Jennifer, I definitely agree that we need to take our children’s wants and needs into consideration, and we need to let them speak up respectfully when they feel the need to.
I think that what Janet is saying here is a bit different. A 3-year old should not have the power to boss us around. She should not say (at least in an ideal world), “Mommy, you MUST let go of the baby and take care of me first”. Obviously the toddler still needs to be taken care of, as Janet suggests, preempting it by saying “I will feed the baby soon, what can I do for you before that?” But they should not run the show.
Of course we all need to step back and reevaluate, but in a way that teaches a child that they must respect us and that we respect them, not in a way that gives them full control.

Thank you SO much for your wonderful posts Janet. You don’t spout off fluffy advice and leave us scratching our heads on how to implement things…you walk us through it and give specific words and examples of what we can say. Thank you for this.

Pam…the last poster plucked my question out of my brain and was so kind as to type it up without me having to do anything…so I second her question. What can we to in those cases?

Thank you so much for everything you do. Your quality articles are fresh air in a niche that has SO many opinions and approaches.

Thank you again!

Do you have advise for how to remain firm/calm while getting your child (my son is 4 1/2, so not a toddler) to cooperate and do things he must do like getting dressed for school, getting ready for bed, etc. He CAN do all of these things for himself, and sometimes he will do them without a battle, but when he doesn’t want to– how do we get him to cooperate without it causing a battle or power struggle? He seems to give my husband a particularly difficult time with these activities. I think he really likes to test my husband to see if “drama” will ensue.
Thank you!
Pam

How would you advise dealing with her when we are at a restaurant and she starts acting like a really manic child…almost resembles a severely ADHD child sometimes. I struggle with keeping her calm when I need her to be when in public!

Jennifer – after reading your link, one of the many flaws I see in Gordon’s approach is that children are asked to behave in order to please their parents. But children (particular toddlers and preschoolers) cannot be expected to want to please us all the time…and it’s dangerous for parents to believe they should, because that can create enormous frustration and anger. Children need us to look out for them far more carefully than that, in my opinion. I also find Gordon’s repeated comparison of his relationship with his wife to that of a parent and child way off-base and even a bit laughable. Children need different things from us than Gordon needs from his wife. They need leaders. Leadership doesn’t mean speaking to children in a disrespectful, robotic manner, as Gordon suggests.

But I don’t mean to knock something that is working for you, Jennifer.

Hi Jennifer,

I’ve had to ponder your question, “when does it change?” because I have not made any conscious changes in my approach…and my children are now 21, 16 and 12. Since they were babies, we had flexible issues we’d reevaluate…and non negotiables. But it’s tough to even remember the last time I’ve needed to consider these things with my children, because they are secure and confident and have only very rarely had the need to test our leadership. I think the last time looked like a daughter treating us somewhat rudely, which made sense, because she was gearing up to leave the nest for college. Our response was to understand and rise above this behavior, let it roll off our backs, let it go (but also not jump to her commands).

Our children have learned that we are hugely accepting and also adore them enough to say no to some things. They learned long ago that they have the loving leaders they need.

As you know, Jennifer, I work with parents and toddlers. I’ve observed parents and toddlers interacting for 19 years now and learned a great deal. Some parents have great difficulty seeing beyond their child’s resistance. But when we take behavior at face value we miss its true meaning… and when children aren’t getting the leadership they need, tests will continue to crop up well past the toddler years.

Jennifer, it sounds like you agree with “no hitting” as a rule. Do you not impose this rule? Are there any other rules that are non negotiable in your home?