Comments on: Boundaries That Encourage the Most Positive Sibling Relationships

By: Clare Montaudouin

Clare Montaudouin — Tue, 01 Sep 2020 20:19:53 +0000

In reply to Paige. I could have written exactly the same thing as Paige, apart from the fact that my eldest son won't be 4 until January and his younger brother is 10 months old. I would also be so grateful for some advice on how to respond appropriately after the eldest child has already hurt the baby. Thank you so much for all the good work you do, Janet. I find listening to you really calms me down after a difficult day and gives me new motivation to do things better the next day.

By: Paige

Paige — Tue, 07 Jul 2020 02:22:55 +0000

Hi Janet. Your podcasts and books have been so helpful for us as parents of a 4 year old and 1 year old. I’ve gone back and listened to this episode several times. As you can imagine, we’ve had some challenges with our oldest since her younger brother was born. I didn’t find your approach until after he was born and we started having some issues. I wish I would have been introduced to your work much earlier, but I now know that I wasn’t always the best at setting boundaries when she was younger and am working on being more confident and having conviction in my decisions. I feel like I’ve gotten much better at responding to our oldest when I can sense that energy in her and stop her BEFORE she becomes aggressive towards her younger brother. However, I still really struggle in moments where I can’t intervene before it’s too late. It’s so difficult to watch her hurt her younger brother and sometimes I just want to lose it. I feel like I’m often nervously hovering to make sure she isn’t going to hurt her brother, but I can’t always be there and I know how intuitive she is when I’m feeling anxious about this. Can you share more on appropriate ways to respond once they have already hurt their sibling?

I know there are other factors at play here with being quarantined for so long (especially having an very extroverted child who misses her friends dearly), but some days I just get so discouraged. I really thought things would be better by now. In your article titled “How We Got Our Daughter Back”, I realize you say this is a long and painful transition but in the story highlighted, her baby was only 6 months old when things returned to normal. Am I just not doing this right? I also find myself “forecasting” about her future and our relationship and getting anxious about what other challenges we may face. It’s all very exhausting and overwhelming. Thank you for everything you do. We really do appreciate all the advice!

By: Ryann

Ryann — Thu, 28 Feb 2019 01:31:36 +0000

Hi Janet! Finding these podcasts & your articles have been life altering for us. We’ve always tried our best to use gentle/respectful parenting as our guide, yet find ourselves struggling immensely in then last year & a half since my youngest son was born. I have 2 children, both boys, the oldest is 5 & the youngest is 19 months. Our youngest has been very challenging in that he was colicky for the first almost 6 months of his life & even now has never slept through the night. My husband & I are exhausted & our oldest has definitely not always gotten our best parenting. He’s struggled a LOT with this transition to being a big brother. I’ve always been a stay at home mom & thus far we’ve chosen to home school him. I mention this to point out that’s we were inseparable prior to his baby brother coming along, so I know his pain, which shows up in unpleasant behavior, runs deep. I listened to the this podcast because it felt very similar to what we’ve been going through, yet I’m still unsure of how best to handle the situation. My oldest always, 99% of the time, has his hands on my youngest. Half of the time my youngest doesn’t complain. I know my 5 year old isn’t using his full strength on him most of the time, but he is kicking him, punching him, putting him in a choke hold & just about anything he can do to do what I don’t know. I understand about wanting them both to feel like I’m keeping them safe. That’s why I put up a gate at my oldest bedroom so that I had to be there in order for my 19 month old to be in there. Because he too can be rough & be very Toddler-like (destroying LEGO sets, scratching, mostly accidental stuff but still it hurts). I wanted my oldest to know I wanted him to feel safe too. I’m at a loss. My 5 year old does not listen to me at all when it comes to touching his little brother. And frankly I can’t be there to stop it before it happens all day every day. So what can I do? WHY does he need to be on him constantly. I should point out often he’s giving him a loving hug or pat on the head, but it’s just too much too often. Please help!

By: Anna Gunn

Anna Gunn — Tue, 29 May 2018 13:27:47 +0000

Hi Janet, this was a great podcast for me so thank you so much. I’m very interested in your response to Hannah above but also have a question of my own. I have a nearly 5 yr old girl and a nearly 1 year old boy. My daughter can be like the older boy in the podcast but as the gap is wider she seems to exert her strength more. It can start very loving and go to neck grabbing and nearly dropping him head first. There is often no way to. Communicate with her at this point and anything that she does hear is argued. I’m struggling to find a way to approach this calmly as its a very stressful time from the minute she wakes until he goes to bed with very little respite in between. She really is a beautiful loving girl and I understand this can be just testing the boundaries, but the word that comes to mind is relentless. Can you please help to re-frame this for me. Thank you for all that you do. Anna 🙂

By: Hannah

Hannah — Tue, 22 May 2018 01:57:56 +0000

Hi Janet thanks for this article! I can definitely see the benefit in what you have explained however what if the baby is crying each time the toy is taken or their movement is restricted by the elder sibling? Or when you gently intervene the elder becomes more rough deliberately? I find my preschooler is a dream If he feels needed but when I need to direct him because the baby is visibly distressed he becomes more controlling and aggressive and will NOT leave the baby alone! I don’t have space for yes spaces either where I live. thanks again for all your advice!