Comments on: Repairing Relationships With Our Children

By: Tanya

Tanya — Tue, 15 Aug 2023 18:58:13 +0000

Thank you for this reassurance!
I was very close to my first but not so much with my second due to complicated birth trauma!
My second child has recently developed this type of behaviour and I think it relates to the thought of starting school!! My eldest had no problems starting school but my youngest tells me she is scared and I myself am scared for her!
She is a lockdown covid baby so didn’t socialise as much when little plus I had PND and was in a mother and baby unit where I didn’t have the close comfort I would have liked with her!

The advice given makes complete sense to me if I relate it to our situation even though it is in different circumstances – perhaps it is her way of trying to connect more with me now when she is scared!!
I really hope we can repair the damage caused by the distance between us in the early days – I feel I am starting to feel that connection but just hope she does too!! It’s breaks my heart that I was unable to be there for her when she was little due to my own mental and physical health issues!!!

By: Katie

Katie — Sun, 08 Aug 2021 14:54:25 +0000

In reply to Jaimee.

I feel this on so many levels.. my son was alittle over 2 when my daughter was born, he just turned 3 and things have gotten really difficult. Both children are extremely stubborn and strong willed and its created this jealousy that wasnt there when she was born. There has also been some potty issues. For example my son has been using the potty since he was 2 but after a day of using it he would want nothing to do with it, if we pushed he got worse, so we took a break and tried a month later.. we did this over and over. finally around 3 he started smearing poop in his playroom and i freaked (i know, not the right reation) we pushed the potty again and he just started going, even staying dry all night, well now a week into it he will spitefully pee in his toy bins, or the other day being the couch, mainly when im tending to his sister, but this morning is was when dad wouldn’t let him do something he went in my room and tried to pee in a jar? Also my husband lets him pee outside if we arent home so im not sure if hes confused or being spiteful. I’m not sure what to do, it creates alot of anxiety for me. On top of it hes angry and as he states ‘frustrated’, he will make grr faces at me and his sister and say we are being fresh, throwing his toys alot and yelling. Honestly the yelling is mimicking me which I’ve done while completing overwhelmed and I’ve promised to stop doing. As others have said i feel like im messing up my kid who is so bright and loving so this extreme aggressive type behavior is not like him. I dont know how to fix it, everything has become a fight, he will yell at me even if im having an intense ( not fighting) conversation with someone, I’m assuming he doesnt like the tone. He will push his sister and go out of his way to hit her if hes upset about something else but will still ask for her as soon as he wakes up so i know he loves her. He acts out when i put her down to nap so it kind of messes up our bonding time when shes sleeping because i have to discipline him for something, also my husband was working from home for the past yr and has gone back into work a few months ago, so he no longer has another parent to bounce off of.. its just so hard, and im a mess not knowing whats normal toddler behavior, and what i did, and how to fix it 🙁

By: Rumeezah

Rumeezah — Tue, 11 Aug 2020 03:31:38 +0000

Hello Janet,
First I would like to thank you for publishing such a wonderful article. It is worth reading by giving some goosebumps to me. The thing which i have come across to many comments here which is also similar to my case too, is that the pediatrician can look at it differently. Likewise, if the child is crying or overreacting or showing tantrums all of a sudden over particular things and at the same having some verbal issues too…The Dr might take it to Autism. So, I shall be grateful if you can elaborate on it please as I am finding many mums here who is facing similar problem but no one address it to Autism.

Thanking you very much in advance.
God bless everyone here to tackle with these tough phases in our lives…Ameen

By: janet

janet — Wed, 17 Jan 2018 04:38:46 +0000

In reply to Craig. I'm so glad, Craig. Yay!

By: Craig

Craig — Tue, 16 Jan 2018 17:20:53 +0000

Thank you Janet. Another perfectly timed, much needed strategy and boost of confidence. My relationship with my 3 year old has been tumultuous from the beginning and recently I’ve been hostage to the feelings of guilt and disappointment in myself. This goes a long, long way to helping me figure it all out.

By: Jaimee

Jaimee — Tue, 09 Aug 2016 16:15:19 +0000

In reply to sarah.

I’d love to hear the answer to this. Setting clear boundaries is hard for me. I set them, but have trouble following through and stopping testing. Like if I’m asking her to put her shoes on and she won’t do it or not to step on baby sister. Sometimes I can’t physically make it happen because I’m feeding the 2 month old. We’ve resorted to “calling Panda Bear” (which I also do to report good behavior). I hate hate hate it, but it’s the only sure fire way we’ve found to get her to listen if she’s testing.

By: janet

janet — Sun, 10 Jan 2016 16:57:53 +0000

In reply to Renae. That's so lovely of you to say! Thank you, Renae

By: Renae

Renae — Sun, 10 Jan 2016 09:45:18 +0000

Hi Janet,
Just wanted to say that it is so wonderful to read your posts. I wish there were more ‘professionals’ out there giving your advice to new parents.
I’m often saddened when thinking of the horrid advice people are given by so called experts and pressured by other family members to the point of doubting their own intuition. Poor darling innocent babies suffer as a result and the parents too. It’s always seemed so odd to me that babies are almost thought of as some’thing’ to train to fit in to our life rather than some’one’ to share a life with and for us to adapt to their needs. Because it feels so inately that way for me it is hard to comprehend it would be any other way. It just feels natural to be there for them in every way and to meet all of their needs with kindness and understanding.
Thank you for shining a light on compassionate, intelligent, insightful, intuitive and gentle parenting.
Kindly, Renae.

By: Sarah

Sarah — Thu, 16 Jul 2015 18:02:50 +0000

Thank you so much for this post. My son is almost 16 years old and I also feel like I failed him in his early years…in fact not just his early years but up until about a year ago. As a single young mom I, like the original poster, feel I received (and took) some iffy to bad advice, and I often had trouble sticking to any one approach because I didn’t feel they were right for us or working. Throughout the next years, we became a blended family, explored about 1000 approaches to parenting and support for children with challenging behaviours (at 14 was diagnosed with ASD), and have gone through hours and hours of therapy as a family, and individually. And until I found RIE, we were floundering. For the past year or so I have been actively working on changing my interactions with all 4 of my kids, but especially with my boy, to try to repair the damage I feel was done to our relationship and to him by my (our) inconsistent, unconfident, and often authoritarian-for-lack-of-knowing-what-else-to-do parenting. I see a difference. For us, for him, a big, remarkable, noticeable difference. He is calmer, more regulated, his sleeping and eating is even better. He is more confident in problem solving, and he is making decisions for himself that he would previously balk at completely. He is happier, more engaged, and more open in our family. Our 3 daughters,2 teens and a 9 year old, are also loving this new attitude, and one of the best parts is watching my husband follow my lead and choose to learn and implement this wonderful approach to raising children. We still have our bumps, as it was too many years to fix in a short time, but I finally feel like I am doing “right” by my boy, and every time I read a post like this, I find more help and insight. Thank you!!

By: Emily

Emily — Sat, 10 Jan 2015 03:14:29 +0000

In reply to Carin.

Carin,

I felt great empathy for you as I read your reply. I had a similar situation. There was also a good dose of PPD/A in there for me. I came out of the fog over a year after she was born, and I remember when she turned 18 months old just kneeling and asking God to help me with my relationship with her (for me, the shortness was with my infant). I became intentional about building our relationship, bonding, and my good feelings for her. I, too, felt that I may have “ruined” her and that I was afraid of how that may have affected her. I am so happy to say that she just turned 3 and I am in a totally different place. Through listening, accepting, and setting clear limits (she is my “spirited” child!) we have come so far. She regularly comes up to me to tell me she loves me. Music to my ears! Anyway, I wanted to give you consolation that you are not alone and hope that things can and will turn around!