Comments on: Easing Our Children’s Transition to School

By: Anna

Anna — Tue, 14 Sep 2021 16:39:37 +0000

In reply to Cristina. Yes, my son just started kindergarten happily, last year he wouldn’t even leave me at the playground. This summer he seemed so “kindergarten-ready”, leaving me behind and making new friends. I’m so happy we waited a year to start and didn’t force him last year. (He is four now)

By: Jade Henley

Jade Henley — Thu, 02 Sep 2021 15:12:41 +0000

Hi. My daughter has been struggling with the separation as well, this was really helpful to hear. My question is about potty regressions during these huge changes and how to deal with them? Thank you.

By: Gabi

Gabi — Mon, 30 Aug 2021 22:10:00 +0000

In reply to Elaine K Gruenke. Thank you. This makes me feel human and authentic. I'm not the only one having a hard time seeing my child crying and asking me not to go. I am ok with my decision and I have accepted her feelings and let her cry them out. But it doesn't mean that she is suddenly fine, oh my mom is ok so I am ok. No, she cryes even in her third year of kindergarden and it hurts my soul to see her like that and not beeing able to be there for her. And it feels really inhuman to lift her arms off me and wave goodbye. Of course she is ok after, but it doesn't mean she is happy and accepted the situation. She just doesn't have other choice and in the end mommy is the one who left her there and for a while mommy is not there. She has all the reasons to cry and I have all the reasons to be sad that she is sad and of course that I let this feeling get to her. It's a circle and I can't pretend that everything is ok.

By: Amy

Amy — Fri, 20 Nov 2020 21:02:49 +0000

Thank you Janet for yet another extremely helpful article. My son (3yrs) has just started nursery and has been expressing to his teachers during the session the desire to go home. Drop offs have been fine so far (week 3) but I knew a meltdown at the gate was on the cards. I am so confident that he is ready for nursery and once settled will thrive but of course this is uncharted territory for him especially after pandemic lockdowns and no toddler groups he was used to. So when the meltdown came this morning, I had already read this article in preparation and it gave me the confidence to tell him gently but firmly that I knew it was hard for him but it was time for nursery and I’d see him at home time. Handing him screaming to his teacher I told him I loved him and walked away. He stopped crying almost immediately. The teacher phoned to say he had settled no problem. And on pick up they said he had no crying during the session and was a whole new boy. It is a lovely nursery with very lovely teachers so I am confident they will nurture him well in our absence. Thank you for giving me the strength and wisdom to make the painful handover less painful than it may have been without your advice. I’d have been lingering and trying to settle and comfort him making the whole thing pull at his heart strings (and mine) even more. He was a little quiet with me at first but then went on to tell me all about his day, including that he’d felt sad which I acknowledged and also the fun things he’d done. We went on to have a very enjoyable afternoon and evening without any lingering upset. Thank you without end for the work you do, it is invaluable.

By: Elaine K Gruenke

Elaine K Gruenke — Sat, 06 Oct 2018 08:04:27 +0000

This answer really falls short for me. I appreciate your wisdom on so many topics, and generally feel RIE is an excellent approach to parenting. However, to me this answer lacks profundity, love, and basic science in terms of the neurochemical changes a child goes through when separated from his or her parents. It’s all too simple to create a formulaic drop off script, and then blame the parent for revealing some of their own (probably unavoidable and definitely authentic) inner anxiety as the reason the child is having difficulty. My son is just over two and into his second month of daycare (a few mornings a week). He tells me that he likes the caregiver, likes the other kids, but doesn’t want to go back to school, and then says “miss mama.” He has done a brilliant job of accepting the new caregiver and classmates, but is struggling with the loss of one he loves, even though it’s just a few hours. There is nothing more profound and difficult any of us will experience than the loss of a loved one, and this is his first time feeling those feelings (even though it’s just a few hours, the feelings are real). Mothers, parents, feel this deep and profound love for their children too, especially at a time of separation or when they see their loved ones having difficulty. Most, if not every parent will try to be brave and set an example of courage for their children (see the stories we’ve heard of the migrant parents separated from their children at the US border, and the incredibly brave and moving few words they often said to their kids if they had a chance…). It is ridiculous and a little inhuman to expect a parent to be a flawless wall or organized feeling in the face of this very real and challenging situation for both parent and child.

By: Tracy N.

Tracy N. — Tue, 07 Aug 2018 22:07:20 +0000

Thank you for this article. It is very helpful as my son is starting Kindergarten next week. I have general and social anxiety and I really want to give him a confident and positive goodbye on his first day but I am afraid I will cry or get panicky. Thank you for giving us phrases we can use in these situations so our child can trust that the separation while they are at school is a good thing.

By: papercheap

papercheap — Thu, 12 Jul 2018 14:52:35 +0000

Thank you for this useful article! Soon my oldest son will go to school, and I think that he can begin to cry when I go with him to school, because he is very much used to spending time with me. My wife and I have long thought about how this will all go, but luckily I came across your article. Now I’m sure that everything will go smoothly and he will be well set for studying at school. After all, for a child it is very important to concentrate on classes and get as much useful information as possible in the school. Thank you very much for sharing this interesting, important and useful article!

By: Cristina

Cristina — Mon, 30 Apr 2018 15:20:35 +0000

The more I read on your website the more I question the validity of the RIE philosophy. I went through the experience of separation and age does make a difference, a striking one. When the mother has the doubt, it means that the child is not ready. It is not because the mother is not ready herself but she knows her child so well that she cannot pretend otherwise. The idea of RIE as presented here is like “as far as independent play is concerned, the child should be trusted to know what is best to her. When it comes to more serious matters the child has to led by adult decisions. “