Comments on: How to Handle Behavior We Can’t Physically Control

By: janet

janet — Sat, 28 Oct 2023 21:20:44 +0000

In reply to Kailyn. Hi Kailyn— Thanks for your question. Neither I nor RIE would ever suggest asking a baby permission to change diapers or pick them up when that's needed (and not an actual choice they have), or to set boundaries with them as with hand holding where there is danger. That's a misunderstanding. Children need us to make those choices for them out of our love and care. I think the misunderstanding might stem from Magda Gerber's suggestion to communicate with babies when they are picking them up, and during diaper changes, etc. Hope that clarifies and thanks again!

By: Kailyn

Kailyn — Sat, 28 Oct 2023 12:38:33 +0000

Hi Janet, I have a question relating to “physically forcing the issue”. When children are small babies, RIE encourages us parents to always ask permission before picking up babies, changing their diapers, etc. and they learn that their bodily autonomy should be respected, which is great. But now I have a two year old (not my child, but I have been babysitting her since she was a baby) who, if I hold her hand to lead her to the car in a parking lot for example, will yank her hand away and yell “don’t hold my hand!” Or “no, I don’t want you hold my hand!” And same thing goes for when I am physically picking her up to bring her somewhere. How do we as caregivers make the switch from asking permission before handling a baby, to physically handling a toddler who very overtly does NOT give permission? It feels like we are teaching them that their bodily autonomy will be respected, but then taking that away. And this little girl I watch seems to really realize that. Can you please help me reconcile this? Thank you!

By: janet

janet — Sat, 03 Jul 2021 03:40:29 +0000

In reply to Sarah Badger. I would acknowledge all feelings as they are shared with you and not give the behavior power yourself. Be careful not to project more into it. In other words, say something like, "You didn't like that!" Instead of assuming "That was scary!" Siblings tend to understand each other better than we might realize.

By: Sarah Badger

Sarah Badger — Sat, 03 Jul 2021 03:36:51 +0000

What do you do if a siblings gives a behavior power? My 3 year old loves making ANY noise that upsets my 2yo old or 1yo

By: Ally

Ally — Tue, 20 Apr 2021 06:05:15 +0000

How do you ensure that in the dressing example you gave, let’s say, that the child does not come away having lost the concept of bodily consent? Then using those same words someday with a friend or spouse.

By: Tahlia

Tahlia — Tue, 20 Apr 2021 04:01:24 +0000

This is great. My oldest has a horoscope that reads “if he doesn’t understand the foundation of your rules he will disobey. Allow him to be himself and create a safe environment for him to grow” he is possibly on the spectrum, possibly just needs to climb three mountains and have a few hours at the beach everyday. He wakes up at 6 AM ready to take on the world and he truly does. He is so big and strong for his age…towers over everyone his age and 8-11year old boys think he’s the same age…he just turned 5. He doesn’t mean to hurt others but he is definitely harder on his little brother. He doesn’t want to hurt him, but he does. I think too Often. He sees red I think. I try to have the Pinterest bedrooms…he tears them apart. Broke his box spring the day we got a new bed. Broke my friend nalgene at 2. 4 cell phones and 2 computers. We aren’t even a tech family and spend most our time adventuring because with this kind of energy in the house we have to. When he hurts or breaks things he feels so badly sometime right away and sometimes after reflection. I know he doesn’t want to hurt anyone. Since he was months old we’ve worked on “gentle hands” but he is just a tank and doesn’t have them. He’s a little Thor. His love is as big as his anger. How do I help him with anger like that? I don’t do timeouts to isolate him. I sit with him when he has tantrums and tell him I’m here for him when he’s done. I do get upset when he hurts his brother. He is 3 and is so sweet and doesn’t deserve to be picked on. How do you guide big energy like this? He does not listen to a thing I ask of him. I do not like to bribe. Sometimes I do playfully chase him and sing like a crazy lady about whatever is happening because we love to sing and dance. I can’t control his physical being. He’s almost stronger than me. I just want to guide him…ballet? Discipline karate style I do not think will be appropriate for him. Maybe little brother. We are very playful active family. My husband is the best at it. We just want help. Guiding the wild 24/7 without help is exhausting. We have 4 kids. And no family or friends to help.

By: Emily

Emily — Tue, 20 Apr 2021 02:45:11 +0000

Hi, thank you for this great perspective, this is all very informative.
So I’ve realized that loud noises are very triggering for me, such as screaming, roaring, etc, & although I do know it’s normal & somewhat expected for children to be loud, I tend to go into full blown panic attacks at times (I experienced physical, emotional, & psychological trauma as a child).
Do you have any suggestions for my situation? My children are 4 & almost 1 if that helps.
Thank you.

By: janet

janet — Wed, 13 Jan 2021 16:31:41 +0000

In reply to Rachael Hosey.

Hi Rachael – I would try not to sweat this too much. It can be exhausting to try to get other people on board and what YOU do matters most. However, you could share with them what you’ve noticed — that calling attention to the behavior tends to make it happen more. From there, I would just do what you do, let the rest go and hope for the best.

By: Rachael Hosey

Rachael Hosey — Tue, 12 Jan 2021 23:57:17 +0000

Hi Janet,
This is working so well for youngest twin, however we know have family staying for the entirety of lock down and they won’t ignore the screaming. They are saying “no”, “inside voices” and “I won’t let you scream near me” which I feel has given the behaviour power.
What tips do you have to all.work together on this, as we probably have another 4/5 weeks all living together.

By: Mintie

Mintie — Fri, 06 Nov 2020 02:42:43 +0000

In reply to ACP.

That’s so upsetting. I would stick to,saying ‘hey, that’s really mean!’ once only, in a tone that conveys surprise that he would do that, and an expectation that he can stop doing it if he wants to. I guess i convey all this by adding a silent “knucklehead!” in my head, which is of course not something I’d ever actually say – although i did once tell a very patient little girl who was just starting to speak sentences that if i still didn’t understand her the third time, she should feel free to say ‘knucklehead’ at the end of her sentence, because i really wanted to understand what she was saying and wanted her to have a bit of fun. She got the joke on all levels, amazingly.
Anyway, if the chanting continues, i would either ignore it or move the child to somewhere i can vaguely handle him doing it. Absolute nuclear stage would be to have a closed door between us, and a radio on, so i can still hear what’s going on, but the edge is taken off.
Later, if i am still feeing resentful, and there’s something non-essential the child wants me to do, that I don’t feel like doing, i will be very honest, and say I don’t feel like doing such and such because I’m still upset about you chanting those mean words. Lean back. Wait and see what the child does.