I have the exact same follow-up as Jen does. In my case, the kiddos are almost-4 and 1, and the older one has moments when she gets into this “fugue state” where she will forcefully push her little brother while he’s sitting on the hardwood floor so that he hits his head against the floor or against the wall with full force. It’s absolutely terrifying and appears to be a completely performative behavior as it manifests itself in my presence and not my husband’s and not in daycare — she knows I get upset about it and it’s a fascinating button to push over and over. I have tried lots of out-of-the-moment approaches like validation and “parts language” (“part of you is happy you have a little brother, and part of you probably misses the time it was just the three of us” etc.). Bodyguarding only sort of works — it actually riles her up even more, and she emits this almost demonic little laugh, like “I’m off the wagon now, I can do what I want”. The behavior arises rather predictably when we are getting ready to go outside and I simply cannot always separate her from her brother because of all I have to do to get us out the door, or when I am preparing dinner and my daughter wants my attention. I should add that we live in a small New York City apartment, and many of the separating-their-space interventions that you suggest are just not practicable. Any help regarding this more violent type of sibling interaction would be appreciated.

It’s hard because this toy taking behaviour usually starts around the time when I’m making supper and we’re all a bit tired, hungry and my attention is clearly focused elsewhere. Some days it doesn’t work out and there’s a frantic juggling between trying to get supper going, figuring out how to keep everyone safe and trying not to become upset with my older “instigating” these conflicts. None of us get it right every day, but those shining examples like this parent’s remind me to keep trying.

Thanks, Janet, for doing this. It really is helping.