Sounds like you might be misunderstanding the RIE approach, Frances. It isn’t about talking to your baby for the sake of talking or in order to stall before addressing her needs… RIE recommends asking questions while really listening to your baby’s communication, so that you know for sure.. “oh, sounds like you need to burp, so I’m going to pick you up and help you”…or “Seems you are saying you’re hungry…is that right? Okay, I will pick you up so you can nurse”… or “I’m not if you are hungry or need to burp, so I’m going to pick you up to see… Are you ready?” Children gain confidence when they feel understood by us, or we are at least attempting to understand, rather than making a snap decision because we can’t stand the sound of our baby crying.

The trouble I have when trying to follow a RIE approach is in discerning when she has a genuine need. For example I have attempted to sit with her and talk to her instead of picking her up straight away when she was upset only to find that when I did she had a massive burp or really wanted feeding. A lot of the RIE advice seems to say things along the lines of make sure their needs are met and then leave them alone (not alone exactly but you know what I mean!) How do I know if they are met without checking though? Especially when she seems to get so worked up so easily.

The first 3 months of life are nicknamed the “4th trimester”. I’m not an expert, but it seems to me that they are nicknamed this because developmentally, infants need what they have in the womb constantly (calmness, to be “held”, and constantly touched, soothed, a belly always full, etc.). I wouldn’t stress too much about this behavior at this point in time with your baby.

She is now 5 years old, and has “big feelings!” (Her words) and feels very comfortable expressing them all at home, however preschool was a different story and it was a bit of a rough year. I fully embrace that she is herself, and love (not always in the moment) that she has “big feelings!”, but the rest of the world is not always so welcoming.

What I am trying to say is that as parents we can only do so much, my daughter has a great big life outside of my control and all I can do is love her and accept that I belong to her but she belongs to the world.

Thanks for sharing your story, it is hard when our children struggle. It is never too late to learn to walk through our emotions, best of luck to both of you.

Sheri, to follow the baby means perceiving him or her as a separate individual –understanding where we end and our baby begins. This is a challenging process for just about every parent I’ve known (including myself). Magda Gerber’s approach is designed to help us discern how to truly follow our child…rather than projecting our own fears and concerns. Yes, “it depends”. It always “depends”. Each child is unique. It is difficult to perceive our child’s unique needs (and abilities) when we are clouded by our impulses to make crying stop.

Emily, I agree about the message of my “Reasons to Calm Down” post. I think you might be misunderstanding Jane’s post. She is not implying that she should have left her daughter alone to cry. She is wondering if she “got in her daughter’s way” by believing it her responsibility to quell all her daughter’s tears, rather than calmly supporting her and, therefore, “normalizing” these feelings for her. That is how we help children build resiliency.

The way we define our child’s “needs” (and how we should meet them) comes into play here.

“Terrified of your own grief and sadness” is a very uncomfortable place to be.

Suzanne and Emily , Love your common sense comments! I learned about Magda Gerber through West.Ed PITC training. Besides all the components of. Respectful Care one phrase I always remember is “it depends” when people are looking for an “answer”. Each baby and situation is different and requires different responses. It bother me a little that even the Magda Gerber followers here forget her advice – to follow the baby and not what some “expert” ( including her) says.