Comments on: Public Tantrums (Why They Happen and How to Avoid Them)

By: Alexis

Alexis — Wed, 15 Jul 2020 09:04:28 +0000

In reply to Kate. How old were your children you started having them sit in the car?

By: lisa bancroft

lisa bancroft — Tue, 25 Sep 2018 20:23:29 +0000

I love what you say here. I’ve learned a few things about tantrums that I want to share.
1. A child is being loud because she wants to be heard. It’s very simple and clear. Maybe she has heard a lot in her 2 years…especially the adults around her fighting or bickering. So she has heard plenty. And it got stored inside. So any little thing in life can tip it off. And she doesn’t know what to do with the aggression and the fears and the anger that she has heard or witnessed. So she expresses when she is at the end of her rope. It’s a form of catharsis no matter what.
2. Be happy that she releases that stress she has witnessed or heard or felt or experienced in her 2 years. Better she has a tantrum when she is 2 than when she is 30 or 40!!
3. Just be there; sit there. Say in a calm voice “I am here for you. I am not going anywhere”
Imagine being hysterical and how good it feels to have an ally who is just there for you no matter what. Someone who is solid like a rock, calm and steady and will love you through it all. That’s what every 2 year old needs.
4. Some kids are actually hit and punished for crying and disrupting. Imagine if you hit a kid for a tantrum; the next time they feel a tantrum building, they are too scared to release it. So all that fury and energy that could easily and healthily get released in a tantrum, stays inside and covered with a blanket of fear. What does that do to a developing nervous system, no less a developing person overall? When you look at it from this perspective, you can then accept tantrums, and try to focus on being your child’s ally and not care one iota what anyone around you thinks. It’s all temporary anyway. This too shall pass. It’s a breathing exercise. Patience can sometimes simply be silence and presence made manifest.

By: janet

janet — Tue, 07 Aug 2018 00:55:34 +0000

In reply to Jennifer. Thanks, Jennifer! In regard to your question, it would depend greatly on your individual child. As I mentioned in the podcast, some children are able to do this much earlier and more consistently than others. In certain circumstances, it would be hard for any child. For instance, they're too tired, too hungry, etc. So I wouldn't say it's unfair to bring a child to a restaurant, but we have to expect that it may not work with certain children at certain times.Sorry I don't have a more specific answer for you!

By: Jennifer

Jennifer — Mon, 06 Aug 2018 20:08:55 +0000

This was a powerful one, thank you! I especially appreciate your first point that our expectations of our children’s behavior shape our reactions to their actual behavior. Do you have any recommended resources for understanding what would be developmentally appropriate at different ages and stages? For example, when *would* it be fair to bring a child to a restaurant?

By: Carol Ellsworth

Carol Ellsworth — Thu, 02 Aug 2018 19:49:33 +0000

In the ninth paragraph can you help me understand this sentence:
. The tantrum is what’s behind me pushing you and pushing you for you to stop me, so that I can explode.

By: janet

janet — Thu, 02 Aug 2018 01:16:31 +0000

In reply to Zohila.

Hi Zohila! Have you had your son evaluated for Autism? I shared my advice for changing routines in this post: http://www.janetlansbury.com/2010/06/babies-breaking-habits-toddlers-dealing-with-change-3-steps-to-ease-the-way/

By: Zohila

Zohila — Tue, 31 Jul 2018 22:33:27 +0000

Beautiful teaching please give some advice for changing routine because my son don’t like it he don’t accept changing routine for everything thanks i loved ur articles because I m also a mother of 4 year son who’s still in confusion that my son has autism or he just throw tantrums

By: Kate

Kate — Tue, 31 Jul 2018 11:14:36 +0000

Gosh, I wouldn’t agree with the assessment of this situation. I believe children come into the world with one question and that is “How does this place work?” They are always trying to figure out the rules (ever seen a child throw his food off his high chair over and over – discovering gravity!) and their place in the world. They experiment with their own “power” and how they can impact their world. They push to see where the boundaries are as this is the thing that will establish the “rule” in their minds. So, typically your child has a “meltdown” and is ignored at home. He wonders if it is the same “rule” out in public. He finds out it is not. He has learned something about the world. When I had a young family, we often traveled in the Midwest to visit family and had to eat in restaurants. We explained that going to a restaurant was special and someone there might be celebrating and so we had to be quiet otherwise we wouldn’t be able to stay. With each child, one time, one of us had to go to the car while the other stayed in the restaurant and finished the meal with the other child. Only once. The self-discipline we were looking for appeared. They wanted to stay. After that one time, we only had to say “I’m sorry, we won’t be able to stay if you aren’t able to be quiet.” There was no emotion about taking the child to the car. “That’s okay, we’ll try again another time.” I think this child was denied the opportunity to find, display and develop self-discipline. She may have felt very proud of herself if she had been given the chance.