I always telly.kids that there are no wrong feelings, but there are *actions* that are not ok and kicking the wall would certainly qualify. “I understand that you’re angry/upset/frustrated etc but we don’t kick the wall” isn’t that hard to say. If your young child is frequently acting out aggressively I recommend the books “Hands are not for hitting” and “Feet are not for kicking”.

First, thank you for your comment and sharing your insight into yourself. I am not disagreeing or challenging your comment at all however I want to add something for the breastfeeding part. More just to validate mums who offer boob when their babies cry who might read this thread.
Breastfeeding is such an important way for babies to comfort themselves and isn’t just hunger. My 14 month old knows when she needs it and comes to seek that connection with me when she hurts herself etc… what a skill that is… knowing what she needs and asking for it by crying or a million other signs she gives me. Her brain isn’t developed enough to understand all her emotions and has no logic. I don’t boob her to “stop the crying” I boob her because that is her language to ask me to help her comfort herself. Her brain is still developing and using me for comfort is actually building her independence and skill. Also for me breastfeeding is a 2 person thing… you need participation from both people. I can offer boob but my baby/child decides whether they want it. Teaching her that, connection is one way to calm and heal. Just like hugging a child when they are upset isn’t bad, neither is breastfeeding. It’s a way of providing a child with connection, love and support.

We have a young babysitter now who is open to RIE. She even read your book as per our request, Janet. That is great but she may not be available when I go to work.

Just looking for reassurance and also – this topic stressed me out so much. I’ve had some bad experiences with my parents and did a poor job removing my son from their tactics of distraction – I was triggered and frozen! My son is only 20 months so we haven’t had too many situations yet where we have to stand up for him, but I know it will happen the most with family. A lot of times I can’t stop them (for example stealing kisses from him without asking)m first).

They will be supremely offended if I ask them to change things…working on getting there…weighing pros and cons and coming up with alternative ways to protect my son (remove him from the room regardless of how big the meltdown is).

I have the same challenge, a very very small home, a new 7 month old, who is very ready to crawl, and a toddler who is so joyfully strong. He has taken to screaming when he is tired, hungry, or does not want to do something. It is great when baby is with Papa on a walk, I can be present with our son, he always calms and then hugs me or asks for a snuggle and then we go about our days. However, when I am home alone with the two little ones, it is so very very hard. He creates such loud, ear piercing sounds that I genuinely believe it hurts our daughters ears. It brings me to tears knowing that I can’t help support both of them all the time.

I know that she is merely reproducing how she raised us but having always been the “sensitive one”, I grew up getting told to stop over-reacting etc. which I don’t want her to do to my son. She doesn’t live close by but has a lot of holidays as a teacher so we see each other often.
Thanks a lot for your kind advice.
Camille

Terrific, thank you for sharing this!

I am too. I am having a very hard time about this. MIL esp. jumping in and saying “no crying”. Thanks Janet for reminding me about empathising with adults whilst also with children. Additionally, high five – “mostly it will affect the child’s feeling about *them*! That bit – I am going to memorise and recite when something inside me gets triggered.

i have noticed that as i have using janets suggestions and parenting more respectfully the tantrums have almost disapeared. and my son was 7 and quite aggressive still with his tantrums. her approach works! i don’t ever think of my child trying to manipulate me anymore. i always see negative behaviour as him trying to tell me he is upset and doesn’t know how to tell me. if i take the time to listen we solve it and then he goes on to do what was expected of him. but since i am more respectful he feels calmer and safer with me and can be a happier kid