Transcript of “3 Steps To Help Children Dress Independently”

Hi. This is Janet Lansbury. Welcome to Unruffled. Today I’m going to be responding to a note I received from a parent who’s concerned because she wants to help her son to dress himself more independently. She feels they’ve been helping him a little too much and she’s not sure about some of the steps in the process.

Here’s the note I received:

“I’ve been reading as much of your information as quickly as I can because I see my children responding so well to your advice. My current issue has to do with my three-year-old. As a matter of convenience, his dad and I have helped him get dressed every day by literally dressing him. It didn’t occur to us that he should have been doing more a long time ago. We just did it out of habit. I know he’s capable of most of the tasks of getting dressed. For instance, he can put his pants on, but still struggles greatly with the buttons.

So I’ve taken a huge step back and now make sure to allow ample time for him to do what he can independently. I’m always there for empathy and support, but I want him working through the frustrating parts of what he can do. I’ve tried finding an answer in the things you’ve written but I’m stuck at that point where he gives up very quickly and demands help. The result is always him doing it himself, but yesterday he took and hour to put his pants and underwear back on after using the bathroom. He prefers them off rather than around his ankles. I’m trying to determine if I’m doing things right and just need to stick with it or if I’m missing something really obvious that would help him.

I’m determined to figure this out because obviously I can’t go to school with him in a couple of years to put his pants back on after he uses the bathroom each day. I’ve joked that I’m yearning for the day that I’m complaining that he won’t let me help because he insists on doing everything himself.”

Okay. Well, this mother is trying to determine “if I’m doing things right,” she says and I would say she mostly is. She’s giving him the space to try things himself. And one thing that’s really important that she’s doing is that she has empathy and support for him in his struggles.

But let’s talk about some more details she can add to this to help him make progress in achieving these skills and performing these activities. I’m going to go over some steps that work at any stage of the game with a child, whether we are just starting out in inviting them to participate in practicing these skills, or if we’re trying to make a change later, like this family’s doing.

The first step in trying to encourage a child to be able to be more independent in these care-giving tasks is to (1) be fully connected during these activities. Meaning, this is a time that we put the phone aside. We don’t look at those text messages or answer or phone. We are there for our child. Because caregiving times like dressing, bathing, brushing hair, bedtime rituals, putting band-aids on or with a younger child, changing diapers, these are times that are built for intimacy and children learn our relationship when we’re engaging in these tasks. They learn how to participate and they feel our support.

These are times of bonding. We’re touching our child. We’re helping them with their self-care and we’re teaching in this very organic manner. So taking full advantage of these times is important.

It sounds like this family has been doing that. But what they have fallen into is kind of doing it for him rather than inviting him to participate. And that’s the second step, to (2) invite participation.

It’s important to understand that we can’t force independence. We can’t even coax independence. It has to be chosen by our child. But we can encourage it. And with Magda Gerber’s approach we recommend doing this from birth by perceiving our baby or our toddler as a whole person who we want to invite to participate in every aspect of their lives to the best of their ability.

So that means, yes, giving a little bit of time for a child to be able to participate in the way they can. For example, changing the infant’s diaper. “I need to lift up your bottom a little bit while I slide this diaper under” or “while I take this one off. Can you help me? Can you lift up a little bit?” And we start to see by communicating that our child does begin to participate. Even a very young child, just a month old will begin to join us in these tasks if we open up that invitation for them to participate by communicating. It’s not so much that we’re waiting and expecting our child to do things. We’re just allowing for that back and forth. We’re still moving our child along but doing it in a manner that keeps inviting our child to join.

So inviting our child to participate means communicating what we’re doing. And when we invite, even when we are the ones doing the activity, we’re (3) explaining our process as we go.

What sometimes happens and may be happening with this family, is that she went from doing it completely for him out of habit to now I’m going to take a step back and let him do it. But there’s an in between place that’s actually going to be the most productive. We’re not completely doing it for him and we’re not completely backing off and just waiting for him either.

We’re seeing this as a time of togetherness, encouraging him to take part in it but not forcing him to.

And she mentions that buttons are a struggle. Yes. Buttons are a struggle. They’re very hard to do. Some of these dressing details are quite challenging for children and, if you think about it, it’s pretty complicated to put a button through a button-hole. So the way this might start is the parents, first of all, continuing as they were doing to set time aside to do this task with their child, not expecting, now he’s going to do it and we are not going to participate.

So, “Okay, now it’s time to get dressed. Oh, which shirt do you want to wear? You picked this one” or, “You picked this one last night. Okay. Let’s put this on.”

And then we’re pausing at each step to let him initiate something. But we’re going to pick up the slack and not wait too long, especially if we see that he’s not really working at it, he’s just kind of stalling or waiting, maybe even feeling in a little bit of a power struggle with us because he feels us having an agenda that he’s going to do it. I wouldn’t allow those long pauses where you’re waiting for him. I would keep moving it forward, just giving short pauses for him to join and keep offering the opportunities.

“So, can you put your arm through here? Okay. Cool. We’re going to put this up on your shoulder,” (talking about a sleeve here). “And now, let’s get this other arm on this side. Oh yeah. You’re going to reach that arm over a little bit.” (I’m doing a button-up shirt.) And, “Yeah, okay, we’ll get that through there. Can you push your arm through that sleeve? Great. And now here are these buttons we’ve got to do. Do you want to try this?”

And then he doesn’t seem to be showing that he’s trying or wants to try it. “Okay. Let me see. How about… I’m going to hold this buttonhole open. Can you put the button in there? Do you want to do that part?”

Let’s say he’s still not doing it then I would say, “Okay. I’m going to get this … it has to fit right through there. I’m going to put it around.”

So I’m explaining my process.

Now let’s say he does want to do it but he’s struggling. “Now you’re trying to get that through. That’s so hard.” And then you could help with your finger the tiniest bit so that he can still be the one to do it, but you’re making it a little easier for him.

So that’s what I mean by inviting participation but not just leaving him to do it himself. Because even if children can dress themselves, they often can’t do it at that moment, because transitions (as I’ve talked about before) are very hard for toddlers. Any time they’re transitioning from point A to point B and all the steps involved in that, they tend to get stuck there.

Also, this mother mentions that she has other children. I’m wondering if there’s a younger child or maybe an infant, because if that’s the case, then an older child, even if he was older than three, he could be five or six even, might be longing to have some of that physical care that he sees the baby getting. And therefore, he really needs that connection time, that one-on-one few moments of us helping him get dressed. So I would understand that and see the value in these moments of connection before, maybe he’s going off to school and we’re going to be separating. Or I’m going off to work. Or just, we’re starting our day and I’m going to be taking care of his sibling or his siblings.

This is prime time. This can set the tone for a whole day that we get to join in this moment.

So with the pants, I would do the same. “Can you get your foot in here? Oh, okay. It looks like you want to do that part yourself. You’re pulling it up, all the way up. Now here’s that button again. This is the hard part.”

Or the snap. Those snaps can be really hard for children too. With that, you might hold one side of it so that you’re giving it traction so that he can push the other side to make it snap. And if he has a zipper on his pants you can hold his pants together tautly so that he’s able to get that zipper up.

Be in this with him. We’re not overriding his abilities in that moment (again, it’s always about in that moment) but we’re not expecting them either and leaving him to do it unless he chooses to.

When he chooses to struggle then, yes, you can give him as much time as you have. But when this mother says he took and hour to put his pants and underwear back on after using the bathroom, that sounds like he was stuck and he really needed some help and some nurturing, some closeness. And, “Yes. I’d love to help you put these pants on. I’m going to help you.” And then again, empathy for any feelings he has is wonderful, staying in this with him but also not feeling like we have to drag it out and wait for him when he’s clearly disinterested or stalling or stuck.

So she says, “I’ve tried finding an answer in the things you’ve written but I’m stuck at the point where he gives up very quickly and demands help.”

When children demand help, I would always say, “Yes. Yes. I’d love to help.” But “help” doesn’t mean that we have to just start doing it for him. Help that’s empowering for children is helping with our emotional support. “Yes. I’m here. What do you need help with? Oh, these pants, they’re hard. You need some help.”

And then continuing to communicate and do the minimal. Let him do the maximum that he’s willing to do, but not trying to force him to do more. “You need help with these pants. Yeah. This is a tough part.” Or maybe you just feel like having my help this morning. That’s okay. I love to help you. I love to dress you.

“Do you want to be the one to put the button through?” “Do you want to be the one to do the zip?”

“That’s frustrating! I can hold this, make it a little easier for you.”

And now we see that he really does want to keep doing it so then we might wait and let him be frustrated. “That’s so frustrating when you’re trying to get zippers going and they seem to get stuck sometimes. I hate when that happens. Ah, there you got it a little bit. Okay. Cool. Up, up. Yeah, did it! You did it.”

That’s all we have to do. Just be there for our children. We want to (1) connect. We want to (2) invite participation and (3) communicate our process, leaving space for him to do as much as he can and what he’s willing to do.

And then this parent says, “I’m determined to figure this out because obviously I can’t go to school with him in a couple of years to put his pants back on.”

And that absolutely won’t be happening. I think sometimes as parents we can let ourselves go into that future fear place, that anticipation that if your child’s not doing it now, then they’re never going to be able to do it or they’re not going to be able to do it in a few years. It’s interesting because I think a lot of us have the tendency to do that, but it actually transmits something to our children that makes it harder for them, in a way, because it brings our own tension into the situation. We can’t help but feel tense if we’re concerned that our child has an issue. I don’t know if this parent really does or if she’s just saying that. But it will help to, as much as possible, trust our child. They’re very capable. And there are a lot of things again, that they can actually do but they just can’t do in that moment, in that transition, in this time of life. When the baby’s over there and that baby’s getting held and hugged all day and touched, so meeting our child where he is or she is.

This mother joked that she’s yearning for the day that’s she’s complaining “he won’t let me help because he insists on doing everything himself.” That day is coming very soon. I can assure her of that. Especially if she doesn’t try to urge it or make it happen. Children have a natural drive to be gradually more and more independent and when they’re not feeling able, there’s always a reason. And it’s better to help them through and give them what they need.

I hope some of this helps.

Also, please check out some of the other podcasts on my website, janetlansbury.com. They’re all indexed by subject and category so you should be able to find whatever topic you might be interested in.

Both of my books are available on audio, No Bad Kids, Toddler Discipline Without Shame and Elevating Child Care, A Guide To Respectful Parenting. You can get them for free from Audible by following the link in the liner notes of this podcast. Or you can go to the books section of my website. Or you can go to the books section of my website. can also get them in paperback at Amazon, and in E-book at Amazon, Barnes & Noble and apple.com. You can also get them in paperback at Amazon and in eBook at Amazon, Barnes and Noble and apple.com.

Thank you for listening. We can do this.

The post 3 Steps To Help Children Dress Independently appeared first on Janet Lansbury.

Transcript of “Getting Dressed Is a Daily Struggle”

Hi, this is Janet Lansbury, welcome to Unruffled.

​Today, I’m going to be responding to a parent’s question about her daughter, who is three years old and having trouble with transitions, especially getting dressed and getting out the door in the morning. And this mother’s tried several approaches, and nothing seems to be working.

​Here’s the email I received:

“Hi, Janet. I have a strong-willed, sensitive, and shy three year old daughter, who’s having trouble with transitions. The biggest being in the morning. Every morning we have breakfast together before she gets dressed for preschool. After finishing breakfast, she runs to the couch and plays under the blankets, even though we have talked about the next step of the morning, getting dressed. I’ve tried different approaches, such as removing the blankets from the couch, waiting for her to get dressed herself, getting dressed before breakfast, and even offering to read a book if she helps get dressed. But nothing results in her willingness to want to get dressed. She tells me she wants to stay in PJ’s, to which I reply that I wish I could stay in PJ’s too, and that it’s time to get dressed for school.

​I know she needs my help to get dressed in this situation, but every morning ends up being a struggle to get her dressed, with her crying and screaming, and trying to take off the clothes that I’m putting on. I feel like we’re stuck in this weekday morning drama, and I don’t know what to do differently. Please help.”

​Okay, so first of all, it’s very typical for toddlers and all young children to have difficulty with transitions, and I think this is probably something we can all relate to. As this mother even said to her daughter, she wishes she could stay in PJ’s too. Well, I wish I could stay in PJ’s, and I often do, because my work actually is … A lot of it is writing and being at home, and I actually can stay in PJ’s most of the day.

​But getting out somewhere, getting ourselves together, even if it’s somewhere that we want to go, is for some of us difficult. It’s just, ugh, I don’t know, I just want to be doing what I’m doing, and I don’t want to have to stop this and go through the whole thing of getting dressed, even if this is something I’m really looking forward to.

​It’s tough to get over that hump, even for somewhat mature people like me. Knowing that, what I’m seeing here, or what I’m reading, or what I’m imagining in this note, is that this mother’s starting out as, “Oh gosh, here’s this task I have to do. How can I get this done? How can I get her to comply? How can I get this to work?”

​I could be wrong on this, but that’s what I’m feeling when she talks about the different approaches. She tried making it impossible for her to use the blankets that she was playing with. She tried just waiting. These are all, in a sense, tactics to try to get someone else to do something you want them to do.

​But what actually works with children, and is probably particularly important with strong willed children, is to really approach the whole situation differently, to approach it from a place of real respect and connection, as two people, so that it’s not me trying to get this other person to do something, and let me try all these things to make that happen. It’s me realizing that we have this task to do together, we have to get out of the house, and my daughter’s showing me right now that for whatever reason, she needs me to really join and help her through this. She can’t do it on her own.

Sometimes this is a reflection of other transitions that a child is also facing. I don’t know if there are any other changes going on in this parent’s life. That could exacerbate this issue, and make it even tougher, because the more transitions children have piled on to their plates, the harder it is to release the brakes that they have around these situations.

​So, I don’t know all the possibilities, and the reasons this could be happening. It could simply be that this is a separation time from her mother. They’re getting ready to separate, and she’s getting ready to go off to school, which is a big deal for children. It’s something they really do have to step up to. It’s a challenge, not just something they can roll out of bed into and not have to get themselves ready physically, emotionally, mentally.

​The wonderful thing about the RIE approach, Magda Gerber’s approach, the one that I speak from, is that it’s really about a relationship, and the way that we treat our child moment to moment. It seems to me that in this note there might be more room for this mother to really join her daughter here. I’m going to talk about what that would look like, but it will look a little different for this mother than it would for me, or with another child, or somebody else.

​So, whenever I give suggestions about things to say, or what to actually do, they’re just examples. They’re not really the gist of it. The gist of it has to be: here’s my daughter, she’s having a hard time with this, and I’m really here to help. I’m going to set up my morning so that I have time to help her.

​It doesn’t really take a lot more time, though it does take slowing down our adult pace to a child’s pace, which is naturally a lot slower. It’s an attitude of joining, rather than pitting ourselves against our child, and making this into a contest of wills that, again, is very easy to slip into with a strong willed child. They’re always ready to go there.

​So, here’s how I could see this going. First of all, again, it’s the overall attitude that I have going into this. We wake up, I’m going to set out some time together with my child where I’m stopping everything to sit with her while she eats. It sounds like this mother is doing that, “We have breakfast together before she gets dressed for preschool.”

​Then, after breakfast, “Okay, now we’ve got to get dressed for preschool.” But before I’ve even said that, she ran off to play under the blankets. She’s saying: I’m going to avoid this. I don’t want to go get dressed for preschool right now. I’m going to get away from you, because you’re trying to make me do this, and I don’t want to do this. I’m going to go there.

​So, rather than feeling deflated, or angry, or annoyed, or trying to move blankets and things so that these kinds of things are impossible for her to do, I would go right over there. I mean not running over, but clean up the breakfast dishes, whatever, la la la… Then walk over to where she is. “Oh, there’s my little girl, very interesting, you decided you want to play. Of course, you want to play, I totally get that. ​I’m going to be in your room with your clothes, and please come in when you want to get dressed, I’m going to be in there.”

That’s one way it could go. That works because, again, it’s very polite, it’s very respectful, it’s giving your child the chance to be the one to make the choice. It’s treating your child with that same respect we would give to another adult.

​So, right away I would use that as an opportunity to join her, instead of uh-oh my plan isn’t working. She’s doing a really obvious thing, she’s doing a thing children often do. It’s kind of funny. Don’t let that intimidate. See that little rascal for what she is there, and stay connected.

​So then, let’s say you go into a room, you’re waiting, maybe you’re getting something else done that you need to do to get ready while she’s doing that, while you’re waiting for her. But it shouldn’t take long. Children do come, when they feel that we’re not in a contest with them, that we’re not in a power struggle with them.

​If this is a new way of being with your child that you haven’t been doing, then it may take more of this for her to be able to come to you. So let’s say that she doesn’t, she doesn’t come. You’ve left a minute or two for her to come, and now it’s really time. So you go over, “Oh, there’s my little darling. Come here, we really have to do this, come on, let’s go.” You’re still being respectful, you’re being kind, you’re being with her. You’re not mad at her for doing normal, normal things that children do.

​There’s nothing to be annoyed with here if you have that expectation in line. If you have that perception of who she is, and what’s going on, you don’t fall into the trap of engaging in a power struggle.

This mother says that she tried different approaches, such as removing the blankets from the couch, waiting for her to get dressed herself, getting dressed before breakfast, and even offering to read a book if she helps get dressed.

​So, you could decide to get dressed before breakfast, if that works for you. But again, not as a strategy. I would do it, if it works for you, for your routine, but don’t do it as a way to try to avoid having to need to do this extra connecting with her. She wants to feel like you’re on the same team and I think, especially, because you two are going to go your separate ways for the rest of the day, or for several hours.

​Being on someone’s team doesn’t mean that they’re not a little frustrated with you and not wanting to get dressed. It doesn’t mean that at all. She needs to be welcome to have that reaction. It means that you are still in relationship with her, as two people, throughout the struggle.

​So, now let’s say that she didn’t come, and she’s over there still playing. I would go, pick her up right away, but it’s got to be lovingly, it’s got to be happily, not waiting and waiting because she didn’t do what you wanted her to do and now you’re going to go pick her up angrily, or with impatience, or frustration.

​She just needs a little help, that’s all. She may be needing or wanting that physical connection with you. So see it that way. “Oh, alright, I’m going to carry you in. You’re really having a hard time today.”

You take her in her room, and then I would still offer her some autonomy there. “Okay, what do you want wear today? What are you going to wear? Of these two options,” or whatever.

​And then, if she says, “No, I want to wear my PJ’s,” it’s fine to say … As this mother says, “I replied that I wish to stay in PJ’s too.” It’s fine to do that, it’s fine to join her there. But it sounds like the way this mother wrote this, that she’s kind of going through the motions to say that she wishes she could stay in PJ’s, too. Or that she’s saying that out of, “Well I wish that too, but we have to go,” which isn’t the same as joining with your child and empathizing.

​Again, I could be reading this differently, but it’s feeling like she’s using this as another approach, instead of “Yep, I really know, I really get that. Ugh! It’s so hard to get out of those PJ’s in the morning. I know the feeling, I really, really do.”

I don’t think you need to say, “But we have to get dressed for school.”

​That is already implicit, she already knows that. She’s known that since before breakfast, when she was getting ready to, after breakfast, run way. So that’s not something she needs to hear again.

I think the reason we say those things, again, as parents is because we’re trying to get our child to just agree with our agenda, rather than really meeting the where they are, and helping them to get through it.

​It may not sound that different in the actual words you say even, but it’s a whole different feeling that it gives a child. It’s a feeling that you’re not against them, that you do get them, that you’re not impatient with them or angry with them in any way, that they’re not disappointing you. And again, that will all stem from the way that we view this, the expectations that we have, the tone that we set.

​And ideally, this will be in all our interactions with our children. Even when we do get frustrated, we’re getting frustrated from a place of honesty and sharing, really. And then we’re going to repair. Afterwards we’re going to say, “Uh, yeah, all these things were piling up, and I really needed to do that and you couldn’t, and you needed help from me I know. And I just couldn’t do it, and I did give it enough time, and so I lost my temper.”

​So then this mother says that she does recognize, she says, “I know she needs my help to get dressed in this situation, but every morning ends up being a struggle to get her dressed her crying, and screaming, and trying to take off the clothes that I’m putting on.”

​Yes. So I feel like that must be a result, a common result of all the tension that she’s feeling, from this mother, which again, I can only imagine, in the way that she’s shared this. And I could be way wrong, and I hope if I am, she writes, or contacts me, and lets me know.

​But that’s the feeling I’m getting, that there’s tension all the way through this. From the beginning there was maybe even a little dread in this mother about this thing that she was going to have to get her child do that’s always a struggle. And she’s tried everything, and nothing’s working. That is, I feel, why this girl is then reflecting back all that tension by crying and screaming and having this big meltdown around it.

​Sometimes children do that for other reasons: the parent’s been away, or there’s a new baby coming, or there’s another thing that’s creating stress, and then that’s where the child shares it. So, even the crying and screaming is a positive thing, it’s actually … Instead of, oh gosh, she’s making this hard for me, I would see that as, wow, this gave her an opportunity to vent. That I had to insist, “Now we’ve got to put those shoes on, we’ve really got to get these on so we can get out of here. I know you don’t want to. I hear you.”

​If that kind of loving, connected approach creates crying and screaming, then there is a really good reason for the crying and screaming, that we need to trust, ideally.

​So, I wish this was just a simple answer, like just do this and it’ll all work. That would be easier than wrapping our heads around these ideas of really respecting our child, and joining with them, connecting, being on their side, on their team. And having our expectations in order.

​This takes some thought, and maybe takes some visualization, seeing it all differently, seeing her “annoying” behavior differently. So I hope that makes sense, and I really hope it helps.

Also, please checkout some of my other podcasts at janetlansbury.com. website. They’re all indexed by subject and category so you should be able to find whatever topic you’re interested in. And remember I have books on audio at Audible.com, No Bad Kids, Toddler Discipline Without Shame and Elevating Child Care, A Guide To Respectful Parenting. You can also get them in paperback at Amazon and an ebook at Amazon, Barnes and Noble, and Apple.com.

Also I have an exclusive audio series, Sessions. There are five individual recordings of consultations I’ve had with parents where they agree to be recorded and we discuss all their parenting issues. We have a back and forth that for me is very helpful in exploring their topics and finding solutions. These are available by going to sessionsaudio.com and you can read a description of each episode and order them individually or get them all about three hours of audio for just under $20.

Thanks for listening. We can do this.

UPDATE: Heather, the mom who had sent me this question, shared an update:

“I am following up from my recent email and your response regarding dressing my 3 year old and I wanted to share our success story. After I emailed you last month, I looked at my own behavior and realized that I was coming off tense and annoyed with my daughter in the morning when she avoids getting dressed for preschool. I decided that I was going to give extra time, give more hugs and come from a place of humor in getting dressed in the morning. I started by calling her toes “hotdogs” and told her I was going to eat them up while I dressed her which she found funny and gave us both a laugh. It took a few days but things have turned around, she dressed herself today and we are leaving the house early (and happy) now that we are not in a struggle! After going through this, I now know that my temperament impacts her greatly and that if I can remain unruffled, its a win-win for us both. And after reading your post today, I realize that she knew our separation time was coming and was probably the reason why she avoided getting dressed – all the more reason to connect with her!

Thank you so much for your guidance! I am one appreciative momma!”

(Thank you, Heather!)

The post Getting Dressed Is a Daily Struggle appeared first on Janet Lansbury.

Transcript of “My Toddler Doesn’t Behave This Way with Anyone Else!”

Hi. This is Janet Lansbury. Welcome to Unruffled. Today I’m responding to a parent who feels that her 16-month-old acts out more with her than he does with his other caregivers, and she’s wondering if she’s handling his behavior and his feelings correctly.

Here’s the email I received:

“Hi, Janet. First, thanks so much for your work. I’ve been trying to listen to your podcast daily. I feel like it helps calm me and ground me to be a better parent. I’m trying to parent using RIE principles, but wondering if you have any guidelines to gauge if I’m on track. I’m a stay-at-home mom, and it seems like my 16-month-old acts differently with me than anyone else. This includes my husband, who is very involved in parenting. With me, there’s just a lot more crying and defiance. For instance, diaper changes currently are a real battle. He screams, cries, throws his head back. I tried telling him ahead of time that he will get his diaper changed, give him extra time to play, and try to engage him during the diaper change by telling him what I will be doing and asking him if he wants to help by grabbing and holding the supplies.

He thrashes around so much that I have to let him go so as to not hurt him. He often will cry and hug me, and then I will try again. This process can take 15 minutes. Sometimes I just have to resort to a standing diaper change and chase him around. When I leave him with my mom, she says she has no trouble from him during diaper changes, and while I’m away, his attitude is good.

When I get home, sometimes it’s like a switch is flipped. Is this a sign that I’m doing something wrong, or that I’m a safe person to share emotions with? It seems like at this age, 16 months, there are constant changes, growth spurts, and lots of teething. It’s reasonable that he has a lot of emotions and stress to work through. With that in mind, are there good questions to ask yourself, or signs to gauge if you’re putting RIE principles into action as best as you can? I’m not aiming for perfection, and I know that toddlers have a lot to work through. I’m just looking for indicators that the child feels heard, but also knows we are confident in his ability to cope.

As a bit of a background, he was a colicky baby, still struggles with sleep and has food sensitivities we’re working through. All this deflated my confidence early on, and in the last month I’ve gotten more serious about instituting RIE and focusing on communicating my confidence in him to cope.”

Okay, so I’m really glad that she gave me this last bit of information here, because I think this is a big clue to where there may be a little room to grow in this mother’s approach, but zooming back a bit, she asks, “Are there good questions to ask yourself to gauge if you’re putting RIE principles into action as best as you can?”

I think we always do everything as best as we can in that moment. Children as well, they’re always doing the best they can, so I don’t doubt that this mother’s doing the best that she can with what she’s absorbed about her role, and her son, and how to perceive him as a capable guy, which is the basis for the RIE approach. It’s really about the first principle, which is: “Basic trust in your child as an initiator, explorer, and a self-learner.” This means that he is capable, capable of communicating, and sharing his feelings even though that can be hard for us as parents to receive. He needs to feel like it’s okay for him to be all the colors in the rainbow, to feel sad, and frustrated, and angry, and all of those things, just as much as he feels joy, and love, and happiness.

If this family has had to deal with their son being a colicky baby, struggling with sleep and food sensitivities, she says that this deflated her confidence early on. What happens is we worry about our child, and we get extra tuned in. We’re all very tuned in to our children being uncomfortable, and it’s never going to be fun for us as parents, but we can get kind of on extra alert for that when we feel like our child has difficulties, like food sensitivities, and the difficulties with digestion, and colic. It can make us feel more responsible for our child’s feelings, and see them even more as a problem for us, and kind of a failure for us if our child is uncomfortable.

I’m imagining, without knowing a lot more (like I’d like to know). I’d always like to know a lot more about all these questions, but I’m imagining that there was a set-up early on that made this mother feel even less confident about her son having uncomfortable feelings, and with that set-up, it is harder to be a confident leader when our child as a toddler is doing their job, which is pushing back, asserting themselves, releasing their stress through these kinds of struggles that she talks about on the diaper table.

The interesting thing is that all children, but it just seems to be amplified during these toddler years, children are kind of trying to whip us into shape as leaders, so if they sense some little tender spots there, they got to push them. They’ve got to try to help us become, and this is all unconscious on their part, but they’ve got to do their best to help us become those leaders that they need  to be able to, as this mother realizes, go through all these shifts, and changes, and emotions, and it’s a very rocky time for children. They need those pillars of strength to be there, not inhumanly, but as much as possible. They don’t want to have to worry about the grown-ups that they’re dealing with, and if there are little places that are soft there for them, or they’re not quite able to push up against something that feels solid, and confident, then they have to keep doing it.

My thought is, there’s an element of that going on in this relationship between this mom and her son, and that’s why he’s not showing this to other people. It’s true also that he is not as close perhaps to the grandparent, so he’s going to be more at his best there. He doesn’t have that need to make grandma into such a strong leader, and grandma, or grandpa aren’t as worried about him, because they’ve had children, and they know that there are lots of issues, and children end up fine, so maybe that’s part of it.

I think what this parent can work on is her confidence, and that means her perception of his struggles and feelings — to really and truly see them as the most positive thing and the most bonding thing to happen between them, that they’re in this crazy diaper change.

Like she said, she’s done it all. She’s respected him by telling him ahead of time they’re going to do that, and maybe if there’s not a hurry, she gets him that extra time, but now she has to be decisive. She has to be in that role that he’s trying to make her take. She has to step up to this job, and that means… Let’s just go over what she’s said here…

Diaper changes currently are a real battle. He screams, cries, throws his head back, so she has to know he’s not suffering here. She’s not hurting him here. Yes, he’s making it appear that the diaper change with her is torture, but all she has to keep in mind is, well, wait. He does this with other people, and it’s not like this, and I’m not torturing him, so what’s different about me, besides that I’m maybe his closest caregiver, that he does feel safest with to share?

What else? I’m worried about him a little. I’m worried that I’m hurting him. I’m worried that I am torturing him in some way, and that it’s harming him, and she’s not 100% coming up against those feelings with trust, and seeing the power there behind this guy, crying, and throwing his head back, it’s very healthy will. It’s very healthy strength, and what I think he’s saying here is, “I need somebody really strong, because I’ve got strength in me. I’m showing you how hard I can fight you. Please don’t let this be anything close to a battle. Be above this. Be way stronger. Don’t engage with this is a battle. Take charge.” I truly believe that’s what he’s saying.

So she says, “I tell him ahead of him, I give him extra time to play, and you don’t need to get him the extra time to play.”

That’s not going to buy you more cooperation from him, as you’re noticing, so what that might do is make you feel more exasperated in the situation, when, hey, I gave him the extra time. I gave him the warning. I did all of this nice stuff, and he’s still acting like this.

It’s a better set-up for you to expect. He’s going to put up a struggle, and not try to give him extra time to alleviate that. It’s what he needs to do. That’s what he’s showing you here. He really needs to have this kind of conflict with you, and have you rise above it. If you want to give him extra time, maybe you want to have a little extra time to get ready, and get your confident momentum going. Then fine, but don’t do it because you think it’s going to help make it go more smoothly. He’s showing you he needs something else from you.

Then she says she tries to engage with him during the diaper change by telling him what she’ll be doing. I would always do that, no matter what. Asking him if he wants to help to give him that positive control in the situation, but usually you can see if a child is in that space where they can engage that way, and it sounds like he may be early on already battling. If that’s the case, I would not try to appease him by getting him to help. I think that could be coming off to him, just like with giving him extra play time, it’s like you’re trying to fix it, trying to make him stop, when he’s saying, “I need to battle with you, and for you not to engage with you,” as somebody that’s battling back, or trying to fight against this, or fix it. I need that strength from you, so I wouldn’t ask him to help if he’s going hog wild like that.

She says, “He thrashes around so much that I have to let him go so as not to hurt him.” A firm hand holding him there, he may act as if that’s hurting him, but you have to know that it’s not. The only time that isn’t safe to do is if you are angry and frustrated, and then yes, your tone, the energy coming out of you could be harmful in some way.

If you are expecting this, if you see this as him needing that mama bear, extra firm helping hand, and it’s okay if your little baby bear is struggling, and getting mad at you about it, then you will not hurt him. He may act as if you’re hurting him, he may even say you’re hurting him, and then I would just acknowledge, “You’re telling me that hurts, but I’ve got to hold you here. You want to get away, and we got to do this right now.”

Whereas I would usually approach diaper changes as this flexible experience, where Magda Gerber said it so beautifully, I’ll dance with you, but you’ve got to dance with me.” We try to do it their way, we want them to participate, we want this to be something we do together, but then at some point, we’ve got to say, “Okay, now we’ve got to do this. This part is mandatory.” Have that confidence. It’s not angry. It’s not stern. It’s not violent. It’s firm, loving. “Yup, we got to do this right now.”

I was just working with a parent where I described this. This parent had a very hard time insisting on anything physically, and helping her child move through transitions and situations, and I said, “You’ve got to imagine you are carrying your child out of a burning building —  that confidence that you would have that you’re doing the right thing. You have to take that into all these situations, so that your child can feel that leadership from you.”

Obviously we don’t want to think about emergency like that happening, but if you were in that situation, you would carry on because you know you’re doing the right thing, and that’s where we have to go with these situations, especially for people like me, and maybe this mom, who aren’t inclined to overpower another person. It’s not in us to do that. We’ve got to find that strength in ourselves. We all have it in there. We just have to tap into it, and I believe, again, that that’s what this boy is asking for from his mom.

Why is he asking her this question, and he’s not asking these other people that question? It is a combination of her being one of the closest, if not the closest to him, and also somebody that he needs to be a little stronger in her confidence, in her leadership. Children train us this way. They’re very good at it, and as you’ve noticed, he keeps giving you more and more chances. He really wants this from you.

Anyway, going back to what she says: “He thrashes around so much that I have to let him go so as not to hurt him.” Don’t let him go. Don’t let him go so that you’re chasing him around. That’s putting him in the driver’s seat, and you’re being the opposite of a leader, so don’t let it get to that point. Hold on. Trust. It’s okay for him to be mad at you. It’s okay for him to yell at you, and cry. It really is okay. You’ve got to know that you’re not hurting him, and you’re not capable of hurting him, unless you lose your temper.
Be preventative for that as well. Don’t let him work you.

She says, “He often will cry and hug me, and then I will try again.” So yeah, he doesn’t want to be that guy. That’s what that says. He doesn’t want to be doing this. It’s this very, very healthy instinct in him to get what he needs from you. It’s beautiful, really, that he’s showing her that he stops, he cries, he hugs her. “Come on, Mom. You can do this.” That’s what he’s saying, but I understand that it’s hard because it’s not blatant. If they would just actually say that, “Please, Mom, take control,” it would help so much for those of us that are doubtful.

It’s great that this mother’s not aiming for perfection, and that she has a lot of empathy for her son’s experience. She’s got everything she needs here to be good to herself, and to take the challenge that he’s giving her. She can do this. We can all do this.

I hope that helps.

Also, please checkout some of my other podcasts at janetlansbury.com. website. They’re all indexed by subject and category so you should be able to find whatever topic you’re interested in. And remember I have books on audio at Audible.com, No Bad Kids, Toddler Discipline Without Shame and Elevating Child Care, A Guide To Respectful Parenting. You can also get them in paperback at Amazon and an ebook at Amazon, Barnes and Noble, and Apple.com.

Also I have an exclusive audio series, Sessions. There are five individual recordings of consultations I’ve had with parents where they agree to be recorded and we discuss all their parenting issues. We have a back and forth that for me is very helpful in exploring their topics and finding solutions. These are available by going to sessionsaudio.com and you can read a description of each episode and order them individually or get them all about three hours of audio for just under $20.

Thanks for listening. We can do this.

The post My Toddler Doesn’t Behave This Way with Anyone Else! appeared first on Janet Lansbury.

Hi Ana,

Yes, I think you nailed it: “I wonder if jealousy finally kicked in (my younger one is now 18 months old and more vocal), and he feels displaced by his sister?”

The emotional process of accepting a new sibling is unique to each child. Some children appear most unnerved during their mother’s pregnancy, perhaps anxious about all the mysterious, impending changes they sense but for which they have no frame of reference.  These children might even feel relieved when the baby finally arrives and becomes a reality for them.

Other children might be only slightly rattled during the pregnancy and far more uncomfortable after the birth when they experience the sudden shift in their parents’ focus. Still others don’t feel the sting of rivalry until their baby sibling hits developmental milestones that make them seem like an actual “person” and a greater threat, like when the baby begins crawling, walking or, as in your case, Ana, talking. Particularly sensitive children feel waves of discomfort throughout all of the above.

Acting like a baby can serve two primary purposes:

1. Play therapy

Playing out a fantasy of reverting to babyhood is one of the ways children process their feelings around this major life adjustment, and we can help them by accepting and trusting this behavior (rather than being concerned, annoyed, or judgmental about it). It is through play that children explore, understand, heal, and gain a sense of control over their feelings around new and uncomfortable experiences. Play therapy also helps children explore the perspectives of others. Through imitation kids can try on that person’s shoes (or booties, in this case), which helps them to understand and empathize with that person’s experience. This is also why children sometimes imitate the behaviors and personality traits of their peers or characters from books and movies. If this “make believe” behavior gets a nervous, negative or uncomfortable reaction from parents, children might be compelled to continue testing that.

2. Physical nurturing and unconditional acceptance

Infants get a lot of hands-on care, nurturing, and affection, so it’s understandable that a child who feels unsettled by the addition of a sibling would want to recapture some of that physical love. It’s also common for young children to act out their uncomfortable feelings through impulsive limit pushing behavior that might be directed at the parents, the baby or both. As challenging as it can be for us to empathize with our children in these situations (I share more about that HERE), our harsher reactions tend to intensify their feelings of hurt and rejection. The unconditional love that the baby is receiving looks very attractive in comparison.

But none of this means that parents should feel obliged to heed all our children’s requests to be fed and carried, etc. Children don’t need us to play along with babyish behaviors so much as fully accept and allow them.

Accept

Acceptance stems from trusting that the behavior is serving a healthy purpose for our child and, therefore, not being judgmental about it or worrying that he’s losing his abilities to talk, walk or dress himself, etc. So we don’t try to fix the behavior, nor do we coax or shame him to stop it. And because we don’t perceive it as a demand or need we must fulfill, we don’t let it get on our nerves.

Set clear boundaries and trust the feelings

In  your case, Ana, I would not “tell him in a nice way that he can do it on his own because he’s a big boy.” Instead of trying to talk him out of his request, be clear and comfortable with asserting your boundaries.

“You want me to pick you up. I can’t right now, but in a few minutes I’m going to sit on the sofa and I’d love to have you on my lap.” Then if he continues to ask or becomes upset, you might acknowledge, “You really wanted me to carry you and I said no. That’s upsetting.” Trust him to express his feelings for as long as he needs to in response to your reasonable limits. This is how children heal their pain.

Play along wholeheartedly — or not at all

Children deserve our honesty and clarity. It’s unfair and unloving to begrudgingly give in to please them. Our resentment creates guilt for them and poisons our parent-child relationship. We are the only ones who can prevent this from happening, which is why it’s so important to stay tuned in to own needs, wants, and boundaries. So, if we are fully on board and available to spoon feed, carry or play with our child, we should do it with gusto. If not, we should kindly and clearly say no and not judge or resent our child for asking. We might reply, “I love feeding you, my baby, but I’m going to take this time to eat my own food along with you.”

Pay undivided attention

There’s another reason children behave like babies besides the two I mention above. It’s an attention getter. Unfortunately, the attention it commonly gets from parents is annoyance and impatience, which is not helpful. So, besides perceiving this behavior as healthy and not letting it bother us, we can also help alleviate the urgency for it by fulfilling our children’s attention needs (which are a lot easier to fill than their 24/7 attention wants). One of the best ways to do that is to put aside all our distractions during caregiving activities like dressing, bathing, diapering (or potty help), mealtimes and bedtime rituals and be fully available to our child in those interactions. We won’t be able to do this every time, but we can seize these opportunities as best we can. Our engaged presence while our child plays, putters or just hangs out with us is an added bonus.

Ana, I hope this answers your questions and isn’t way more than you wanted to know.

I share more about being confident leaders and setting limits with empathy in

No Bad Kids: Toddler Discipline Without Shame.

The post My Child is Acting Like a Baby appeared first on Janet Lansbury.

Transcript of “When a Child Can’t Get Her Act Together in the Morning”

Hi. This is Janet Lansbury and welcome to Unruffled. In this episode, I’m replying to a mom who left a comment on one of my articles on my website. It’s called, “When Children Can’t Do It (How to Help).” And she asked about her four-year-old who’s been pretending to be confused and helpless when it’s time to leave for preschool in the morning. And this mom is wondering how to respond.

“My daughter Juliet has just turned four. She is, on the whole, very helpful and caring, and, generally, as independent as you would expect for her age, I think. However, some mornings, she seems to wake up with a bee in her bonnet, for lack of a better term. Everything seems to be wrong and too hard. This morning, for example, she decided she couldn’t dress herself. When I asked her to go to the toilet before leaving for preschool, she laid down on the floor and told me she didn’t know where the toilet is. Sometimes, she suddenly forgets how to sit on the toilet. Her backpack is too heavy. She can’t remember how to sit on a dining chair. She can’t see her lunchbox (it’s right in front of her) or put it in her backpack, etc. etc. All of the things I ask her are well within her capabilities and simple requests.

Are you suggesting in this article that I’m best to just dress her, put the lunchbox in, etc. myself? I am expecting my third baby in about eight weeks, and while maybe this behavior is partly due to starting preschool in the last couple of months, and a new baby coming, I can’t help but think I will need her to do these things, as I will have a new baby to look after, as well. I’m just lost on the best way to respond. Both of my actions and what to say to her. Any help much appreciated.”

Well, first of all, I have to say that I love this girl. She’s got a flair for the dramatic, and she reminds me how wonderful young children are. I get such a big kick out of them. And that’s why when I’m doing these podcasts, a couple of people have given me feedback that it sounds like maybe I’m laughing at the parents or being condescending or not taking the parents’ questions seriously. That’s not how I feel at all. I get such a kick out of children, and I would love for parents to see them with the lightheartedness that I see them. I know it’s hard all the time. Sometimes the issues we have with them seem so serious and depressing and difficult, but in the end of the day, these are all really kind of light, small details. Most of the parents that are out there reading articles and researching parenting and listening to podcasts are the best of the bunch. I mean, these aren’t parents with serious issues. My interest is in lightening up this whole process and sharing my appreciation of children and these wonderful foibles they have. Anyway, that’s where I’m coming from.

So, to this mother’s issues. This girl is doing these really kind of funny, obvious things. Having difficulty getting out of the house in the morning. She’s in this big transition with her mother expecting another baby. It’s this mysterious time of life for children. I mean, it’s mysterious enough for us, but imagine how mysterious it is for them to sense this big, impending change, and they really don’t know exactly how it’s going to feel, what it’s going to look like, and it’s disconcerting. So this is a time that typically there’s behaviors like these, resistant behaviors, defiant behaviors, putting my foot down, expressing my displeasure and dissatisfaction with things and really underneath all of that, if you could take all of those layers away, there would be a scared little girl. And yes, they do wake up on the wrong side of the bed, as we all do.

So this mother says that this morning she decided she couldn’t dress herself. I would try to anticipate that these transitional times are going to be a little bit rough and that she’s going to need some physical nurturing, which means that you set the time aside and you have this expectation in yourself that you’re going to be needing to help her get dressed and baby her a little bit. If you expect this, then it’s going to be easier for you to come into it with a light attitude and not with annoyance with her or something that will actually fuel this behavior, give it power that you don’t want to give it.

So if she says, “I can’t dress myself,” I would say, “That makes sense. Sometimes that happens to all of us, and here I come. I’m gonna help you. Let’s get these shoes and get your pants on and can you jump your legs in here and do this,” and just walk her through it.

I would give that little bit of time. But mostly, it’s about our attitude of accepting, accepting that this is just where she is today. She does have a bee in her bonnet. Who knows why exactly? but probably these reasons I mention. We don’t need to know. It’s just, okay, you’re having a rough one this morning. I’m here to help you out as much as I can.

Now, if you really can’t in that moment, I would say, “Oh, wow, you need me to dress you. I’d love to do that. I’ve got to do this. Can you get started a little bit and then I’d be happy to come in and do the rest.” Having a willing attitude.

And then she asked her to go to the toilet before leaving for preschool, and “she laid down on the floor and told me she didn’t know where the toilet is.” Rather than being shocked by that or questioning that, just take it in stride.

“Let me help you out with that. It’s right over here. Let me pick you up and I’m going to escort you to this potty, because I know sometimes it’s hard to just see in the morning and everything’s blurry and I feel like that before I have coffee sometimes, so I’m gonna help you over here to this potty. Wow, you didn’t notice it today. You couldn’t see it. Interesting.” Just accepting where she’s at, not making a big to-do of it, letting it be. Just moving her through it.

And then sometimes she suddenly forgets how to sit on the toilet. So she may need help with that, too. “Wow, you’ve forgotten this. That’s so interesting. I think you put your bottom here in this part, and this is what I think you do.”

These details, what you say, of course, doesn’t really matter. It’s just this attitude of, okay, this is what I’ve got today. This is where she’s at. This is what she’s giving me. And it’s nothing you can’t handle. You’ve gotta know that, because that’s the key to coming in with this efficient, calm, unruffled attitude that she needs, with love.

And her backpack is too heavy. “Oh, gosh, it’s so heavy for you today. This is so hard. Maybe there’s another way we can carry this, but, gosh.”

So not questioning her, not arguing with her about it. Accepting that she’s carrying the weight of the world in her backpack at that moment. It’s all symbolic of these bigger issues that she’s facing. This big start to a new school, that’s a huge deal. Having to get used to new teachers and a new rhythm for your day, and new people and maybe a new classroom, and it’s a lot.

I wouldn’t expect her to just have a seamless transition and glide into this, especially with the other added mystery of the baby coming. I would expect this kind of, ah, it’s all too much. I’m overwhelmed by everything, and I can’t see, and I can’t do, and everything’s too heavy, and I can certainly relate to this.

And children are just so open about these things. They put it right out there. That’s what I love about working with them. That’s why I love trying to help parents with children this age, because it’s easier. It’s all out there. We don’t have to try to figure out what’s going on deep inside. It’s all pretty evident and obvious. She’s falling apart, and she’s showing you that in all these different ways. I can’t see, I can’t remember, I can do anything. That’s clear, and she just needs your help and your acceptance of this, and your understanding.

So then she can’t see her lunchbox. It’s right in front of her. Well, you can help her with that.

“Yes, oh, I think it’s right here. Okay. Let me open your hand and let me put this in your hand.”

So this doesn’t really take a lot of time, it just takes an attitude. It takes that expectation that this could well be your morning and your pickup from school and your getting ready for bed at night and other transitions, and that this is to be expected, and you’re going to save your energy to be able to come in confidently to these experiences.

You’re not going to be thrown off balance when she’s acting kooky, because she is feeling kooky right now. It’s all normal stuff. It’s nothing that you’ve gotta try to harness her into understanding and figuring out and that she’s on the wrong track here. She’s right where she’s supposed to be.

And she says, “All of the things I ask her are well within her capabilities and simple requests.” That’s right, and there’s a reason that she’s feeling unable to do these things. It’s this situation she’s in, and the way she woke up that morning with all these feelings, and if we can just help her through this and get her there, get her to that school, she’s gonna be fine. But I wouldn’t be thrown off by this. I wouldn’t be angry at her for just being where she’s at.

So she asks am I suggesting in the article that it’s best to just dress her and put the lunchbox in, etc., herself? Yes. But ideally, you’ll give a little bit of time for the dressing, anticipating that that might happen. So however you can schedule your morning to give a better time for that would be great. And then not just dress her like she’s a ragdoll, but really work with her. Don’t let her be distracted doing something else when you’re getting dressed together. Embrace this as what Magda Gerber called “wants something quality time,” a caregiving routine kind of quality time where you’re not gonna be distracted for those couple of minutes it takes to help her get dressed. That you’re going to use this as a time of connection, just for five minutes or however long it takes, you’re going to be there fully present with her, and you’re going to expect her to be fully present with you. So you’re not going to let her zone off playing with a toy or something. You’re going to put those things away and say, “Okay, help me, here. I can’t do this alone. Can you put your foot in here?” And you’re going to walk her through it, join her in this experience. And that will be a very nurturing way for her to start her morning.

I think that’s one thing that we miss a lot in these mornings with children is just that little moment, whether it’s sitting while they’re having breakfast, not having your phone there and not thinking about all these other things you need to do and what you’re gonna do today, but just being available to her. If you can do that while she’s eating and do it again while she’s getting dressed, that’s going to fill her up. The reassurance of that nurturing from you. And it will fuel her for her day.

It seems that she’s letting you know that she needs that, so I would embrace it. I would take your moment here and know that in a few weeks, it’s gonna be harder. You probably won’t be able to do a lot of these things. Maybe you’ll be able to do one of them. Maybe you’ll be able to sit with her while she’s eating, and have five minutes there, but it’s going to be harder.

So I would actually take advantage of this time before the next baby comes, time when you can fill her up with your attention for just a few moments. Giving 100% of attention for just a few minutes can carry children the whole day.

But I think oftentimes, we get used to giving just half attention, and then children never feel really seen and filled up. So take your moments, and rise to those occasions as much as you can. Not putting pressure on yourself, but just prioritizing that.

Then this mother says, “I can’t help but think I will need her to do these things as I will have a new baby to look after, as well.”

Yes, you will. So when you can’t help her, then be really clear when that baby comes and you can’t help her. But try to find a time either in the morning or at the end of the day when you can be fully present with her. When you can’t, be honest and be clear. Don’t be resentful of her for asking for that attention. Don’t be annoyed that she asked. Just say honestly, “Wow, I would so love to do that. I can’t. I will have some time with you at the end of the day. I’m going to be the one that picks you up today,” or whatever it is.

And see if you can set some time aside, maybe once a week, where you’re just with her. And just with your other child, so that you can let those children know that you want to keep nurturing that relationship, that you see how important it is.  It may take you some time if you’re breastfeeding and you’re getting in the rhythm and trying to find a rhythm with your baby. It’s gonna take a little while, but just have that in your plan for what you’re working towards, and try to make it happen.

Know that those moments matter, when you can be fully there with one of them, and those caregiving routines, that’s the most important time. Caregiving routines being your meals, and dressing, and a bath, and a diaper change for a younger child, and putting on the bandaid, and brushing hair, helping them get to bed. All of those things, those are the magic moments to try to grasp and be there for as much as you can.

I hope that helps.

Also, both of my books are available on audio at Audible. No Bad Kids, Toddler Discipline Without Shame and Elevating Child Care, A Guide To Respectful Parenting. You can also get them in paperback at Amazon and an ebook at Amazon, Barnes and Noble, and Apple.com.

We can do this.

The post When a Child Can’t Get Her Act Together in the Morning appeared first on Janet Lansbury.

The post Struggles With Dressing And Diaper Changes appeared first on Janet Lansbury.

Frustration mounts, guilt and doubt seep in… What if she really dislikes her school (we’ve chosen the wrong place!) or she isn’t ready yet (she’s too young!) and we’re forcing her to go? If we work a day job, we might worry that we should be staying home. But even if these are legitimate issues to consider, this certainly wouldn’t be the time.

We finally resort to begging and pleading, or perhaps even consequences and punishments. And still, our child won’t budge. It’s maddening.

But there’s one thing we haven’t done: Just let the feelings be. We haven’t given our child the time, space, and silence she needs to be able to share with us, to know she’s been heard, and to feel the safety of our calm acceptance.

Really? Won’t this open the floodgates and completely undo us? We have concerns, BIG concerns like these:

Letting feelings be will take too long. It’s the opposite, in fact.  Acceptance only takes a moment or two and actually ends up saving us time we’d be spending in power struggles with our child.

Letting feelings be will mean we must sit with our child while she’s upset when we actually need to finish getting ourselves together and/or care for other children. A little wholehearted acceptance goes a long way. There’s nothing wrong with saying, “I need to go do such-and-such now, but I’ll come back in a couple minutes to check on you,” after we’ve calmly made eye contact and genuinely acknowledged, “You don’t want to go today.” Acceptance is a passive practice that doesn’t require us to do something or stay there waiting for our child to feel better.

Letting feelings be will make my child think that I’m giving in and that she won’t have to go. Not true. Not when we perceive the clearing of her feelings positively and receive them with confidence. Not when we embrace these difficult moments as golden opportunities to:

relieve our children of stress and nervousness
relieve our children with the knowledge that their feelings are healthy and safe and they can handle them.
relieve our children with trust in us and in themselves.

Heather’s story illustrates:

I wanted to share a success story with you! My husband and I enrolled our 4 year old daughter in a 2.5 hour per day, 5-day-a-week public preschool. It was not our first choice, and we are taking a few weeks to assess whether or not it will be a good fit for her long term. We only enrolled her to have opportunities to socialize with children her age, since none of our friends have young children.

This was her first week, and it was extremely rough for her. I have always stayed home with her, and we are together the vast majority of the time, so going to school was a huge change.

Yesterday was the worst day of the week. She cleverly hid all her shoes so I couldn’t find them before school, so for an hour I was frantically searching for them. When I finally found them and got them on her feet, she kept kicking them off screaming, “I don’t want to go!” over and over again.

When we got in the car, she kicked off her shoes again and was spitting on me from the backseat the entire way to school. Spitting is entirely uncharacteristic of her, so I knew she must have felt extremely uncomfortable.

That night I re-read a bunch of your old blogs and realized that though I was acknowledging her fears, it was on a very superficial level — just saying the words but not connecting with her first — so they were essentially meaningless. I also realized I was trying to “convince” her to have a good day. I would say, “But you will get to make so many fun projects! Will you make one for me?” I realize now that though well-intentioned, statements like that can be invalidating.

Today I took a completely different approach. When the time came to leave for school and she started screaming that she didn’t want to go, I kneeled down in front of her, looked into her eyes and said, “You really don’t want to go to school today.” She kept screaming, and I repeated myself a few more times. She stopped screaming, helped me pack her backpack and put it into the car, and then we had time to race up and down the driveway a few times before she jumped right into the car and into her car seat.

When we got to school, she got right in line with the other pre-k kids and waited for her teacher at the door. I gave her a kiss, said goodbye, and walked away. I am realistic enough to know that the resistance to school will probably happen over and over again, but I now know how to approach it. Thank you!”

Here’s another story, a message I received from Marion while I was writing this post (which I saw as a sign that it should be shared). Her daughter Marlowe is a recent “graduate” of one of my RIE Parent – Toddler Guidance Classes, and this experience made me miss her more than ever:

A quick thank you for all I learned in your RIE class. Marlowe had her third day of preschool today, and I sat with her, witnessing her cry and holding her hand before we left. I didn’t try to change her mind about being upset. I got her a little wet wash cloth. She cried for 20 minutes.

Then she just got up and said, “Ok, let’s go Mommy. When you leave, I’m going to draw you a picture”.

 ***

(Thank you to Heather and Marion for allowing me to share your stories)

Here’s a related podcast that might find helpful:

For more, I recommend these resources:

Helping Children Say Goodbye Without Distracting by Emily Plank, Abundant Life Children

I Accept the Mess: What Setting Limits Looks Like by Kelly Meier, Respectful Parent

5 Steps to a Peaceful Day Care Drop Off by Kate Russell, Peaceful Parent, Confident Kids

My podcasts, particularly the one above and also “When a Child Can’t Get Her Act Together in the Morning”

I share a complete guide to gentle leadership in my book,
No Bad Kids: Toddler Discipline Without Shame

(Photo by Bradley Gordon on Flickr)

The post The Secret to Getting out the Door with a Resistant Child appeared first on Janet Lansbury.

We may not remember these experiences as the years pass, but our hearts will. They were our much-needed proof that we were bonding. It was working. Our efforts were actually paying off despite numerous missteps and doubts. These are the moments that kept us going, but for most parents and kids, I imagine they didn’t include diaper changes.

If there is one abiding parenting truth I have realized and can swear to, it is that every interaction with our child – no matter how seemingly inconsequential, mundane, or repetitive – presents an opportunity to connect. Diaper changes are no exception. Consider how many take place in the formative years of our parent-child relationship and the dynamics involved: trust, intimacy, cooperation, self-care.

A parent shared this story about the positive (diaper) changes she and her toddler are experiencing:

Today my son came to me and said, “Mommy, come.” So I went into the room and he had his pants off, the diaper and wipes on the floor. He lay down with a big smile and said, “Mommy, change my diaper please.”

In that moment my whole RIE parenting journey felt validated.

When I started learning about Magda Gerber’s child care approach ten months ago, I was dangling toys in his face, singing loudly, and asking Daddy to do a salsa dance over his head. Diaper changes were a challenge to say the least. There was nothing connecting or present about that chore. It was an obstacle to overcome. It was a dreadful time of the day usually ending in complete frustration for both parties. I was the version of a mother I had always imagined I would never become.

I began to read about giving full attention at caregiving times and using it as a time of connection and presence. Ritual. Ceremony. But I had developed a routine and, you know, it “worked.” I could give  him a phone or a strange object from around the house or do a song and dance while changing, and he would stay still, and we would get through it many times. Giving that up seemed like suicide. But in general my parenting wasn’t working. I wasn’t feeling connected with either of my kids, and there was definitely a me-vs-them mentality most days. But mostly, I wasn’t the mother I wanted to be.

So I put the toys, the phone, and the song and dance away and tried this idea of full presence and sportscasting the event, inviting him to help by letting him know what I was going to do and giving a moment for him to cooperate, help, or acknowledge. It was sort of a disaster at first. There were chases and some very unfortunate poopy messes, but I was determined. I knew these people, these RIE people, were onto something. I could feel it in my bones. You know the truth when you hear it.

So I read some more. I asked questions on the RIE/Mindful Parenting Facebook page. At one point, I got discouraged and tried my old ways again, only to realize that once you understand what it is to see a child with the kind of respect I had learned through RIE, you really can never go back.

The diaper changes got better but for a while, but the process was unpleasant still. I thought, maybe coming so late to RIE I had missed the opportunity for this to really happen for me. I respectfully held him firmly while we changed, and that wasn’t quite what I was hoping for. Then I read some more about slowing down.

So I slowed down some more.

And then more still.

And it would take a long time to change a diaper. Still some days he would not cooperate no matter what I did. Then I read some more about connection and communication. I realized that maybe he was telling me some things. Maybe he was letting me know that he was going to push this boundary and exercise his power in the world, and he needed to see how I would respond. So I became committed to an “unruffled” response. I decided to let go of the dream of him slowly lifting each leg as I sportscasted the event, gazing lovingly into each other’s eyes. Instead, I decided to look at it as his time to tell me all about his new found abilities to make things happen and his curiosity about his effect on me. I wanted to make it very clear: I am ok with your pushing. Pushing is ok with me. Testing is ok with me. Showing me what you can do is ok with me. I will respond calmly to let you know that exploring your limits is ok.

Over time it just became part of our routine. Some days less present than others, and sometimes I was tempted to bring back my song and dance. But the other areas of our lives that had changed because of this type of interaction were too great. I knew there was no going back. And I knew that it would not always be easy or perfect, but that over the months things had changed in so many ways for the better that I was ok with that.

So today, when he came to me and said these things, I cried. Just a little and only for a moment, but there are these moments that are so rare where you see all your efforts and hard work pay off, and you realize how far you’ve come, and you are overwhelmed with emotion. Because it was not easy. But it was worth it.

And I write this down because so many things happened today in rapid succession that made me realize how far I’ve come, and I need to write them down and read them over again to remind myself of these things when the days aren’t so great — when things happen that make me lose sight of the journey and the progress. Who knew a diaper change could make you see all that?

“As a daily responsibility of parents and other carers of infants and toddlers, diapering is sometimes viewed as an unpleasant chore, a task of hygiene, a time separate from child’s play and learning. But in the process of diapering, we should remember that we are not only doing the cleaning, we are intimately together with the child.”

– Magda Gerber, Dear Parent: Caring for Infants With Respect

I share a complete guide to respectful care in my book,
Elevating Child Care: A Guide to Respectful Parenting 

I also recommend these articles:

Toddler Testing: Problem or Opportunity?  by Lisa Sunbury, Regarding Baby

Changing the Change Table Relationship by Kate Russell, Peaceful Parents, Confident Kids

Walk the Line – Diaper Changing With a Toddler and Catch me if you can – Diaper Changing With a Mobile Infant  by Nadine Hilmar, Mamas in the Making

Dealing With Diaper Changing Disasters and How to Love a Diaper Change on this blog

(Photo by Darren Johnson on Flickr)

The post The Evolution of a Diaper Change appeared first on Janet Lansbury.

Hi Janet,

My daughter will be 2 in a week, and I’ve been watching her freaking out lately in a very specific way.

Here’s how it goes: If I am helping my daughter get dressed because we have to be somewhere relatively soon, she’ll suddenly say “No shoes!” or “No coat!” I will generally sympathize with her because she may have wanted to dress herself. So I explain why we are doing it together.  If she continues to say “No Shoes!”, I might guess, “You don’t want to wear those shoes?” She will always say no.  I will ask, “Do you want to wear a different pair of shoes?”  And she will say Yes.  So I get a different pair, and we will begin putting them on together.

Then she will yell “No shoes!” and then throw them.  I tell her we have to put shoes on because it’s time to go, and she will say “Yes shoes!” and run to get them.  Then “No Shoes! Yes Shoes! No! Yes!” and on.   Lately, she’s taken to saying “Different shoes!” or “Different coat!” right away.

Another example: Sometimes she will wake up in the middle of the night and ask for water, and it’s the same thing: “Yes water! No water! Want Mommy’s water! Want my water!  Don’t want water!  Want to go back to bed and lie down holding the water!”  And meanwhile, I know she’s thirsty, so I offer her the water or put it back on the desk while she’s machinating in her own crazy way, or tell her calmly that we can’t lie down with the water because it will spill all over her.  In this case, of course, it’s exhaustion standing in the way of her getting what she wants, but the point is that I want to help her through this stuff as effectively as I can.

Sometimes I try echoing back what she’s saying, asking questions about what the issue is.  Sometimes I just stand back and let her have her own battle.  Sometimes I talk to her about indecision and how hard it is to make up our minds when there are choices, and that there’s always tomorrow to wear the other thing. Sometimes, I have the tantrum with her, yelling at the shoes or water too.  This seems to be the quickest route to her getting through it all.

Any hints for me that will help us both through this interesting phase of my daughter’s growth?

Thanks for all that you do!

Elisabeth

Hi Elisabeth,

First of all, kudos to you for your patience and compassion in these frustrating situations. I actually had my own “a-ha” moment reading your note, because I’m embarrassed to say that I can totally relate to your daughter’s indecision “meltdowns” around getting dressed. You’ve made me realize that my struggles aren’t about not having enough clothes, or even the right clothes, but actually because I’m feeling tired or anxious. At times like those, making any decision can seem overwhelming. The lessons we learn from toddlers!

Your daughter’s behavior is also a classic manifestation of the internal battle toddlers face as they struggle to develop more personal control and independence — their “will”.   Psychologist Erik Erikson deemed this developmentally appropriate period of conflict (which lasts from approximately 18 months to 3 years of age) “Psychosocial stage 2: Autonomy vs. Shame and Doubt”.

So, the first thing to know is that these struggles are normal and not to be feared. Here are a few hints for helping your daughter through these episodes:

1. Perspective is the first step for responding in an attuned manner to our children’s behavior. As I mentioned, “indecision meltdowns” are developmentally appropriate. They are impulse driven, not something young children can control. So, this isn’t conscious manipulation, “misbehavior” or a signal that we’re raising an unruly child who needs us to teach her a lesson.

Gaining this perspective helps us to remember to breathe, remain calm and get the emotional distance we need to accept our child’s feelings, rather than perceiving the meltdowns as our “fault” and/or believing it’s our responsibility to make them stop.  Although acceptance gets a bit easier with perspective and practice, I don’t think it is ever possible to feel entirely comfortable when people we love, especially our own children, are struggling. Witnessing our children’s emotional struggles is one of the most challenging, and the most important, aspects of parenting.

2. Connect by accepting and acknowledging your child’s perspective, however unreasonable it might seem. Acknowledging joins us with our child right where she is, keeps us in the moment, and allows her feelings to be expressed.  I suggest saying only what you know, because that will help you to be accurate. Avoid assuming, projecting into the situation or rushing your child through her feelings. If she’s having a full-blown tantrum, it’s best to just quietly accept, maybe nod your head until she’s calmed down enough to hear you and accept your help.

So if she is saying “No shoes! No coat”, I would simply reflect, “You are saying NO, you don’t want to put on your shoes or your coat. You don’t feel like doing this right now.”

Focus on calmly settling into that feeling with her, rather than guessing at the cause or trying to resolve the issue. If she continues to be upset, you might repeat, “You really don’t want to get dressed this morning.”

Sometimes this is all children need to be able to move on: the assurance that we are really hearing them. Alternatively, acknowledging is seldom effective if it is used impatiently or as a calming “tactic”, because children sense those agendas.

If your daughter tries to put the shoes or coat on herself and you see that she becomes frustrated for that reason, then acknowledge: “You want to get those on and you’re having such difficulties. That’s so frustrating, isn’t it?” Again, stay right there with her and allow her to express these feelings before you offer to help.

Elisabeth, I believe having a tantrum with your daughter has been “the quickest route to her getting through it all” because like acknowledging, joining her in a tantrum shows her you understand. However, I don’t recommend imitating her tantrum, because that might make her feel ridiculed or shamed (although it might be a good release for you!). Simply acknowledging your child’s perspective works best, because it is respectful and honest.

Let’s quickly take a look at your other responses in order to understand why they weren’t helping your daughter…

Sometimes I try echoing back what she’s saying, asking questions about what the issue is.  If “echoing” means acknowledging — wonderful. But it is next to impossible for a toddler to think reasonably enough to answer questions while she is upset.

Sometimes I just stand back and let her have her own battle. She needs more support.

Sometimes I talk to her about indecision and how hard it is to make up our minds when there are choices, and that there’s always tomorrow to wear the other thing. The first part of this is getting there, but “there’s always tomorrow” is downplaying the moment, or trying to talk her out of her immediate feelings.

3. Minimize choices, especially during transitions like getting dressed, because these tend to be the most challenging times for toddlers. Toddlers are already in the midst of a massive transition toward greater autonomy, so you can imagine how overwhelming it is to make a bunch of minor daily transitions on top of that. Besides, toddlers live in the moment, so although they want to go to the park, they don’t necessarily want to do what they need to do — right now — in order to get there. Offering toddlers just two options gives them a better chance of resolving the situation feeling autonomous rather than overwhelmed.

4. Help by making choices for your toddler when she cannot.

If she continues with “Yes shoes, no shoes”, I would acknowledge: “It’s so hard to decide, isn’t it?” allowing her that feeling as well. And then, finally: “This is so very hard for you today. Here, I’m going to help you.” If you’ve allowed her to express her feelings fully, she will probably be open to your help.

If you want to give her the choice of another pair of shoes, I would present this either in the very beginning, or as, “Oh, hey, I just realized there’s another option. Would you like these or the red ones?”

“Another example: Sometimes she will wake up in the middle of the night and ask for water, and it’s the same thing: “Yes water! No water! Want Mommy’s water! Want my water!  Don’t want water!  Want to go back to bed and lie down holding the water!”

In this case, your daughter clearly needs you to be the one to choose for her, while again acknowledging her feelings. I would make it a point to be very calm and boring so as not to awaken her more. As always, don’t buy into the drama. Nod your head to let her know you accept her feelings and (if she can hear you) acknowledge, “Wow, you woke up and wanted water, but you are unsure. You sound very confused and upset.” And then, when she is calmer, “Here, I will hold this cup for you while you drink.”

I hope this helps!

Warmly,

Janet

Recommended resources:

Books

My book: No Bad Kids: Toddler Discipline Without Shame

Your Two Year Old: Terrible or Tender by Louise Bates Ames

Your Self-Confident Baby and Dear Parent by Magda Gerber

The Emotional Life of the Toddler by Alicia F. Lieberman

1, 2, 3, The Toddler Years by Irene Van der Zande and the Santa Cruz Toddler Care Center Staff

Blogs

Understanding Your Toddler – Why She Does the Things She Does and Lisa Sunbury’s many other toddler posts on regardingbaby.org

For the Love of a Tantrum by Darcy L. Walker, Core Parenting

The Tether  by Emily Plank, Abundant Life Children

Pushing My Buttons and the many other insightful posts on Educating the Heart

Let Your Feelings Flourish, one of my favorite posts on Teacher Tom’s wonderful blog

(Photo by Stephanie Chapman on Flickr)

The post How to Help Our Indecisive Toddlers appeared first on Janet Lansbury.

I stumbled upon your website a few weeks ago and have been slowly reading my way through the articles (which I love!). I appreciate your guidance and your gentle and respectful approach to parenting.

I am a single mom to a 14-month old baby boy, Aidan. While he is a delight 99.99% of the time, he is now starting to test his boundaries and check out his (and my!) limits during diaper changes. He kicks, shouts, and tries to hit me during the diaper process, so now it has become something I absolutely dread. I’m sure he can feel my stress, which I think exacerbates the problem, but of course, it’s a necessary part of our day (I use cloth diapers too, which means more changes per day than with disposables!). I try to stay calm and tell him it hurts me when he hits and kicks, but so far nothing has changed. I realize it is not fun to change the course of a fun day (whether he’s playing or reading or getting ready to eat, or go outside, etc), but even with me preparing him verbally and telling him we will resume/start the fun activity after, he is a nightmare to change! Of course, with his kicking, hitting and shouting, the process takes longer – something I wish I could get across to him!

If you have any words of advice that I could use to make our diaper change process go a bit more smoothly, I would be so grateful!

Many thanks,

Colleen 

Hi Colleen,

Thanks for your kind words!

Smooth diaper changes might have to remain a sweet remembrance of your boy’s younger months, but here are some ideas for improving the situation for both of you…

1. Perspective. Testing is exactly what your toddler is supposed to be doing right now, so don’t fret. You are absolutely right about your stress making things worse. Remember, he’s a tiny person and you’re a much bigger grown-up. Don’t let his behavior get to you!

Take a deep breath and project a sense of not only calm, but confidence…believe this is no big deal at all. “Act as if”, and you’ll soon feel less stressed and more able to give him the security he’s looking for from you. Be the duck gliding on the water, though probably kicking your feet furiously below the surface. Let go of the situation a little. This is not a disaster (though I loved your “diaper changing disaster” subject line), an exam or measurement of your abilities as a mother.

2. A place of strength. Very important… when he hits, kicks, etc., don’t say “that hurts me”, unless you can say it in a very neutral manner. In other words, don’t expect him to stop what he’s doing out of sympathy for you. Not that he isn’t a lovely guy, he just isn’t there with the sympathy yet (maybe in a few years).  Instead, he’s asking you to help him by providing firmer guidance. He needs to be assured that his mommy can and will stop him from doing things that hurt or bother her or are unsafe. Stop him as gently but confidently as you can, rather than appealing to him to stop, because when you do that you seem a little weak and he’s then left feeling uncomfortably powerful. Come from a place of strength rather than weakness. It may seem like a subtle difference, but children are very sensitive to our tone and demeanor in these situations.

3. Stop him. Hold his feet or hands (gently, but firmly) and say, “I won’t let you hit me” or “I don’t want you to hit me” while remaining calm and matter-of-fact. If he repeats the action, just stop him again the same way.

4. Acknowledge, acknowledge, acknowledge (another magic parenting word). Rather than telling him how fun it’s going to be afterwards, focus on acknowledging and validating his point-of-view. For example (as you suggested): “I realize it is not fun to change the course of a fun day” (whether he’s playing or reading or getting ready to eat, or go outside, etc.)” Add to that some acknowledgements about what’s going on in the moment, like “I know it’s hard to hold still while I fasten your diaper. You feel like hitting me, but I won’t let you. We’ll stop for a moment so that you can calm down. You look uncomfortable… let’s find another position that you can stay in while I wipe you off. “

5. Be flexible. Give him the option of standing and bending over for wipes, if you can manage that safely. If not, consider changing him on the floor.

6. Slow down. Include, rather than distract him. See the humor. Our babies grow and change at a rapid pace. It’s hard to remember that they are able to do new things on an almost daily basis. Keep your mind open to new ways he can participate. Let him hold things, do things, make choices. Ask for his assistance (from a place of strength, like a confident boss would). Do all you can to make diapering a shared task, rather than something you are doing to him. Let him try fastening the diaper cover. Squeeze out a little diaper cream for him to apply on himself. It doesn’t matter if he does a less than stellar job of it.

Slow down. Rather than rush when he’s screaming, kicking and hitting, go even slower. Take a little break and just acknowledge. “This is crrrazy today!” Finding humor in the situation might inspire you to be playful, create some silly “in” jokes and diapering games together. Children adore them and they provide a reason to look forward to the next diaper change.

These suggestions are applicable to feedings, baths, dressing, bedtime rituals, just about any toddler situation. When you take on the persona of a confident leader and your overall demeanor is relaxed, accepting, and inclusive, the struggles should subside…or at least not bother you as much.

Hope this helps…

Warmly,

Janet

(More about respectful care in my book, Elevating Child Care: A Guide to Respectful Parenting)

(Photo by bradfordnoble on Flickr.)

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