Comments on: Empowering a Passive or “Shy” Child

By: Kelly

Kelly — Tue, 26 Apr 2022 04:15:54 +0000

Hope to get help with this situation.
My daughter (almost 6) is currently in K. She gets along well with friends and we typically have playdates with classmates about once a week/two weeks.
Last week she asked to have a playdate with one of her best friend. This was the first time we had a playdate with this kid and set to meet in the park.
When we arrived there, she decided that she is “shy” (her words) and hided behind one of the trees (about 2 maters far from the kid and his family). She didn’t leave that spot. My husband and I and the kid’s family didn’t know what to do.
She only wanted to play behind the three, and refused playing with the kid. When he tried to come to her and ask her to play, she only wanted to play in that area , that was far and didn’t leave the spot (for example she didn’t want to go to the playground/run/play).
We tried sitting far from her and give her space, close to her, ask her what’s going on. She just replied that she is feeling shy.
After an hour like that, I told her she can choose if to play or we will go home. She started to cry, that she want to go home and we left. So although she was super excited for this playdate for a week, there was no playdate…

Not sure what was the best thing we should have done? And how to help her in that situation?

By: ACP

ACP — Mon, 18 Nov 2019 20:25:14 +0000

Hi Janet,
Great post. I totally agree with this in theory, but am having a hard time following these suggestions with my 5 year old boy. He is actually very social, loves school and interacting with friends, etc. It’s just with new situations he is very reluctant. His first reaction to whenever I suggest doing anything is NO. Each camp this summer (which we have to enroll him in because I work) was such a struggle on the first day, and then he would love it. Same thing with soccer this Fall. All of his buddies on the team are signing up for basketball this winter, but his response is NO. He would probably choose to play legos at home every day all day if he were allowed to. He doesn’t usually want to try something new unless he is already confident in it, but how do you get confidence in something without trying it? And I understand not forcing your kids to do activities, but what if your kid’s first inclination is to not want to do any activities ever? It doesn’t seem like that is good for him, or us (I can’t stay home all weekend with him and his little sister).
Thanks for any advice.

By: Julie

Julie — Tue, 13 Aug 2019 02:56:54 +0000

In reply to Gaia. I would suggest only speaking to their parents. Dont speak to the other children at all. Or Just speak to your child and tell her not to play with that child anymore and that she didnt deserve that treatment.

By: Julie

Julie — Tue, 13 Aug 2019 02:50:23 +0000

In reply to Anna. It sounds like your child needs more attention from his playmates, and is looking for a friend who he can be with individually. When he pretends to hurt his finger, its because he needs more attention from his playmates that he is not getting.

By: Julie

Julie — Tue, 13 Aug 2019 02:48:07 +0000

In reply to Kayla. Kayla, I think your child is afraid that the other child will get angry at him for taking a toy. If that is the case, teach your child how to speak assertively and to feel empowered by his own voice.

By: Gaia

Gaia — Sun, 22 Apr 2018 13:52:25 +0000

Hi Janet, thanks for this insightful post. My question here is about how to talk to the other children when they behave towards our child in difficult ways (ie. if they push them, hit them, take their toys etc etc.) I always find it really delicate especially at playgrounds when their parents are being oblivious or distracted. I want to do that in a way that is at one time protective and empowering for my daughter but I can’t help finding this type of situation very awkward when it happens.

By: Sapana V

Sapana V — Sun, 25 Dec 2016 16:29:16 +0000

It is necessary to trust your child so that they can share their thoughts rather than making judgments. Parents should understand the behaviour and needs of a shy child.

By: Kristy

Kristy — Fri, 29 Apr 2016 00:59:36 +0000

In reply to Anna. Holy cow! This is EXACTLY where my almost three year old daughter is at right now!! She used to be unfazed by most things but now is so much more fearful. I feel like I need to "fix" it and get her back where she used to be, but I know she's allowed to go through her own processes. It's hard to watch her back down or run away. Glad I'm not alone!

By: camille

camille — Tue, 26 Apr 2016 08:05:51 +0000

Oh and I meant to add: for parents of older children (or those who want to read up and be prepared!) I enjoyed this book about the mechanics of friendship between children: http://www.amazon.com/dp/034544289X The author doesn’t sugar-coat things, but it’s really helpful to understand how things work, when parents can help, and when they should offer an attentive ear rather than actual intervention (= most of the time!).

By: camille

camille — Tue, 26 Apr 2016 08:02:30 +0000

Love this, Janet, as always! My eldest (now 4) has always been perceived as shy and it’s often the second thing people comment on when they meet him (the first being that he has such big and beautiful blue eyes ;).

We’ve actually had to ask my mother-in-law to stop saying it because she did so every. single. time. we were in a social situation in her company. She did not like that very much. o_O I think she was offering this as a sort of explanation/apology for the fact that my son wouldn’t immediately rush to greet her guests or “perform” as the sweet little boy that she knows him to be. But one of my guiding principles is to never apologize for my children’s legitimate behaviors — I don’t really care what people think, I’m on their side first and foremost.

I feel it’s 100% normal for a child to not be completely (or at all) at ease when meeting strangers, who are by definition strangers, but also towering above them by twice or three times their height, speaking loudly and sometimes with forced cheer, making jokey comments or offering conversation starters that are more for the benefit of the parent than the child, etc.

I love it when I come across someone who shares our view of young children, who will come down to my son’s level, speak directly and in a normal tone to him, and seem genuinely interested in who he is and what he has to say. My son opens up in a split-second then, it warms my heart.

In general, I know my kid functions best in environments with people he’s familiar with — he’s super talkative and high-energy then — and in situations when he’s not, I make it my job to stand by him and have him know I’m 100% on his side.