Comments on: Confessions of a Pushover Parent (And How I Turned This Around)

By: Kendall

Kendall — Thu, 19 May 2022 20:57:38 +0000

I was flipping through your posts after a bad tiff with my toddler and almost started to cry with relief reading this! This is my daughter to the T.
I was a fiery kid and my mom didn’t encourage that, so when my girl started showing her opinions I wanted to foster them. Except now I feel like I’ve given into her too much. I try to give her as many of her own choices as I can, but now she’s used to doing everything her way and when I try to decide for her or do anything for her it’s a backlash fight. Sometimes we’re in a rush and I’m trying to get her ready, and that never goes well. I’ve never been good with boundaries, and Im terrified I have not been giving her enough. Im a stay at home mom, with only one child right now, so she gets my full attention and anything she needs. I don’t let her run wild, I was a preschool teacher before this so I do have some training, but Im finding setting boundaries 24/7 so much harder than anything I’ve ever done before. I might need some help!

By: Kirstie

Kirstie — Thu, 20 Aug 2020 17:10:16 +0000

Hi Janet, great article. I too have a strong-willed, spirited 3.5yo daughter who wears her emotions on her sleeve and is not one to suffer in silence when displeased with something. She has intense emotions, which escalate quickly. Your articles have helped me realise the life transitions that likely trigger her emotions (Daddy goingback to work after 8 months off, 4.5mo baby brother etc) which help me let her emotions be hers and that she needs to vent. Although constant whining does eventually get under my skin.
Your articles have really helped me with communication, although she’s intuitive enough to know if I’m responding in a genuine way to her or if I’m distracted and just ‘going through the motions’ with responses. She’ll pull me up immediately ‘stop saying it like that’
I’m a naturally easy going (even permissive) person and where I struggle is with boundary setting and recognising what appropriate boundaries should be. I’ve realised going to other peoples houses they have a lot more rules around many things that I don’t have (e.g with being loud ‘inside voices’, or what items can be played with in certain ways).
I’m ok with limits/ boundaries when it’s obvious safety-wise. (E.g. being buckled into a car seat, holding hands in a car park, strict rules around playing with the dogs or how she can cuddle her little brother, helmet must be worn whilst riding her scooter). Bedtime routine has some strong boundaries as we found we needed it to. Other than that, I’ve struggled to recognise what are age-appropriate boundaries/ rules that should be enforced. It clearly doesn’t come naturally to me and I don’t really know where to find out that information. Do you have any articles on healthy boundaries and why you have them?

By: Amanda

Amanda — Thu, 20 Aug 2020 12:20:24 +0000

Hello! Thank you so much for the work you do! You are helping SO many push over parents (myself included) and their kiddos to be so much happier and healthier. One question I have is are there certain boundaries that should always be a certain way for the child’s health. In particular, you mentioned sitting to eat. In our home, we haven’t enforced this (though it is a rule we enforce at Grandma’s house) in big part because my husband and I don’t want to follow this rule ourselves. We like to eat in the dining room, in the living room, in bed, wherever…. Is this not good for our kids? My daughter does fairly well with this boundary at Grandma’s house, with occasional protests, but I feel confident acknowledging the feelings, reminding that the rules are different at Grandma’s, and holding that boundary there. Just curious if you think that’s a boundary that should be held at home as well? Thanks again for all you do!

By: Amanda

Amanda — Sat, 28 Mar 2020 11:50:34 +0000

Hi Janet

Wow amazing to read. I wondered if after reading this I’m making things worse for my hsc 9 year old who had a panic attack at school due to the place being over stimulating and kids being mean on a daily basis. She then refused to sleep in her bedroom in her own bed as she said she was scared. I’ve been sleeping in the bottom bunk for a year. She’s now sleeping through the night in her bed but anxious if I suggest I sleep in my bed.
I was so keen for her to get rest after everything that happened but now a bit stuck. What do you suggest

Many thanks.
Amanda

By: Alia

Alia — Sun, 02 Feb 2020 08:08:49 +0000

In reply to janet.

Thanks Janet, that post gives me a sense of what I can try (as well as your replies to commenters there a few of whom had specific examples similar to my experiences). I tried a few times today to just confidently say what we are doing next, e.g., “Now I’m putting you into the car and we’ll go to the grocery store” (he was hoping we’d get his stroller out for a walk) and then lifting him into his car seat immediately while changing the subject “What kind of fruit do you think they’ll have in the kids’ fruit basket today?” so there was less room for argument and squirming to avoid being buckled in. There was no struggle to get him in the car seat! From practicing the strategies you suggest in these posts today, I noticed that one thing I tend to do a lot normally which may be counterproductive is talking too much, justifying what I think we should do, explaining, cajoling… I’m going to try saying less with more confidence and giving it time to sink in rather than overwhelming him with choice or reasons. Thanks! Looking forward to reading more of your blog.

By: janet

janet — Sat, 01 Feb 2020 16:32:46 +0000

In reply to Alia.

Hi Alia – It’s tough to give you a short answer for this because I would want to know more details about how you are handling these situations, but I think this post might be helpful: https://www.janetlansbury.com/2016/07/confident-momentum-how-to-stop-battling-your-toddlers-resistance-and-defiance/

By: Alia

Alia — Sat, 01 Feb 2020 08:51:37 +0000

I am trying to follow this advice with my 2-year-old. I am a people pleaser, anxious about others’ feelings, and have always been permissive even as a babysitter. I want to provide respectful discipline as a parent and have been doing an ok job practicing acknowledgement and acceptance of his feelings (though still have a long way to go with not waffling, and consistent follow-through)… but what if your child just refuses to put on pants and you are trying to get him dressed to go out for a planned outing? Do I just try to act calm while trying to force pants onto a kicking screaming, and quite strong toddler? If he doesn’t want to leave the park, do I speak and act with confidence and make my boundaries clear, then hold him down in the stroller to buckle him in? Basically I am willing to try anything but am unclear on the use of physical force in these kinds of situations to make boundaries and decisions clear. Specifically situations where he does not want to do something that I want him to do.

By: Amy P

Amy P — Sat, 18 Jan 2020 09:03:56 +0000

In reply to janet.

Hi Janet, thanks for all the great articles and resources. I am learning so much.

Unfortunately I have found your approach late in the day with my 11yo. He still relies on me (or screens) a lot to entertain him, and when he doesn’t get this he reverts to what I’ve realised is an anxiety response – as described in your podcast: https://www.janetlansbury.com/2019/07/your-childs-erratic-disruptive-behavior/ (but he’s still doing this at 11!) Do you have any resources or plans to write about how to help older children become less reliant on passive entertainment? I would be happy to share what we have tried and what has been successful etc so far.

By: Tiffany

Tiffany — Tue, 12 Nov 2019 22:51:24 +0000

My 3 year old does not eat very much and weighs 26lbs. I’m always worried about her weight and getting more food in her. We don’t have a boundary around her sitting down for meals. I wonder if this would help her consume more?

What did you do to keep your child and her friends seated for meal time?

By: Esha

Esha — Fri, 16 Aug 2019 20:56:15 +0000

Another good post! Great tips:-)Thanks so much Janet