Comments on: When Children Prefer One Parent

By: Angela

Angela — Wed, 17 Apr 2024 11:19:11 +0000

We’ve been following this advice since our now 4 year old was 2; thinking it was just a passing phase like many others. We try empathy, holding boundaries and humour to try and ensure Dad does things for our 4 year old too, but after 2 years of this ongoing rejection of Dad it’s really starting to wear us both down. My husband always stays calm and doesn’t let our son know he is upset or annoyed by the constant rejection.
My husband works full time and I am the primary caregiver, but he comes home early most days to play with our son, and every Saturday they have 1 on 1 time either swimming or playing soccer together and then a lunch date. He is much more accepting of my husband when I’m simply not in the house, but this isn’t a daily or long term solution. Is there anything else we’re missing/ could be doing? Getting very worn down…..

By: Lindsay R.

Lindsay R. — Mon, 18 Sep 2023 01:00:47 +0000

This article was so helpful and couldn’t have come at a better time! My question would be if my child is having a meltdown because I’m not putting her to bed, is the expectation that my husband would sit with and support her through that meltdown until she is calm enough to be put to bed? Or move through the routine and putting her in bed while still upset? I understand we should hold the boundary of him putting her to bed, but what does that end up looking like? Any feedback would be greatly appreciated!

By: Tim

Tim — Wed, 03 May 2023 22:13:49 +0000

The general principles make sense to me, but where I get confused is how to draw the line on which battles to pick. Our three old twins have a clear preference for mum when it comes to be carried, bathed etc. It’s clear when mum can’t do something or it’s inconvenient, then we stick with dad. What about small silly things like putting cereal in the bowl? My wife doesn’t mind doing it, it takes a second. But should we put a boundary there anyway and avoid following those (many) little preferences.

By: Anna

Anna — Sun, 05 Mar 2023 10:46:22 +0000

Hi from New Zealand.
Thanks for your article, and blog .

My family is experiencing a bit of this preference at the moment. Wanting mum over dad.
It is especially noticeable for toileting.
– almost ‘completed’ day toilet learning now. But she doesn’t want to use the toilet with dad. With some preferences we of course say that “I’m helping you this time” etc. I know toileting is a tricky topic, as you don’t want to put any pressure on them to go when not ready etc. So would forcing dad to take her be an issue in this instance, and therefore best to just choose battles as they say. Would love to hear your thoughts.

By: CJ

CJ — Fri, 03 Mar 2023 09:21:14 +0000

In reply to Smar. I love this idea!

By: Bridget

Bridget — Mon, 09 May 2022 04:20:08 +0000

Hi Janet!

I would be very grateful if you had the time to respond to me! Your work has been life changing and truly guides my parenting perspective. My 2.5 year old son has been very attached to me and it is exhausting! I am expecting my second son in four months, therefore I understand why he is very attached. I am trying to set limits and have my “rejected” partner participate more in his care. My issue is that he gets so upset that he gags and vomits. He has a very low threshold when it comes to scream crying and then choking and gagging. Fore example: it is Mother’s Day today and my husband tried to take on the bedtime routine. My son overheard me upstairs and immediately ran into my room. From this moment on, we tried to set clear limits by removing myself from the room. He became so upset that within a few minutes he started gagging. Around 5 minutes later he started vomiting. At that point I became really worried he would choke and he was still alarmingly hysterical. I intervened to try and calm him so that he would stop choking and gagging.
Was this the right thing to do? I understand the value of allowing my son to get his feelings out by crying. I do not understand how to safely offer this emotional expression when he starts to vomit. Any advice would be would very appreciated!

By: Ruth

Ruth — Wed, 16 Feb 2022 13:31:36 +0000

In reply to Chloe.

My 6year daughter, whome I co-parent has been refusing her dad since she was 2.
We have coerced, persuaded and forced her to go to him from 2 to 4 years of age. Last two have been difficult (we may have traumatised her fir making her feel forced). Last few months she’s been voting with her feet and spending 4 to 6 days a week with me. My ex her father is insisting on the original 50/50 arrangement but this has never worked well and has now completely broken down. I would still love to see her go stay with her dad and his present family setup ( new boyfriend, older sister) but she tells me of conflict their.

Her dad will pick her up from school today and stay two days. She is against this but I feel I need to let them try and build on their relationship. I am hesitant as I have also recently received verbal abuse and threats from his partner. I am aware of the emotional inconsistentency she receives in the other household but at same I want them to have a relation. Am I expecting too much from my daughter and her father?

By: janet

janet — Mon, 31 Jan 2022 21:57:24 +0000

In reply to Nicole Adams. Sounds fine if this is working for you.

By: Nicole Adams

Nicole Adams — Mon, 31 Jan 2022 13:15:27 +0000

Lately my 3.5 year old daughter really prefers her Dad when she is upset, just in general. He is at around as often, he is at work during the week. To me it makes sense that she’d want him more when he is around.

My husband and I normally switch off nights for bedtime but she often asks for him to do it when he is here for bedtime, and he feels fine doing the bedtime routine so we say ok. If he is available to care for her / do bath & bedtime for her at the time I figure this isn’t a boundary I need to stick with, I’m fine with her wanting him more.

Should I instead be sticking around and letting her get her feelings out instead of letting her Dad take over bedtime?

By: IKIK

IKIK — Sun, 17 Oct 2021 16:34:29 +0000

How far do we go in being firm and holding the boundary? Our 2 year old will vomit from crying and being upset and it will often last for 30-60 minutes, especially when tired and around bedtime. This makes it very hard to persist and not comfort him as a preferred parent. Should we not? Where is the line where we say ok, this issue seems to be bigger than we thought and have to reassess?