Comments on: Share… Wait Your Turn… Don’t Touch… Playdate Rules That Limit Learning (And What To Try Instead)

By: Terri

Terri — Sun, 09 Jul 2023 11:48:52 +0000

Perhaps slightly “off topic” but still a similar topic nevertheless…what should I do when my 75yr old father tries to make my 4yr old son “obey” his rules during play (his grandson)? My son is an only child and is still learning the complexities of sharing and also adopting other’s ideas in play. He is definitely making progress and attends preschool two days a week. But my father refuses to accept this learning phase and I feel like I constantly have to stick up for my son afterwards to reiterate this. Should I suggest to my father to just “observe his Grandson instead until he passes this phase?

By: Sharon Roffman

Sharon Roffman — Fri, 07 Jul 2023 11:32:17 +0000

Hello Janet, i would love to follow this advice, but my 3.5 year old son can get aggressive if he doesn’t get what he wants. At the park, for instance, if I’m not watching carefully he will hit or push to take another kid’s toy or defend his own, and it doesn’t matter if that kid is 2 heads bigger then him. I feel like I must intervene to protect his and other children’s’ safety. This is also part of a bigger problem of agression that I don’t know how to deal with. I’ve read your books and blogs and am trying everything but he still hits and pushes, mostly at moments of frustration, but sometimes literally out of nowhere, with no instigator. Help?!?!

By: Lucy

Lucy — Thu, 06 Jul 2023 18:02:45 +0000

Hello.
I have a 2.5 year old son. I would love for him to socialize with peers, and I see that he would Like it too… But very very often we end up in a situation that he gets pushed around by others. Others take toys from him, push him etc. even though he never does that to others. I try to let him solve it by himself but I dont see any progress, rather he gets upset and frustrated more and more and than asks for my help, which I do give him. How can I help him learn to stand up for himself. It is really painfull to watch for me. 🙁 What should I tell him afterwards? For example, he tells mé that a boy took his toy and pushed him and than also says that it is not right, it is not allowed. And Its difficoult for mé to explain that it is not right thing to do, But I can not do anything about it,because it is not my child who is behaving this way…

By: Holly

Holly — Sun, 06 Nov 2022 02:04:59 +0000

My 2yo has a 7yo cousin who are close and have a close bond but when playing 9 times out of 10 when my 2yo is happily playing with something and is causing no issues and the 7 yo wants it and will try to take it or dominate the situation and then an issue is caused. It seems that everything the 2yo has he wants.

I hear my 2yo saying no say no to him or try to get it back which will then lead to him shouting or crying or hitting because he has taken off him which is a common thing the 7yo does to him.

I do on occasions let them sort it out and on occasions I do have to intervene. I do explain to the 7yo that the 2yo had it first and then i do the turn taking game so they both get to play with it and sometimes he will accept and play with something else.

But if my son takes of the 7yo he immediately wants it back and will snatch and tug of war game begins ( he takes off my child but doesn’t like it being done back) in some instants i have to intervene and tell my 2yo to share and give it back as he had it first. I do try and explain to the 7yo if my 2yo takes off him that he is still learning how to share and is alot younger than him.

But its just the fact that as soon as my son picks up something the 7yo wants it or and thats what triggers and bugs me. Its like all these toys and you want something that you wasn’t bothered about because my 2yo has is ( he is the same with his sister taking and dominating games and situations so he gets the toy or longer or more goes with the toy but when they have had their turn its like its my turn now and will have 4 goes to their 1)

i have to intervene sometimes when i have witnessed the 7yo keep taking but i get triggered from this behaviour sometimes and shout because it happens so frequently.

If someone isn’t in the room when the 7yo has taken when an adult goes in to see what the fuss is because the 2yo is crying it usually then made thats its the 2yo fault more and then he gets in trouble to then i feel guilty because my 2yo is getting told off when its actually the 7yo who should be.

My 2yo isnt a saint and can be part of problems in situations but sometimes i do feel that the 7yo knows what he is doing and its like he likes seeing my 2yo get told off and likes winding my 2yo up.

By: janet

janet — Sat, 25 Jun 2022 21:04:07 +0000

In reply to Anna.

A one-year-old plays very differently than a more project-oriented 3 or 4-year-old, so I would protect your older child’s projects by giving the child a separate space to play in — could be on a high table that the baby can’t reach or a whole a separate room or section of a room. Alternatively, the baby could be in a gated-off “yes” space as I’ve recommended. So, no, I would not give your baby access to the cars. This is also important because those smaller toys are not safe for a younger child to mouth, etc. Sometimes what will happen is that the older child actually chooses to play where the baby is. Allow that only if you are available to keep the children safe while welcoming them to engage in conflict. This is how both children will learn to engage, solve conflicts themselves, and set boundaries with each other.

By: Mariana

Mariana — Sat, 25 Jun 2022 16:54:31 +0000

In reply to Anna. Similar happens here too. I'd love to hear Janet's response

By: Anna

Anna — Fri, 10 Dec 2021 06:23:38 +0000

Hi,
My four year old loves to play cars, he puts them in different lines and moves in different paces, he gets really involved and can focus on it for a long time. Then comes his two year old sister who just takes his cars from the lines. At this point my four year old gets really, really angry. He screams and tries to use force on his sister. Sometimes when he sees her approaching he asks me to stop her because he doesn’t want to ruin his car lines.
Should I allow the two year old to take the cars and just watch and sportscast? I feel like I let my four year old down by not helping even though he asked for it.

By: janet

janet — Fri, 10 Dec 2021 02:37:37 +0000

In reply to E. Yes, with siblings physical aggression will happen, but the overall atmosphere we cultivate: encouraging all feelings and not demonizing typical behavior can make a big difference.

By: janet

janet — Fri, 10 Dec 2021 02:35:39 +0000

In reply to E. Yes, with siblings physical aggression will happen, but the overall atmosphere we cultivate: encourage all feelings and not demonizing typical behavior can make a big difference.

By: E

Thu, 09 Dec 2021 21:22:01 +0000

I like how Janet says that at RIE they have the luxury of sitting and observing and being ready to step in to stop children from hurting each other. As a stay at home mom of a 5, 4 and 2.5 year old, I do not have that luxury. I’m in the kitchen washing dishes, cooking or canning while my children are in the living room and before I can get there someone is hitting or biting. If I could sit with my children all day then I could do something about it. But I don’t have that luxury.