So back to the potty process…when she says “I do it” and then stalls, I don’t know the right way to step in and do it for her, and in some aspects, I can’t really do it for her (like I can’t make her eliminate if she is choosing to hold it in). It’s hard because there are a million mini-transitions in the whole act of going to the bathroom (leaving play to go there, taking clothes off/pushed down, climbing onto and off of the toilet, putting clothes back on, washing hands and all the steps that entails, etc.) and she handles some of these reasonably well when given two structured choices, but others not so much.

So if she says she needs to go potty but then doesn’t take herself to the bathroom or little potty chair, I have tried stepping in and saying “You say you want to do it, and you’re not going there by yourself, so it looks like you need some help” and then picking her up and carrying her there (although perhaps I didn’t do this promptly enough), but then she will refuse to sit on the toilet and has a tantrum, and I physically cannot bend her into a seated position and force her to sit on the toilet (nor do I feel that I should be physically forcing her onto the toilet, and even if I can/do force her to sit on the potty, I can’t force her to eliminate). How do I handle this “do it myself attitude ends in tantrums” behavior specially related to toilet use?

You are certainly welcome! Your son is saying a lot to you and Janet’s site, her many articles, all help you to learn what he is actually saying: it’s not really about the clothes, for example. It’s blissfully so much more than that and you will rise to each occasion with such an awareness of your role in his life. Keep reading and re-reading. You will begin to welcome the ‘challenges’ because that is when your son is calling on you, unruffled, to help him through something. The old paradigm melts: child is being problem/bad/oppositional and the truth shines through: child is asking for help in the only manner he knows how.

Thank you so much for your reply! 🙂 it is both very sweet and very rational.
I think letting him be more responsible for these choices and their consequences it’s the only thing we can do to ease the situation.
Thanks for putting it in such a loving way and to remind me to think more often about the end goals!

Let him have the natural consequences 🙂

if he is cold at night without pajamas he will tell you and then you find a new plan together.

He can decide if he needs an extra blanket to cover himself with at night or maybe he just wants a pajama top or just the bottoms.

I would like for my daughter to wear pajamas at night… Not only because they are adorable and I bought them and it’s the picture in my mind of what I want to have happen, but also because “it’s what you do.”

Apparently not, according to my daughter and your son. I love myself so much more when the words out of my mouth are, are you ready for bed? OK let’s go get some books… She just wears underwear to bed and one night she was cold and the next day I said, would you like some help to figure out nighttime sleeping, because it’s either pajamas or something in which you do not wake me to cover you. I wear pajamas so I am not cold at night, what would you like to do so you can have a good night’s sleep?

This is just a casual conversation during breakfast or on a walk. Never in the moment.

My daughter is going to be five, but she has fought clothes for a couple years now. I had to let go of a lot of what I thought should be done and I pay much closer attention to connecting with her. I am not going to let clothes come between us. So, I suggest really really really finding all of the ways you can say yes in your day, so that when you absolutely must say no you feel 100% confident. And the way you help your child through that transition feels just like an abundance of love. Unruffled.

Something that keeps me coming back to this wonderful site is adding 10 years to whatever my daughter’s age is, as frequently as possible, especially when we’re having an issue, and I ask myself: will my beautiful daughter, 10 years from now, turn and walk away from me during a similar moment or will we be working together? Because when she is a teen I will not be able to pick her up and move her to where I want her or take her clothes off and put the clothes on that I want.

I scour this site and read or reread as many articles as my time allows, but certainly at least once a day, so that I can let go of my own preconceived notions, my own upbringing, and really learn to see my daughter as the individual that she is.

Your little boy is so lucky to have you, because it’s so obvious how much you care for and love him. Any question you have can be found answered on the site… Keep reading & listening. Transitions no longer scare me… And I never in a million years thought I would be able to say that.

I would like to ask you for more advice, about when confident momentum is not enough. My 2y8m old REALLY doesn’t want to change clothes.

It has been a power struggle with nappy changes for months (with better and worse periods) and the situation is much calmer since he started using the toilet a couple of months ago. Still, he would hold pee for hours, rather than going when we suggest to (after getting up, before going out of the house). We are mostly letting him decide about this, bringing him to the toilet only before bedtime and before going to daycare.

About the clothes (mainly before bedtime and in the morning), at least half of the times it ends up with me taking off his clothes and putting on new ones while he screams, kicks and shrieks, shouts “I don’t like this!! I don’t want this!! I have decided!!!”, grabs onto the old clothes and fights the new clothes. At the end he’s exhausted, often covered in sweat, distraught and keeps on screaming for a few minutes before coming back in my arms and crying for a bit more.

I feel awful.
I try to give him options on when to do it, on doing it on his own and on clothes (usually one of these choices at a time), but he’s not really interested in any of this. I try to limit his time to answer one of these options, but the power struggle it’s already on! He doesn’t come near me, runs away and says things like “Then I go away!” or “Then I hit you!”.
The times he comes on his own, half of these go well and half of these he’s really struggling with staying there long enough for the whole process to be over and will start screaming/kicking.

Sometimes doing something silly works (suggesting the pants go on the head, or singing, etc.), but it’s completely inconsistent.
I have described natural consequences “if you don’t put your pajamas on, you will be cold while sleeping”, I have empathized “I don’t like to change my clothes either” “I know you really don’t like this, I’m sorry”, I have described what others do “Everyone puts their pajamas on to sleep” also with books showing bedtime routines.

There’s nothing that makes this transition easier at least some of the times.

Thanks so much for your kind feedback, Rick.