This was SO helpful to read, it sounds just like our family. I will be checking out the book Raising A Secure Child. Thank you!

I’ve been thinking about that piece too- didn’t read Janet’s advice as “accepting” the behavior, but making a concerted effort to show our children that we accept them and are there to hold space for the complicated feelings they experience EVEN and perhaps ESPECIALLY when they manifest in ways that our adult, and very psychologically informed perspectives might find off-putting. It can be validating to see someone pay the consequences for behavior that has been harmful to us, but it feels to me like this is much more to the credit of an ethos that is i formed by the carceral state we live in (I.e. the prison system, punitive responses rather than rehabilitative). I wonder how things would be for all kids involved if the response was one that was free from shaming- and that attended to the kids who get pinched first. (“I’m sorry this happened, would you like a band aid or ice pack?” “Yes?” “Okay, ____. I’m going to get an ice pack for your sister’s friend, why don’t we go together, I would love some help taking care of her) and have the kid who pinched contribute to after care (even if that means just witnessing it). That way accountability without shame is something everyone gets to witness, which, imo, seems like a healthier way to validate AND demonstrate empathy than to berate or shame into remorse.

I found I agreed with a lot of this article to an a extent . Our son who’s now 10 still hits and will argue until “we are blue in the face.” When these anger or arguing episodes happen it’s as if he he truly doesn’t understand or care.

We put him in timeout, he won’t cry. But after a while he’ll start voicing his feelings and ask why or how much longer he’s in timeout.
Every single time he will tells us it wasn’t his fault. He did it because of the other persons actions . Even though other people whiteness the interaction. He knows they say him but still believes everyone is wrong or not telling the truth.

After he gets out of timeout he’ll skip away from the chair as if nothing ever happened. He doesn’t show remorse or any sign of learning a lesson.

It’s like there is a disconnect. We’ve had multiple doctors tell us he has no autism. In fact he’s very smart, loving, and caring. It’s all just so confusing.

He’s is our only son adopted. He’s very intelligent. Adoption doesn’t cross our minds any different the. The children I carried in my belly! But maybe he’s to young to understand that ? That’s why he’s acting up?

This aggression presents itself in adult males as well. Appears to be immaturity laced with narcissism. Avoids discussing behavior, however desires relationship enough to reach out with kind jesters hoping to smooth over reckless behavior. Scary

My concern as well.

Amazing in an uncomfortable way.

I’d love to know more about the parenting coach you used. Sounds like exactly what my husband and I need. I am trying (unsuccessfully so far) to get him on board with a lot of the Janet’s approaches and it has been a tough road to say the least. It’s not that he disagrees I just think he needs some more in depth understanding and background on it. Im very stressed about how our misalignment is affecting our kids.