Comments on: Confident Momentum: How to Stop Battling Your Toddler’s Resistance and Defiance

By: Suka!

Suka! — Mon, 22 Apr 2024 18:41:18 +0000

In reply to Ann Merry. Lol

By: Ann Merry

Ann Merry — Sun, 23 Jul 2023 17:14:58 +0000

In reply to janet. Why offer the option of a wet washcloth at the table? If your request to the child is to "wash his/her hands", that is what is required. The child has to learn that instructions need to be followed and that there are absolutely NO options! That is how our 5 daughters were raised in the 70s and 80s. I had 5 babies in 8 years, so there was no time for coaxing and coddling and suggesting and offering options and catering to the kid. And I see my grandkids put up all kinds of resistance to the simplest of requests by their parents....because the parents want to consider the child's emotions, or not force them to do anything against their will. Obedience has to be learned at an early age, or the child will call all the shots.

By: Amber Rochelle

Amber Rochelle — Sun, 23 Oct 2022 04:36:26 +0000

In reply to Jennifer.

Hi there! It sounds to me like she may not be ready to sit with her emotions that long, while alone, to “self soothe” to fall asleep. It is perfectly okay to snuggle and sing softly to provide a calming environment for her to relax and fall asleep. She still very much needs this. She may be pushing against requests because you provide more of yourself and time when she’s “lashing out”, than when she isn’t.
Try sitting with her when she’s doing things in a calm and playful mentality as well.
It sounds a bit like she needs more cuddles and reassurance when she’s happy or content.

By: Amber Rochelle

Amber Rochelle — Sun, 23 Oct 2022 04:27:21 +0000

In reply to Abi.

I have learned that if I replace “but” with “and” it proveds the validity needed for the want while still enforcing. Saying “but” may give the feeling of powerlessness. Therefore, every time the child, or even adult, hears that word, it removes the validity of their actual feelings.
Try it like this, “I see you’re wiping your toothpaste on me right now AND I can’t let you do that. You are able to brush your teeth with the toothpaste, or rinse your toothbrush in the water if you need to rinse your mouth.”

By: Chel

Chel — Sun, 24 Jul 2022 04:22:33 +0000

Hello Janet,
We’re at a loss with our 5year old. She’s always been her own person and knows exactly who she is and what she wants. Our summers are very busy all of a sudden when we’re in crowds or a lot of stimulation is going on she starts to act out without thinking, she’ll yell at us, get frustrated really fast, not listen to our words, runs around, hits or pinches people but in a (silly way) not a mean way. So we calmly talk to her to take breaths, that she had a good day and needs to keep that going, will loose things or fun times scheduled. We just don’t know what to do from here nothing is changing! We have been trying to show her extra love and we give her tones of attention! She has a baby sitter and a 9yr old step sister.

By: Jo

Jo — Sat, 23 Jul 2022 17:23:54 +0000

Hi Janet! What do get do when in the midst of it they are trying to break things, hurt other people etc? When he is upset, our 4 year old sometimes will try to throw things around the house, slam doors, break things, and sometimes will hit us. When I’m by myself with the 2 and 4 year old, I’m having a hard time keeping the 4 year old from actually breaking things (he’s strong). I try to keep a calm energy, but even that doesn’t seem to help him in these moments. I keep saying I see you’re angry and I cannot let you hit me and it looks like your hands need help, and remove him from breaking things. But then he’ll find something else to throw it the next space.

By: Karla

Karla — Tue, 01 Mar 2022 21:14:11 +0000

This article/podcast is very pertinent for me right now. I’m struggling to understand and deal with my 5 year old son when he becomes so resistant to issues that arise. He gets into such a state that there’s no reasoning with him, so I just let him ride it out. He has recently started at school and he does seem to enjoy it and is eager to go, I do recognise that some days he is more tired than others and that’s when I know power struggles will occur so I brace myself and am ready to help him deal with problems and try to do this before they get out of control. Sometimes though that doesn’t work and I’ve missed the opportunity! I also have a 3 year old daughter and recently their squabbling has become worse, she is at kindy and I know for her on days she is tired too! This is easier to handle (sometimes) but is work in progress.

An example with my son though, the other morning we were all getting ready for school/kindy drop off and everyone was in a good mood and excited to be going but when it came to putting my son in the car his usual car seat wasn’t in as it was in Daddy’s car! I had 2 other options for my son and asked him which he’d prefer? This is when the meltdown started. He didn’t want either of those seats just the original one (it’s green). I said to him, yes I know you would like the green one but that one is not an option as it’s not here, so you need to choose one of the others as I need you to be in one for us to get to school safely and legally!! He kept repeating that he wanted the green one. So I said to him it looks like you’re having a hard time choosing so I’m going to choose for you. He proceeded to kick and scream and refuse to get out of the drivers seat. I told him he could either get into the car seat by himself or I would have to help him. He shouted NO. Again I said ok you having a hard time so I’m going to help you, he retreats further away from me. Ok I said, I’m going to get hold of you and put you in the seat now as we have to leave. I grab hold of him and lift him through to the back seat all the while he is kicking, screaming, crying saying I’m hurting him. So I apologise for hurting him as that is not my intention but I’m really just helping you to get in to your seat as you are struggling to do this by yourself. I get him in the car seat and buckle him in, with lots of resistance, forcing himself up, pulling on the seatbelt. Once I get him in, he unclips the belt and says I don’t like this seat. This goes on for 10 minutes. My daughter is getting upset in the car and I’m starting to feel myself get frustrated. I walk away and gather myself and go back. Just to be faced with the same resistance and argument of him wanting the green seat. I force him to sit explaining I’m doing my job of his mother of keeping him safe in the car while we drive so he has to sit down in his seat and I have to put his belt on. I manage to do this and drive away but the whole time he is kicking, screaming, trying to get out (but not actually undoing the belt). I tell him he’s distracting my driving and for us to be safe he needs to stay still in his seat. The drive is short only 7mins but it continues until we get to school. As soon as he is out of the car he’s happy and skips into school!!! This is how every event unfolds when he breaks down and I’m struggling to deal with him as it’s seeming to happen on a daily basis.

He has to wear particular clothing, if it’s not washed/ready he breaks down. We even have this happen if he wakes up in the night after wetting the bed and not having a particular set of PJs for him.
Last night at dinner time he wanted me to cut the fat off the meat, there was no fat on the meat! He kept telling me I wasn’t listening to him and to cut the meat open and take it out. I cut the meat open and told him there was no fat, he said there was and I wasn’t listening, this went on and on and we went over and over but he just wouldn’t listen. He said he didn’t like the fat so I said that’s fine don’t eat it, just eat the rest on your plate but yet he still proceeded to cry and scream about the fat.

I try as much as I can to be calm and take leadership but I just feel like everyday is a power struggle and a battle that is starting to wear me down. I’m walking away lots as I don’t want to shout, even though there have been times where I have.

By: Gen kirk

Gen kirk — Thu, 27 Jan 2022 02:25:15 +0000

Thank you Janet for giving me the tools to respond to my toddler. I didn’t grow up with parents that acknowledged my emotions or weren’t comfortable themselves showing their emotions. Not surprisingly, the language of emotions doesn’t come naturally to me. I am learning, and willing to grow knowing that parents aren’t perfect beings, we get emotional too; we are human, but it is how we respond that is key. « Mama was angry, but now mama took some deep breaths and mama is ok now ». My question is the next part, how to convey to a toddler that my emotions aren’t his responsibility ?
Also, I’ve been struggling with a particular situation where getting dressed to go outside has become a struggle. I say « would you like to
Dress yourself or mama dresses you »? He us usually says « mama », so I proceed in putting on his snowsuit, he then has started hitting me when I am trying to help him, it has become a pattern for a few weeks now. I have tried sending him to his room for a bit when he hits, I’ve read him books on « hands are not for hitting », I’ve definitely lost it a few times as I also have a baby that is usually crying for my attention in the background which doesn’t help me stay calm. I will try saying « I will not let you hit me » and hold his arms so he won’t. But what else can I do, say when he keeps hitting me with a big smile on his face. As you say, he knows what he is doing is wrong, he just needs my guidance. I don’t know how to respond while he keeps trying to hit me. Deep down I know that sending him to his room isn’t helping but honestly it’s more for me to calm down. Your guidance would be appreciated.

By: janet

janet — Sat, 14 Aug 2021 04:00:07 +0000

In reply to Jacqueline. Dear Jacqueline - Thank you! I love this work you are doing and I have no doubt you are an incredible mother! We are ALL still learning. Relationships are a lifelong process. Your note made my day. Thank you again. xx Janet

By: Jacqueline

Jacqueline — Sat, 14 Aug 2021 00:53:19 +0000

Janet I have learnt so much from you. I am a Child and Family Health Nurse in Australia and I refer parents to your work all the time. My learning about children and relationships is life changing. The Circle of Security training started my journey and you filled the gaps. I feel like I never want to retire, I want to support families and keep learning. I am a Mum of adult daughters and I regret not understanding this material when they were young . I do share it with them when they are interested and have apologised for my not knowing, more than once! We have a beautiful relationship so I am thankful. Life is a gift and thank you for sharing your wisdom.