Comments on: A Toddler’s Need To Cry (One Parent’s Lesson)

By: NT

NT — Wed, 13 Apr 2022 13:38:05 +0000

May I please add that it’s not only important for toddlers, but all children.
I have always permitted (and encouraged) my children to release their emotions and overwhelming feelings without much reassurance I was getting it right, and then I read this article tonight.
Allow me to explain with what I witnessed today.
Today at my 2 youngest children’s sports day (ages 10 and 9) both boys raced in the 100m sprint final in their respective age group, and didn’t achieve the results they were hoping for. Both were (to me) visibility disappointed, and in the comfort of my space, could express that and we processed it together. My younger one went on to race the 200m sprint final and finished the race last, and to my surprise he accepted this result better than the first race. We parted ways, he happily returned to his classmates and I went to check in with his brother. I spotted him (the 10 year old brother) sitting quietly by himself and as soon as I was in his presence he broke down emotionally but I had no idea why. It turns out he was watching his younger brother’s 200m race and saw that he came last. Having just experienced his own disappointing result he was overwhelmed by sadness for his brother coming last and when he saw me it all became to much for him. All I could do was embrace him while he was given acceptance to release that emotion. His sadness was complete empathy and I could not have been prouder for not only having the empathy in the first place but for also knowing it was completely ok to express that emotion.

By: Priti

Priti — Mon, 08 Mar 2021 12:42:22 +0000

Hi Janet,

I hope you would reply because I really do not know the possible solution to this and need your guidance badly. I have an almost 3 year boy who is very intense and aware. He is a very sensitive guy. The thing is that he never ever cries. Even though I totally agree with the RIE philosophy and i know how much crying would help him in releasing his stress. I have always encouraged him to be expressive and tell me his feelingss but he just doesn’t feel like to cry. He acts out a
Lot. I have to admit that when he was around 2, once he had a BIG meltdown and it lasted longer than I could tolerate. At that time I told him to stop. I showed him that I am not comfortable with his feelings. Since then he has not ever had a meltdown and I know that is not something I should be proud about. I have tried to a lot of repair work but it seems like he can’t trust me anymore. Please tell me what needs to be done because I really want him to feel safe with me, express all his feelings and get all the stress out of his body. I’d be forever grateful for any advice

By: Agnes

Agnes — Sat, 03 May 2014 20:34:35 +0000

Thanks so much for the comments about crying to manipulate vs to express emotions. Before our second child was born, we tried to support our 2 year old by allowing the crying whenever she wanted, along the lines suggested here. But with a baby sister around she seems to be using crying more to manipulate especially when it’s time to breastfeed baby. I spend time with big sis before and after feeding baby so I really don’t think it’s an issue of not enough attention (might it be too much?! As in giving too much attention to her crying at feeding times?) I really can’t let her cry when baby is feeding because it distracts baby and prevents her from nursing to sleep, I’d be most grateful to hear your advice/comments.

By: Loren

Loren — Wed, 06 Jul 2011 19:24:53 +0000

Thank you for this blog and everyone’s comments – it is such a support when really what we are doing is very different from many other parents and that our culture is all about distracting us from our feelings. It is more often than not hard to sit in my own discomfort when my 3 year old is protesting or grieving, but I’ll remember these stories and it helps.

By: Teresa

Teresa — Sat, 25 Jun 2011 00:45:45 +0000

I have this posted on my fridge now Janet. It will be a daily reminder to myself to remain calm.

“while you try to stay calm, accepting and unbothered even if she is right in your face and carry on with whatever you are doing. Because you are not reacting with displeasure or annoyance, the behavior will lose it’s power and become less intriguing for your daughter.”

Thank you!

By: MLR

MLR — Tue, 21 Jun 2011 17:37:00 +0000

Hmm, I like those suggestions and will try them – thank you!

Also, I just wanted to add my perspective with a couple of more days behind me: I am beginning to think that a lot of the whining/crying-for-the-sake-of-it is tied into the current potty-training regression that we’re dealing with… and with the general explosion of her awareness of me v. others, of real v. pretend, and of rule-making….

So I’m just going to try to take deep breaths & let her learn her own limits. Easier said than done. 😉

By: janet

janet — Mon, 20 Jun 2011 18:04:15 +0000

In reply to Holly. Interesting question and I like Holly's suggestions. Toddlers are so clever! I would definitely allow her to "hear herself cry" as much as she wants to, and I love the crying chair, but I don't think you need to be a part of that. Tell her that the crying chair is hers to use as much as she needs to (or she can cry anywhere else as much as she needs to), but that you won't always be joining her. And in those cases you'll be available for hugs or discussion when she's done crying. Then you can decide when you think she really needs to sort through something with you and when to just let her be dramatic, while you try to stay calm, accepting and unbothered even if she is right in your face and carry on with whatever you are doing. Because you are not reacting with displeasure or annoyance, the behavior will lose it's power and become less intriguing for your daughter.

By: Holly

Holly — Mon, 20 Jun 2011 01:46:06 +0000

In reply to MLR.

MLR, I’m new to RIE, so I don’t know how this fits, but I’ve found that just telling my kids that I don’t care for the noise that they are making, but then having a place where they can still ‘complain’ works for us. Another thing I’ve done to deal with whining was to tell them that it is hard for me to understand them when they talk to me that way (which it is, when they’re first learning to talk!), and then when they’re talking better, so I can understand them, I tell them that I don’t like the sound they are making, and if they want to tell me something, please talk normally.

I’m really interested in what Janet has to say about this issue too!

By: MLR

MLR — Sun, 19 Jun 2011 02:10:43 +0000

This is a great post – thank you as always, Janet. I have one question, though. I have tried to consistently practice this philosophy – sitting with my daughter when she is sad/frustrated/angry, articulating her feelings, allowing her a safe “out” (a “crying chair” where she can go, with me if she wants, if she feels too overwhelmed by her feelings).

Unluckily, as my daughter hits 2.5 yrs old, she is realizing that she can use crying/whining to manipulate as well as to express emotion. Where/how do you recommend drawing a line in the situations where it’s VERY clear that the kid is being overly dramatic (crying to get attention or just to hear themselves cry)?

By: janet

janet — Sat, 18 Jun 2011 04:51:54 +0000

In reply to Brooke march. Brooke, I'm floored by this story! Thank you for making my day! Hugs to you...