Thanks so much.

Thank you, Mary! I would acknowledge and interpret for your daughter and her grandmother, placing your hand there to prevent ungentle touches from your daughter, “Are you asking grandma to wait until you’re ready to play? I can’t let you push, that’s unkind.” I’d also consider if you and your husband need to be playing with your daughter when grandma is visiting because chances are she will prefer your attention. Maybe the choice could be to play with grandma or on her own.

It’s about perspective. I don’t believe there is any part of RIE that says we can’t teach our children right from wrong. What is being discussed here is how to perceive their challenging behaviors in a way that allows US to remain calm/not overreact. And in my experience, this is important, because the best way to get a kid to repeat unwanted behavior is to overreact. By “overreact”, I mean yelling, lecturing, and punishment (I have done all three and have not yet achieved success with these methods). Overreacting does not refer to discipline in the sense of being consistent, stating expectations, or setting limits and boundaries. You are right that it’s very important to be able to set limits and stick to them.

More to the point, our kids typically misbehave *in spite of* knowing right from wrong. So why are they doing it? They need something and they don’t know how to ask for it. Janet’s advice to look past the behavior to the underlying need is sound, because not only does it help us maintain our cool; it helps our kids learn to identify and verbalize the feelings they struggle with rather than acting them out in more destructive ways.

Example: my son hates putting on clothes. Sometimes he screams and struggles, sometimes he runs away from me. One day while struggling to put on his shirt with him squealing in protest, I said, “you can say you’re angry about this if you want”. Maybe not exactly RIE, but it’s what came to me in the moment. Well, the next time I tried to put a shirt on him, he struggled a little, then said, “I’m so MAD!” to which I replied “that’s ok!” …and that was all it took for him to be happy again lol

Janet! That could be the name of your next book 🙂

Hi John,

I think you’ve wildly misunderstood the point of what Janet is saying. She is encouraging us to end this unsafe and hurtful action between the child and cat and to stay close to let our child know that it’s not an action we will let them perform because it is unacceptable and that we will be there to stop them. No one is excusing the behaviour just reframing the motivation behind it. Children don’t have the same reasoning skills we do and need our help, lashing out at our child certainly doesn’t teach them empathy and compassion, having empathy and compassion towards them and others is what does that. I also don’t think this reinforces the car is unsafe, but that their behaviour is unsafe. I use this tool with my son on the rare occasion when he is unsafe with his baby sister or animals and he’s certainly not scared of either of them.

I’m commenting so I can see a response as we are dealing with similar issues.

I am really thankful to have found your website for some challenging toddler behavior. I’ve noticed her behavior has gotten worse after weaning at 2.5 years. Have you ever heard of this ? It wasn’t my intention to stop but my supply was no longer available and I think it caused her frustration and confusion. God bless you!

Being in an international family (two different accents of French), living in a different language country (Dutch) with once-a-week Dutch daycare and getting English-speaking baby-sitters to cover the rest, he’s very late in language (he already was before moving here), so confirmation he understands us, and the expression of his needs and wishes, is also lacking. We tried the “we understand you’re angry” acknowledgment type of response, to no avail: when not having his way, he yells at EVERYTHING we tell him, no matter the words or tone, and then continues yelling for a moment even after we stopped saying anything. Now when he grabs something, he just runs with it (no matter how dangerous it is), then throws it if we catch him and actually steps on it, no matter if it’s breakable or not. Trivial or dangerous situations are alike, and as he grows, he reaches more and more areas (so we’re lacking safe spots now) and he doesn’t respect any boundary.

He’s a fun-loving, smiling child who desperately lacks any shyness or fear (it’s cute but also concerning at times), always active and moving and demanding attention (anyone will do, kids or adults). But he’s definitely hard to manage, and with the newborn and his enhanced reach and quickness, our ability to physically contain him is much diminished.