Comments on: When Children Lie

By: Kylie

Kylie — Fri, 24 Mar 2023 05:24:12 +0000

Our 4.5 year old will often blame ‘the boring ghost’ for breaking or spilling things… I respond by going along non- judgementally’ we’ll let’s see if the boring ghost can try and be more careful next time/ help clean it up/ not climb on the rickety ladder…’

What I find interesting is how we have never been upset or angry if she does break something-
I truly feel there’s been no judgment there, no shaming – however subtle – just my usual gentle guidance-
– but still she feels the need for this little story to come out…
I’m more curious than concerned- that she is experimenting with ‘lying’ even when I think it’s completely safe to be honest…

By: Alicia

Alicia — Sun, 27 Mar 2022 18:22:17 +0000

It’s always strange to see kids starting to lie at some point. But they pick everything, the good and the bad, from us and from their surrounding. Even if we try to set the best possible example we can, we can’t protect them from the environment. What we can do is we can teach them how to be honest. Janet, if you ever want to read my book, just let me know and I’ll be happy to send it to you: https://aliciaortego.com/honesty-is-my-superpower/

Alicia

By: Ray

Ray — Fri, 10 Sep 2021 19:56:31 +0000

In reply to janet. Thank you for the reply, Janet.

By: Christianna

Christianna — Sat, 04 Sep 2021 10:24:53 +0000

What about when they lie due to abuse? Or when they have been groomed? When it not to do with you but anothers brainwashing?
What about in those cases?

By: janet

janet — Fri, 03 Sep 2021 23:10:13 +0000

In reply to Ray.

Thanks for your question and interest, Ray. I don’t see “I’m not comfortable” as the parent suggesting that her child is responsible for the parent’s feelings. A parent’s discomfort with not getting the truth could be the honest, logical consequence of being lied to about experiences at another child’s house. Why is my child telling me false stories about her activities? Assuming that I do have open communication with my child, I would wonder… Could it be that the other child is saying “don’t tell your mother?” Telling my child to lie to me? Personally, I wouldn’t trust that situation.

Once one of my daughter’s friend’s mothers told me lies about events at her house that my daughter (5, at the time) had participated in. Trivial, silly things. One was that they ate strawberries for a snack when my daughter later told me they ate candy. I was not strict about those things at all and wouldn’t have cared in the least! But how weird that a parent would lie to me! And if she lied about these small silly things, what else might she lie about? What if something serious happened? Would I hear the truth? I no longer trusted this mother and would not let my daughter go there again until she was much older. Her friend came to play at our house instead.

By: Ray

Ray — Fri, 03 Sep 2021 21:30:20 +0000

Thank you for the post. In your example (Juliet’s house) you end with telling the child “I’m just not comfortable.” It seems like sharing with our children is a great way to model behavior and actions we’d like them to mimic. In this instance, I’m wondering if the child is somehow given the unenviable task of regulating our comfort level. Or feeling responsible for it. We value open lines of communication. And honesty. But I’m not sure my kids are responsible for my comfort level and it would be strange for them to factor it into their decision-making. Can I bother you for a little more perspective on this? I’m genuinely interested.

By: Lynn

Lynn — Sun, 24 May 2020 21:31:07 +0000

How would you deal with a lie so they get out of doing something they don’t want to do? My (only just) 4 year old frequently tells me he’s washed his hands after going to the toilet when it’s blatantly obvious he hasn’t. Even if I respond lightly and jokingly to try and get him to come with me and actually do it then it usually ends in a screaming fit for him. I obviously can’t let him not wash his hands but I don’t know how to go about getting him to comply in a way that doesn’t involve a meltdown. I should add that sometimes he washes his hands perfectly happily so he doesn’t have an issue with doing it per se. And he likes going to the toilet alone so I can’t even go with him and remind him when he’s finished. Thanks!

By: Sandy

Sandy — Mon, 30 Sep 2019 19:52:49 +0000

In reply to janet. Great, thank you for answering!

By: janet

janet — Sun, 29 Sep 2019 22:16:53 +0000

In reply to Sandy.

Hi Sandy – I wouldn’t go along with the lies. I would be more interested in what my child thought about it. So, if my son said that his friend invented the fastest plane in the world, I might ask, “Ah, wow, that would be amazing if someone only 5 years old did that, don’t you think? I would imagine everyone would be talking about it, it would be in the newspapers or on TV.” Then leaving space for my son to think whatever he thinks. In other words, I would be responsive, not directive, and I wouldn’t lie, myself. Mostly I would breathe and trust my child to figure this out with my support and responsiveness.

By: Sandy

Sandy — Sun, 29 Sep 2019 19:55:53 +0000

Please can I ask something about this?? My son is five and his best friend (same age) often tells lies to him. He tells stories that are obviously not true, mostly about himself doing something heroic, or being the best in something, or that he invented something very “cool” like the fastest plane in the world etc. My son really believes this friend’s stories, and he comes to talk to me about it but I don’t know how to respond to it. I find it a bit silly to go along with the lie, so till now I have just told him something mild like that that’s a great story his friend told him, but that it is invented and not reality. My son then still doesn’t believe me, but anyway. First of all I don’t know if I’m responding correctly. And second, this does happen a lot, and my son is so much in awe with these stories I’m a little afraid that this might go too far and worried that this friend might persuade my son into doing something dangerous/not allowed since he can be very convincing and my son believes so much that everything he says is true.