That’s not focus. The games are doing the focus-grabbing, not our child.

Hi Sophia,

I love the way you articulate the RIE approach. You understand it so deeply! Everything will be all right with your son… He is in such good hands with you! But here is something I just posted on my blog that includes Nadine’s long response to your questions… I couldn’t agree more with her suggestions. I will email this to you as well. https://www.janetlansbury.com/2012/05/infant-surgery-giving-babies-respect-when-they-need-it-most-guest-post-by-nadine-hilmar/

Take good care, and please let me know how this goes! I’ll be thinking of you and your boy on Thursday.

With warmest regards,
Janet

I wrote out some statements to practice saying and put them in the bathroom so I could practice saying them, so I do not dissolve into a blubbering mess. I am trying to keep the statements short and simple.

For example:

“We are holding your arms down to give you a medication. I see you are upset. We are keeping you safe.”

“I see you are confused. You are in a hospital and had an operation on your eyes. You feel different. The feelings will pass soon. I am right here and I am not leaving.”

“I can’t let you touch your eyes. They are sore.”

“The nurse is taking you to the operating room now. It is hard to say goodbye. I am with you even when you can’t see me. I will be here when you come back.”

I hope they sedate him before they take him from me, because he will not let go of me to go with strangers without being pried out of my arms. This is just the worst case scenario to me. (Him being pried out of my arms). I tried to call the hospital and ask for more information but they just told me policy is based on what is happening that day and to talk to the nurses. Ideally, I would like him sedated before we say goodbye. If he is awake, I am not sure how to frame that goodbye.

I am trying to think of ways to frame the experience so that I am narrating it as neutrally as possible and validating his feelings. I do not believe that “he won’t remember a thing” as many people think of babies and toddlers. I began to remember things very early and his receptive language skills are advanced for his age. Even if he forms no conscious memory, he will have an emotional memory and it feels like an enormous responsibility to figure out how to narrate it honestly, and neutrally. I am trying to avoid statements like, “Be a big boy now.” “It only hurts a little.” “Oh, it’s not so bad…” And other garbage like that. I want to be very clear that his feelings are okay, whatever they are, and not make promises I can’t keep.

I KNOW he is going to fight the nurses. He fights our own family physician tooth and nail when the poor guy puts a stethoscope on him… and he’s known him since birth (was birthed by him, indeed!), and sees him regularly. Since we do not use distraction with him– ever– he does not respond when well-meaning people try to distract him. Instead, distractions seem to amplify his distress because I imagine he cannot understand why we are not just listening to him as we normally do. When we set a limit or do something to him he dislikes, we do it as kindly, and neutrally as possible, but we don’t bribe or distract. And so he does not accept bribes or distraction. Apparently, from what I know of myself as a child, I was the same. And my father used to hold his breath until he fainted. My son bangs his head on the floor when he is upset. We are not a family of small feelings. Temperamentally, he is like me.

He is an easy child in so many ways, particularly because he is receptive, and curious, so as long as I am very consistent and fair in limits, he usually can spend nearly a whole day without correction, and the only time we really have issues are with diaper changes. I have used your strategy to involve him in the diaper changes by letting him hold the various items we need, passing me wipes, and standing at times, and that has helped make them much more positive. I acknowledge his feelings when he is frustrated/upset and I also calmly deflect his blows when he hits or kicks me with a simple, “I can’t let you do that.” (BEST LINE EVER!) But, other than that, his autonomy is rarely challenged. Our whole house is a YES space and he knows where the NO spaces are, and they never change, and once he has been corrected firmly a number of times about an item or an activity, I find he lets it go.

I am also afraid I am going to break down and start crying. My husband is phobic of needles, so we decided he would go and have a coffee pre-op, because only one of us can accompany the baby anyway, and I have had a lot of medical procedures, so needles and so on do not upset me.

What upsets me the most is that, judging by other parent’s reports, this hospital will probably not allow me in recovery and they will only allow me to stay until it is time for him to be brought down to the OR. It is not very baby friendly, but it is all we have. I have little control over the time we spend separated or how he is treated or spoken to.

When I first wrote out the list of statements to practice saying (I should call myself “The Intentional Parent” because I am methodical like that), I broke down sobbing reading them aloud to my husband.

I read your most recent post with interest, because I am afraid that I will break down and cry, and so I am wondering if I need to come up with something for that? I hope I do not.

The surgery is on Thursday morning and we must travel hours away for it, so are leaving Wednesday. If there is anything your friend can add, that would be great.

I am really excited that he will be able to see, if the surgery goes well. I imagine his gross motor skills are going to explode, as is a common consequence. This is exciting.

I will keep in mind to use the tools about having him do what he can do to help. That is a good idea for in the hospital. When we were at the doctor last, he held one of the peices of equipment. He likes to feel included.

I wish everyone practiced RIE. When people, in public, ask me about my son (especially now that we go to the parks), and why he is the way he is, I try to explain it, but the only people who have ever heard about Gerber are the people from the Child Development Center. Most people live in a world of pop-parenting, and everyone is busy distracting toddlers from their feelings with bribery and media and punishment. My parenting style is so different, and he is quite different too, so I assume the hospital staff will not understand him.

I can’t wait until this is over!

Thank you so much for your response. I thought maybe you had missed my question because I do tend to go on! (Post here as evidence!) But I really do appreciate your support and again, I am so glad I found your blog, and so is my husband and my close friend. It’s a bit of oasis of common sense, really.

With warm feelings,
Sophia

Hi Sophia! And thank you for this wonderful and inspiring report! I may want to share your play experience for a future post… Would that be all right?

I know what you mean by feeling “like shouting”. That is the benevolent “can of worms” that is opened up when you gain this new perspective. As one parent described it, “You can never go back.”

Your son sounds amazing! I’ve actually contacted a RIE mom I know whose son had an operation as a baby and I’m hoping she’ll be in touch with me soon to share her experience with you. In the meantime, I would recommend giving your son as much autonomy as possible by preparing him and inviting him to do anything and everything that he might do for himself. Just be honest. You may be surprised that your son takes this better than you have imagined he will, because he is used to doing things with you, rather than having things done to him. Do all you can to allow him to actively participate.

Please keep me posted, Sophia! I will be thinking of you and your boy.

Hugs,
Janet

His attention span is absolutely amazing now. He is 14 MOs old now and I am so happy with his progress.

Another thing we are getting a lot of recently is commentary on “how much he understands”, how independent he is, and how well he and his little playmate play together.

My best friend has become a convert to RIE now, and I would love for you to see our same-aged boys playing together after a year of RIE playdates. They pass each other toys and babble and create little projects together. They play tag with each other. They have a lovely time together with minimal conflict. I am so very pleased watching them play. And people comment, “I’ve never that before.” So much for babies only being capable of parallel play. 😉

I feel like shouting, sometimes, when I see others intruding on a child’s autonomy that there is a better way (of course I don’t– and it’s not in judgment but just because I feel so passionately about the positive benefits of undistrupted play) I want to show… step back and let that baby be! I love to see the back end of my toddler as he’s crawling confidentally away from me, through the playground (despite being almost blind– surgery is soon– next week!) because he trusts his body and he trusts himself and myself, as well. I do not worry about him falling or hurting himself because he is absolutely assured in his physical body, despite his limitations. Despite the fact he has no depth perception at all! Amazing!

Thank you for giving us all this wonderful resource! I know I am a better parent and my child a more rounded child because of what I have learned here.

I have one question I have been meaning to ask: Do you have any tips on how to talk a child through surgery? I am nervous. I bought a picture book (Curious George Goes to the Hospital) and I tell a story about using the pictures, but altered for his age and condition. We talk about how his eyes are and how they will feel better after his surgery and that he will be able to see much, much better. But I don’t know what else to do. I know that they will have to do things to him and he will fight them tooth and nail because, of course, he is so used to his bodily autonomy being respected and he is so fiercely autonomous. I do not want the surgery and recovery to traumatize him. Can you help me, especially with the language I can use in the hospital, when they have to do necessarily difficult things to him? Thanks if you have any tips for me!

-Sophia

Laura, I LOVE your attitude — the way you are enjoying what your granddaughter does rather than wishing for more. She’s a lucky girl to have you!

Sami, you are so welcome. It’s a pleasure to pass this information along…
This approach resonates deeply with me, too, and has been responsible for many, many magical moments, minutes, hours and days for me and my family. And there’s more good news… Inner-directed play provides the most wonderful foundation for life long learning. Enjoy!

Jessica, I’m strongly in favor of limiting screens as you are doing and I think they should be avoided all together for the first few years. (I know this isn’t a popular view.) I feel certain that the screen-free, inner-directed play my children enjoyed is the reason all 3 are very focused learners, whether they are learning academics, practicing sports or creative pursuits.