It was also 2 weeks ago she was told by her mother that mummy was having another baby.

It’s hard for me to imagine this abstract reality would mean anything to her, she only sees her once a week for a few hours- however as well as these outbursts she’s also been a lot more focused on her baby dolls, so I knew something was going on..,

So when we had a bit of time alone together in the car one day I asked her – how do you feel that mummy is having a baby?

Her response floored me…
“Mummy and daddy are fighting “

It was a sentence she’d said to my husband out of the blue a couple of days ago.. we both heard it and looked at each other at that time, but dismissed it as there was no context then.

But this time – in answer to my question it made a lot more sense..

You see when she was a baby she was subjected to a lot of that. I witnessed it on more than one occasion and it was horrific and scary and you just prayed that a little baby wouldn’t ever remember such things…
But she obviously does.

So I explained- “mummy and daddy won’t be fighting around this baby. There will be NO fighting around this baby. Mummy and daddy aren’t together now.. this baby has a different daddy.. we don’t need to worry about ANY fighting happening with the new baby…”

There was an instant energetic relaxing
It was like a cork popped out and all the pressure released from her.

And since then all that pent up frustration has just gone…

I guess I’m mentioning this here because like the story Janet shared above, it made realise we just don’t know how these little ones are interpreting their experiences..
things we dismiss as obvious or incidental or irrelevant- might be interpreted quite differently through the toddler or 3/4/5 year old filter..
But we’re trying to understand their behavior through a grown ups filter…

Just like the little boy feeling rejected and frustrated by his parents not being there for him when his new sister was in hospital- we might discount that time as being fairly unimportant to him – but for him it’s informed his entire relationship with his sister…

I think giving space for simple conversations away from the heat of the moment situations is key. I’ve found that car rides can be ideal for this.. you can control the environment, the distractions are minimal. They are essentially strapped in place ! it can create the ideal environment for those insightful conversations to happen…
xx

I feel the same, I have a 2 year old and a 1 year old and it has been really hard to manage. The little one needs my help and attention when the older one hits or throws things at the little one. Or his outbursts happen when I am preparing dinner on my own with both of them and I just can’t stop everything to be with him. I really don’t know what to do except time out. It has worked so far but I worry it will not as time goes on. I don’t like the idea of giving him all the attention when he misbehaves. The little one already gets barely any attention and by doing this the older one gets more mommy time by misbehaving. I much rather spend time with the older one, and do when he is behaving appropriately.

I’d also love a response to this from Janet. I’ve just discovered her podcast, and have been thinking about these situations but haven’t experienced them yet as I still only have one very young child.

I would love some guidance, I have experiences similar to what has been expressed above by Amanda, Juliette and Hannah. Thanks!

Hi Hilary — what I would consider is why you are feeling that what you say is important. What is your hope around saying the right thing? The words you’ve shared sound fine to me, but when a child is in the middle of these feelings, it’s often best not to say much or anything at all. Instead of saying these to her, maybe just think this to yourself: “your body is tired, so I’m going to help you calm down/get dressed/etc” or “you are getting a little out of control.”

Can someone share with me some phrases they would use? My 27 month old has been going through a tantrum streak which has been getting better thanks to Janet’s approach and my helping her to calm down, but I’m wondering if my phrasing is ok? I’ve said things like “your body is tired, so I’m going to help you calm down/get dressed/etc” or “you are getting a little out of control”. I told her once it looked like she was having a hard time and asked if she needed some love, and that clicked for her and now when she is getting worked up she tells me she needs some love, but just wondering if there are better phrases to use. Thanks!

When this sort of thing happens to me (and as a nanny, it only happens when the child REALLY feels safe and loved enough to let go) I try to remember a few things; I am the grown up in the room with vast amounts of experience, kiddo has very little. I know the child doesn’t hate me (or whatever they are saying) it is just the strongest thing they know to say to express how bad they are feeling in that moment. A toddler does not know crap about respect but will learn it in every interaction we have with them. When I am upset I want people to be present with me and this seems to validate my feelings and I feel respected. I think the same may be true for children. Unfortunately they do not have the language to ask for this (hell, most of us adults do not either LOL) However, they are watching us and they WILL learn from us. So, the more that we can put aside our reactivity and instead think of ourselves as the container that holds all these big feelings (theirs, ours) then the more the child is going to feel safe, and understood and respected. And, the more they will learn to hold and express their own feelings in a way that is “respectful” when it is age appropriate and it will be AWESOME!