Comments on: When Respect Becomes Indulgence

By: Elva

Elva — Mon, 18 Jul 2022 06:26:43 +0000

This is such an important perspective, thank you! I struggle deeply with this and would so appreciate your insight on my situation: my only child, 5, is autistic with ADHD, and he has many rigid needs and behaviors that are absolutely characteristic of the autistic neurotype. There are harmless things that he genuinely needs in order to feel regulated and not have a full-on neurological meltdown that can last for hours, but which I find exhausting and annoying. A few exmples (of many) include being the first to go up a flight of stairs in essentially all situations (even if I’m carrying heavy things and he’s dawdling), communicating in scripted language that requires me to playact and repeat the same script for hours, and stopping to examine items related to his special interest, whether we have time to or not. Denying him these things to prevent my own boredom and resentment ends up taking me MUCH longer and MUCH more pain than just accommodating him, because they trigger meltdowns (not tantrums, an essential distinction). My life feels horrible and bleak so much of the time, but I don’t see a way out, other than when he inevitably grows into a new stage with his stims, communication, and special interests. He has high-quality occupational and speech therapy, which has helped shift some of these issues at school, but the really rigid ones just end up requiring accomodations there, too. I am able to give him boundaries just fine with many other behaviors, so it isn’t a matter of me not setting boundaries or him being spoiled. He just has genuine needs that are wearing me down to nothing.

By: janet

janet — Sun, 17 Jul 2022 23:10:23 +0000

In reply to Kimberley. Hi Kimberley! I am thrilled to hear this! Thanks so much for sharing your encouraging words with me.

By: Kimberley

Kimberley — Sun, 17 Jul 2022 22:04:42 +0000

Thanks Janet for your revelationary words in this post!!
This is a timely reminder and almost permission for me! I have 4 children ranging in age between aged 11 – 2yo. I feel really stretched at times with meeting each of their different needs (let alone my own!) and find myself in the habit of letting my boundaries creep to the point where I am feeling that annoyed feeling you describe here. Your article here really gives me the lense I needed right now to reframe this phase for me and take care of me so I can be the kind calm parent I’m striving to be.
Thank you!

By: Anne

Anne — Sat, 16 Jul 2022 19:05:46 +0000

In reply to Michelle. I just LOVE this post and your questions! What should we expect from our children at different ages? Ive been wondering about this too and Ive read that its very usuall that adults expect too much from young children. Then again, they can also be more capable than we think. Its hard to know. I guess we just have to follow our gutfeeling and according to Danish child psycologist Jesper Juul a child always wants to cooperate, as long as their able to. I bring with me that perspective. Thank you for asking.

By: janet

janet — Sat, 29 Jan 2022 03:09:40 +0000

In reply to Kim.

Thanks for your kind words. Your instincts are spot on. It’s not a parent’s role to engage in children’s pretend play and you should absolutely say “no thanks” to that if you don’t enjoy it. If you want to participate, I would do so as an audience member. “You want me to be a dinosaur, but I’m going to be right here watching instead. Hold your ground. It’s not healthy for us or our children to submit to things we don’t really want to do.

By: Kim

Kim — Sat, 29 Jan 2022 01:37:02 +0000

This was so helpful and insightful. I’m wondering about what you are mentioning about irritation and how it’s not good for the relationship for our kids to see that we are irritated. I confess that my biggest struggle right now as a parent is a deep dislike for pretend play. My kids are 4 and 6 and want me to play with them constantly. I adore them but I fear they can sense my irritation in playing dinosaurs eve when I try hard to hide it. I have always felt like it’s an important sacrifice I need to make but now am questioning. How do I know how much pretend play with them is enough? I love baking with them, being outside, crafts, board games but both of them would choose me playing dinosaurs or pretend games above all else. Any guidance would be so appreciated!

By: Anita

Anita — Fri, 17 Jul 2020 07:59:36 +0000

In reply to Anita. (Above is in response to Johanna) I really appreciate this community of compassion and love for our children and us as their parents, guardians and teachers.

By: Anita

Anita — Fri, 17 Jul 2020 07:48:10 +0000

Thank you for this. “I don’t like how this makes me feel”. This is the language I never had access to. Just even reading this post, (and I’ve been a reader for 15 years!) helped me to understand that my own feelings weren’t allowed or welcomed growing up. This phrase has illuminated a few corners for me. Thank you

By: Anita

Anita — Thu, 16 Jul 2020 19:40:18 +0000

In reply to Johanna. Thank you for this. "I don't like how this makes me feel". This is the language I never had access to. Just even reading this post, (and I've been a reader for 15 years!) helped me to understand that my own feelings weren't allowed or welcomed growing up. This phrase has illuminated a few corners for me. Thank you

By: MommaD

MommaD — Fri, 10 Jan 2020 09:06:44 +0000

I wanted to add this behavior has persisted over 6 months (on and off but more on than off).