Does Janet suggest seeing her as helpless?? No, quite the opposite (I’m not sure you actually read the article..?). It highlights the lens through which we see the child – respectful, compassionate and accommodating of feelings, but none of that translates to continually trying to fix feelings, or kowtowing to their every demand. Confident leadership! But without over-controlling, we have a few short years where the balance of power rests firmly with us, but that quickly changes as they get bigger & stronger – if we haven’t built a strong respectful relationship with them, it will quickly unravel in the later years.

However, it does sound like some of the most basic (and likely?) reasons for the whimpering haven’t yet been ruled out, like overtiredness, or being in pain. The attempts to nap, but not being able to, would be a big red flag for me!

Frustration at difficulties in communication (and lagging skills in dealing with that frustration) seems a no-brainer? Has she ever tried sign language? Have a look at CPS/Lives in the Balance for ideas?

(Not sure how old the post is!)

I actually think both perspectives are valid here – yes it seems maybe the child has learned some cause/effect behaviour (or Janet’s overtiredness theory is correct, I have 100% had lots of ‘whiny’ tired days, when they can nevertheless snap out of it if they get a moment of joy, as the author describes). What is important is the lens through which the child is viewed and how she is approached from now on – it may be there’s some digging required with parents to find out more about her home life, but assuming it is just learned behaviour, the OP has an amazing chance to try to help the child + parents overcome this situation with some steers towards a more confident leadership style. That certainly seems like it’s lacking at the moment with the babying from the parents. Children and parents do well when they can!

My second born sounds very similar to your baby. She was very attached to me from the beginning (as she should be!) but it became very challenging as she never took a bottle or soother, and couldn’t be calmed or comforted by anyone but me at night time. My husband tried, but at times shrugged his shoulders in defeat and said “She hates me”. During the day, she was fine with other caregivers, only whining if I was there! I appreciate how challenging this is, because I’ve been through it. She is 18 months old now and things have improved significantly. She has weaned off the breast and figured out how to sleep and self soothe. It’s hard when you’re in the throes of sleep deprivation, but they get through it and grow and change. The beating comment is very alarming to hear. The baby can’t control their emotions and needs. Sleep deprivation can put a person over the edge, so I hope you can find help and support to keep yourself healthy.

What was the disorder?

Thank you John. Kids most definitely manipulate. I am a parent to grown kids and a teacher. If I have an extremely emotional child I ask 3 questions – 1) do you feel safe? 2) do you feel loved? And if those 2 are yes I ask where they might be able to find joy in their day. My highest level thinker/problem-solver in class this year manipulates his friends, his parents, and his teachers. One day I asked him if he thought crying was going to change the outcome of a situation and he sat straight up, stopped crying and said YES. I told him that wasn’t the case and he hasn’t cried like that again. Of course crying for a fall or hurt feelings is different. Some kids do need extra love. Heck – kids can’t be “over-loved.” Part of loving a child is setting boundaries and communicating clear expectations.

Wow. How l needed this information twenty plus years ago. Good to be reading it now. Thank you.
And thank you to the carer for their honesty in sharing such an insight.

Yes! Children ABSOLUTELY ate capable of manipulation. I have had huge problems with my 8 year old niece over the last year we’ve had custody using learned manipulations from her parents to try to force her will. She says “that’s what my parents do,” without realizing their bad behavior is what got them into drugs and a slew of felony charges they’re now facing.
Kids behave how they are taught to behave. Cowering to their emotional terrorism because you’re at your wits end will only teach them that they have to get more extreme to achieve their goal.
Instead of encouraging this toxicity that leads to selfish, shit head adults, we have a policy that whining and tantrums will NEVER get you what you want. It won’t in real life and it will not in our home. If you want something, you can ask nicely or do something to earn extras, just like a grown up. I raised my child that way and she is strong, independent, proud of everything she accomplishes, and eager to lovingly assist others in reaching the same accomplishments she has. She has pride in her self sufficiency. She has emotional self regulation because she knows that her immediate wants will not be met through manipulation and bad behavior, but through patience, kindness, well mannered requests, and working to deserve the things she wants. THAT is how you raise a kid that won’t grow into an asshole adult.