Yes! Same issue here, and also waking the baby from naps! We’re in a small home with no outdoor space (below freezing outside anyway). My 4 month old has dark circles and is red and blotchy, deeply upset all the time due to lack of sleep. It gets to the point some days we’re he won’t eat cuz he’s so tired and can’t sleep due to the screaming, he’s just shaking and sobbing. How on earth am I to simply accept his brother screaming like this as a healthy vent?! He knows when he screams like that I have to pay attention to him, but what else can I do? If I leave him to scream baby will cry from fear and discomfort until he vomits!! It’s awful and makes it so hard to remain unruffled. I know my older son is not doing this intentionally to hurt his brother but that is the result! I’ve explained calmly during non charged moments about how it hurts our ears, offered alternatives, and explained and shown how when baby IS sleeping he gets much more direct attention from me but he does it anyway. It’s so self defeating! Positive attention and support IS NOT WORKING and I’m all out of calm at this point. Help!

It’s the same at bedtimes, particularly when my husband tries to help put them to bed so I can have a seat downstairs. She will scream and scream that she wants me and only me, she won’t let him help and tries to run down the stairs at every opportunity. I sit downstairs and leave him to try to talk to her, as I don’t want to step on his toes when he’s parenting. He starts off very well and tries his best, distractions, humour, acknowledging her frustrations etc. but somehow it always turns into a battle of wills which she wins hands down (she would scream for hours and hurt herself if I didn’t step in). He repeatedly tells her to stop screaming and that she’s upsetting everyone, which is something I don’t agree with as I don’t think it’s healthy for her to be shamed for her behaviour. I inevitably have to intervene as I can tell the situation is getting out of hand.

When I go up, she will quickly calm down and settle and I am able to talk with her and let her know that that noisy behaviour is not acceptable and that daddy was only trying to help. She will then say without prompting that she wants to give Daddy a cuddle and say sorry for her screaming.

How do we move on from these explosive tantrums and how can I better equip my husband to deal with the behaviour, since he is undoubtedly going to have to take over a bit more once the baby is born.

Thank you for taking the time to read this.

Wow! I never realized I wrote such long posts! Well, short upupdate: daughter spilled dog treats all over room…I was calm, casual and we cleaned it up together. It was fun, once I stepped out of AH!

I was busy with mouse guy and thought she was still occupied ….babysitter during appts next time…

Update: she totally snuggled in her towel on my lap after bath! It was glorious! A bit later, she had a crying fit because I turned down the bed and she had wanted to do that. I stopped trying to make my point and just saw this beautiful child crying and my face softened, my arms went out and she came to me. I rubbed her back and let her cry. Then, she said, Can we have a Do-Over?

Thrilled! I ask for this when I have screwed up. We had a do-over, I let her do the bed, and today, journaling, upon reflection, I realize I am going to say this to her today: About the bed last night, it would be helpful to tell you my side of the story and then we can find a way to work it out together.

We had a do-over, but she never fully understood she had me standing in the middle of the room waiting to get onto the bed: I usually close shades, turn down bed and wait there while she picks books. She took my job 🙂

I am sure she did this because she really loves to do what I do, but I didn’t want to stand there AND I didn’t want to give up my job…I like preparing the room for bed. So, I have to seriously think about whether or not I am going to give the bed turning to her: I want to be true to myself…a battle last night right at bedtime wasn’t the time.

I will say this, I have to search your site for boundaries posts: she is asking me to know what they are by her testing. I am so grateful, as I am ready to work on this part of my life. Once I know what I want, then I will be able to allow her strong feelings of protest—but, sadly, I had been taught to be either dominant or a doormat. She’s helping me find my true center.

Also, she got crumbs on the couch and I was mad. Was so taken off guard I acted like my mother (dialed back A LOT, though)….TODAY, I am going to take her hands, speak directly to her and say, We had a mouse in our house….would you like to help us not have that happen again?

Correct me if I am wrong, but I really think she does things she knows “shouldn’t” be done, because she wants to know, ‘And will you still love me when I do this?…this?…how about this???’ Because of course she knows about crumbs. Also, she said, “but do you still love me?” And I said, even though I was so mad inside, “My love for you never ends or goes away…” and she said,

“Really?!”

I stayed casual, ‘Yep. My love for you only grows, never ends.’

THIS is why I scour your site regularly: I had an idea in my head of what it meant to be a parent and it was EXTREMELY narrowly focused—and full of traps, because I kept imitating my mother, rather than be present.

I was rarely respected and I am now learning how to be respectful. You are helping me in many areas of my life, not just raising my beautiful, always loved, daughter. I am getting better and better at seeing the ‘crumbs’ for what they are: nothing to do with crumbs on the couch, but another request for affirmation of my never-ending, bottomless love and respect for my daughter. I don’t have to yell about the crumbs to get help with keeping the house mouse free. I can be real in my frustration and worries…but I told her she was rude for doing that….I need to not open my mouth when I am mad. Period. And I have to let her know she is forgiven…I never was and this builds the shame.

Thanks, Janet.

How were we to know, if we weren’t taught? Responsibity is taught. So, once again, my voice is losing Another edge to it: We Need To Clean Up This Mess….instead, this morning, with a ripped apart house, I said, I work best in a home that is pulled together. Oh, you played all over the living room…ok, well, we will read and talk in here, but your toys stay in the playroom. And then I cleaned up.

Well, she went into the kitchen and started clearing off the table, in a sweet singsong voice, preparing it for our making pancakes: after the house is picked up.

Finally, the paradigm shift I needed: the kids are not to blame. The kids are to be taught, guided, modeled to. I am slowly coming around to actually being the adult in the house and not the reactive child/adult. I am shedding my upbringing through your insight.

Also, thank you for the tip on physically helping child into house or car who may not be listening: “Time to come inside! …. (one minute pass) Ok, time to come inside….” I, now, happily, go outside and take her hand, with love and patience, and lead her inside. Flailing, she might be, but I let go when I see she means it that she wants to run in herself and not actually run away. Usually, she just lets me guide her by the shoulders. I love how involved I still get to be in her life. I miss the baby years and I actually feel like we never left, in that I sense my intense importance even though she seems so independent.

At bath time, she got out and toweled off without me. I fear the night before was the last time she would get wrapped into my lap and we’d watch the water go into a whirlpool: my getting to hug hug hug her … but this morning we ended up snuggling in bed for a while. You have calmed me down so much that I am deeply involved in her day to day on a new level from babyhood.

Thank you so much!

Keep reading here! Every single situation you described so well has been addressed somewhere here. Congratulations on your beautiful growing family. You will find what you need here, but mostly notice how Janet acknowledges our regret when we yell, but says to forgive ourselves and start again. Parenting is hard, but she really shows how we can see the yelling, screaming, tantrums, hitting: all the difficult stuff our children do is actually the best part of parenting, because it is our children trusting us to be their faithful guides. To love them no matter. To be confident: it’s only emotions…we’ve got this.

Also, go ahead and swoop your son up and say you are my baby and go ahead and baby him. My daughter doesn’t have siblings, but is nearing five and sometimes needs to slow things down and be my baby for a few minutes. I meet her where she is.

Read read read everything on this site and you will watch yourself become so confident. Still exhausted and weary (parenting is hard!), but you just feel more knowledgeable and less at a loss.