Oh my gosh, Kate, yes — sorry too that you won’t be there. I fly away tomorrow evening! Hopefully our paths will cross at some point… Thanks for your thoughts, and for the work you do. So important.

Wonderful Work – and sorry to miss you at the conference in the UK next weekend Marcy I had hoped to be there.

thanks again
Kathy White – http://www.joyfulparents.co.uk

Yes, there is research about the number of words used in a day in the home of a child correlating with speech development, and delays in such… but I have to believe (and let me disclaim that I am NOT expert in this particular area) that it is similar to reading and so many other developmental milestones and processes: the early and the late bloomers all tend to even out in the end (if that makes sense in the not-very-elegant way I wrote that!).

But what I see as one risk factor for the late bloomers is them picking up on and internalizing the parents’ worries that there is something wrong… with them. Principle #6 of the 7 principles upon which “Parenting for Peace” is based is TRUST — in a child’s own time table, in the wisdom of a child’s unfolding intelligence(s), in so many of the things going on that are outside our perception and control!

Now, I should at this point clarify my opening statement about talking less. I was referring to the young child (who’s already verbal). In fact it’s sort of been my rule of thumb to talk all you want until they can “understand” you, and then dial it way back. (Don’t know if this makes ANY sense…?) Yes, it’s good for baby’s to hear language, for sure (that’s one of the myriad reasons babies of depressed mothers show various delays–depressed mothers say fewer words, and the words they do say are often drained of affect)… but I SO agree with you, Penny, about the sports announcer thing! I think we want to avoid ESPN Parenting, eh?! (And re: your mention of it seeming “insecure”–be sure to read my long comment after Pt. II about that.)

I think the magic word here (together with authenticity) is BALANCE. Ultimately it has to feel right to you; and sure, sometimes we have to stretch ourselves so it might not feel right right away. Just like some of the “RIE-speak” didn’t necessarily feel natural at first, simply because it was so at odd with our cultural programming, i.e., actually addressing a baby as if he or she was present and aware…??!! Heavens!!

Penny & Rebecca, Einstein was a “late speaker” and evidently didn’t really speak fluently until age nine! So… trust.

And yes, Jolanda, Jean and I became phone friends near the end of her life, when I contacted her for permission to use an excerpt from one of her articles in my book. In fact, we had planned for me to drop by her houseboat for lunch early March of last year. I wasn’t ultimately able to make it, and just days later she passed. I’m glad we had had our lively chats on the phone at least.

Thanks, all, for chiming in!

Our circumstances are also a little different, in that we’re raising her biligually. My husband speaks German with her, I speak as much German with her as I can, but really I mix and go back and forth between Enlish (my first language) and German. So hearing her speak less than her peers (which is perfectly normal) makes me feel nervous because I know that I’m not talking with her all day long at home. After reading this I feel a sense of calm knowing that communication is more than just talking and I can tell she is mirroring me as she plays.

Yes, I see that so often. And of course experienced it myself. Not only are we apt to re-experience the *feelings* we had with whatever less-than-nurturing situations we were in… but we also get the double-whammy of now being parents and not being able to IMAGINE doing that (or *not* doing that, as the case may be) to our own child at the age we experienced that. (Did that make sense…??) Exactly as you put it: “How could that when I was that age??”

I had a profound experience with “the baby *we* once were being there” years ago when I was working with a mom (who also happened to be a psychotherapist). When her daughter was 7 months old, the mom began feeling exceedingly anxious and depressed. She shared with me that when she was 7 months old, her parents had left her for 6 weeks while they traveled abroad. She relived this trauma through her baby, finding her parents’ actions incomprehensible… “How could they leave me for so long when I was this small?”

I believe a huge one is that when we have our baby in our arms, the baby *we* once were is right there, too, with whatever unhealed stuff… unmet needs… griefs, rages, etc. were true for us then. It can really be blindsiding! This is a huge issue for fathers as well, a topic that Jack Travis has been writing about for years, under the umbrella title of “Why Men Leave.” Tough stuff, but healing always there for the finding!