“If is was happening at home, the personal limit might be eventually saying, “I need to move into another room, because the screaming is bothering me.””

Hi Janet – This exact scenario occurred in my home the other day. My 6 year old was very upset about something and screaming right in my ear as I nursed my 1 year old. When she didn’t stop after I asked, I said if you continue screaming then I will need to leave the room. She did, and so I took my baby into a room where I could lock the door because I knew my 6 year old would just follow me in. Of course my six year old didn’t like this, and sat at the door screaming and crying and banging on it. Because I feared she may damage the door, I threatened (despite my pain in doing so) “If you keep banging the door, there will be no movie night.” She continued, so I took away movie night. This continued for a few more rounds of “If you keep banging the door, I’ll take away X.” After a few rounds, she did finally stop banging. I felt helpless in this moment to physically stop her from banging the door while also continue nursing my baby who I didn’t feel like should be punished for the other child’s behavior.

In that moment, I felt like I needed to protect my baby from the up close screaming and allow her to continue nursing and so putting this barrier between us all felt like the only way to do it. But it also felt awful “locking” my child out who was having an emotional breakdown. I don’t want to send the message “I can’t handle you.”

Example: she will “intentionally” scream to wake the baby up or prevent me from getting the baby to bed. I use the quotes because I know she loves the baby and does not want to cause the baby distress, and instead is actually communicating her normal feelings around the huge changes of having a new baby requiring our attention, etc. Ideally we address these feelings with some more quality time, and we are working on it, but we’re human and don’t have infinite time to always do this. So… the screaming and waking up will happen. And there is no logical/related consequence that is a part of our routine (which I suppose is considered a “natural consequence, though I wasn’t able to see your mention of that word). If I lock the door she bangs on it which is just as bad. I am often on my own in these situations, so nobody can even hold her and keep her away from us when I’m putting her down. And sometimes we literally cannot hold her and keep her away from the baby’s room – she’s strong!!

I’d also love to hear your response about finding a “natural” consequence for not staying in bed at bedtime, as requested by Tina.

And even if you find a “natural” consequence for my example, as you have for others’ examples, I’m sure there is at least one situation that doesn’t have “natural” consequence. Please advise on what to do when this actually happens.

Hi Rose, You’re not alone here! My children have experimented with some colorful language too. The best way I’ve found to get the “bad” words to stop is to introduce some new ones. So when my child came home with a word I didn’t like, I responded with mock shock, “What did you say? Did you say snowball?! You didn’t? Oh good, THAT word is NOT allowed!” This gets the giggles going and all that lack of impulse control can take over as they say “snowball” repeatedly and I mock horror at their “awful” language. I beg and plead for them to stop and they get to keep going releasing a lot of tension through their laughter. We always end up feeling closer and the novelty of the other word loses its appeal (until the next one comes and we find a new replacement like cauliflower or holy guacamole!). Good luck!

I always love your podcast and reading your articles. Can you help on what is appropriate for my almost 3 year old to keep her in her toddler bed? I’ve tried multiple times, picking her up gently and confidently and saying “we need to stay in our bed” or “I can see you are having a hard time, I’ll put you back in your bed”. I try reasoning that she needs her rest for all the fun we want to have. These do not seem to work. What else can I do? I don’t want to pull the punishment card? But I’m at a loss. I read last night on another blog…Give them two chances and remind them each time if you get out, you have one more chance but then no TV tomorrow. Ok last chance, you chose. You can get out but then no tv. It sounds like this is not something you recommend. Your help past what I’m saying would be so helpful! Thank you!

I just left a comment as I am having this same problem, I really need help with this too X

I completely agree with the concept of logical consequences and try my best with this. I have lots of trouble encouraging respectful language from my five year old. I try to keep both me and my partner aware of how we communicate, but my son is bringing home lots of words and phrases to test from school. I cannot allow some of this language, I cannot ignore it and allow him to continue it constantly, and I can’t always find logical consequences, seeming to always resort to screen time. I’ve read so many of your posts about setting limits but am feeling very stuck.