Hi! It needs to be okay for him to follow you around and do whatever he does. This is part of his process — checking to see if you are comfortable with these boundaries, so that he can eventually let go and begin to enjoy occupying himself with self-directed activities. Our job is to say what WE will do, but not to dictate what our child does during that time. If his behavior gnaws at you in any way, he might continue to get stuck there, testing. So, I would let this be and carry on with confidence, so that he can free himself of this dependence on you.

I have been a RIE parent since my son ( now 32 months old) has been around 6 months. Everything about RIE resonates so much. I am absolutely in love with the knowledge you share on this channel. It has helped me immensely. However I struggle with my sons independent play. And I am unable to figure out what I could be doing wrong

My son constantly tries to involve me mostly through constant questioning about everything when he plays. I will be sitting next to him, giving him my full attention but I struggle to be in a passive mode when he is constantly asking me questions about his toy or play. He would continuously ask me questions like “what is this colour” or what is this? Pointing to a wheel on a car(even though he knows all the answers) It is like he wants me to get involved and is not content with my passive attention. I have never been involved in his play and always only watched him in a passive mode so I don’t understand what could have led to this. I feel bothered and disappointed that he is unable to get lost in his play and is constantly trying to involve me. I know I could be missing something but I don’t know what. I have gone back and forth through all your podcasts and articles on play but I still can’t figure out the problem. Also while he is great at imaginative play, he does not enjoy exploring blocks or puzzles and loses interest pretty early.
P.S . His play area has large windows from where he can see lots of activity outside on the roads. He does get distracted by that a lot of times when I am not with him. Do you think this is a distraction for him?
Your response will be so greatly appreciated

Hi Bethany – I’m so sorry that this advice did harm to your child! Can you describe what you did and the harm that resulted? I would love to understand what happened.

Some nuero-diverse children don’t know how to play by themselves and need parent lead modeling- language suppport- involvement in their play.

I am coming to your books and blog later than I would have liked (eldest now 6) and I now recognise how my own feelings and behavior have led me to inadvertently inhibit independent play, especially in my firstborn – so I’m glad you say it’s never too late! I agree that as you say in the above comment there is no set amount of time you can recommend for connection. However, I wonder whether you (or any other posters) could recommend how individual parents might judge how much time they should be spending attentively with a child? In other words, how you might identify when a child NEEDS more of this, as opposed to WANTS more of it?

We are trying to help our two children, especially the eldest, play more independently, using the techniques you recommend. As expected, when we firmly set a boundary that we will not play with her at a given time, she cries/has a tantrum. However, we have now been doing this for some time: in fact, we started when she was still in preschool about a year ago; her teachers there had noticed that she struggled with not having constant adult attention and worked on this with her during the day (it’s a Montessori preschool so they are very pro-independence). While she has improved, and is now capable of focusing on lego or drawing etc for long periods, she still tantrums, a lot, when we ask her to play by herself for a certain time.
I initially assumed that her tantrums about this were the ‘hard bit’ in the above article, and would fade over time as the child learns (a) that no means no, and (b) how to play independently. However, tantrums are still happening a lot. It could be that we have not been firm / clear / unambiguous enough in setting these limits, so that she hasn’t been able to grasp them. However I am now wondering whether it’s also (a) her personality (she is a complete extrovert, talking constantly, and is very social; one of the most stubborn and persistent people I have ever met; is often overcome with frustration (at herself or others, i.e. tantrum) when her plans don’t work out) or (b) that we are not spending enough attentive time with her, so she is still seeking more of this, despite now knowing how to play independently.

I am concerned about the last possibility: with work, children, eldercare, household stuff, and little to no family support, we are at the limits of what we can fit into each day. This is why we got into this mess – we were very intensive with the girls when we were with them, as we were away from them such a lot. However, my husband says that while our eldest may want more time with me, she doesn’t need it. Any suggestions as to how we can tell whether he’s right?