This is my 5 year old. I’m new to respectful parenting. What is some helpful advice in dealing with this kind of anger? Are they’re more articles I could read? I will definitely be trying this new mantra.

This was the perfect blog post to scaffold a question I have been wondering about for a long time. (I am an avid reader of your work and listener of your too-wonderful-to-be-real podcast 🙂 ) In a nutshell, one of my struggles and worries about my now 6 year-old (with 4 and 2 year-old siblings) is a very similar type of anger response to limits. He is definitely a screamer and I have the same instinctual response as the author describes here. At times my body goes into an intense flight or fight response as well. I have worked hard to remain calm in times when he screams earsplittingly loud and, also as described here, when I handle it in an “unruffled” way he calms down much faster and usually approaches me soon after in a loving way. So I feel good about that, and my ability to face these outbursts calmly is growing and becoming much easier. (Particululary because, as you often say, the right perspective is everything. And when I envision him getting something uncomfortable and icky out of his system, it actually makes me feel good to allow him that! (I never had such luxury, not without punishment anyway). So in a longwinded way, I come to my question-even though I feel I have handled these types of reactions fairly well for most of his life (with some regrettable missteps of course) he is still a creamer at six. He will clench his fists, sometimes hit things, and scream with all his might, in fact I worry if he will hurt himself from the intensity of it. Do you think this is still developmentally normal at 6?? I had extremely intense emotions as a child, and I while I can’t help but worry when I see this in him, I know some of us are just very sensitive and have really really big emotions. I know I still do. Also, these reactions are usually over limits set like, its time for bed, you can’t eat that, etc. So probably just triggers for other stresses. Anyway, most of your podcasts and writing is geared toward younger children and I would just really appreciate your thoughts!

With great admiration,
Jennier

I am so happy that I came across this website today, particularly this post. My 2.5 year old was so lovely and sweet, until about 2 months ago. It’s like she has turned into a different person. I too know this primal scream (which is followed by “Stop” or “No” and a hand in my face). I would say that 75% of the time, I’m able to act calm, empathize with her behavior, and get the ship moving in the right direction. But that 25% of the time when I can’t keep MY emotions in check, well it never ends well. It’s usually a battle of wills and there are threats, timeouts, yelling, and then me feeling awful for knowing that I’m not reacting the way I need to. The problem is that she is far too smart, and she knows how to push my buttons. I absolutely LOVE your mantra “she needs me to be calm.” I think if I can master that, I will be more successful with having the right approach. I have a few questions that I’m hoping someone can answer (1) please reassure me that my loving, happy, sweet little girl will reappear! and (2) what do you do when she refuses to take a nap, refuses to put on her shoes to go to daycare, etc? There have been a few days where she goes in the car with no shoes/socks because I refuse to negotiate with her for hours on end (it’s only 15 degrees out!). Is that the right approach? Is sitting in a chair in her room when she refuses to nap just giving into her demands? I would greatly appreciate any advice. I want to do the right thing, but it’s so hard to make the right decisions when things REALLY get out of control.

I have much the same reaction when my son does hits me (or anything else physical). I get confused, not knowing how to approach the situation. So I lash out in anger over the wrong doing done against me. I wish I could change. I try. It’s so stressful 🙁

to answer your question, after she stopped screaming, I got a chance to acknowledged her feeling . before that she was screaming so loudly that she was not able to listen to me.
thank you so much. your answer really helped me .
may I ask one more question, isn’t it non-RIE to refer to a tantrum and discuss it (like what Kate did) when it is over . Don’t we increase the risk of creating ” a child with a problem” by talking about the problem after it has finished
I’m definitely not criticizing Kate, she is obviously an insightful and wonderful mother , I just want to correct my understanding about what is RIE and what is not.
thank you so much again.

So glad Sara asked this! We have struggled so much with “the scream” from my 2.5 year old. I know he needs to use it to express himself when upset, but he also uses it when excited or silly. It’s SO LOUD and I do feel he uses it as power because we made the mistake of trying to get him to stop. Now that we have a baby around I have tried very hard not to blame his needing to be quieter on his brother so as not to stir up any more angry feelings. I’ll be using the “he needs me to be calm” mantra for sure. Thanks for this post!