Comments on: Choosing Your Battles with a Controlling Child

By: Amy

Amy — Mon, 30 Jan 2023 22:07:26 +0000

You give example “You don’t like this cup. You want the other cup. Yeah, this is the cup we’re sticking with.” but my 3 y/o in this case screams demanding WHY. Why can’t I give her that cup, why can’t I help her get the cup she wants , why am I not helping her and understanding her etc. It truly pulls my heart strings and I don’t know how to reply. I don’t want to say “this is the cup we’re having and that’s it” because she keeps with the ” but WHY??” and “just cause I said do” doesn’t sound respectful to me. I feel stuck with how to respond to these “whys “

By: Melea

Melea — Mon, 22 Feb 2021 01:02:44 +0000

Oh, my goodness, you have no idea how much this has helped me today! I know two tremendously bright, creative, capable and strong-willed children (4.5 & 2.5yo) who finds themselves occasionally stuck in this behavior—the older more than the younger. I have been a care provider for them 2 days/week since the pandemic suspended in-person school and other forms of childcare 11 months ago. Your clear language & instruction around this have helped me clarify what’s working and what’s not. Their household is generally quite permissive, and sometimes I feel like I’m being “the heavy”, but this extreme control from a 3.5/4yo did not sit well with me and I’ve refused to give in to it. I strive always to be calm, clear, and kind, but once I’ve stated how things will be, I don’t budge, and the children seem to have come to trust me as a result of that. There have occasionally been some tears & complaints, and that’s ok; I stay with them through the disappointment, and I’m there to greet them again with a smile of the other side.

Thank you so much, Janet! This letter & your comments have helped me to feel more confident about what I’m doing (and offered me a clearer “why”); hopefully this will help all of us as we transition back to school & work after a strangely beautiful & trying year.

By: Rachel

Rachel — Sun, 21 Feb 2021 12:33:31 +0000

My 4 year old is like this however she will go into complete and total meltdown, screaming and crying which can take an hour + and I don’t always have the time to sit with her feelings. When possible I do

By: Roz

Roz — Sun, 21 Feb 2021 09:39:00 +0000

In reply to Kelly. This is exactly what I needed to read today. My 3.5 yr old is getting on to this path. I know I can be a bit too permissive as a reaction to my own upbringing, but I hadn't made the link with her wanting to d things her way all the time. Her words there. Thanks so much

By: Erin

Erin — Sat, 07 Nov 2020 22:17:18 +0000

Thank you so much for this. My 3 1/2 year old is the same way while struggling with the transition of having a new baby brother. This has been super helpful for me to consider and try things differently…

By: Kelly

Kelly — Sat, 07 Sep 2019 11:43:22 +0000

My 6.5 year old is currently struggling with being oppositional to going to school in the morning. This very much sounds like him. He always wants to be in control and he is very bright. How can we help with the transition of getting to school on time?

By: janet

janet — Sun, 26 May 2019 16:06:50 +0000

In reply to joy Carbines. My pleasure, Joy. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.

By: joy Carbines

joy Carbines — Sun, 26 May 2019 08:15:07 +0000

i found this so clear and emotionally settling to understand why allowing disappointment can be so healing
thank you

By: Hannah

Hannah — Thu, 20 Sep 2018 00:01:36 +0000

Would they learn controlling behaviour from us?

By: janet

janet — Fri, 07 Sep 2018 13:38:55 +0000

In reply to Lola. Thank you, Lola. I hope this will be helpful.