Big fan and all about the 3 Cs. The trouble I’m having with my (big!) 3 1/2 year old right now is this: I am pregnant and can no longer just lift my son into his carseat /carry my son out a store. What do you recommend for when you cannot physically enforce the boundary?

My 2 year old similarly hits and bites out of some kind of impulse that doesn’t seem to come from anger. But when she repeatedly HURTS my body I cannot help feeling triggered. I’m only human. I’ve learned to step back, breathe or even leave the room until I’m more regulated- but I think it comes off as very dramatic and so the hitting cycle continues. Sometimes I just can’t help but yell in pain when she yanks my hair suddenly-a reaction she is undoubtedly looking to replicate. How do I project calm when I FEEL angry, in pain and/or disregulated.

I always found with my 4/5 year old it worked best if she didn’t do as I’d asked calmly after maybe two or three times that there was a consequence but not a punishment or reaction. For the toothbrush situation I’d say please don’t do that – it’s important to look after your teeth and if you don’t clean your teeth properly there won’t be any sweets tomorrow. Then tomorrow when she asked for sweets I’d say – no I’m sorry but you ate the toothpaste and didn’t brush your teeth properly. I don’t want you to get poorly teeth so I can’t give you sweets. Me remembering the event and there being a calm and loving consequence seemed to work best. Worked when she was 17 and refused to tidy her papers from the dining room – after weeks of stand off I realized that i could still offer a consequence – I’ve asked you repeatedly to tidy your papers – you can’t borrow my car until you do – it took 2 days

That’s permissive parenting. Janet’s method is authoritative parenting, very different.

Your method is authoritarian parenting.

Absolutely! Beyond tired will bring out very difficult behaviors

Jennifer, this response resonates with me so much! I was raised by stern parents and all it did was push me away. I became a pro-manipulater and just hid things from my parents but I desperately needed and wanted connection.

It took a long time and a lot of undesirable, emotionally-fuelled behaviour before I got to a more stable place. In the same way, my eldest is unruly and strong-willed and I can feel that sometimes people think this is a failing on my part. They mistake having empathy for not being intentional with my parenting or letting my child do what they want. What they don’t realise is, I was her! I know what didn’t work! I also know, in those moments where I lose my cool, or lose confidence in my parenting style and decide I need to threaten or be more stern, my daughter reacts by becoming more dysregulated and even more keen to see what buttons she can push. Scaring children into submission is not the answer if you hope to have a connected and trusted relationship with them.

It really is hard if this is the way you were parented yourself. Genetics probably also play a part as I am also a “firecracker,” as you put it, and so was my Dad. I don’t always get it right, but I am very secure in the idea that respectful parenting is what I aspire to. Thank you for your very reasoned response.

If it’s something that needs to be done (cleaning their room, brushing their teeth, screaming in public, getting dressed to leave the house… if you aren’t stern, how else do you get them to do it in the moment? It escalates quickly when you are on a time schedule.
So I understand what you’re saying here, but there isn’t really an application or solution for highly intense moments such as those.

Thank you so much

I always think back to watching little house on the prairie and when one of the very respectful kids did something wrong the dad calmly said there must be a punishment and did it but without anger, yelling or being stern . It always stuck in my head how he was doing it out of love and a desire to raise kids who knew there were consequences for breaking rules.

Thanks for the post @Janet and thanks for this reply.
My spouse often feel stern is the right way just like other replies we are products of stern parenting and that’s what is naturally ingrained. It’s too much hardword to break out of that cycle. It requires so much conscious effort to treat our 4 year old in a respectful way like how its stated in the article that it feels tiring sometimes when we dont have that support from.the spouse for this method. Please help me for this particular behaviour. Our 4 year old reacts by destroying what’s in hand when there is a negative response to her needs. For example when brushing her teeth she wants lot of paste and when we give her the right amount of paste(tooth size) she squished the paste with her fingers or swallows the paste in defiance. I keep repeating it is unsafe what she just did and say she can stop brushing if she continues. There are many days I feel I have lost it totally by yelling to stop her from doing it. Or sometimes bysnatching away the brush and letting her out of the bathroom stopping the whole brushing. This response from me has always ended up in her angry tears and me feeling confused if what I did was right or not. I really need help to handle a child who is destroying when stopped. I can give you many examples in our house. Sometimes I wonder if we need professional help with this angry and negative response from the child. What kind of effort is required for parents coming from very stren parenting background? My spouse is from such a household that even as an adult is still subjected to sterness from his parents. It’s difficult already for me to handle a child who is constantly defiant. And to constantly also lecture to my spouse that my methods are good is causing me to be tired and leaving me confused all the time. Please help!!