A question- I’m a bit confused about how it isn’t letting them disagree when my 4 year old wants me to play and I say, “I need to make dinner, I can’t play with you right now. Daddy can play with you, and we can play after dinner.” He’ll push to say he wants to play with me, and I’ll tell him I need to make dinner, “I’m sorry, I can’t play right now, but we can play after dinner.” The way I think of it intuitively, he’s not getting what he wants, and I am holding firm because it’s not a moment I can compromise (I do like to try to say “yes” if I can to give him a sense of agency), but I’m letting him know I will be available to him later, which i wouldn’t offer if it weren’t true. But I think after reading this article, it’s not letting him disagree?

Another situation that I’m reconsidering after reading this, but want help understanding why: the other day my 2 year old REALLY wanted a cookie. I said no. He started bawling and trying to open the pantry. I said, “You really want that cookie. It’s so hard because mommy is saying no. I understand, it IS hard when you can’t get what you want. Are you feeling frustrated? Yes, it is frustrating. I know. But we are not having a cookie for snack. It’s hard when mommy says no, right? I know, it is hard.” Then after a moment, he said “better!” then ran back to eat the bowl of banana slices I had made for him. I felt really proud of how being validating while holding firm helped him. But now I wonder – was I not letting him disagree?

Thanks so much for any additional insight. I really want to get this right and trust your perspective.

It almost feels as if you are talking about my five year old. Every single word resonated with me. While I am struggling as much as you are, just wanted to know that you are not alone.

Yes, this is absolutely me when it comes to play. I absolutely hate having to use physical force to get my 2.5 years ild to get dressed or change diaper. What wirked in terms of diaper was to give him the choice of walking to the changing table or me carrying him there. A couple of times he sid no and no so I carried him while he was screaming his lungs out. Now he walks without a problem. But thre are so many times when i give too many options, i explain, I negotiate and I game around (as some other mother mentioned) we call the mouse police to brush the teeth. I feel incredibly stressed during a meltdown and like a total failure.

I love that, Sarah. Thank you for sharing.

I don’t know if it’s what Janet would say but I can share what I do in these situations First I try to allow extra time to get ready, not always possible I know, but it helps if you can build it in. I avoid giving a lot of options. If we change diapers and clothes in the bedroom then that’s where it is going to happen most of the time. If I give her a choice about clothes or ask if she wants to put on her shirt or pants first and she says she doesn’t want to at all I will tell her that I will help her decide. I will choose and sometimes have to dress her without her cooperation. She may be yelling and kicking. I dress her then acknowledge, “You’re mad because I made you get dressed. We need to keep moving to get to school on time.” Usually she will accept this and move on. Hope this helps!

Hi Maria – yes I would do something similar wtih a 6 year old. Here’s a podcast that I think will help you: https://soundcloud.com/janet-lansbury/kids-saying-no-to-boundaries-screaming