I also don’t know how long ago this comment was made, or if you’ll ever read this, but I feel compelled to respond.

I appreciate your honesty, I think it was brave to say that you have spanked/do spank especially here where everyone is strongly expressing how abhorrent it is and patting themselves on the back for never doing it. I don’t agree with spanking but what I understand from your comment is that you are not happy with how it feels to discipline your child, the emotions it stirs up in you, and the way you end up resorting to spanking. I think the fact you made your comment here shows that you really don’t want to feel out of control and don’t want to use a method you don’t agree with in your core. I think many parents could relate to that.

What’s important is that you want to change your ways and learn how to be more in control of your self. Spanking is an obvious form of abuse but many parents (even the proud non-spankers) engage in other forms of abuse/control through emotions, behaviours and verbal forms of responding that are violent just the same, and arguably could be more damaging. I think it starts in your mind. I subscribe to non-violent communication and most problems are resolved quickly and peaceably when each persons needs is recognized and lots of empathy is offered when certain needs cannot be met in that instant. Best of luck and thank you for your vulnerability.

I have to agree with Donna Oh, when a child is upset, I firmly believe that’s when they needs us to be present the most. As Shel said, if they need to “vent,” then they *need* to. Sitting with them and supporting them through that give them a physically and emotionally safe space to allow the spectrum of emotion to play out. Turning around and not acting sympathetic or empathetic it going to spur a larger need to bid for attention. You may not like the way they are asking for attention, but they are communicating they have a need that’s not being met and it’s our job as adults to help them figure out those needs, not punish them because they have those needs. If you feel out of control, of course it’s ok to disengage. But doing so is punitive when a child is feeling overwhelmed. It’s not “bad” behavior, it’s a cry for help. You don’t want them to cry out that way? Teach and model ways for them to identify their needs and alternatives for communicating.

I have no idea how old this comment is but I will reply anyways. You say you were spanked as a child and teen and that you turned out fine. You then say you have recovered from self-harm and an eating disorder. I would venture a gentle suggestion that you didn’t turn out “fine”. Perhaps how you were treated as a child has contributed to the two problems you’ve had to overcome as an adult. Also, when teens are spanked, I would actually call that abuse. I was hit as a teen and I don’t consider that to have been normal discipline. I would encourage you to follow the advice on this website (it works!) and break the cycle of spanking that you and your husband have endured.

I have actually met and been trained by Ed Tronick, the man in the video. His experiment is the still face paradigm, and he has spent probably thousands of hours studying parent/baby interactions. We use the videos when training in “Touchpoints.” It is hard to watch, I agree. The point of the video, is that it shows the “disconnect” that happens for many people hundreds of times in “normal” interactions with their children. For most parents, as in tune as they try to be, life happens. People must grocery shop, talk on the phone, work, etc and children do the same things to try to entice caregivers back to them. For every child, if the parent does not reconnect, the child falls apart, which is heartbreaking to see. When the parent does reconnect, you can see the reaction of the child. Securely attached children take a moment and then recover. His research shows that growth can occur in the reconnecting, and the relationship can be strengthened. He generalizes this to all human interactions, that in the disconnect, the opportunity to reconnect is amazing. I have also seen a “still face” video of an interaction of a severely depressed mother and her infant. The infant never changes, whether mom is interacting with her or not. His research shows that children of depressed caregivers see a “still face” no matter what. How sad, and yet how important to identify mothers who may need help! I enjoyed this thread, and wanted to elaborate on the video link. Sorry for writing so much! Here is another link for Dr. Tronick’s research.

http://mindinthemaking.org/article/trusting_relationships_are_central_to_childrens_learninglessons_from_e/

My DD has been getting more ‘out-of-control’ (as I was brought up saying) having tantrums whenever we have to leave somewhere, or she trips, and so on. Now she has started biting herself which freaks me out as I am recovered from an eating disorder and self harm. My mother was abused and I know she tried her best to break the cycle with her own kids but she suffered from depression, OCD, anxiety, control issues and I’m sure some of that must have rubbed off on me.

We have been spanking our daughter b/c I just don’t know what else to do, timeouts have no effect. My husband says if we don’t spank our kids they will turn out to be spoiled brats like most kids we know. (he was spanked and treated somewhat harshly, comes from a messed up blended family)

But my main concern is that I find it really hard (impossible) to maintain control when my DD is having these fits, or just any crying in general. I feel so horrible, I always lose it on her and end up yelling or insulting her or even spanking or pinching her. It’s like something takes over me and I can’t control myself, I don’t know why. I feel so horrible and have been crying about this all afternoon, I love her so much and I don’t know what to do. I probably should have never had children- I’ve always wanted a big family and to be a great mom but I am such a failure. I have no support, all of our family is far away and have their own issues and no interest in helping us. My DH works long hours at the moment so it is just me and the little ones home all day and evening.

Sorry I didn’t mean to write so much, if you have any suggestions I would appreciate your time. Thanks.

Thanks, Donna! Ooops, I just realized that you were replying to Shel earlier.

Hi Janet,

my comment was more in dialogue with shel’s “keep your facial expression neutral” – though I was not meaning to say neutral is the same as blank, it just brought this video and those thoughts to mind 🙂

And I agree, it is most definitely a very uncomfortable video to watch in terms of what the little girl had to experience.

Donna, I agree with you about affecting a “blank” expression (or faking any expression). The mother in the video was looking at her baby blankly and being deliberately unresponsive to the baby’s cues. No, I definitely don’t recommend doing that! (I even worry that those few minutes of experimenting might have affected that baby.) My advice is not to get emotionally involved, as in angry or upset, but be available, which means being completely “there” and responsive. Thanks for giving me the opportunity to clarify!

Personally I am not a big fan of ‘neutral’ facial expressions if it is in the sense of a blank expression – perhaps as I never enjoy someone treating me that way when I’m in a rotten mood or ‘acting badly’. I prefer to stay loving (of course that precludes I’m able to not get emotionally involved – as in angry – in the situation).

A while back I came across a video that exemplified the impact a blank expression can have on infants, and as an adult even I can totally relate to that terrible feeling of disconnectedness etc: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TMPUxi7eCTg

Hi Mitchell! My response to you got a bit long, so I made it into a new post: https://www.janetlansbury.com/2011/11/an-expectant-dad-ponders-discipline/

I hope you don’t mind! Please feel free to respond back, and either way, please keep in touch.