My husband and I went through a trial where every time our toddler had an emotional outburst/ tantrum/ for no reason she would get a smack on the bottom.
Im not kidding it solved 90% of the outbursts. After 2 to 3 weeks it decreased significantly. She saw we as parents were in control and she couldn’t have her way.
All this other wishy washy things about letting them releasing their emotions regardless is not the solution. Toddlers need boundaries… they thrive on it.
(We have 9 kids not all were the same but with the stubborn ones we had to consistent otherwise they would walk over us. They are now older teens and are doing wonderfully)

So here is my caveat… I feel like I know how I want to be from all your work. But now that my child is older and seems more like a peer human than a helpless babe, I find that when I’m holding boundaries I am not always coming from the confident leader place. There’s a bit of annoyance in my tone, like an American TV parent. “I can’t pick you up right now” for example gets said with a tone anticipating a battle, because I hear in their tone that once I say it they will stomp and cry and that will stress me out. Not because I’m concerned, but just because crying is grating.

Part of it is that I am already on edge so have less resilience for the crying than when I feel good in the other parts of my life. And part of it for them is probably that they are picking up on my anxiety or stress.

As an aside, we seem to be yoyoing between me hoping they’ll be independent while I get stuff done but then they are really needy… and me being present with them and then getting chewed out because “I wanted to do it myself!” (Because I opened the door so we could go for a walk…)

Any tangible tips for cutting out that last bit of annoyance from your responses if you are someone who KNOWS how to be but since you are at your limit it’s like your voice echos mainstream parenting before your mind and heart can select the right response? Also specifically related to the tension of a child suddenly being more of their own person and balancing that illusion with the fact that they are still a baby really.

Maybe a solution besides “Get more sleep” which for anyone else reading I think figuring out self care in these situations is a big priority. That and self-love and acceptance of your own inner-toddler having a melt down because things are hard.

Thanks!

What about a 7 year old boy, who screams, throws things and just generally isn’t wanting to move on. He’s so well behaved at school and is the kindest kid in class. He gets quite anxious. Help!

The author specifically responded line by line to the information given by the original questioner. You can pick apart her response in regards to your own situation, but she didn’t respond to your question/situation….so of course the response may be different if she was giving advice on getting ready for school etc. The heart of the response is “all feelings are welcome, but not all behaviors.” There isn’t much this child is doing that deserves some sort of punishment as laid out by the original poster. Now, if the child was doing something harmful that would be a different story.

And back to the heart, “all feelings are welcome, but not all behaviors” this is hard enough for me to practice as a mother bc I was NOT raised this way. I can feel myself getting so angry with my daughters age-appropriate expressions of not feeling her best (whining, crying, asking for things and then rejecting them-even for long, extended periods or days), bc I was raised that children aren’t supposed to express negativity. They’re supposed to shut up and be grateful for everything or keep it to themselves. Well, that’s not really healthy for my child or me. And yes, I do hope to teach her as she gets older and has more ability that there are healthier ways to express her emotions and to become self-aware when she’s expressing things in a way that can feel frustrating to others, but as a 1-2-3-4-5 year old (especially depending on all the mitigating factors in our lives) she is not responsible for behaving like an adult. And so the reminder here was very helpful to me as I come off of 4 days of super grumpiness with my toddler while my husband is out of town and I work full time—I don’t have to respond to every outburst she has, trying to fix it or trying to correct it bc that is exhausting, overwhelming, and not helpful. I will respond to what I can in helpful, healthy ways and know that I can walk away when I need to before I’m yelling/shaming/guilting/coddling my child.

Amen . Im in same boat and this article made me more frustrated. I have a baby to take care of and these tantrums give me more anxiety on top of having a baby. So yea sorry didnt find this helpful and no way we are fixing these bad feeling the child is having. I was hoping to read something that will give us ideas how to teach a child to temper their cranky feelings and how to express them differently then yelling .

This is an older post, so you may not still be monitoring or having this challenge, but replying in case it is helpful to another. It helped us so much to take the pressure off getting ready for daycare – we just left on time no mater what. There were a few months there where breakfast happened in the car, and getting dressed and brushing teeth happened in the parking lot or the bathroom at daycare 2-4 times a week. We just loaded up into the car, jammies and all. Yes, it was inconvenient, but it was easier than fighting the battles and it did seem to help the phase pass more quickly.