I try to do this with my daughter. It’s getting harder as we have a newborn and I can’t always put him down ‘safely’ away from her hitting or throwing things at us.

I’m not sure what to do when baby’s in my arms ..

Suggestions?

Hi Rose – That sounds challenging. Reasoning with children of any age (or even adults) seldom helps when they are in a dysregulated state, and can make matters worse. Have you had your son assessed by an OT or other professional? I would consider that he does need a way to express this anger. Screaming and shouting can be healthy ways for a child to do that. Can you keep him and others safe while allowing him to scream and shout.

Please can you advise what to do if the out of control anger behaviour has not gone away with age – my son is now 8 and very solid. When he gets angry he can be physical – like barging, kicking – to me or to whomever he’s having the altercation with, and cannot be reasoned with. Each time this happens we tell him at the time and later that hitting/ out of control anger/ screaming/shouting is not acceptable – that we need to talk calmly and not be physical. I can’t pick him up to remove him as he has gotten too big.

Dee, I hear you loud and clear. It is so tough when you have to fight your way through every day.
My son was a shocker for not wanting to do what needed to be done, even when it was something HE wanted to do. The tantrums were truly spectacular and, if “Throwing a wobbly” was considered a qualification he would have aced all the exams!!
It was worse if I was tired or hungry or hadn’t left myself enough time to accommodate the “hostage situation” that ensued.
I have spent many years beating myself up emotionally for losing it and it has taken a lot of time and energy to realise I did what I did with the skills I had at the time.
As parents and teachers, we can see the sense in all of these wonderful ideas and heart-felt parenting tips and they are great. BUT we are not going to get it right every time. All we can humanly do is our best.
We can also only be responsible for ourselves. I believe children learn to take responsiblity for their behaviours over time, but in the meantime, we must not blame ourselves for what they do.
Do all you can to give yourself and your child enough time for what you know is likely to happen.
Give yourself permission to ride it out and let things go their natural course. Face each day with the thought that it will be better than yesterday.
Take note of what was good, what worked and what was positive, leaving the negative behind.
Make routines – After church every Sunday sit down and have hot chocolate together as a family, etc.
Talk about the great things you see in your child when he can hear you. “He helped us to get to church on time this week, it was great”
Keep reminding yourself you are a good parent.
xx

I have a 3 year old and 6 month old. And the past couple of weeks have been super tough. My son is hitting more and started throwing toys around the house. Just yesterday he threw his toys up in the air and started laughing and ran away from me so I can’t stop him from throwing toys. Eventually when I did get a hold of him I told him I won’t let him throw things and he started yelling “let me go.” I then got up and gathered his toys and moved it into the garage so he can’t access it.

Should I be removing the toys that he’s throwing? And I notice that he’s laughing or smiling and when my husband and I stop him for hitting or throwing.

Thank you

My 10 year old rages against his sister constantly. If she is in the room, he is watching her. Listening to her. Fuming over every little thing she says or does. If she coughs, he yells SHUT UP! If she smiles, he yells, GET OUT! He calls her hurtful names (she’s overweight. I impressed upon him how important it was to stop calling her fat. So now he has recently started calling her a “swollen butt-monster” instead.) He hits, pinches, kicks, and throws stuff at her. Always with restraint. Never quite enough to really really hurt. But it’s constant.

It’s so bad at home right now.

She is not blameless. She knows that she has the power to get her brother upset. So when she notices she is bothering him, she really leans into it. Obviously she wants his attention and will take whatever she can get. I wish she would just steer clear of him, but she constantly puts herself in a position to poke at him (physically or verbally).

But he is so angry. So anxious. And so depressed. After he has calmed down, he will often start crying about feeling so guilty. He doesn’t want to do treat his sister this way. But he can’t stop.

My husband and I are so upset that we are no longer gentle. We are not holding it together. When he starts hitting, pushing, kicking, or verbally attacking her, we will often lash out, yelling at him “knock it off! Stop it! Be quiet! Be DONE with this NOW! and even GET OUT OF THIS HOUSE or GO TO YOUR ROOM AND TAKE SOME DEEP BREATHS!” (which is ridiculous. obviously yelling at him to go take some calming breaths is laughable).

We try to get them to say kind things about each other. We try to encourage them to do things together that they enjoy–to try to get them to connect and see each other as human. But it always ends with him attacking her. I feel an urgency to keep her safe. I worry that his constant hurtful words– (You are an EVIL Butt Monster! You are a swollen butt. You are squishing everything you sit on with your big stinky swollen body!)–I’m afraid it will permanently injure her psyche.

We’ve started therapy with our son for his anxiety and depression. It’s going well for him–but slow. But my husband and I are not doing well. (our marriage is fine, but we are not parenting successfully right now and are both depressed).

Any advice? One of your books that you might point us to? I am in tears almost every day, feeling like a failure. I’m so sad that my children are so amazingly rude to each other. I’m embarrassed that they are so out of control. I feel trapped. I can’t get a babysitter–I wouldn’t dare. We have to limit our time with extended family because we get such awful advice (last night my in-laws told us we need to be hitting our children. That just talking obviously doesn’t work and we are ruining them by not hitting them). And we have a sweet 2 1/2 year old daughter who is learning negative behaviors by watching her brother and sister fight constantly.

I’m so lost and so sad and so discouraged. How do I get peace back into my parenting?

This is an excellent point! I struggled with anger management myself in my late-teens, early-twenties, until I read a very helpful book (Prescription for Anger, I believe) that explained this concept to me. It was life-changing.

I think she means that you are say trying o get out the door to go to church…and your 5 yr old is stanading at the door screaming because he wants hot chocolate like daddy has and he doesn’t want to share daddy’s because it is to hot…and it Is freezing outside and you are standing in PJ’s because today you are not going to church. He won’t come in, won’t shut the door, won’t stop throwing a giant tantrum because he has decided he wants what he wants. The other children are in the car…daddy is in the car….and he is totally out of control. He is holding everyone hostage…the people who want to get to church on time….me who wants him to come in and shut the door because I am freezing. So letting him “experience ” his anger is a luxury of time that we didn’t have. I wish I could have instructed my husband to just drive away….I didn’t handle it well….and now my sadness and guilt for yelling are holding me hostage too. I literally have to psyche myself up every day….asking for prayer from God to give me the strength and patience to parent hm well. But I feel like I have no reserves left. He challenges everything. I will try to let him express his anger next time…but the real issue is the anger inside of me when he gets this way when we have a time issue. If we are good with time I have let him go through it….but when he is holding everyone else hostage (and being late is a trigger for me) I tend to not react with calm.