I had a strong willed child, didn’t think I would live through it! He’s 35 now, a great “kid”, the pediatrician told me that a great quality to have, no one will ever talk him into doing anything he doesn’t want to do

Hi Janet. I’m finding your advice so helpful. I have a VERY strong willed 2 year old boy who is also VERY physically strong. I’m a single mum and I really do acknowledge and adore how wonderful it is to have such a determined and spirited child but it is physically and emotionally exhausting most of the time right now. We are currently house sitting for friends and looking after their two cats. Initially my child was very calm around the animals but now he’s started pulling the larger cats tail. If I say ‘no’ or even calmly say ‘gentle’ he grabs the tail tighter. If I try to pull him away from the cat he has a meltdown and holds on tighter. I have a screaming cat and a screaming child. I literally have to pry his fingers off the tail as he kicks and screams and tries to pull harder. It’s really awful as I know he could be really harming the cat. I model gentle patting constantly but it’s not working. I don’t know what to do. The house is open plan so The only separate space is the bedroom.

Would this info apply to an 8 year old as well? He has struggled with this for a long time. And although I had good intentions, I’m sure I have made all his jealousies of his brother and struggles so much worse by my lack of emotional intelligence and my anger toward his mean words and or hitting at times. There is a 4.5 year gap between them and my older son has struggled with jealousy so much despite my intentions to help him feel loved. He hits his little brother back and im not always calm about it. I wish I were. We want to be the best for our kids and the guilt of being far from it is so real. I wish we all had the skills and patience of you Janet.

My strong-willed child is now 18:) but I realized as time went on how much my own energy (discomfort and overwhelm) interfered with and added to her outbursts of emotion. Establishing my own practice of regularly grounding and centering helped me from getting overwhelmed (mindfulness/meditation, yoga have been life changers- it’s the regular habit more that the amount of time spent). I also reminded myself that I could be in the presence of (____…fill in strong emotion) and not make it about me. Followed by a few nice deep breaths. Those words help me even now when I’m in any situation where others’ strong emotions feel hard to handle. The more she FELT me as a calm, confident ally and leader, the easier it was (still is, sometimes) for her to move through her experience of strong emotions.
I think it is also worth noting that these sensitive souls also need our leadership with simplifying their lives. These days it is easy to be involved in a lot and some children are less able to manage the pace and potential overstimulation of the day/week. Less activity and more self-directed time outside is beneficial for all children.
Your insight and wisdom, Janet, and generous sharing of Magda Gerber’s wisdom, is a real gift to young parents.

This is how I feel. I’ve been doing this for a while and I’m still trying to figure out how it will get better. His emotions are not just verbal, but physical. He’ll hit me or even kids, adults, etc. I don’t know how to make it stop.