Comments on: The Key to Cooperation (How to Stop Reacting and Start Connecting)

By: Michelle

Michelle — Wed, 23 Oct 2019 21:35:39 +0000

In reply to nicole. Hi Janet any suggested readings for similar issues just with other children. My Ten year old, grandson has trouble following directions or being redirected without having to be heard or understand why. He gets frustrated and talks under his breath but aloud, fidgets, rocks, sighs, loses focus etc.

By: Cess

Cess — Wed, 05 Sep 2018 08:43:47 +0000

OK ! Thank you for posting this, Janet. I am realizing that I have actually never really been able to practice this with our second child. This is very weird but it use to come so naturally to me when our first son was born but I am seeing now that I have completely dropped the ball. Thanks for giving me the motivation and inspiration to take that tiny pause before I react and give the gift of acceptance. Not only does it “work” better, it also is a more mindful way of parenting. Thank you!

By: Danielle

Danielle — Fri, 09 Sep 2016 23:03:49 +0000

Hi Laura,
I’m having a hard time changing my 14 month old sons diaper. He wants to roll, get up, and throw all the toys I give him as a distraction. It’s really frustrating. I also try to sing, and count to keep him entertained dur8ng the changing. How can I communicate to him that I need him to lay still so I can change him? I say that too and it doesn’t work?

Thanks!
Danielle

By: janet

janet — Sun, 15 Mar 2015 19:47:18 +0000

In reply to Laura. Hi Laura! Thank you so much for reading and for your encouraging note. Your dissertation sounds interesting!

By: Laura

Laura — Sun, 15 Mar 2015 13:01:32 +0000

Janet, I have been reading your work for some time. This is the most meaningful writing for me personally so far. I am currently writing a dissertation on a theory I have on emotional dysregulation and it’s application to attachment and interpersonal relations. The first part of the title is: From Rejection to Connection. The react-respond piece is part of my theory as well. It warms my heart to see others understand and relay how connection with others is everything. Attachment is a primal need. If we can attach we can learn to self regulate independently in time. If our attachments are insecure we risk living in a chronic state of emotional dysregulation. Thank you for writing this piece. I plan to share it with parents in my practice as a family and child therapist. Be well.

By: nicole

nicole — Sun, 15 Mar 2015 08:49:31 +0000

I am an American living long-term in France. If your insightful books could be translated into French,they might make an important impact on a culture based on shame and negativity. Merci.

By: janet

janet — Tue, 10 Feb 2015 01:33:47 +0000

In reply to Mary.

Thank you for reading, Mary!

There will be a transition period in which your children will learn that you no longer feel threatened by these episodes. That will create safety and ease limit-pushing. After you’ve acknowledged his wish to throw toys and you, as you say, are “met with opposition (but I WANT to throw toys RIGHT NOW!)”, acknowledge the power of those feelings… “You are upset. I hear you. You need help to stop throwing the toys… Here, I will take your hand” Or “pick you up” or something like that. Think in terms of helping, “don’t worry, I will help you stop.. I will always stop you went you get all crazy.” I’m not advising saying those words, but focusing on that train of thought.

Sending him to his room is a punishment that tells him you are giving up on trying to handle him. It will be more calming for him if he sees that you can handle him with relative ease… If you are easily triggered, I realize this will be challenging. But you CAN do it. Remember, these are teeny, tiny people.

I also recommend reading my advice for helping your son through this difficult transition… Having a baby sister is tough! https://www.janetlansbury.com/2013/04/helping-kids-adjust-to-life-with-the-new-baby/

Hope this helps!

By: lynsey

lynsey — Thu, 29 Jan 2015 13:41:48 +0000

I watched a girl taking care of someone’s baby, who was under the age of 1. The adult kept picking her up without respect (Respect would be; “I am going to pick you up. Ready?”) and moving her into the living room. She kept telling her to stay there, even though the adult, or attachment figure, was in another room. The child was not allowed to bond with the caring adult because of all this. The child, not understanding why she was being rejected, was crying, of course. So the adult picked her up and put her in the dark lonely bedroom, and said, “She’s not disciplined enough.”
….

By: Ali Jayne

Ali Jayne — Mon, 27 Oct 2014 22:37:31 +0000

Understanding is one of the greatest gifts we can give to anyone in our lives, and I loved reading the letter from Leah, that listening and acknowledging her child’s feelings has made such a change in their lives! So good to read – thank you for sharing it.
This is another post I will be adding to my toolbox – I am currently a preadoptive mom so learning everything I can before my children arrive.
Ali Jayne 🙂

By: Judy

Judy — Tue, 14 Oct 2014 11:41:49 +0000

In reply to Julie.

I hear what you are saying Julie. I have heard school aged kids that are used to the “but” getting annoyed and just kind of expecting the “but” at the end of an acknowledgement of feelings, desire, wants. “even though” works nicely. “You really want to play with these pencils even though they belong to Mum. Let’s see if we can find pencils that are for you.” Try it out!