Comments on: Helping Toddlers Resolve Conflicts (Rules of Engagement)

By: Dimitris Voutsinos

Dimitris Voutsinos — Thu, 07 Sep 2023 10:21:28 +0000

Hi,
I am a bit perplexed about Don’t No 3 :
Don’t state the obvious.
I am not sure it’s obvious to an overwhelmed child that her actions upset John. She is probably enclosed in her fury. Isn’t it part of our teaching him to control his impulses to attract attention on the consequences? It can be that we say “Look what John, he s sad” but also that we just check if John is/feels ok, can’t it? After all we model caring about others, don’t we?
Thanks

By: Eda

Eda — Wed, 26 Feb 2020 15:28:39 +0000

Hello. Thank you for the great post. I don t know if l should be concerned for my little girl who is 39 month old or that her reactions would get better by time. She is not the hitting or toy taking one. She is the emotional one that bursts out for evetything, cries so loud and get so upset that it is limiting my time out in park or in general time out with other mothers for play dates. She gets so upset when she can t get her way and comes to me for help and if l ignore her which l tried her loud cries would be long enough to bother everyone around us. Its been like this since she was around 2 and at first l thought it was just a phase but its not ending and l really wonder if its a behaviour and an emotional problem. She is a very sweet and kind kid who likes to share and is friendly. Yesterday there was one much smaller child almost a 1.5 year old baby chasing her in the park and she ran to me crying. Seems like she can t defend herself at all and tears come immeditely then comes an emotional outburst. What should and can l do, l m in desperate help. Thank you.

By: Allison

Allison — Mon, 10 Sep 2018 18:03:14 +0000

I have twin boys who are nearly 3 and A is always bullying B (who is more fragile in general and easy to upset). A will look for opportunities to block his movement, get to a toy/lap/toilet before him, and touch B’s food or chair in a way he knows is upsetting. B is constantly tormented like this so it is hard to blame him when he hits. I try to stay out of it as much as possible but I am so frustrated with A that his only way of “playing” seems to be harassing B. Is A going to be a sociopath, or am I missing his efforts at communication?

By: Grace

Grace — Thu, 06 Sep 2018 04:21:38 +0000

Hi, do you think that it is too much intervening to ask a toddler to use his or her words to ask the other child for what he/she wants or needs? I work in a toddler montessori environment and I would do this with children who are able to speak. With younger children I would sportscast and sometimes do the asking on their behalf. However if the other child is not willing (i.e. to give a toy or his space or agree to working together with another child) I would respect their preference, assuming there was no grabbing (of toys) involved.

By: Tracey

Tracey — Sun, 25 Sep 2016 02:11:26 +0000

Hi Janet,

I was wondering about a toddler in a group setting who is continually getting their toys “taken” by others. I see it as an opportunity to sportscast feelings around this so that everyone can learn about their actions but I worry about the child who is not assertive.

By: Brooke

Brooke — Fri, 16 Oct 2015 06:33:50 +0000

I see this is an older thread, but can’t seem to find the answer to my question regarding setting boundaries when it revolves around other people’s children. I brought my 10 month old daughter to an indoor playground where two 4 or 5 year old boys pushed her to the ground and aggressively ripped the toys out of her hands. I was standing nearby, and since their mothers were watching from a few feet away and didn’t intervene, I was a bit shell shocked and unsure as to how to handle the situation respectfully while still intervening with unwanted physical behavior. I quickly blocked my hand over my daughter and asked the boys to be careful around the baby. The two boys continued to push and aggressively take toys from several babies and younger toddlers in the play area, until finally one mom had enough and told the boys to back off her son since they were hurting him. It’s one thing to let kids resolve their own disputes, but these boys weren’t learning anything other than the fact that they were kings of the playground. My question is, what do I say in that situation – especially when their own mothers are sitting right there? While I want my daughter to learn to handle her own disputes, I’m not going to send a signal to her that it’s okay to stay silent when someone gets physical with her. Whether or not she was upset by the interaction (she seemed startled and annoyed), saying nothing, especially when she can’t yet speak up for herself to these boys, feels akin to condoning their behavior. What is an appropriate way to set boundaries when other people’s children get physical with yours? Thank you!

By: Kim

Kim — Thu, 23 Jul 2015 02:53:05 +0000

Hi Janet! I am finding myself getting lost in your website – so many wonderful suggestions and insights, thank you. I will be running a Montessori-inspired playgroup for twos and threes and their parents, and I know that this topic will come up. I’m in the process of writing a handout to give parents with some basic suggestions for language, observation, etc. Here is my question: If one parent is noticing and trying to support two children in a conflict, and the other child starts to get physical, what should that parent do? Obviously, I would not put my hands on a child I did not know – but what if (s)he was throwing a truck at my son, for example? How do I protect my child (physically as well as his right to play somewhere)? Thank you so much!

By: Steph

Steph — Sat, 13 Jun 2015 05:20:19 +0000

Hi Janet,

In your article, What To Do About A Toddler Toy Taker’ you say, “This seemingly passive reaction from a child often concerns parents as much as a child’s aggression does. Is my child too timid? Will he always shy away from conflict, let others take advantage and walk all over him?” Do you have anything more to share on this? My 27 month old is this child that you describe and after reading time and time again that it’s developmentally normal for toddlers to test boundaries and learn through snatching, biting, hitting, etc, I wonder if my daughter is not “normal”, not meeting developmental milestones or if she hasn’t been socialised enough. She’s starting to say, “I’m using this” at home with us (mum and dad), but when we’re out she’ll say it and look at me as opposed to the child who’s trying to take it from her. Generally though, even when other kids are possessive with HER toys at our house, she won’t seem bothered. I’m hoping she’s just very laid back and this will get her far in the long run!

By: janet

janet — Sun, 25 Jan 2015 19:48:39 +0000

In reply to Jabby. You are welcome to disagree, Jabby. No, I would not give a child a toy. I would, however, try to help the child express himself or herself in an appropriate manner. Why do you believe this child bites or hits? That is what I strongly recommend considering if you are sincerely wishing to help this child.

By: Jabby

Jabby — Sun, 25 Jan 2015 12:48:03 +0000

I have to disagree with your approach regarding biting and hitting. This same approach has been used and now a pattern of behaviour is left. Other people bring their children to us so we keep them safe. As a result of your approach this now developed pattern of hitting a d biting has escalated into this violent behavioural pattern. Completely unacceptable. Children absolutely have to have consequences for their behaviour.
Also, just wondering , in your article you say ‘do you want this toy’? But I certainly hope you didn’t give it to them after they hit someone. You were not clear on that. We can still be kind and gentle but they need to learn there are consequences for god or bad behaviour…just like there are good or bad consequences for behaviour. I feel we as adults don’t do any favours by limiting lessons that need to be learned.