Comments on: Should We Stop Babies From Taking Toys? (Another Respectful Debate)

By: Hoda

Hoda — Fri, 19 Jul 2019 06:44:24 +0000

Hey Janet
This post actually caused me to shake because I am always struggling with myself what to do when this situation comes up. I think completely the same as you but when I take my son to playground and he gets close to other toddlers or kids to play with their toys I think to myself maybe their parents don’t like sb get close to their child. You know! it’s a strange feeling. I just want to prevent that thing that they reject my son or ask their kids to leave that place because they don’t want my son to get close! I know! it’s stupid! So, I take him away from other kids because I don’t want my baby to get rejection! Now that I am writing I think it might be problem-related to MY self-esteem, not the others. Having fear of rejection is something in ME not in my son. I probably have to ask their parents if they are ok if our kids play together. I find myself thinking about the right thing I should do to avoid hurting my son. Another reason might be that I am worried their kids beat my son or make him scared.

By: Tanja

Tanja — Thu, 04 Jan 2018 13:29:31 +0000

Dear Jannet,
I love reading all your articles! Thank you so much for sharing them with us.
I would like to ask for your opinion – my daughter (now turning 2) does not mind letting other kids take the toy if she knows them well and she has learned that her toy will stay safe and she will get it back at some point. But if she meets someone on the playground whom she doesnt know, she doesnt want to give any toy so easily. It is as if she really has the feeling that the toy is her property, so the contact with the other child is less important to her than her toy. Which I kind of understand, because I also dont crave to play with every other person on this planet, unless I really like them. What is your opinion on this?
Do I missunderstand something from your teaching on this important topic?

By: Debbie

Debbie — Sun, 19 Nov 2017 07:32:58 +0000

This is a great topic and very relevant to me right now. I’m split between giving the words to children to help them negotiate and letting them figure it out. How do you go about this when multiple people who care for your child do it differently? For example, nannies, etc…

By: Catherine

Catherine — Wed, 12 Oct 2016 00:50:35 +0000

Thank you! This thread is so helpful! I am a Montessori guide for younger toddlers.

By: janet

janet — Wed, 10 Aug 2016 14:18:23 +0000

In reply to Stephanie.

Hi Stephanie! I’ve responded to your comment in this podcast: https://soundcloud.com/janet-lansbury/when-toddlers-take-toys. Hope it helps!

By: Stephanie

Stephanie — Mon, 08 Aug 2016 20:28:02 +0000

Hi Janet, Thank you for this fantastic article. I know it was written awhile back – but is very relevant to what we are going through right now, and hoping you can offer advice on how to handle. I don’t want to be the type of parent who is always intervening and I do believe in letting kids work things out and learn on their own. I am struggling because my 15 month old son is constantly taking toys from all the kids in the playground. He is very physical and stronger and taller than most of the other kids. When we play in the sandbox or on the splashpad in the playgrounds he takes the other kids buckets and shovels and other toys. He is fast and strong and either the kids are his age and aren’t strong enough to hold on, or are older and know how to say hey that’s mine but they don’t fight to get it back. I don’t want to constantly be intervening, but on the other hand he is taking all of their toys! And I feel like I have the mean kid on the playground and the parents are upset with me. So I try to stop him, and he throws a fit. Or I try to barter toys and give the kid his toy if he takes their toy. How would you suggest I handle this? He throws a tantrum when I tell him not to do that, or I take the toy and give it to other child (he is not yet talking and doesn’t have words yet). I don’t want to be scared to teach him boundaries even if it means many many tantrums in the playground – but I am hoping for advice on the best way to do that. He is our first child and we don’t have ways to practice in our house. The only place to practice is somewhere that is extremely public like the playground. My husband stays at home with him right now, and he is struggling with this as well. Any help or advice you have would be greatly appreciated! Also – are there books you would recommend reading on this subject of setting appropriate boundaries?

By: Nadia

Nadia — Wed, 16 Sep 2015 22:08:45 +0000

dr. gordon Neufeld explained bonding process of children. year 1 is bonding via body contact, the baby feels a part of mums body. year 2 bonds via ownership. leaving the unity of mums body means transcending to teddy objects and toys. in that moment they define their very being over an object or animal they re enact. so, I beg to differ kids not understanding ownership but being too dependent on it in that stage.

By: Lynda

Lynda — Sat, 03 Jan 2015 23:38:53 +0000

I’m finding the idea of not intervening when children grab toys off each other very interesting. In my circle of friends, most parents will intervene if their child grabs, and model sharing by saying your friend wasn’t finished with that, give it back or it’s not nice to grab toys off other babies. In fact, the rare parents who don’t intervene (and generally they have the kids who constantly grab off other children) are often avoided, or receive less invites to play dates! In the videos, the girl who has the toy taken is not upset – what do you do if the child who’s having toys taken does get upset? My little girl never grabs off other kids – she will approach them and give toys, but very often, other kids take toys off her and she gets very upset. What should I do?!

By: katie

katie — Sun, 02 Nov 2014 02:52:32 +0000

I am very curious to know how this works with my 23 month old and kids of various ages. We work in a gym child care center and kids of all ages come in. He will want toys in the hands of kids of all ages. Should I handle it differently with another 2 year old vs a 6 year old etc. I am really struggling with this as he seems to want to take toys semi often and I am finding the other kids to not be used to an adult allowing the struggles or taking. They often get upset. I really could use advice.

I also do not know when too much is too much. Example being when another 2 year old came and wanted to join in playing with the cars he had in a line. He kept telling the child no and picking each one up he tried to take. How do you recommend handling that in detail please? Should that be stopped? It is overwhelming!

Also, he has a few toys of preference and he will be in the middle of playing with, say his cars, then he hears the blender or worm going off and he screams no and rushes off to grab the toy from the child’s hands. With the worm last time I had told him it looks like x is using the worm right now. I know you really love that toy and seem to be upset she is playing with it. Would you like a turn after she is done? Nods yes. Ok, I know it can be hard to wait, would you like me to help you find a toy to play with while you do? Nods yes. Do you want to play with the cars (which he was already playing with). Nods yes. He forgot and when done the 5 year old brought it to him saying she was done. He did not even want to play with it. But then got upset when another girl began playing with it. I said she was giving you your turn but you did not want it. I know it is hard but you will have to wait again. Is this too much intervention? I am all new to this and I also have been dealing with hitting (getting away from throwing which used to be common) in this situations so I am just scared to let natural sharing play out in fear of what other parents will think about him trying to hit because there is a lot of judgment from others… I am overwhelmed and need clarification on how I should be handling the sharing of different ages, what is too much, the hitting and just overall wording… anxious to hear back!

Thanks in advance.

By: Steph

Steph — Sun, 28 Sep 2014 01:35:20 +0000

It wasn’t until I took developmental psych that I learned the concept of sharing is not possible to them. But whenever a group of parents and their kids are playing together everyone hovers over their kid ready to say “share” or “take turns” because god forbid are kids are seen like little savages and thus making us look bad a parents. But what I struggle with is that my 3 year old will let anyone take a toy from him and often looks afraid to interact with other children. In the eyes of society my son is seen as weak or a pushover. Sometimes if he encounters another child an he feels “trapped” (like going up the ladder to the slide and another child start to go up behind him) he freaks out. My parents insist I need to teach him to be more assertive or that needs more social interaction. What can I do to help him?