and wires.

So do ask the doctors about the exact procedure. It will sound terrifying, but the more you know the better. I even read parents’ reports of their experiences with pictures of their children right after surgery. It was hard to look at those, but then when we went to see our son after his surgery I wasn’t THAT shocked. I knew what to expect and had energy left to be there with him.

Now you said that you don’t want the surgery or recovery to traumatize your son. I guess this is the greatest fear of all. I don’t know if and what exactly the surgery has done to my son yet. But I know for sure that it shook him up massively. We left the hospital a week after surgery, then had to go back again because of some bad fever, and after we left for good I could not leave him anywhere for even a minute. He needed me more than ever. I was not used to this because he wasn’t such a clingy baby and now suddenly he would breastfeed every hour, wake up constantly and cry A LOT.

This lasted for two weeks until we had the final talk with the head of pediatric cardiology about the whole surgery and recovery. I took our son with me and it was as if he had needed to ask all my questions too, as if he needed all those answers to relax and gain trust again. So whatever happens in hospital – make sure you know all about it. Get all the information you need to recover yourself too. If you are uneasy he will not be able to calm and recover in your arms.

Once it’s all over – again: relax. And then keep working on it. Don’t stop right there. To make sure he won’t be traumatized, tell him about the surgery afterwards as well: what happened, how you experienced his emotions, how you felt. Go back to the hospital with him, show him where you were (pediatrics, ICU etc.) and talk through it all again. Not straight away, but over the years. The smell, the noises – all this gets somehow soaked up in our unconscious and might pop up at night when we’re asleep. If you take your son back to the hospital every now and then while he grows up it will help him to place those noises, the smell or the aura that might scare him at night.

I guess he will have regular checks afterwards – they will help bring the topic on the table and talk about it.

Trauma gets worse when emotions and experiences sink into the unconscious, are denied and left alone. Make sure that doesn’t happen. Then he won’t be traumatized.

A friend of mine gave me some great advice as well: Use pen and paper as tools for communication. Draw the hospital. Tell him why you are going there. Give him a pen to so he can react to it (and he might!). See how this goes and you might be able to use it as a tool all the way through.

Books are also great. Maybe you could get a Curious George stuffed toy to take so then he really is in hospital with him. Everything.

And no matter how scary this all sounds right now. You will gain strength. When you think you might fall apart you will suddenly have energy from out of space. Believe me.

I wish you all the best and a fast recovery.

Warm wishes from Vienna,
Nadine

Nadine, thank you again with all my heart.

Mama S, you and your boy will be in my thoughts and prayers.

Nadine Hilmar is a parent educator and family counselor in training. She shares her insights and parenting experiences at A Pikler Experience and also at Mamas in the Making (the blog she shares with friend and fellow Pikler /Gerber enthusiast, Anna Banas´)

(Photo by CeeKay on Flickr)

The post Infant Surgery – Giving Babies Respect When They Need It Most (Guest Post by Nadine Hilmar) appeared first on Janet Lansbury.

I wrote to you last fall with a question about my then-1-year-old and our issues with bath time. Your advice was great, and we got over that hurdle, but I’m hoping you can share your experience and insight with me in another area.

My daughter is now close to 2 and a half, and a daily vitamin has always been a part of our routine without any problems. For the past few months, she refuses to take the vitamin, and after a period of several days without her taking it, we gave it to her while holding her down and trying to get it into her mouth. It’s awful for everyone involved. We try giving choices about when and how she drinks it and offering her a “treat” if she drinks it on her own, but none of that works. 

Recently, we took a break from the vitamin — I figured we were in a rut and she had such negative associations with it, plus I felt that a few weeks off wouldn’t hurt. We tried reintroducing it this week, and it’s the same scenario: complete refusal, pleas from her father and me to do it on her own, and a really awful time forcing it on her. She’s now on an antibiotic, and we’re in the same predicament. The antibiotic is necessary, so we (her father and I) really feel like we’re out of options.

It breaks my heart to have to do something so against her will every day — any advice on what to try?

Many thanks,

Lindsay

Hi Lindsay,

Here are my thoughts…

The vitamins and the antibiotics are different in that one is a “soft rule” — you’d like her to take them but it’s not vital (correct?) — and the other is a necessity. I would not force her to take the vitamin.

In both cases, our emotions, especially worries, frustration, fear, anger or panic, can only get in the way and make matters worse. Be careful not to plead. Pleading makes children feel uncomfortably powerful and creates guilt. Instead, project confidence and remember that you and your husband are the leaders.

With soft rules it helps to let go of our agenda, which is acutely perceived by our child and the reason bribes, treats and distractions don’t usually work, at least not for long. Children are much smarter and more aware than we give them credit for.  So try backing off and giving her more autonomy. Sometimes it’s just about opening our minds a little to new things our child might be capable of doing. There are such a wide variety of fun, child-friendly multi-vitamins in all different colors and shapes. Could she go to the store with you and pick out her vitamins? Then you might ask her in a very relaxed manner each morning, “What color vitamin would you like today?” Hand her the one she chooses, and leave it at that. If you back off she will have “room” to decide to take her vitamin.

Do you give her desserts? If so, the only respectful and logical consequence you might consider would be to say in a calm, honest, matter-of-fact (never scolding) manner, “I won’t be able to give you dessert today if you can’t take your vitamin”.  Since sweets weaken the body, that would make perfect sense to you and to her (although she’ll still complain about it).

The antibiotics fall into the “insist upon” category, and your issue presents an important idea for parents to understand. It’s a parenting scenario most of us have to work hard to feel comfortable with…a pill to swallow (as it were).

Parents were invented because we know better and can therefore guide and care for our children. Acting with our experienced adult judgment will mean doing things against our child’s will. This is especially true during the toddler years, because our children are deeply involved in the healthy and thrilling process of discovering their will for the very first time. They begin to realize that they have a “self” that is separate and different from ours, and they are figuring out all that means and how it works. So when you see situations like yours from the child’s perspective, allowing a child to have her way all the time is…well…letting her down, because to fully explore and understand her will she has to want something different from what you want.

So, rather than feel heartbroken, embrace a positive mindset. Project calm, complete conviction and say to yourself (and maybe even to your child): “I have an extremely special and wonderful child, so I must be the very best parent. That means gently forcing certain issues even though my child cries. It means being empathetic and supportive of my child’s upset feelings, but not feeling guilty or heartbroken, because I’m being an awesome, brave and loving mom.”

This mindset actually prevents us from reaching our “breaking point” and losing our temper, because we are coming from a place of strength, love and honesty. It’s when we try to force the issue from a tense, fearful place or use up our energy and patience on fruitless efforts like coaxing, distracting, pleading or otherwise dancing around the issue that puts us over the edge.

Give her choices about how and when to take her medicine if you can, but if she still refuses you’ll have to insist as gently as possible. Hold her close afterwards if she wants you to and tell her you’re sorry she had to do something she didn’t want to do. But don’t pity her.  You’ve just given your daughter a precious gift and she knows it…the assurance that she matters so much that you’ll risk bearing the brunt of her feelings to kindly do what’s best for her.

Warmly,

Janet

(I share more about encouraging cooperation in No Bad Kids: Toddler Discipline Without Shame)

(Photo by rreihm on Flickr)

The post Going Against A Toddler’s Will (A Tough Pill To Swallow) appeared first on Janet Lansbury.

I have a 3 year old daughter (going on 4 in March) named Julia. Two weeks ago, she was diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes. She was hospitalized for a few days. We are all having a very hard time here at home.

The hospital stay was traumatic. Julia was being poked and prodded almost every hour, she cried each time. At one point she cried out, “I never even hurt anyone. Please don’t hurt me. It’s not fair.” Now here we are at home and we continue to poke her, give her shots.

I have been following your articles for some time now and I have always tried to be a respectful mom, working with my daughter, listening to her feelings, letting her do things when she is ready.

What we now have to do to keep her alive and healthy, I feel, affects our relationship. Waking her up during the night to check her and give her a shot. We do this about 6 times a day, twice at night. She often says, “Please don’t hurt me.” or “I’m not going to eat today.” Trying to get her to eat is stressful, whereas before all this, if she wasn’t hungry, I wouldn’t push her to eat. Now, she has to eat at a somewhat timely manner, especially if we have given her insulin for the food she is about to eat.

We are all tired. I feel worried and stressed all the time and I keep struggling with ways to explain things to her in a way that she will understand, but not scare her. She cries each time we have to check her blood sugar and give her a shot.

Do you have any advice for me as to how to deal with ALL of this? How can I still be respectful of her and her feelings even though there are so MANY things that she now has no control over? Do you have any thoughts on how to explain illness to a young child?

Any thoughts would be appreciated.

Kindly,
Elizabeth

Hi Elizabeth,

Your letter overflows with sensitivity, respect and passionate love for your daughter. I can’t express in words how sorry I am for the pain and suffering your family is going through. My heart goes out to you. But it sounds to me like Julia is in very good hands.

Julia is being forced to face one of life’s truths earlier and more harshly than most of us do…life isn’t fair. Unfortunately, you can’t shield her from that truth, so the best thing to do, I believe, is to acknowledge it. “Yes, this hurts and it’s uncomfortable and it’s not fair at all, and we don’t know why this illness has happened to you, but we love you so much and we will all get through this.”

When you must do things like shots and feedings, acknowledge her feelings, but come from a platform of strength… “I know you’re upset about the shot and I’m sorry you have to have it. You are our wonderful, beautiful, lovable daughter and we must take the best possible care of you and keep doing everything we can to help you get better.”

This situation is stressful for you and for Julia, but I don’t believe it will negatively impact your relationship at all. Not if you continue being honest. In fact, I think this experience will bring you even closer.

The challenge is to acknowledge all of her uncomfortable feelings and allow her to have them to the hilt without letting them crumble you. We all have this challenge with toddlers — with any intimate relationship, actually — allowing the other person to have his or her feelings without “taking the feelings on” and absorbing them. Let yourself break down as much as you need to when you are alone with your husband or friends, but try to distance yourself emotionally when Ava is crying about shots and discomfort. I know it’s hard to do, but she needs to bounce her feelings off of you, express them freely without it worrying, panicking or upsetting you. And when Julia senses you are upset and worried, the shots, the eating, everything will be much, much harder for her.

“How can I still be respectful of her and her feelings even though there are so MANY things that she now has no control over?”

You can be respectful of Julia and her feelings if you allow her feelings to be her feelings and let them be all over the place while you assure her, “You are the most special girl and therefore we must do the most excellent job caring for you.”  Tell her this and say it to yourself. It will keep you focused and give you strength when doing an excellent job means doing lots of things she doesn’t like or want. All parents deal with this dynamic to some extent. Take a deep breath, calm yourself, and tell her that you know she’s not hungry, but that she must eat a bite or two. Stay confident. This is being the best possible parent, the strong, brave, loving leader every child needs.

To help give her a sense of control, keep thinking of care she can do for herself and choices she can make about the food, the insulin checking, the shots, etc. There may be things she can do or choose that haven’t occurred to you.

Honestly, when I first read your email, I felt a little overwhelmed and unequipped to advise you. I had planned to ask you first if you’d like me to forward your note to a RIE mom/therapist friend of mine. Once I started writing, I had more to say than I had thought! But I am happy to send this to my friend to give you more support. Please let me know if you would like that.

And PLEASE keep in contact with me… You’ll be in my thoughts and prayers.

With Love,                                                                                                                                                                                          Janet

I took the liberty of forwarding Elizabeth’s note to my friend and associate, Marriage and Family Therapist Miven Trageser who kindly shared her insights and advice, the gist of which (I was relieved to see) was in sync with mine…

Miven wrote: “If possible, your ability to say, ‘I know it hurts and I’m here,’ will be validating and empowering…”  Also: “I would recommend keeping it very simple with explanation for her, keeping it very matter of fact, and conveying a calm sense of authority around what needs to be done. Getting your own feelings out elsewhere will probably help support you in doing this and being this bastion of strength and certainty for her, like acknowledging the pain that she feels from the shots, but reminding her that it is fleeting.”  (Thank you, Miven!) 

A few days later, Elizabeth responded:

Janet,

I want to thank you so very much for all that you wrote.  For being so thoughtful and understanding.

I am sorry I did not respond sooner, but on top of everything else going on, Julia has been sick this week with a bad cold and now I am sick!  Ahhhh….  fun.  

I so, so, so appreciate the support that I have gotten from you and your friend Miven.  I can use all the support I can get right now.

I was blown away by your email.  Thank you so much for your wonderful thinking.  I originally wrote to you because I respect you and I know that you truly get children.  I read your articles every day.  

One of the things that you talked about that is very important for me right now, is not to take on Julia’s feelings. It is so hard to see your child suffer.  And because of the hospital stay and the shock of finding out she has diabetes; I think I just felt so overwhelmed.  So, that is something I need to remember, that she can cry about the shots, etc and that I can just listen to her.  And then have my feelings about it later on (which I haven’t done much up to this point!).

I will write again and keep you posted.  For now I just wanted to say, THANK YOU!

Kindly,                                                                                                                                                                                            Elizabeth

 P.S. We are being seen by an endocrinologist and have help from the medical side of all this. What I found lacking was the emotional side, which was why I contacted you!  Every day it gets a little bit easier.   

(Photo “Mummy will make it better” is by gemsling on Flickr.)

The post Coping With A Child’s Illness appeared first on Janet Lansbury.

When I began attending RIE parenting classes as a new mom, I adopted the habit of  telling my baby what was happening to her, and what was about to happen.  I told her that I was going to pick her up, place her on a changing table, or do anything that involved her, before I did it. I learned that babies crave predictability. They like the teensy bit of control they feel when they can anticipate what will happen next. It makes their world feel a little less overwhelming and more secure to know, for example, that after bath time they will put on pajamas, hear a lovely song, and then be carried over to help draw the shades before being placed in their bed.  Babies like to be included in a process, to participate as much as possible, even if it just means being informed about all that is happening to them.

When babies are treated with this kind of respect, they are surprisingly cooperative, because they are aware and engaged.  But when we scoop a baby up without a word, or distract her with a toy to get a diaper changed quickly, we discourage her involvement, and make her feel manipulated into compliance, rather than feeling like a partner in an intimate activity.  Even though babies cannot speak, they are whole people, capable of participating actively in a relationship with us, and in their lives. The sooner we honestly take them in and invite them to join us, the sooner they will.

When my baby was around twelve months old, I prepared her for the doctor’s office in advance.  I talked to her at home on the morning of our appointment, told her where we were going and what would happen there.  I told her about the scale, the stethoscope, about the doctor looking into her eyes with a light, feeling her belly and looking into her mouth.  And if I had thought she was getting a shot that day, I would have told her about that too, and right before she was injected I’d warn, “This may hurt or sting.”

When my daughter and I arrived at the doctor’s office she had been hearing all about, I could sense her eager anticipation, and when the doctor finally came into the examining room, she was quiet, attentive, breathlessly waiting for all her predictions to be fulfilled.

Unfortunately, this well-meaning doctor launched into a comedy/magic routine,  whizzing that little pen light all over like a firefly in his attempt to distract, telling her, “I see a birdie in your ear!”, and then sneaking in the peaks he needed for his examination. My baby was nonplussed.  I moderated.  I told her what the doctor was actually doing, so that she could stay involved and at least mentally participate as much as possible. He is a fine physician, but has a common view about children — that they cannot be trusted with the truth and need to be tricked and entertained to distraction for him to get his job done.

Happily, my daughter enjoyed her first doctor’s office experience enough to want to go back.  She reacted with similar interest to wearing a giant bib at the barbershop and feeling the snip-snip of scissors cutting her hair, and she always looked forward to the dentist, even though she had to keep her mouth open for a long, long time.

No question my children appreciate a lollipop, a new toothbrush, or an “I have great teeth” sticker.  But I came to the conclusion a long time ago that the honest preparation that led to their active involvement in those early experiences with the doctor, dentist and hairstylist is the reason my children still like going.  Or, maybe they’re just weird kids.

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