Comments on: The Happiest Kids Don’t Have To Smile

By: Kristen

Kristen — Mon, 30 Sep 2019 13:55:09 +0000

I was literally looking last week to see if you addressed this topic. I realized I wasn’t as comfortable as I thought with my 18month olds emotions as I too try to make him smile when he is crying. BUT this article did address (and I can’t find it anywhere) is what do I do. Please paint the picture for me. For Example say My son is upset that I won’t allow him to go outside. I say I see that your upset but we can’t go outside right. He continues to cry. What do I do? Do I go one about making dinner? That seems like it’s ignoring him and his feelings? Do I sit there next to him expressionless and maybe keep saying wow you are really upset? What if goes to another room to be alone? Do I follow him? Sometimes I get the feeling he wants me follow him. Usually this is when I start making silly faces or I will open my arms to see if he wants to come to me.

By: janet

janet — Sun, 17 Feb 2019 15:43:35 +0000

In reply to Kati. Yes, it's all about intention, Kati. I can see how a soft, welcoming smile could encourage you to share your feelings. Mostly people smile at small children to try to cheer them up, get them to stop feeling what they're feeling. Or because they think the child expressing emotions is funny or cute.

By: janet

janet — Sun, 17 Feb 2019 15:42:47 +0000

By: Kati

Kati — Sun, 17 Feb 2019 04:55:02 +0000

I understand and agree with the idea that we should not let our own discomfort with …discomfort… compel us to distract a child from expressing their feelings. However, one of my clearest memories of my father (who died 23 years ago) … when I was upset as a child and in my own way tried not to cry he would open his arms and smile at me in a way that invited/allowed me to let go and cry. I instinctually do the same with the kids I work with and it seems to convey acceptance and also a sense that I can hold the space for them. Maybe it is the intention behind the smile?

By: Alexandra

Alexandra — Wed, 28 Sep 2016 02:43:01 +0000

I appreciate this affirmation of what we hope to reinforce with our child. We have had people say of them: “oh they really don’t smile much with people hey?” or “they don’t laugh at things like so-and-so” and it sometimes makes me want to say: “Maybe you aren’t that funny?” Haha.

I try to remember that my child not smiling on cue hopefully means they are secure and don’t necessarily need that outside affirmation.

By: Danielle

Danielle — Wed, 28 Sep 2016 00:31:26 +0000

Wow I’m impressed with how engaged you are with this blog, Janet. Such a valued resource for me.
This post makes me wonder what level of authenticity I can really give my kids when I feel like crying for personal reasons, depression, hormones, whatever. I want to be a model of mature adulthood, but today I think I was kind of triggered by a social situation and felt like a child in my reaction. Dwelling on this situation, while alone with my kids on a small playground, with inner negative self-talk haunting me, I started to cry. I wasn’t exactly letting it all out and I wasn’t exactly hiding it. My four year old daughter kind of nuzzled me a little, but mostly kind of just gave me space. My almost two year old daughter was just busy playing, I think. I didn’t say anything about it, and I feel like I had to stuff those feelings because I had no one to share with, and I couldn’t cry like my children do, which is certainly what my body wanted to do, but I mean I don’t want to model stuffing sadness and keeping it secret… I don’t know. What do we do with depression, or grief and the like, authentically with young children?

By: Alex

Alex — Mon, 04 Apr 2016 21:41:27 +0000

In reply to Mary. Love your story, Mary. Thank you for sharing!

By: Corryn Barakat

Corryn Barakat — Mon, 28 Sep 2015 06:46:14 +0000

Love this post Janet. It is particularly annoying when friends or family try to jolly my sensitive little boy out of something or distract him from a problem he’s trying to work through. If only people could give kids space to work through their emotions until asked for help!
We’re all so rushed, it seems we don’t have time to indulge in anything that isn’t happy in our kids.

By: janet

janet — Mon, 28 Sep 2015 03:28:46 +0000

In reply to Petrika. Exactly!

By: Petrika

Petrika — Mon, 28 Sep 2015 01:45:15 +0000

The story you shared at the beginning breaks my heart. It sounds abusive. My son often adopts a “serious” and contemplative look and has since he was born. To me it looks like he is really just taking everything in and processing everything around him. I love his thoughtfulness. People are always commenting on it and saying that he is in a “bad mood” or saying he is so “serious.” It really grates on me. C’mon, people: my son is not here to entertain and make you happy, so back off.