Comments on: Parenting Against The Grain – One Family’s Personal Struggle and Triumph

By: Karen

Karen — Sun, 30 Aug 2020 22:38:51 +0000

In reply to Jennifer Gaffney. It's so hard to navigate family and friends, especially when they also have kids. Everyone takes it personally but has no trouble commenting on your "bad" method! First few months I felt judged everywhere. It's easier now, they all marvel at my son's autonomy so I don't get much criticism. But all the comments and scoffing have made me more confident and less inclined to seek approval.

By: Karen

Karen — Sun, 30 Aug 2020 22:13:08 +0000

In reply to Meagan. Same here, 20 months old. I usually suggest how to move to get out of whatever it is he got himself into and then ask if he needs my help. I only assist if he says yes or I feel it's a dangerous situation, which I try to announce before/during catching him.

By: Lianna Nall

Lianna Nall — Thu, 27 Aug 2020 23:27:18 +0000

What a beautiful story! We are “mostly” RIE parents except for *this* piece of the puzzle. When our little one was just starting to move, he had a pretty hard fall required ER visit. Ever since then, I am soooo scared to let him venture out on his own. I want to be more trusting and open minded but am struggling

By: Marie

Marie — Wed, 28 Aug 2019 07:26:18 +0000

I have been a silent reader of your wonderful blog up until now, but the line ‘it’s lonely mothering without your own mother’s approval’ struck a cord so well it made me cry. Thank you so much for this article.
I struggle so much with loneliness, coping with the disapproval of my own parents in all my parenting decisions. They make me waver, question myself. Each time I visit with my children, I come home completely disoriented and discouraged. And my indecisive parenting, oscillating back and forth between RIE and a traditional approach with scolding and shaming, makes everything so much harder. I am destroying my own efforts. In contrast to the author, I cannot show off my skills or the results in my children, because especially the older one misbehaves quite often (even more so at my parent’s – what a surprise), and in a way my parents find particularly shocking (disrespectful backtalk towards adults, lashing out towards the younger baby). They say it’s my parenting style that ‘made her this way’, and I end up questioning everything and moving back to traditional parenting. It’s hard to stay calm, focused and trusting in yourself, your child and RIE if there are no results to take pride in.
Maybe letting go of the need for my parent’s approval stems from my own upbringing. But I think it has also to do with me being a very young mom, having had my daughter at 19 and my son at 21. I feel inadequate and incompetent. But articles like these and the comments under it give me hope and a little more trust. So thank you (and sorry for any mistakes, English is not my native language).

By: Kelly

Kelly — Tue, 27 Aug 2019 13:38:14 +0000

For anyone thinking they are “late” joining in, we didn’t discover RIE until our son was about 3 years old! (He’s 5 1/2 now and just started kindergarten.) He had plenty of colorful, plastic gear, and the TV was on from an early age. But the idea that he was a whole person who should be respected and have a voice in our household is something my husband and I have always felt; we just didn’t have a label for it. Neither of us was raised in such a respectful manner, especially from such a young age, and we knew we wanted to do it differently. Now, having seen success in his social-emotional development and having the support of this community along with a *few* friends who parent similarly, it is getting easier to stick to our beliefs. Hanging back; allowing time and space for quiet, unstructured play; not explaining so much; not refereeing so much; not forcing activities to please other people or for photos for social media posts (don’t get me started on THAT); sitting with him (or giving him space) respectfully when he is upset – just as I would with any loved one – are just a few of the things we try to do. It’s become second nature now and relatively easy when we are alone, but it can still be a challenge doing what we think is best when out in public or with friends and family who don’t get it. We live in the southern United States, in a rural area at that, where you will hear all kinds of unsolicited, ignorant “advice.” I can feel the judgement, but it is making me a stronger person and mother. It is a good workout for one’s backbone! … Thanks to Kate-t for sharing and to you, Janet. I’m so grateful I did find your website. It’s never too late!

By: Lauren

Lauren — Fri, 23 Aug 2019 01:23:45 +0000

In reply to Erica. What a beautiful story. So sorry you faced so much opposition from family. It's such an emotionally charged situation. My mom is my little ones caregiver now that I have returned to work. She spends quite a bit of time on Facebook so I liked Janet's page on her account! She reads articles and gets exposure to the ideas on her own. We've been blessed with a content baby who has been happy on her mat since day one.

By: janet

janet — Tue, 16 Oct 2018 02:57:24 +0000

In reply to Jill Winkler. YES, I have felt that in many ways myself. Thank you for sharing your wonderful success!

By: Jill Winkler

Jill Winkler — Tue, 16 Oct 2018 01:23:51 +0000

I children are now 9 and 11 y/o. My story is similar in the ways as I felt like we were so much against the grain, in everything we did and I felt the judgement. Now I get full acknowledgement from my mother that the choices we made and the culture we created in our family really have payed off. They were hard for her to understand at the time and difficult sometimes to live with (such as no TV ). It is so interesting and rewarding to see for myself how I think this influenced who my children are today but also hear that others see this too.

By: Lucy

Lucy — Tue, 21 Aug 2018 04:34:23 +0000

Thank you for this lovely piece
My question is related specifically to stairs. At the moment we have a very steep stair case leading down to an under house garage (which is gated) and also four steps leading down to a small hall to our front door (which is also gated). The front door steps are very slippy tiles and are treacherous to everyone, particularly in wet weather. I’ve often wondered if I should leave the gate off them to let my 10 month old figure them out for herself but nerves have stopped me. She is pulling to standing already and frequently gets ‘stuck’ trying to get down to the floor again, and while I try and leave her to work it out herself (while talking about her being stuck and offering her to take my hands as an option) I feel like she really is stuck after a while and help her down anyway. I’m aware this is probably wrong? Any RIE advice would be very gratefully received. Thank you!

By: Sarah

Sarah — Mon, 22 Aug 2016 23:59:46 +0000

This post couldn’t have been more timely for me. I follow a respectful style of parenting after having my 2nd thanks to your wonderful posts like this. I can really relate to the feeling of being criticized for parenting this way and the pain is especially tough when it comes from your mother. Just last night I decided to finally lay out on the table to my mom how disrespected and criticized I was feeling. This is a hard thing because my mom can be very fragile. And sure enough it was a very painful reaction I got from her. At first she completely could not listen and was purely defensive, and then came a lot of deep pain and tears. She admitted to me that she too had not been respected as a child. And finally, after some more unsolicited advice of how she felt I should parent my 2 yr old…she broke and finally HEARD me. I told her that all I wanted was for her to respect me even when she doesn’t agree with me and be my strongest supporter. She wanted to keep reminding me her points abd opinions but we made headway. So it’s nice to see others struggling with the same thing. I hope one day I can relax and enjoy her company again. She is a very caring, giving soul and often they are reacting this way because of their own childhood pain.