I really enjoyed this read !♥️

I am an ardent fan of your work. I really admire and try to follow. But I just don’t know if i am on the right track. My son, who is 3, is testing testing, testing like crazy, right from the moment he wakes up. We wake up together almost and after giving him his time in the morning, I go to the kitchen to prepare breakfast and he starts testing. He will throw things, come into the kitchen and drop things. He mainly tests by throwing things, he has broken phones, he throws so hard. I try to be preventative by keeping things that he can throw in the kitchen only. But there are times when I forget or miss it. When he throws something I try to stay calm and acknowledge later that I know u r uncomfortable. I have to admit that I struggle with emotional regulation myself and have yelled in the past when he tested. Every time I shouted I used to regret and apologise and say that I will not shout again. But I shouted again until recently, when I have realised how much fear I have created in him. I have now totally stopped yelling but haven’t been able to be totally unruffled. I still struggle with that. His constant testing makes me feel that mayb he is not trusting me fully that he is safe with me. He wants more and mor reassurance which is making him test. But at some time I get ruffled, i don’t yell, but it is visible in my face. I want him to feel safe and I do not know how to go about it, with his constant testing. My husband says we have to explain him why his behaviour is not right. But I feel that would just give him the message that we want him to get his act together because we can’t handle him.

Any advice would be so appreciated
Thank you.

Simplify your response to simply, putting the thing away if he throws it. If it’s an object that he isn’t sure if he’s supposed to throw, then perhaps tell him one time- “Oops, I don’t think that’s a good thing to throw. I’ll have to put it away if you throw that one.” And then do it very calmly and pleasantly, and acknowledge any feelings he has around it.
Definitely don’t give him three times, or hold his hands. If you see it starting to happen, block it and just let him know that throwing it will mean it’s put away.

Offer physical help- hold a hand or pick up your child if necessary.

A baby lock is the way to go. Check out what Janet has to say about the “yes space” concept. Or, put the DVD case in another room.

I am so sorry for the confusing ad ice you have received. Undoubtedly it is your job to decide for your daughter what is appropriate clothing. Explain calmly the types of clothes YOU feel comfortable with her wearing and stick to your boundaries. I wouldn’t allow my child to cut up their clothes or to wear clothes that exposed her body in any way that I was not comfortable with. As a young teenager I was allowed to wear clothes that I now feel embarrassed about- shirts that showed my belly, very short shorts, etc. I wish my parents had put a boundary around this for me.

Is there a reason behind the mattress on the floor?? Would love to hear!!

I was just listening to your podcast . (Im currently binge listening to every episode as well as your two books and Magdas books on Audible in preperation for the new baby) And I heard the part of this article about clothing and had to research to find your position on it. As soon as you finished the sentence in the podcast I thought Aha! I may finally have an answer.

My (just turned) 8 year old has recently started cutting her shirts into crop tops. When she’s outside playing or lifting her arms she exposes her entire chest.

The first time she did this I was uncomfortable but didn’t know how to address it. So that night i threw the shirt away. Then i posted about it in a few RIE and VC groups and got very mixed opinions.

The most popular opinion was that I needed to change my perspective. I needed to stop sexualizing her. And i needed to let her dress and express herself the way that she wants.

So my daughter started cutting up even more clothes. Shirts into crop tops, pants into shorts that expose her panties etc.

The major issues I have with this are 1. Shes ruining clothes. Her play clothes aren’t a big deal but her nicer clothes and school clothes don’t seem okay to me. I was told by others that school is out and they’re her clothes to do with as she pleases. That she could grow up to be a fashion designer and not to hamper that.

2. She’s exposing herself in ways that seem very inappropriate. This seems to be a hot topic. I don’t mean to “sexualize” her, but allowing this is exposing her to very harsh judgement unfortunately from other adults. She came in crying hysterically a few weeks ago because a lady in the courtyard outside had told her to go inside and put on some clothes. And that she couldn’t come back out until she had clothes on.

I feel like allowing her to be in situations where comments like this will be made, isn’t respectful.

I mentioned to the group members that maybe at home it would be fine, but what about the grocery store? Or other public places? Then how do I explain that she can’t wear it? The response was essentially “Why CANT she wear it in public? ” and again to change my perspective.

I’m doing my best to respect her choices, ive allowed things i never thought i would like makeup and other controversial things, but this just seems overboard to me.

I know you’re extremely busy, but your input on this would be greatly appreciated.