Transcript of “Not Easy to Cut Off Screen Time”

Hi, this is Janet Lansbury. Welcome to Unruffled. Today, I’m responding to an email from a parent who has recently seen some positive results from removing electronics from her three-year-old’s bedtime routine. And now, she wants to see if she can make all the screens disappear from her daughter’s daily routine, but she’s wondering how to help her through this transition.

​​Here’s the email I received:

“Janet, thank you for everything you say. My daughter is nearly three and very into electronics. I won’t lie here. It’s our fault. Since she was less than a year, the TV has been a constant foreground and background entertainer. Somehow, we allowed an iPad to become a part of her daily routine and I’m only now really starting to understand how disruptive these devices can be. We have started turning off the TV after 5:00 p.m. and already noticed a difference in her sleep, evening mood, readiness for bedtime, etc.

But during the day, it is a real struggle. She asks for her iPad all the time, especially when she’s feeling overwhelmed or needing a break from what she’s doing. Does that make sense? I’d like to take it away cold turkey, but I’m not sure how to help her through the transition. I’d really love some advice on how to go about this and what to say when explaining why this change is happening. Thank you so much.”

​Okay, so this kind of change for our child needs to be approached like any limit that we would set. And that means, number one, we have to be very confident that we’re making the right decision, that what we’re doing is the most loving thing for our child. If we have any doubts around that, it’s going to be much harder for our children to adapt to these changes. That’s step one, which in this case, might be understanding that the way this little girl is using the electronics is actually not that healthy…

​She’s using it when she’s feeling overwhelmed or needing a break from what she’s doing. And, really, those overwhelmed feelings, those bored feelings, those “I need to rest” feelings or frustration, whatever it is that’s making her want to take a break, those are all feelings that are very healthy and really need to be expressed and removed from her body by sharing them.

Children at this age, they usually share it by whining and crying and repeatedly asking us for things. And they’re just “Ugh!” It’s that feeling that I think we can all relate to of not really having the energy to do something else and we just want to do something easy and entertaining that will just take us out of this moment we’re in.

​Now, maybe it is okay to do that kind of thing when we’re older, but for children this age, it really isn’t positive for them to be reaching for fixes for their feelings because what happens is then the feelings aren’t expressed and they get stored up and it makes it harder for them to feel them at another time. These feelings of boredom and in between, and “I don’t really want to do this,” or “I’m tired,” will all ideally be normalized for children so that they have a lot of experience going through them and getting to the other side of them. And knowing that, yeah, it is uncomfortable for a few moments there, but then it passes. And the more children can experience that, the more resilience they will have, the easier life will be for them.

​Let’s face it, we all have a lot of bored, uncomfortable, in-between moments in our life and giving our children the message that those are a healthy part of life, as well as the parts where we are engaged and we are into something, is a wonderful gift and an important gift. With all of that in mind… And there may be some other post on my website that might be helpful to this parent and encouraging to her to feel confident about these limits she’s going to set… I have a post on my site called “Miracles That Happen When We Turn Off TV” that talks about parents’ experiences with their children’s newfound creativity and engagement and their long attention span and things that are healthy for them where actually their minds are doing the work to focus and how this happened because TV was taken out of the picture.

​There’s also a wonderful website called Screen-Free Parenting and Dr. Meghan Owenz, who is the author of that site, we have a podcast together that is called: “The Facts about your Kids and Screen Time” and I think you might find that very encouraging for the approach that you want to take here. Also, she has a written post on my site, a guest post, “Screen-Time Studies Parents Should Know About.”

​Once we’ve taken step one, which is total conviction, then we’re ready for step two, and this holds true with any kind of boundary that we’re going to set. We have to have conviction.

If you’re looking up to your parents as leaders which children do, they’ve got to be sturdy in their beliefs. They’ve got be certain for us to be able to go through the changes we need to go through. Also, this parent’s own experience will help her with that, since she already is experiencing the great difference with turning off the TV after 5:00 p.m.

​With all that encouragement to be sure of ourselves, now, we can face our child asking for the iPad all the time. Yes, in the beginning, that’s going to happen. That’s going to be the early part of this transition.

Sharing that thought with our parents that we want it. We want it. We want it. Our ability to let go of this is going to be dependent on again, our parents’ conviction and their response.

When we have total conviction in our actions as parents, we are quite willing for our children to feel unhappy with our decision.

​The more you can let her know, “Ah, yes, you’re thinking about it again. I hear you. Ah, it’s so hard, isn’t it, when you were doing that all the time and now, I’m saying no to that? It’s really hard. I hear you.” Not that we’ll say all those words, but that is our attitude, that we really welcome our child to go through the discomfort. And I would approach this with her as, “Yes, we were letting you do this. We’ve decided that it’s not healthy for you to be doing this all day and so now, we’re going to say no to it.”

​But again, we’re quite willing to hear disagreement with our decision, our child’s discomfort with our decision. We want to hear that, in fact. We welcome that. We roll out the red carpet for those feelings. That’s what will help her to pass through this more quickly. If those things aren’t in place, if we’re a little uncomfortable, or if we’re a little unsure or if we just want our child to not make us feel worse by having their feelings around this and to just kind of get better, an “It’s okay, you’re fine” kind of approach, then we’re not allowing the feelings to flow and for her to make that transition.

​This is the courageous part. There are so many courageous parts of parenting. This is one of them: setting limits, making changes. I would totally cop to, “Yes, we were letting you do it a lot, I know. We feel we made a mistake and now, we’re going to do it this way.” Coming from that conviction in yourself. This mother asked, “Does that make sense?”

Oh, yes, it does make sense to me, but she’s going to be asking for it all the time. I don’t know if any of you have ever had a habit with certain foods or cigarettes or alcohol or anything that you wanted to change and how hard that is with all the feelings that come up. Those impulses are really strong… to go to those things that get us out of where we are, that make us feel a little better.

​I would not expect this to be at all easy for her but I actually think if this parent has conviction, the shift children make is usually surprisingly quick. But I still think our expectation — for us to be in the right head space — has to be, “I’m going to get blasted. She’s going to be uncomfortable. This is going to be tough for a couple of days.” And then you may be surprised that it’s even shorter than that. This parent says, “I’d like to take it away cold turkey but I’m not sure how to help her through the transition.”

​The way to help her through the transition is to be confident. Yes, I would do this cold turkey because it’s even harder for children to let go when they are sometimes allowed the habit and sometimes not. Parents can say, “Only these certain times on the weekend and the afternoon,” but they will have to face maybe a few more days of the asking all the time, because the child just wants to be clear so that the child can let go. They’re just asking for clarity.

​To help her through the transition, be clear. Be confident, and it would be nice to not be using these devices around her. That might be difficult for this parent, but I think if she does need to use her phone or something, I would say, “Now, I’m going to use this phone because I need to talk to daddy or I need to do this specific thing,” so that you’re really sharing with her what you’re doing. You’re being honest about it. You’re being upfront. But I would not have the TV on around her. I would not be using the iPad around her. I would do those things when she is taking a nap or asleep at night or you are away from her. That will make it easier on her and, therefore, easier on the parent to not have her asking quite as much as she would if this is around her all the time.

​This parent’s actual question to me is, “I’d really love some advice on how to go about this and what to say when explaining why this change is happening.”

You decided, as parents that adore her and need to be the best parents for her, that this wasn’t something you wanted for her during the day anymore or this is something that you don’t want her to be using. It’s better for her brain not to. You don’t have to have a lot of explanation. Just be simple and come from a place of: “We are doing the hardest thing because we are so passionate about being the best parent for you.”

​That’s what I always told myself, and I believe it’s true, when I had to do these hard things that I knew we’re going to make my child unhappy in the moment. I had to see the bigger picture. I had to be the adult, the parent, the big person and the fearless person. Yes, there is some messiness that happens and a lot of discomfort, and then we’re amazed. And like I said before, it’s usually much easier than we thought it was going to be.

​I hope that helps and as I said before, please check out some of those other articles and my podcast with Meghan Owenz, “The Facts About Your Kids and Screen Time.” I think you’ll appreciate that. 

Also, please checkout some of my other podcasts at janetlansbury.com. website. They’re all indexed by subject and category so you should be able to find whatever topic you’re interested in. And remember I have books on audio at Audible.com, No Bad Kids, Toddler Discipline Without Shame and Elevating Child Care, A Guide To Respectful Parenting. You can also get them in paperback at Amazon and an ebook at Amazon, Barnes and Noble, and Apple.com.

Also I have an exclusive audio series, Sessions. There are five individual recordings of consultations I’ve had with parents where they agree to be recorded and we discuss all their parenting issues. We have a back and forth that for me is very helpful in exploring their topics and finding solutions. These are available by going to sessionsaudio.com and you can read a description of each episode and order them individually or get them all about three hours of audio for just under $20.

Thanks for listening. We can do this.

The post Not Easy to Cut Off Screen Time appeared first on Janet Lansbury.

1. Judging isn’t helping

Our children’s behavior is always reflective of their comfort level. Unkind, controlling and even aggressive impulses are eased when they are accepted and, ideally, understood, rather than shamed or punished. It’s very common for older siblings to assert dominance as a way of countering the loss of control they feel around the existence of their younger sibling. They need our help with these impulses when they become unsafe or destructive, but the behavior makes sense.

2. Judging drives a wedge between us

When children routinely sense our impatience, annoyance and anger with them, they can’t help but feel ashamed and rejected. We’ve likely all heard some form of the expression “children need us most when they are at their worst.” Nothing could be truer. Children flourish when they feel accepted by their parents, warts and all. Distance between us is frightening for them, and their discomfort might lead to more negative behavior. Perhaps worse, the feelings can go underground and affect self-worth.

3. Judging is an unproductive use of our energy

Our over-involvement and micromanagement are unproductive, because they tend to fan flames of conflict and negative behavior. And besides being generally futile, our investment in fixing play or sibling relationships can easily wear us out, making us even more impatient and on edge, which in turn can create more erratic behavior and limit pushing, continuing the cycle.

4. Judging is labeling and limiting

Our judgments are sensed by our children and can cause them to self-identify as bad guys or victims. Like all labels, these can be self-fulfilling prophecies and are, at best, restricting and inhibiting for each of the children involved.

5. Judging creates resentment between siblings

From the older sibling’s perspective, it’s hard to have positive feelings for someone who’s not only forced themselves into your life and made you share your beloved parents, but also unwittingly caused you to behave in a manner that has turned you into the “bad guy” in their eyes. Our children have such a deep need for our acceptance that our judgments can be almost suffocating, making it much harder for them to feel good about themselves, which is the oxygen they need to establish a loving and generous relationship with each other.

6. Judging interferes with learning.

One of the many positives of siblings is that both children get an abundance of practice developing adaptive social skills, like conflict resolution, self-regulation, problem solving, and role-play. As with all learning, young children are the experts in the room. Yes, they need our safe boundaries and intervention when their impulses overwhelm them (separate, age-appropriate play spaces can be a helpful preventative boundary, because they allow children opportunities to choose to play on their own). But generally, kids learn best when we give them as much free rein as possible.

7. Judging is myopic

As often as not, our judgments are a total misread of our children’s perspective and experience. Laura’s video of sibling domination (which looks pretty gnarly to me!) demonstrates:

“I wanted to post a success. I have a really hard time not stepping in when my 3-year-old grabs toys from her 10-month-old little brother. Had I stepped in here when she took the block, I would have disrupted their play.”

If we come from a place of basic trust and empathy, we can intervene selectively, calmly, and neutrally, with openness to each child’s perspective and feelings.

Trust sees children in their most positive light and gives them the best chance of succeeding. Most of us will perform best at any job or role when we are entrusted with it, rather than over-managed, doubted or nit-picked. Children are no different.

Trust places ownership of sibling relationships where it belongs – strictly between the children involved. In truth, their relationships will always be their own, so we may as well let go. We will never have the power to dictate how they feel about each other.

Trust builds confidence.

Trust and empathy heal wounds, repair mistakes, bring us closer.

Children thrive when we believe in their basic goodness.

I share more about challenging behavior, boundaries, and emotional health in
No Bad Kids: Toddler Discipline Without Shame

For more about sibling issues, I recommend:

Siblings Without Rivalry by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish (one of my all-time favorite parenting books)

Ask the Parent Coach: 7 Ways to Help Your Child Adjust to a New Baby by Susan Stiffelman

A Call for Sunshine and Enlightened by Nadine Hilmar

Sibling Conflicts by Lisa Sunbury

Dealing With Sibling Aggression by Amanda Morgan

My posts: Surviving Sibling Struggles, From Resentment to Friendship, and 4 Reasons to Relax About Sibling Toy Taking

(Photo by Mads Bødker on Flickr)

The post 7 Reasons to Stop Judging (and Start Trusting) Sibling Play appeared first on Janet Lansbury.

What are we so afraid of? This is the question that came up for me when Karen shared this discouraging incident:

Hi Janet,
I had a very unfortunate experience taking my 3-year-old to his first Easter Egg Hunt. The announcers insisted many times that no parents cross the tape with the kids (except for the ‘babies’ age group)… So in the 2&3-year-old group, I waited behind a line of a few kids and parents and got ready to video my son when they said, “Go.” Next thing I know, parents stormed the field, pushing their own kids to go faster and picking up the eggs for their kids. My son didn’t stand a chance.  He got zero eggs.  He wandered around for a few moments looking but then just stood there confused. Luckily, I was more bothered by the whole thing than he was, but I couldn’t help but think how sad it was and how the scene epitomized a very negative aspect of our parenting culture.

We will have our own Easter egg hunt at home from now on, actually hiding eggs. I thought of you, though, because I don’t blog, and this is worth discussing.

The video ends abruptly because I stopped shooting when I realized what was happening. Now I wish I’d kept the video running longer.  A picture’s worth a thousand words. I know I don’t have to explain what is wrong with this scenario — you already know.
(Sigh)

Karen and Hughey (3)

Hm. Well, off the top of my head, I would point out that rather than enjoying an age-appropriate adventure, an opportunity to socialize with peers, and possibly finding an egg or two, these children learned:

1. You can’t do it yourself, so you need parents to do it for you
2. Don’t bother following directions
3. Egg hunts are about competing to get the most “stuff”

Your thoughts?

(I share a somewhat similar experience in my post: Why Not Draw for a Child?)

Photo by Ian Burt on Flickr 

The post When Parents Invade Childhood (A Lesson in Distrust) appeared first on Janet Lansbury.

So, it was a big “Ah-ha” for me when I discovered through my training with child specialist Magda Gerber that our well-meaning support can often be less helpful than we intend it to be. In fact, it might even undermine our goal of raising self-confident, resilient, motivated kids.

For example, what might have been gained or lost by helping this two year old?

If you’re like me, you wanted to help him. You really did. (And he wasn’t even remotely frustrated!) But by doing so, he would have been deprived of the invaluable gift of discovery; the opportunity to practice tenacity, focus, persistence, patience; the chance to own his accomplishment and learn “I can do it!”

Our patience and restraint are a challenge, but they allow for golden opportunities. And we can still help by using these “helpful” hints:

1. Always, always, always respond to a request for help.

2. Be mindful that the way we respond matters. Observe and think before acting.

3. The definition of “help” is not “fix it”:

• Help is paying attention. When children ask our help, we might reply, “Sure, I’ll help! What are you doing?” More often than not, all the help children need is for us to be quietly available.
• Help is supporting our children when they express frustration by acknowledging, “Whew, that’s a tough one. You are working hard and making progress.”
• Help is calming ourselves rather than cluttering our child’s experience with our own worries, anxiety, and doubt.
• Help is maintaining a positive, accepting attitude toward struggles (after all, life is chock full of them!) so that they are normalized for our child.
• Help is losing our focus on results, which means taking our eye off the prize and remaining right where our child is in the process.
• Help is trusting our children to leave self-chosen tasks unfinished and perhaps return to them later or not, as they wish.
• Help is offering minimal suggestions and then, only if frustration builds, offering the slightest bit of assistance. Helping as minimally as possible allows children full ownership of their success, whether at that moment or at some later time.

Rather than give the message, “When you are in trouble, you scream and I rescue you,” we would like to convey the feeling, “I think you can handle it, but if not, I am here.” – Magda Gerber, Dear Parent: Caring for Infants With Respect

(Inspiring video and lovely photo by Karen Lewis Dalton!)

I share more about this respectful approach in

Elevating Child Care: A Guide to Respectful Parenting

The post Don’t Help This Child appeared first on Janet Lansbury.

Each week I’m inspired by delightful interactions between babies as young as 3 months old during my parent/infant classes at Resources for Infant Educarers (RIE). Just when I think I’ve seen it all, they show me something new.  This was a first for me: a 4-month-old boy perfectly echoing his enamored friend’s “hello”.

We’ll unfortunately never know for sure what’s going on in these little guys’ minds, but their mutual joy and fascination is palpable. We make these enriching and educational experiences possible by providing safe, emotionally nurturing environments and regular opportunities to engage in baby-led play. Here are some details:

1. Believe babies capable

After observing infants and toddlers engaging in play for close to twenty years, it stuns me to still hear parents (and even some experts) comment that independent play isn’t healthy, desirable or even possible for infants. When advisers insist that infants need to be in our arms or carriers for most of the day — implying that they shouldn’t initiate activities or engage with their environment without adult direction — you can only assume that these experts have never spent time observing freely moving infants.

2. Person-to-person communication and responsive care

But babies shouldn’t be just plopped down to play. They are only comfortable leaving our arms when they have gained the sense of security and confidence we nurture through our respectful communication and attuned care. Attunement during play time means observing and listening to our infant’s cues, asking questions and allowing our baby time to indicate readiness before we pick her up or place her down to play. If she’s obviously not in the mood that day (or moment), we ask if she’d like to be picked up again for a little break while we stay seated on the floor. We may discern a specific need (like gas or hunger), address it, and then afterwards try letting our baby play again if she seems interested.

3. Regular free play opportunities

For babies and toddlers especially, familiarity and predictability breed confidence, so offering play opportunities in the same place, at the same general time, and with the same children and adults makes it far more possible for play to flourish. Some babies are more sensitive to new situations and need plenty of time to look around from the safety of our arms. Trust their process.

4. Patience, acceptance, trust

Young children always do the best they can in any particular situation on any particular day. For our baby’s peer play to blossom, we must let go of our ideas, agendas, worries and accept whatever happens (safety permitting, of course). When young children sense something other than trust and acceptance emanating from their parents or caregivers, they’re far less likely to be comfortable venturing away from us. Again, be patient, accepting and trust.

5. Quiet observation

My favorite part of each of our 90-minute RIE classes is “quiet observation time”, because that is when the magic happens (or at least when we notice it). It’s easy to forget how overwhelming and over-stimulating even our “inside voices” can be for young children. Some days the children might seem a little cranky and out of sorts, and then we realize that the volume in the room is way too high. When we are quiet and observant, babies are more inclined to become intently focused on their inner-directed activities, and we are inclined to learn an incredible amount while enjoying and appreciating them immensely.

Enjoying these play experiences and discoveries with our babies is a brilliant way to bond.

For more details about forming playgroups of your own, please read The Baby Social Scene – 5 Hints for Creating Safe and Joyful Playgroups.

  I share more about capable babies and free play in

Elevating Child Care: A Guide to Respectful Parenting

(Thanks so much to the Floyd and Eckhart families for allowing me to share the adorable video of your awesome boys!)

The post Baby Talk – Don’t Miss The Magic appeared first on Janet Lansbury.

This assumes, of course, that we believe babies are capable communication “partners” and want to encourage that partnership. It assumes we are aware that even the youngest infants are able to connect with us person-to-person, mind-to-mind, heart-to-heart, feel our support and receive our empathetic responses. It also assumes that babies are whole people who (just like us) ultimately feel calmer, more confident, connected, more themselves with people who “get” them, rather than those well-meaning adults who preempt listening with an immediate reaction.

Michael and his mom provided an enlightening demonstration during a recent RIE Parent/Infant Guidance Class:

If Michael had wanted to be picked up, he would have let his mom know. In previous instances, Michael’s mom picked him up right away, and we noticed that he would almost immediately lean toward the floor and indicate his wish to go back down and continue playing. Since Michael is able to scoot across the floor, he can clearly indicate his wishes to separate from his mom to explore and can also autonomously return to his “secure base”.

If his mom was unsure whether or not she should pick him up, she might simply ask, “Do you want me to pick you up?” When parents practice this kind of communication, babies learn to indicate “yes” (or their crying escalates, which usually also means “yes”). “Okay, I’m going to pick you up.”

After viewing the video, it seems to me that Michael was expressing stranger anxiety. A father had arrived who hadn’t attended this class before, and his presence seemed to instigate Michael’s reaction. Michael then needed to check in with his mom and tell her about it.

Learning to communicate with our babies is a process that takes time, patience and restraint. It’s much easier to swoop down and scoop up the baby, but when that is our default response we miss opportunities to deepen our connection and convey affirming, confidence-building messages like these:

• I trust you to tell me what you need.
• I want to hear what you have to say.
• I won’t wither or panic when you cry.
• You are capable of handling this situation with my support.
• I am paying attention.
• I want to understand.
• I want to know you.

Michael’s mom and I are learning that he is a gifted communicator. He vocalizes thoughts and feelings readily. Babies like Michael, especially, need parents who can calm themselves and patiently listen rather than reacting as if everything they express through crying is a crisis or immediate call to action. These children are a blessing, because you never need to doubt that they will tell you what’s going on.

I predict many more of these lively and earnest mother and son conversations in Michael’s future.

“It seems so much easier to do something about crying: to pick up, move around, take for a ride, pat, bounce. When the baby cries, the first step is to try to determine why he cries, rather than to try to stop the crying. When you have eliminated hunger and the other standard discomforts and the baby is still crying, that is the time to tolerate crying, even to respect the infant’s right to cry. You might want to say, “I am here to help you, but I do not know what you need. Try to tell me.” If that is what you feel, share it; this is the beginning of communication.” – Magda Gerber

The post Would You Pick Up This Crying Baby? appeared first on Janet Lansbury.

Infants will astonish us with their innate abilities. The hard part is letting them.  We unwittingly train our children to be more dependent and needy than they might be by doing for them what they could be capable of doing themselves.  Yes, it’s quicker, easier and even feels more loving to hand a baby the toy she seems interested in, but by doing so, we can discourage something truly precious…

What would Ruby have learned if she had been handed her toy? (Raise your hand if you wanted to hand it to her. I did!) Or what if it had been moved right next to her?  She would have learned nothing developmentally useful except that there are more capable forces in the world – adults – who will do things for her.

But here are some of the empowering things she was able to experience and discover about herself because her mom believed in her, observed and listened, let her be:

Determination. Perseverance. Tenacity.  Enthusiasm.  Tremendous effort. Success. I can do it!

Proud mom Amy writes:

I took this video of Ruby (just a week shy of 6 months old) recently and it demonstrates one of the things I love most about RIE — the idea of letting babies have uninterrupted, self-directed play time with simple, open-ended toys. I see Ruby working hard reaching for a toy she wants. She tries over and over. A few times she bats it away by accident, but she keeps trying. She finally gets what she wants, but she doesn’t want a pat on the back (like I would) or my approval. She just wants to chew on that darn thing! When I see this type of “play” I can’t help but think/hope that these are life lessons she is learning that will stick with her for life.

Oh, and I apologize for my Darth Vadar breathing!

Kudos (and thanks!) to Amy and Ruby for this magnificent video!

You’ll find much more about play and raising capable babies in my book: Elevating Child Care: A Guide to Respectful Parenting 

The post Don’t Help This Baby appeared first on Janet Lansbury.

Hi Janet,

My wife Kristin mentioned that you might enjoy this little video of our 11 month old Siena doing some unique play.

A couple of things personally fascinate me about this activity of hers. She didn’t pick it up from anywhere; it just came out of nowhere. She truly enjoys it in the moment even if she has to take brief dizzy breaks. And there seems to be no particular functional skill she’s working on, no objects or external stimulation cues inspire her to spontaneously do this. She just needs a flat surface and goes at it for the joy in and of itself. It looks like a very pure example of “play” in my eyes. She’s actually gotten much faster and tighter spins since this video was taken. 

Regards,

Joe

Worth noting:

Honoring play

Siena freely expresses herself through play because her parents appreciate and respect her self-initiated activities. They allow her plenty of time each day to enjoy moving and playing independently. They don’t interrupt unnecessarily.

Cement

You might be thinking, “Yikes! She’s rolling around on cement pavement! Won’t she get hurt?” Interestingly, when we allow gross motor skills to develop naturally, provide plenty of time for babies to practice and don’t interfere, children can be trusted to know what they’re doing. Awareness is extremely high, both in terms of body awareness and awareness of the environment.

Not a milestone

Siena’s spinning won’t be found on any doctor’s checklist. This is no typical milestone — it’s one child’s unique discovery — and that’s the beauty of it. Children need our appreciation and encouragement for their creative choices, which for babies usually means the way they choose to move. When we focus on milestones we miss the magic.

I’m really glad that Joe and Kristin documented this, because chances are this stage will disappear, as most transitional moves do. Siena probably won’t be spinning once she starts walking, unless, of course, she does end up a break-dancer…and I wouldn’t put that past her.

Does your baby have unique moves? I’d love to hear about them…

Kristin, Joe and Siena, thanks so much for allowing me to share your video (and photo, above). You all ROCK!

The post Break-Dancing Baby: Self-Expression In Motion appeared first on Janet Lansbury.

Rule #1: More often than not, struggles and conflicts we might perceive negatively are viewed by infants and toddlers through an entirely different lens. Here’s an example…

During a recent RIE Parent/Toddler Guidance Class, a 14-month-old girl stood holding a miniature blue rubber bowl in her hand and a red one in her mouth. A boy a couple of months older walked over and took the bowl out of her mouth. I was sure the girl would be upset or, at least, complain, but I waited to gauge her reaction. She just looked at the boy with interest. Then the boy took a “sip” from the red bowl. The girl followed his lead, sipping from the blue bowl still in her hand. After this jovial toast they separated, moving on to other activities. A grandfather visiting that day had also witnessed the exchange, and we shared appreciative smiles. This would never have happened had I stopped the boy from taking the bowl or insisted he give it back.

Through infant expert Magda Gerber, I’ve learned that observing sensitively, taking cues from our children, intervening as minimally as possible and allowing situations to play out can bring surprising, positive results.

To demonstrate, here’s a new favorite video of mine depicting two types of toddler struggles. The first is a conflict of desires between two 21-month-old girls. Neither get’s upset. In fact, they seem to enjoy the mini-drama! See how the conflict ends triumphantly. The second is a struggle within this struggle in which a girl does get upset. Her screams might have compelled her mom to swoop in and scoop her up, but she instead remains calm and intervenes in a manner that allows her daughter to feel more able and successful. (All this in 2 minutes! No actors were hired.)

Experiences like these encourage children to develop:

Language – words like “blue”,  “box”, “sit down” and even abstract concepts like “right now” are understood and verbalized.

Social skills – communication, taking turns, self-control, delayed gratification.

Self-confidence and resiliency – I can do it (figure it out, handle it).  

Here are some guidelines for facilitating learning through healthy infant and toddler struggles:

1. If it looks like there might be a struggle or conflict developing, move closer as calmly and quietly as possible.

2. Observe and wait.

3. Keep children safe. Block any hitting, pushing, biting or hair pulling with your hand and say something brief and simple to the child like, “I won’t let you push. I see you want the toy. Joey is holding it now.” Be there to spot when children are struggling with a physical challenge–close enough to break a fall.

4. Reflect the situation evenly and non-judgmentally. (Magda Gerber called this “sportscasting“.) “You both want the toy. You’re both holding onto it.”

5. Acknowledge the feelings you see. “You seem frustrated. It’s hard to get out of the box, isn’t it?” (By the way, the girl in the video had climbed out of the box twice on her own quite easily, so I knew she could do it.)

6. If children continue to struggle and intervention seems necessary, try doing just a little to help so the children can learn and accomplish more. For example, if two children are both determined to have a toy, first point out an identical one (but don’t hand it to them). Or if a child is physically struggling, give direction and a bit of help the way  the mom in the video does.

7. Reflect on the incident afterwards (if the child seems interested) to help her absorb, process and learn from it.

“Following the RIE approach, we start with the least amount of help and intervention and then slowly increase it. We do expect and trust that even infants eventually learn most by working out conflicts all by themselves. If every time adults jump in and bring in their version of what is right, the children learn either to depend on them or defy them. The more we trust they can solve, the more they do learn to solve.” –Magda Gerber, Dear Parent: Caring For Infants With Respect  

 I share much more about this respectful approach in my book:

Elevating Child Care: A Guide to Respectful Parenting

The post Don’t Fix These Toddler Struggles appeared first on Janet Lansbury.

In A Creative Alternative To Baby TV Time, I speculated that parents desperately need breaks from the 24/7 job of baby care, especially in those first years (been there!). Sometimes TV can seem the easiest or only answer. The majority of these parents must not be aware that there is a healthier, safer way that’s guaranteed to have a positive impact on their baby’s developing brain…

Independent play keeps babies safely occupied, while also providing an essential developmental opportunity. Not only is inner-directed and uninterrupted play a profoundly educational, therapeutic, creative (the list goes on) activity for babies, it’s also the key to raising a child capable of self-entertainment. Provided with safe places to play, these babies have no need for TV.

The American Academy of Pediatrics corroborated these statements when it (all too briefly) mentioned a viable alternative to TV use in its recent update to recommendations for children under 2: leave the baby to play alone. Unfortunately, they neglected to include the most important element of solo play: a 100% safe, gated off area. Parents listening to the report might have been imagining their babies wandering around the house while they went to the bathroom and thinking, ‘no way am I going to do that!’ Nor should they.

Establishing the play ‘habit’ takes a bit more thought and conscious effort in the beginning than does sitting a baby in front of TV. It’s worth it, though, and I can’t imagine a better description of the process than the account and video sent to me by Kerry, a mum from New Zealand…

I’m so happy I’ve persevered with uninterrupted play. I can definitely see the results now. My baby is very content to explore his environment.

The biggest thing for me was TRUST – trusting him to move just the way he needs to, trusting him to spend his time doing what is most relevant to his learning, trusting him to let me know when he needs me. By doing this I have got more and more enjoyment out of observing him and I think we both get more satisfaction out of each small achievement.  It’s like watching life unfold.

I’ve also found it’s almost about going *against* your instincts – to not rattle a toy in his face when he’s day dreaming, to not help him straight away when he’s stuck or frustrated, to not ‘teach’ him how to reach his next milestone.  When he’s playing, he’s being, and by respecting that he’s learnt to love his time on the floor.

Kobe is my ‘proof’ that babies move through physical milestones naturally without the need for adult intervention or teaching. He has found his hands and feet, reached for toys, rolled one way, rolled the other, rolled back, turned in a circle, and I didn’t teach him a thing!

So that’s a couple things, otherwise I always place him on his back first, don’t use any equipment that restricts movement, give him opportunities to play every time he’s awake, give him full attention during care moments, leave the room sometimes when he’s settled and playing (always tell him I’ll be back in 1 minute), acknowledge eye-contact and any frustrations, and make time for interactive play time too (lots of cuddles and singing etc.). 

(Kerry mentioned that she accidentally erased the sound from this video, so we’re unable to hear Kobe reciting Shakespeare’s Sonnet 30 while he plays.)

P.S. Kobe has just started daycare and the teachers have commented on his agility and confidence in his movements, his ability to self-soothe and the way he anticipates and responds to adult’s actions…. I’m such proud mum!

I share more about child-led play and respectful care in my book: 

Elevating Child Care: A Guide to Respectful Parenting

Thank you, Kerry!

Kerry is an early childhood teacher in New Zealand and began working in a nursery 2 years ago which sparked her passion for respectful care and the RIE philosophy.  Since having Kobe 6 months ago she has been privileged to put into practice all she’s learnt and is amazed everyday at Kobe’s attentiveness, confidence and grace

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