I think I noticed a typo that changes the meaning in a significant way. At the end of the first paragraph of the Have Reasonable Expectations section is the following sentence: “What she actually needs is to explode.” Should this say explore instead of explode?

In my work with struggling parents and families, I like to talk about kids being ‘aliens’ to our world (like E. T. from the 1990s movie), like them coming from Mars or somewhere far away, being catapulted into this world, this society, and really struggling to find a place they are comfortable in. They thus have to learn EVERY thing, and that is overwhelming, because they cannot understand what is happening, in themselves, around themselves, with themselves. So if we can open some space for them to learn, mostly by trial and error, some by imitation, and hold that space safe for them to evolve in, they can over time define who they are, what is good for them, and what is good for the others around them. But this all starts with them being alien. Being an alien. Lost beings in a world they cannot really grasp. Reacting with these – to us
– alien behaviors. Because yes, they are aliens in our world, but these tiny creatures are aliens for us adults too, as they do not function and act/react according to ‘the rules’ we know. They have their own set of ‘rules’ we have to get to know if we want them to understand us. To sum it up, it is our job as adults to ‘learn the language’ these aliens ‘talk’, in order to get the messages through that will help these aliens find their place in this world.

I find the lack of joyfulness in our relationship with our kids the saddest thing. In those tough phases when she’s unhappy or mad most of the time, I make a concrete effort to creare moments of Joy together. To counterbalance the despair.

I’m not Janet, but in the past her recommendation is to stop the behaviour before you get to the frustrated/angry place. So for the diaper change, you would present a choice (now or after X for example) and then say the diaper is getting changed now. If the child protests, validate “you don’t want to come right now” and just help them “I can see you need help, I’m going to carry you to the change table now” and proceed in a calm manner to carry them where you need hem. Not as a punishment, truly helping them where they were stuck. Be a calm confident leader. Do this early, before you’ve offered 100 extensions and are annoyed at them.

Hey if it helps at all, I was a kid who *hated* wearing jackets in sub freezing weather. I grew up in New Hampshire and my poor mother certainly got looks from disapproving onlookers. Let me tell you though, that I always appreciated my mom listening to my needs on this (and other body related issues like piercings and hair dying etc).

I think one of the things that made it work in our situation is that she would always provide guidance but not force me to do anything unrelated to my safety. For example she would tell me that we have to bring a jacket for safety because it is dangerous to get stuck in cold weather without warm clothing and it is my responsibility to carry it but I do not have to wear it (or she would carry it when I was younger but make it clear that a jacket = safety in cold weather). She would also tell me that I might feel uncomfortable without a jacket because of the temperature. But ultimately she also trusted me and would express a kind of interested surprise that I didn’t need a jacket even though it was freezing outside saying things like “wow you must have a super fast metabolism, you really don’t seem cold!” or even “I wish I could do that sometimes!”

And you know what? Some of the time I was totally lying – I was FREEZING! But I liked trying to push my limits and I liked that my mom let me but still kept me safe. It helped give me a framework to not be afraid of being physically uncomfortable and figure out the line between discomfort and being unsafe. And if I was being annoying to her because I was uncomfortable, then on went the jacket, because that made it clear I needed a break from being physically uncomfortable.

Totally trust your gut on this, because its an opportunity for her to learn what her body needs and its ok for her to be uncomfortable – but she needs to stay safe and she’ll need your guidance when its becoming clear that she really can’t handle the physical discomfort anymore (i.e. whining, complaining, etc.)

I think kids are uncomfortable a looot of the time. A lot more than we are as adults. They can probably handle being cold because they can handle all the other uncomfortable, crazy curveballs life is throwing them.

This is probably years too late, but thought I’d chime in anyway. I’m a nanny of toddlers too, but this comes mostly as a now adult who really always appreciated how my mom handled this particular issue with me.

Hi Kristi – I totally see your point and am sorry for any offense I may have caused. I’m going to take a look at how I can change this language. I struggle to help parents perceive their children in a manner that helps them to empathize and help, rather than scold, blame and punish.

I really love your blog and your advice has helped our family tremendously. That being said, I stopped in my tracks reading this one when I got to the point where you write, “I recommend perceiving toddlers more like mental health patients than unruly kids.” As a social worker in the mental health field, a person with a mental health diagnosis, and as an advocate for the rights of people with disabilities, I must challenge you on this as it is hurtful and stigmatizing to people with mental health conditions. You are insinuating a lot about people with mental health conditions as out of control and needing direction, as well as infantilizing people and it is extremely hurtful. I encourage you to rethink your language, and your philosophy around equating toddlers with people with mental health conditions.

Thank you.