Comments on: My Child Won’t Stop Hitting

By: Joanne

Joanne — Mon, 26 Sep 2022 05:59:35 +0000

Hello,Janet! What do you suggest when my 2 year old hits some kid in the park (out of the blue I would say, when a kid gets close to her) and after that she keeps telling me “i hit that boy”.. even 2-3 days after. Or she asks “can I hit grandpa? Can i hit my friend?”. I don’t understand this… it’s creeping me out a bit as she shows that she knows what she is doing and sometimes she makes it intentional. Please tell me your opinion. Thank you!

By: Sophia

Sophia — Fri, 01 Jul 2022 18:08:58 +0000

What if you aren’t present to stop them? It would be great if I could be nearby to stop every thrown toy or prevent every hair pull (2yr old twins) but it can happen so quickly when watching them while doing something like dishes. If I’m present I obviously stop them from doing it but how to you respond if it’s already occurred? Do you still use minimal to no talking? How would they know the behavior should be corrected? My husband resorts to time outs but I feel conflicted about that

By: Gauri Algar

Gauri Algar — Sat, 20 Nov 2021 20:46:05 +0000

Hi Janet, I have a 3 year old and a 7 month old. The older ones behaviour can be very erratic. lots of energy and tearing around, noisy. Pretty normal toddler behaviour I know. What I am worried about is the way he has so much tension, his jaw is often locked and he shouts through gritted teeth. what can I do to help him release this tension appropriately? He has also started hitting his own head a number of times and without an action say ‘hit, hit, hit’ at the end of speaking when he’s in this super tense place, which is pretty often when were at home.
I have learned a lot from reading your article and listening to your podcasts, in relation to the hitting himself on the head, he has got responses in the past from me which have been emotional and confused so that is probably why he keeps doing it. I have been inconsistent because i’ve not always known whether to intervene and stop him. It feels like a game and I wasn’t sure if it would contribute to that game. I thought maybe its just sensory stimulation (but then I should still stop him doing it?) and wanting attention (should I ignore it?). He’s not actually hurting himself. But I think I feel clearly now that I should be stopping him whenever I can, would you agree? Its very hard to though, as he just squirms his hand away and does it again, I cant take him away from himself. He’s also just starting to get the idea to do it to his little brother too- whom he’s never responded well too, and expresses a strong dislike most of the time. I’m wondering if the tension and behaviours are all related to that as its come on more strongly since his brother arrived (although the tension and explosiveness was there before too). We talk about how its ok to dislike his brother and I let him express his thoughts and feelings about him verbally. We are also reading books about anger and jealousy.
Do you have any more advice for us?
Thank you so much,
Gauri

By: Andi

Andi — Tue, 26 Oct 2021 02:02:57 +0000

My one year old hits and has been doing it since 9 months old. She does it especially to me (mom) and it does seem to be when she is frustrated or angry, like especially when it is time to sleep. She is a very sweet and caring baby but does this over and over. I say, “I’m not going to let you hurt me,” and move/hold her hands away. I say, “Gentle. Gentle.” while using her hands to make gentle strokes on my face and even hers. It does no good. She immediately goes back to hitting. Some nights are worse than others. Last night, she didn’t hit once. Tonight she was hitting nonstop. I know it is normal behavior on one hand but on the other I just feel like I’m doing it all wrong and just have to go cry. I don’t know what else to do.

By: Rebekah

Rebekah — Fri, 09 Jul 2021 01:36:31 +0000

In reply to Penni. Yes! This is what I also need info on. My six year old is the exact same. He’s so strong that I feel like I’m wrestling him to have a time-in with him- he doesn’t want to talk either. But I so empathize with the seemingly incessant hitting some days. He’ll even chase sister around and refuse to separate. I’ll hold him with me and then as soon as he sees her, he tries to break free to hit her again. I’m at my wit’s end to just get it to STOP with him

By: Alice

Alice — Mon, 04 Jan 2021 23:36:37 +0000

Thanks for all you do! What do you suggest in cases where the violence is more extreme and requires actual force to separate, not just blocking – my 3.5 year old tackles her 1 year old sister, grabs her around the waist and squeezes as tight as she can. She often lays on top her and pushes her head into the ground. I have to really use force to get her off and feel terrible about it.

By: Krista Kleeman

Krista Kleeman — Sat, 26 Sep 2020 20:57:53 +0000

In reply to janet. Thank you Janet! Wish you had your RIE classes in Sacramento! Enjoyed them as a nanny for a family in Santa Monica years ago and apply everything I learned now w my own child.

By: Melissa Bearup

Melissa Bearup — Tue, 07 Jul 2020 03:57:50 +0000

In reply to Dale. I am experiencing the same thing with our 2.5 year old boy but the hitting also extends to his 7 month old baby sister. He hits when he is told no and can’t get his way. I have done a lot of physically stopping him but it’s hard to do that very gently now with a baby in my arms. He hasn’t stopped hitting and it has been over a year. He has excellent language and can often express that he was sad or mad so he hit. I totally get that it’s just an impulse that he needs help to manage and I do stop him most of the time but it just isn’t possible all the time. Luckily he is not hitting other kids. He seems to know we’re his safe haven and that it’s going to be ok.

By: Lindsey

Lindsey — Tue, 05 May 2020 23:28:56 +0000

Hi, I really appreciate the thoughtful and respectful approach to this. I have been struggling with my daughter for over a year now and have not gotten anywhere. As someone who has a background in psychology and child welfare, I definitely believe in this approach and that children who hit are scared and very sensitive. But it’s very difficult when you wholeheartedly believe in this and have followed this approach exactly and are still dealing with hitting, kicking and pushing for this long. I know it’s a phase, but it’s hard when none of my friend’s kids have this much trouble or have gone through this difficult phase for as long as we have. Luckily, our friends are understanding and respect that I’m not ok with punishing my child for this, but it’s still very hard. I will add that it worsened after I became pregnant (I’m about to give birth any day now) and I’m sure she feels threatened by our new addition coming . I just wanted to put this out there because I feel that even when we as parents are doing all the things to help our children, it can still persist and it’s not because we are missing something. Hopefully it will get better eventually.

By: janet

janet — Wed, 05 Feb 2020 23:13:11 +0000

In reply to Krista Kleeman.

Thank you, Krista! I do have another podcast for you in regard to pets. Hope it’s helpful: https://www.janetlansbury.com/2016/02/when-toddlers-and-dogs-dont-mix/
(Just noticing it doesn’t have a transcript yet, sorry!)