And what would you do?

Tell us in detail how gentle parenting is either passive or harmful. Your vague and unsupported assertions are wholly unconvincing.

Hi Janet,

I love your podcasts and I’ve also been reading your book “No Bad Kids” but there is some very concerning behavior I’ve noticed with my 2 year old so I thought I’d reach out.

First of all a little about us. My little boy is 2 years and 1 month old. His little sister was born when he was 23 months. He has been having trouble adjusting with these changes even though me and my husband have done all we can to make this an easier transition for him. He has also just moved to the over 2’s area at his daycare where there is less 1:1 time and more children, plus a bigger area.

He has been having tantrums on and off since he was about 1 year old. He has big feelings and we deal with these gently, by trying to name the feeling and staying calm, keeping him and others safe as much as we can. This has become more difficult with the baby to take care of as well.

The recent concerning behaviors are:
– He throws things at his little sister or tries to scratch her legs or hit her. This doesn’t happen very often, but mainly when his dad tells him “no” he comes running to me when I’m feeding his sister and lashes out at us. Most of the time I’m able to block him with my hands but we’ve had a few close calls. E.g.: He threw a big plastic toy (quite heavy) and I blocked it just before it hit her head.
– He bangs his head on the floor (forehead), throws himself backwards on the floor, or more recently bangs his head on the wall or glass door. This is quite concerning for me so I normally try to stop him from hurting himself with my hand or move him to a safer place like the couch until he feels better. Then I offer him a cuddle which he is happy to have.
– He hits or scratches or pulls hair – at home and at daycare (to the teacher and other kids.)

We are a loving family and have tried to do what we can to make this a smooth transition but he seems to always want to be with me instead of his dad, especially when he’s tired and I know he is hurting but I also can’t leave the baby hungry when he wants me. It’s so hard because he looks at me like I’ve betrayed him by having his sister, and it breaks my heart.

I’m sorry for the long message, but I’m really hoping you have some suggestions for us.

So far we’ve tried:
– Including him in caring for his little sister such as passing me a nappy or choosing clothes for her.
– I pay attention to him, talk to him and play with him even while breastfeeding or holding the baby.
– We name his emotions and encourage him to express his feelings but he doesn’t have enough words to name his feelings yet. He can tell us when he wants things and can form some small sentences.

I also wonder if I should take him to a pediatrician to check out the harming himself behaviour and maybe his anger.. These checks are not done very often here in New Zealand.

I will also add that he is a very loving and cuddly boy when he is not having tantrums or in a mood. He is usually excited about his baby sister, tells us to go to her as soon as he hears her crying, and is happy to play on his own too. We don’t have concerns about his development so far.

Thanks so much

Sing to her

This passive approach to parenting is causing an epidemic of the “little tyrant” syndrome.

Sometimes its a tough job handling an angry, choleric child, while keeping him safe (and those around him) but as parents we must be ready to intervene when necessary.

Its never an easy thing to discipline a child, but it is our responsability as parents to raise our children into patient, self disciplined and congruent adults.

Really love your blog and your books! When I read or listen it is so often I get those “aha” moments and wonder why I didn´t think of this obvious way to talk to toddlers before (Obvious when you point it out but I have so often said the “normal” response: Don´t do this, no, you have to share, etc. as I worked as a kindergarten teacher for many years).

I was wondering if this hurting behavior you talk about in this podcast also applies to infants? My son is 5 mo and he sometimes bangs his head against the wall, I think most of the times he has done that he has been very tired. He is very mobile and can army crawl his way any way he wants but he sometimes gets stuck in corners and cries for our help, even though we know he can get out of there by himself. We decide to help him since we think he is overtired. I´m just surprised that this behavior can occur so early, any advice on how we should address it when we are in the situation?

Best regards
Sigrun